December

Harry and I had a fabulous time in Philly together visiting my dear friend Nicky and her newly expanded family. It was so nice to visit with such a great friend, and to watch our kids running around together to be able to stay up watching a movie, eating popcorn, and drinking wine. Harry was a great traveler and I hope he'll continue to be this flexible. He'll nap anywhere, sleep anywhere and totally be OK being on the GO. I love being on the go especially around the Holidays. I like to switch things up a bit and have new memories as everything I once knew that was normal to has changed. Holidays are so different. So, it was really wonderful to spend  time with a good friend...

We've had a busy week with Daddy traveling...boy, I am exhausted....literally 5 minutes after I get Elle down, I am in bed myself. I just feel like I am all business when Dad's away and get frustrated and lose patience with a meltdown or anything that causes us to get off track and keep on schedule! But, I have to remember Elle is not even 4 yet so she's going to have tantrums. Harry even was up at 4am this morning screaming so I ran in there and sure enough he just wanted Elle...he literally was screaming "Elle Bell" at 4am in the morning. He got himself SO upset he finally fell back asleep at 5am....so I was able to get a quick shower in and finish up their lunches before they were both up for good. Always tricky getting that shower in when you're on your own!

We have a fun weekend ahead...Ted's work Christmas party, Elle has a birthday party to attend, and I put together a little girls night out at our new wine bar which I am so excited to try. I love the fact that we can walk there too. Very cool.

Christmas is less than 3 weeks away. We'll be headed back to MI on the 21st so I am already in planning mode to keep busy...mani/pedicure with all of the girls, getting everyone together to go see Santa. I feel every time we're back there we don't go anywhere and it's our vacation to so we want to keep the kids busy doing fun things and be out and about. So I am hoping we can make fun but also relax as well...I feel I have made good progress with gifts, just a few more to buy. The problem is the wrapping. Not only do I not like it, I am not very good at it.

Missing my Family this Season more than ever, thinking of my brother and pray he doesn't feel too lonely and thinking of my friend who is fighting cancer and is undergoing surgery literally as I type....

All my love and hope for a Christmas season that is less painful than the last, a season I am able to remember only the good memories together as a family and able to watch in pure joy my kids and the excitement in their eyes as they experience Christmas.

Melissa

the holiday spirit

And, here we are again. The Holidays. I am once again saddened that I feel this way...

 I remember the excitement deep in my heart when the Holidays were near...calling my Mom even more frequently about the family gift exchange, the weekend plans, discussing her cheesecake making, talking to the Close's about Christmas eve excited to get all the siblings together, making plans to have them visit my parent's Christmas dinner...I can only imagine how the Holidays would be now with having all the grand-babies in the picture beyond Aydan. It just makes it so hard to go back to MI, to let go, and to have fun in a way that is so outside of what you were used to, what you had envisioned all  your life what your Holidays would be like with your own family. I feel stuck, disappointed and angry. You're expectations are heightened...and you are let down so much easier. Ted's brother and sister-in-law are not coming over Thanksgiving. Some would say this is no big deal. This hurt. Surely it's their choice....but I guess we were taken back. To us, we're bothered....we live out of state, we make the hike back with our kids to be around our family and we want to see them.... we crave togetherness and having the small family we do have together. I was taken back. It all goes back to the loss. I think, if my parents were alive, I wouldn't notice as much. I am positive if Mom and Dad were alive they'd be joining us at the Close's for Thanksgiving and it wouldn't be as noticeable if someone couldn't make it. We started doing some of our Holidays together a few years before my parents passed as  it was so important to Ted and I (long before kids and my parents dying) that we are all together and that we didn't have to choose. I know that would have continued long into the future...I guess my heart aches when I focus on what could have been and the unfairness of it all. But I know that negative energy is not good...I do have my beautiful kids and my Sister and nephew that will be together at Ted's parents. Ted and I have just had a lot of baggage lately, my brother is not doing well, it's hard to not worry about my Sister as she is studying her butt off to get through RN school as a single Mom with no health insurance...I worry constantly and it wears on my relationship with Ted. I know my parents would be sad about this...they would be so bummed I have this burden. But to me, it's my responsibility or who else will worry about them?

I just want to go back to MI to see our family and watch the cousins play, shop, go for a run out in the cold, eat a great meal and feel thankful for what I do have. But it's so hard...there is still so much anger, sadness and disappointment that I try to fight every day. I will see Justin on Friday. I mean, I am thankful he is in a safe place but he is struggling right now in there. His mind is playing tricks on him again and I am very worried about him and feel so sad that he will be alone on Thanksgiving and we're unable to even bring him a nice meal this time. He will be eating prison food. This kills me. There is so just so much to think about....

I just pray there are moments of joy, thankfulness and spirit throughout the Holiday Season...I am so grateful for many things between the kids, our careers, my sister and her tenacity, my rockstar aydan....our friends....and so much more.....we are blessed in ways others couldn't even imagine...but the sad stuff is really sad....and hard for many to even understand or relate to. And, I have to remember that. They just don't know...

I've been doing some shopping...took my Harry out both Saturday and Sunday in my attempt to "get into the spirit"...buying gifts for others is so much fun, and I need to be thinking of what homemade gift we'll make for our family in honor of my Mom again. Elle and I put cookie jars together for everyone with a picture of Mom and one of her recipes last year. It meant a lot to us to give those out to keep her love for baking and her beautiful Holiday spirit that she shared with so many..alive....
I look forward to seeing friends, baking with the kids, seeing Santa, attending work Holiday parties....I just miss that deep down joy. That joy I once had.

I miss my family. It's just that simple. And I just want to go home for the holidays to share these beautiful babies I now have.......Elle and Harry are the loves of my life.

All my love and hope,
Melissa

wow, November...

I haven't written in weeks...we've been so busy but finally will be home in Cincinnati until we leave for Thanksgiving. We had a busy few weeks - travel for both Ted and I, the kids were sick for a week so there was added stress in the household with me staying home for most of the week. But, I did get out to Dallas prior to my conference to see Aunt Lisa and my cousins. It was so wonderful to be with my family, Mom's side..... My Aunt made the kids the most adorable monogrammed hoodies...and I loved the chance to see her home and her sewing room and see the pics of my Mom around her house. It's hard all of us living out of State but as my cousin and I talked about....we are so happy that we've stayed so connected the last 4 1/2 years. It was therapeutic to be around them knowing it would make my Mom so happy. My cousin and her husband built the most beautiful home and it was so nice to get to know them even more.

I cannot believe November is already here....holidays will be here so quickly. Just going to focus on the kids and them having fun and doing as much stuff as possible with them to keep my mind off my family. But, it's so hard when Justin is calling constantly and is missing family, all that we used to have.....it's hard to put aside. I don't think that it's ever possible. I think I will always have to put that smile on and deep down be bummed around this time of year. It's just hard, this time of year is all about Family and surely I have a great one of my own....but I miss my family unit that I came from and sharing these beautiful kids.

But, we have great friends, more cousins in our family to share Christmas with that will make it so much FUN and a lot to look forward to as the year of 2012 ends and 2013 begins.....some big milestones approaching good and sad in the new year. We are all rooting for my Sister as she fights through Nursing school as a single Mom and I think the highlight of next year will be watching Chris accept her diploma. She's not there yet but I get chills thinking about it. I actually tear up even thinking of graduation....not having Mom and Dad here to be so proud that she finally did it. But, we take one day at a time and only hope for the best. I am trying to do a better job enjoying the moment and not think too hardly about the future and what it would be like "if"...

All my love and hope as we enter this Holiday Season that you are watching us closely and that you are truly here in spirit..............miss you so much every day.

Melissa

A busy Fall...

We had a nice weekend in MI..was able to catch up with my Sister, watched the cousins play together, caught some of Aydan's hockey game, meet our new niece Violet and took the kids to the cemetery for my Parent's 35th wedding anniversary. We would have had a party - or at minimum, took them out to a nice dinner. I feel so sad my parents didn't get to further celebrate their years together. They took "till death to us part" to a whole new level. I am happy that they never had to experience life without each other. I think that part brings some comfort as I am not sure how they would have survived on their own. I think it would have been so painful to watch as a child seeing your Parent heartbroken. They would have suffered. But, it doesn't make this any easier.

It's important for my kids to still be connected to my parents...Elle enjoyed the cemetery. We left flowers, a pumpkin and a balloon. And every time we see an Angel, or hear the word Heaven she yells with joy something about my parents (her Grandparents in Heaven). Harry ran around the grass stepping on their gravestone...without a clue what we were actually doing there. It bothers me tremendously they won't know my parents like I did. They were so funny and loving....and would have been a huge part of their lives.

A busy Fall it has been and it's not slowing down this month...this weekend we are hosting a fun little Fall happy hour with our friends and their kids. Next weekend I leave for Texas to attend a conference but before it starts, I get to spend a few days with my Aunt Lisa (Mom's sister) and my cousin Tracy and her husband. I am so excited to be there and explore a little of Dallas. My Mom was there about a year before she died for my Aunt's wedding. They had SUCH a blast, the pictures were so much fun. They converted my Aunt's home to a reception and danced the night away in her living room. My Mom was such a loving Sister - she always made the effort.  Then, the next weekend I will be back in MI for a friend's baby shower, then visitors in Cincinnati first weekend in November and our neighborhood block party then a suite with my company at a Bengals game....lots and lots of activities going on. Keeping busy is how I survive. Our mornings and nights are crazy after a long day at school for the kids and work for us....but it in the end it all works out....hustle and bustle works for our family.

Praying for Justin ...I am fearful some of his symptoms are coming back, his paranoia in particular, after several years of making so much progress. I feel so sad for my Brother and his fight against mental illness. I wish there was more I could do.

run for fun

I've finally gotten my running groove back. Since Mom and Dad passed and well, having two kids, it's been challenging to focus on one my favorite things to do which is run. I know, I know, I was teased all through school on who and the heck would "run for fun"...but I love it. Especially now, it's a stress reliever and a way for me to be in control and not a bad keep in shape/maintain my post baby body tactic. I've also found a fantastic running partner. A running partner, especially a good one, makes the world of difference. The last race I ran before Mom and Dad died, was the Country Music Half marathon in Nashville. They came down with me to watch me run and got such enjoyment seeing me cross the 10 mile marker with a smile on my face. We had such a great time. My running partner for several months was a co-worker and we had a similar pace and really motivated one another to keep the mileage up. I also didn't have kids at the time and it was easier to dedicate the hours to running. Now, I go a few times a week after getting the kids home from school, fed, bathed and tucked into bed....so it's a busy day ending with a great run. My new running partner has also become a great friend - her kids go to the same school as Elle and Harry and similar ages as well.

I had been pondering what I could do for my Parent's memory next Spring where it will be the dreaded 5 year anniversary of their death. Every year is HARD but 5 just seems so long since I've seen their smiling faces, heard their encouraging words or simply had a parent tell me what to do or what they think. I originally thought I would go back to MI and get all of their hundreds of friends and family together at a park, have a band play amazing grace and let go hundreds of red and blue balloons into the sky. But then I started feeling overwhelmed of the sadness I may feel or bring to others by making it an "event". April 7th is not a celebration but I do find comfort in honoring their lives on a day that brings such darkness to my Family. So then, I thought I would get some of our friends and head back almost 6 years later to Nashville and run that race again. Now it's leaning toward Cincinnati, staying local and running the Cincinnati flying pig half marathon so more people could participate and be a part of their ongoing memory....but we will see....nonetheless, a run feels right. Nothing I do will ever measure up to the great loss and void I feel or how much they are missed but running is something they enjoyed watching me do for many years and something I am thankful for that has come back to me after several years of not making it a priority after they died.

The kids are getting so big. Harry is starting to say the names of his friends in his class...i remember when Elle did that...we had no idea she knew all of their names and all sudden she was telling us their first and last names. Harry is the social butterfly at school....his teachers refer to him as the "class greeter"....he is really happy and sweet at school. At home is very much a mama's boy and I find myself holding him a lot still. I guess I don't want to let go of that baby stage that is quickly slipping away......Elle is such a big girl now. She has tantrums and moments that make us want to pull our hair out but she is getting even more beautiful and smart. I cannot believe the vocabulary and knowledge of someone so tiny.We miss you everyday, Mom and Dad...

All my love.
Melissa

Fall 2012 is here.

I'm so tired....Ted's been traveling all week which means hustle and bustle!  The kids and I actually do just fine. We eat simple meals. We keep the house clean. We get our walks and nightly baths in. I make their lunches. I sneak a shower in. I work all day. And sing to them at night.
I love them and am grateful they are healthy and thriving...but (there's always a but), I HATE being alone. Ever since my Parents died, I hate being alone. The anxiety and attention on the fact that my Family is gone and I don't have Mom to call worsens when I am alone with the kids. It's just a bad feeling. During the week is better because we are busy and have a routine...but Sunday I just felt off.

I felt depressed and worried. I felt sad my Sister and I can't see eye to eye on the future of the lake. I know in my heart its in the best interest of all of us despite the heartache we'll face. It comes in waves...for the most part, I am doing just fine.

We're headed back to MI again this weekend to work on the lake again and hopefully meet our niece OR nephew. But I look forward to being home more this Fall....getting the house back in order, having our friends over for happy hour, doing some fun things with the kids for the Fall.....I love the Fall. It is by far my favorite season - as soon as Labor day was over....out comes the Fall decor and everything pumpkin. I love chillier nights, skinny jeans, boots, hoodies, pumpkin ale and a good fall chardonnay. I love anything orange - and all things for the home that smell like Fall (especially my company's new line of Glade seasonal candles!). Next week (my turn to be out and about) I have several fun little events - I am hosting a mixer at a very cool wine and food place with the Network of Executive woman. It's great to surround yourself with other woman in the industry who face the same juggles and challenges as a working Mom. We want to do it all....we try our best but many of us are at capacity. An evening out with great food and drink will be fantastic.

Another weekend on the road but Ted's parents are so good to us. Always have the home filled with everything the kids need, we get caught up on laundry and its always nice to see family especially when you are out of State. But, its never the same. I'll always long to have my Mom and Dad back.....will always face difficulty during any holiday or milestone. I have to keep reminding myself I can never change it.....but I can continue to honor their life and see them through Aydan, Elle and Harry.

Miss you guys. Wonder what you've been up to...wonder if you're worried about Grandpa.....or if you've looked over your siblings - we miss them.....or if you're watching Chris study late into the night.....did you catch Aydan on the first day of school? He's so big and handsome....
Do you watch me and laugh your ass off how I am running around like a crazy woman and still am as anal as I was when you were alive and about keeping my counter tops clean? Some things will never change.  Are you sad that we're sad? I know you want to be here but I hope it's not bothering you.  Think of you every day.

All my love,
Melissa

Labor day weekend

An emotional yet inspiring weekend in Atlanta as I got to visit with my good friend who recently was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. I couldn't wait to give her a hug...I knew the right words wouldn't be said and nothing we could do would take this away but I know in my heart she felt loved and it hopefully reconfirmed that we are here for her....we are a drive, flight, phone call away....we are her biggest cheerleaders. Praying for her to keep up with the positivity. I'm so proud of her and pray Mom and Dad can watch over her too.

I came home from Atlanta feeling thankful for my good health. While I have stress and issues, my family is healthy......but it's amazing how quickly life comes back rolling in and you get back into routine, back to getting upset, and stuff just starts popping up that frusturates you. We have a lot of house things to take care of....a broken pipe in the basement, a dead tree thats massive and over 130 years old and tons of yard work and several other projects in and outside the house that we just have not had the time for this Summer.  All of this yet I'm worried and thinking about the lake. We are getting up to Harrison this weekend....so much to do, we are going to put it up on the market.  I'm devastated but we cannot manage two homes from this distance.....who were we kidding?? I feel another piece of my parents and childhood will be gone but I know in my heart it's the right thing to do but its not easy and its painful. Maybe it won't sell for a few years....maybe there will be more time to have the kids play up there so they'll remember the house.  We'll always take them to Harrison even if it means renting a place one day but it bothers me that I won't have that home base anymore that was my parents. Though they are gone, I can still say "my parents place"....and it feels good.....but they'd be so sad about the fighting and how little we can get up there with the distance....I know they would want us to make the best decision for the entire family.

Labor day is approaching and I would give any thing to be heading up with there with the kids and
to hang with mom and dad for the weekend....Everything is so different now.  There won't be a big family weekend....we'll see Ted's parents, will pop up to the lake to work our butts off while trying to 
chase a one year old and we may see Ted's brother and meet their little one if they have the baby over the weekend. I miss having my own family Unit and all i want is for my parents to take care of me. 
Just for the weekend. I know I'm an adult.....but I feel so alone at times and I hate it. The anger is still here...it all goes back to the void and I just want my parents back. 

I'm upset but I know Ted and I will get everything done (somehow)..and...even if we have to spend quite a bit of money, we'll eventually get everything at our own home too.  It will all work out but I'm stressed, ted's mom can't lift yet from her eye surgery so she can't watch our sweet boy. I was excited just Ted and I were going to the lake.....we could get stuff done.....and really do some much needed thinking........but you can't beat the coolest dude on the planet tagging along to the place where he was named from.....and he'll have to somehow help me go through pictures and some of the important things we need to start deciding who wants what. Something I never did at their home in Allen Park.....I couldn't do it and I'm not sure you can ever prepare yourself for going through your parents home or lake home.....such a painful thing. Letting go is so hard.

adventure out East

We have been on the go all Summer and our last big adventure was this past weekend in CT. We all  gathered there for Ted's side of the family for the 1st family reunion. CT (the beach house in particular) holds a special place in our hearts - we spent a lot of time there and with his Aunt, Uncle and cousins when we lived in Boston for 4 years. It was an amazing weekend...his Aunt and Uncle put on such a cool celebration that was so kid friendly, we had the best accommodations in a quaint B&B overlooking the Long Island Sound....and the meals and snacks were all so perfect for the setting. They hosted a Lobster bake Saturday afternoon, passed appetizers, an amazing buffet, dessert and coffee, plenty of wine and in a beautiful setting with great family. My family is so small these days and Ted has a very small family so it was nice to be around extended family and be around all the cousins that we love dearly and get to see and meet their children all of which are very close to Harry and Elle's age. It was the perfect summer weekend.

It was exhausting though...with two little ones you rarely ever get a break. I would often think if my  Mom were alive how it would easier to get breaks here and there because Mom would take the kids or hold them more or I could have her visit for a weekend and she would tell Ted and I to go out to dinner for "date night". I guess it doesn't do me any good to think about what could have been....but, it's bothersome and I feel inside that Ted and I are alone. Sure we have an amazing network of friends, extended family and his parents that love us. But I always feel like we (mainly me) are outsiders.....I guess these are all normal feelings when you experience such a loss that you live with a very strong void in your life but it has worsen as we've extended our own family. We want that closeness with others for our kids. Nonetheless, the love was felt this weekend by Ted's amazing Aunt & Uncle...I cannot thank them enough for gathering everyone in such a perfect setting with the most incredible details. I don't want to go two years again without seeing them again and hope we can do something again next year or at least take trips to see one other more frequently.
I am so glad the kids will have these memories (and plenty of pictures) out East.

We also got to spend the day and evening with our good friends Erich and Carolyn (who we hung out with a ton while living in Boston and got to visit them in Paris when they were there for a two year work assignment). We had a great time visiting with them, meeting their Son, enjoying a fun lunch downtown at our old favorite place, grabbing cupcakes with the kids and bouncing around Boston.....I miss that place and it was fun to be back for the day.

This weekend Chris has decided to bring Aydan to Cincinnati for the weekend before she starts her final year of RN school. We are all under stress right now on what to do with the lake home....I think it is sadly time for it to be on the market. We are over 7 hours away, no one can keep up with the maintenance and when we do get up there we have to work not enjoy this wonderful place. It's unfortunate and I am heartbroken but I believe it is the right thing to do for all of us involved. I hope my Sister one day will agree.....regardless, I am very excited to have family here this weekend to take A shoe shopping and all of us have some fun up at the St Mary's festival that is walking distance to our house.  Dad will be missed...he loved this festival!

All my love,
Melissa

another year older!

Birthdays just aren't the same! I try to always stay positive and I loved receiving all of the cards, gifts, texts, calls and emails and really enjoyed a night out with a few great friends over some great wine this weekend & eating the wonderful cake Ted and Elle baked for me...but without receiving a call from my Mom makes birthdays less meaningful and enjoyable, I wish it didn't feel that way. I know I should be so thankful to be healthy and alive with a beautiful family and I SO am...but I miss having a Mom to love and care for me. A Mom & Dad to call me on my birthday. It may seem selfish but it's how I feel. Some days are tougher than others but I think I will always feel this way around Holidays and special occasions. I have accepted this but know I must continue to stay as positive as possible and still make the best out of every day and situation and enjoy life...

I took the kids on Friday to one of our favorite neighborhood parks for an annual photo shoot. We have the best photographer....does a great job with the kids. They were stressful for me.....I tried to keep my cool....but when she sent me a sneak peek of two of the pictures she captured I lost it & it made that hour of stress SO worth it. They were timeless and beautiful. I never would have expected them to me that beautiful. Elle was holding a mason jar with a vintage stripey straw up to Harrison's mouth so he could take a sip of water. I started balling. Elle looked like the beautiful big sis she is but in a different way...she looked much older. I all of sudden starred at the picture imagining her as a teenager....and little Harry.....he's not a baby anymore ( I know, news flash right?) but he looked like a BOY....so calm and sweet....sipping his water with his big sis.  These two beauties were a result of my Parents loss......hate that it happened that way yet so blessed out of such dark day came these amazing, bright-eyed kids. 

I have a feeling life is going to get even more stressful here shortly as we rethink the lake....Christina enters her 2nd and final year of the RN program in two weeks. It's going to be so tough. In my heart I know what the right decision is but I am not sure my Sister and I will ever agree. I never, ever wanted to be put in this position. I am so tired of dealing with it.  I don't want to clean out my Parents lake home. My Sister handled Allen Park...I could have never in a million years did that. I've handled a lot but that's one thing I had to stay away from.  I have guilt. I don't want to let the place go.....but I cannot handle the stress & worry anymore.  Praying my parents tell me what to do....and to send Chris down some extra strength this next year...she'll need it. 

All my love. 

tragedy.

Man it is so hard to watch this coverage on the Colorado shootings. While there were so many details to our family tragedy I opted to not know, I find myself wanting to know the details in this public case....like my brother, this young man had access online to so many things that made it possible for him to do the unthinkable. It sure is terrible it is that simple to collect guns, bullets and all of the supplies over a 6 month period and cause no warning signs to anyone. I feel for all of the people who have died and to the family members left behind in such a tragic event...

I swear, ever since Mom and Dad have passed....I now see tragedy in the World, in people I know.....I hear terrible stories every month...a suicide, cancer, illnesses, car accidents....surely this was happening four ago but not to people I knew. It's happening all around me now.

Hearing people who survived the Colorado tragedy feel so blessed to be alive and are hugging their children a little tighter these past few days. I wish that stuck with me. I should feel lucky to be alive each and every day. My parents would give anything to be here. And I could have been home that week as well and never had the chance to experience being a Mom or to continue my life with Ted and all our friends and extended family. I need to be more thankful despite the sadness but it's all easier said than done. I've learned we are all stronger than we think but it doesnt mean it's easy. I was watching my neighbors house as I was watering the lawn.....both sets of grandparents were over playing with the kids. To them  this is normal. To me that is something I miss out on every day of my life. Sharing my life and family with my parents. It's a huge void that is always with me yet I am proud I continue to push forward and never stop living. Had a wonderful friend over this evening for a playdate (and wine of course) while our husband's attended this cool beer tasting event in the square.....it was a busy evening chasing the kids around but so much fun as well.

We continue to keep busy with the kiddos and hanging with such great people.....we'll head back to MI again next weekend to see our family and friends for a long weekend...and then it will soon be my 33rd birthday. Yikes. Where is the timing going....seems like yesterday I was out with my parents here celebrating my 28th...we had such a blast that night!

Thinking of everyone tonight in Colorado and to anyone else who has suffered from tragedy and mental illness.

All my love,
Melissa

This weekend was great (even with both of the kiddos having a low grade fever...I swear its a weekly occurrence for Harry). Speaking of the prince, he is walking. He still prefers crawling but he can take 10-15 steps when he feels like it so that has been fun to watch and cheer him on. He's such a sweetie but boy is he attached to his MOM. Totally my fault as I never put him down his first year of life. Ted just looks at me and laughs...."you did this", he says!

These are the type of weekends that makes me feel normal...we hosted a casual dinner party on Saturday with two AWESOME couples and their sweet children. We made some yummy food and had drinks and chased the kids around. Sunday, Ted and I met up separately with one of the couples to run a few miles then we all met up again later at the pool...it's been a lot of fun to have great friends that have kids that like to have a lot of fun like we do. Everything was going great and I think for several hours I even forgot my Parents were dead...until later this evening, Justin kept calling. That's when reality sets back in...things were normal, we have such great friends here, we just got back from an amazing vacation, work is going well....but, I still have a mentally ill brother who took my Parent's life. I still have to face this every day and I have plans to see him in a few weekends when we are back in MI. Alone this time so Ted can stay with the kids and our friends. I care for my brother very much and I worry about him...he's made SO much progress with still a ways to go either way it saddens me. I just want to be normal and enjoy my life, my kids, my friends....I wish I had parents, and a brother and I wish my Sister and I could just be sisters....and that we didn't have the stress of the lake. I wish, I wish...I guess the big positive is everything else going in our life is wonderful but the tough stuff is really tough...

But, this weekend was great and I go to bed thinking of my Family and being thankful for our wonderful friends here and the fun we continue to all have together and thinking of all of our friends in MI, PA, AZ, MA, VA and everywhere else....we miss you all so much.

Leaving you with pics from our beautiful vacation in St John that I meant to post last week....a few of my favorites...

All my love, Mom and Dad.....Melissa

Back to reality

Vacation was beautiful. St John is a stunning place that I would visit over and over. But, it was defintley not much of a relaxing vacation with the kids (in particular, a one year old) but, I'm so happy Elle will have these memories with us and GRandparents. I couldn't help but think why I was there how much fun my folks would have had with all of us...they were so missed. I still at times, even though it's been four years, am in disbelief that they are missing this and are gone. While many think I have moved on ( or forward is the word I prefer), I often question that. Have I really faced the deep sadness and reality? I think I have... it really became clear after seeing my brother for the first time but there are still days of struggle but less tears and more joy through my own family and friends. I continue to be amazed at how blessed Ted and I are but it hasn't been easy. Their death has impacted my life forever. Some of my favorite memories about vacation: -drinking coffee on the villa's massive patio overlooking the Bay while chasing Harry around -visiting the beach and truly taking in how beautiful it was -watching Elle enjoying the pool, beach and sand -eating yummy meals made by Ted -nap time and being able to sit in the sun with a frozen cocktail -chatting on the patio at night, with ted's parents, over drinks and laughter -watching Harry taking several steps and us all cheering -throwing rocks in the Ocean for my Dad. It was a special moment. I wish I could have done more for my Dad on his special day...but everyone was focused on packing up. I thank God I had the relationship I had with my Dad and the memories keep me going of what we did do for Dad while he was alive and how much he did for others and enjoyed being surrounded by family and friends...I miss him every day. We'll head to Harrison soon to spend a weekend at the lake...I don't know what the future holds but I can't wait to be there with the kids and Ted and I am beyond thrilled to see my grandfather and aunt and uncle....and our best bud Josh who has been living in Hawaii and was just married in Canada is meeting us up there. He has been an incredible life-long family friend that we can always count on and is always there. He's always asking about the kids and making the effort to see us though his life has been crazy. I can't wait to celebrate with him up at the lake....And potentially plan a visit next year to Hawaii to see him over our 10 year anniversary. Watch over my friend fighting cancer, Mom and Dad....I miss you guys SO much...miss your laughter...love you always. Melissa

ST JOHN BOUND

I'm officially on vacation. Done from work for 10 days!!!!!! I have needed a break so much after the craziness at work and just life stresses in general. We are headed to the beautiful Island of St John, our second time back actually staying right on St John, third time visiting. It's our favorite place...most beautiful water and beaches...we rented a home with Ted's parents. We are thrilled we got them to come along with us....it has been a tough road these last four years as I have learned to live with the death of my parents...it has added pressure and complicated our relationship. The whole situation has been heartbreaking...nonetheless, they are loving and supportive and wonderful Grandparents to Elle & Harry.  There was no manual on how to handle a tragedy and the impact it would have on special relationships. I am proud we have continued to move forward and work through this together.

I feel so blessed that I have the oppotunity to take my children to a beautiful place, to be in an amazing villa overlooking the Ocean, walking distance to incredible beaches...I pray for fun, relaxation and safety. The trip got even better today when all of us were upgraded to first class all the way to St Thomas Saturday. I am sure we will get some odd looks with a one and 3 and 1/2 year old! Should be interesting. I most defintley will take up the offer of a glass of champagne. I want to celebrate. Celebrate the year of our beutiful, healthy Son, Harrison...Elle growing up to be a great, big Sis, Our successfull careers, Ted's Mom turning 60 and retiring and my Father's birthday is on the 28th. He'd so enjoy being with us on vacation. I sure will miss you guys. We have much to celebrate for in June.

Feeling lucky today. My life has been filled with such fabulous travel and Ted and I have had the opportunity to see such beautiness even through the toughest of times in our lives.

With all this, my thoughts are with my dear friend. She was diganosed with stage 4 colon cancer out of the blue. We spent a weekend in Chicago last month without knowing the terrible news we would receive a week later. She has started chemo and is so incedibly strong and SO positive. I am so proud of her. She will get through this.

All my love and safe travels for a beautiful week with my Family. Watch over us, Mom and Dad.

sweet Harry turns one

Another milestone missed but I know in my heart you are always there with us...but it will never be the same. Any joy in our lives is followed by...but I wish Mom and Dad were here...

Grandpa ended up in this hospital so he was unable to come up for Harry's party. I was so sad not only for his health but I wanted him there to represent our family... H's only Grandparent from my side of the Family. But he called once he got out of the hospital to say how much he wanted to be there. I was just glad they caught the bleeding ulcers. He's not allowed to leave us anytime soon. Harry's party turned out sweet...it was a small gathering but I had so much fun putting together his little vintage summer theme. He was feeling a bit under the weather though but we were able to capture some cute pictures. He didn't eat any cake but a few licks of frosting. (we sure he's my son??)

Life is really flying by and June is a really special month for our family between Dad, Aydan and Harrison's birthday...Aunt Kim and Uncle Mike were also born in June...and we have our Family vacation to ST JOHN quickly approaching us...really looking forward to putting everything aside (I will try) for the week and to enjoy the beauty of the Island...Elle is getting SO excited to be in an airplane as a big girl and continues to talk about the beach and all the stuff she plans to do. I'm looking forward to the memories and I am so glad we convinced Ted's parents to come along...will be so nice for the kids to have those memories. We will miss you Mom and Dad...know how much you would have enjoyed this.

Today is Father's day and I miss my wonderful, laid back, always helped others, never judged, always looking to have fun, DAD. I miss you more than words could ever explain. Hope they're treating you well up there. You would be so proud of the family Dad. You'd be so amazed at Aydan these days and what a cool dude Harrison is. We keep in touch with Justin...and he seems to be doing OK. We love you...

All my love,

1st week of June

After another horrific nightmare end of May...June got off to a GREAT start with the most fabulous weather... back to high 70s with no humidity and full sun. Work is over the top stressful and demanding right now prepping for a big meeting this upcoming Thursday, but we still managed to have a great weekend with the kids and put it aside when I could. Ted had a race on Saturday with a co-worker so the kids and I kept busy going on walks, hanging out in the square, grabbing popcorn...I absolutely love this neighborhood even more when I'm alone with the kids as there is so much to do and a lot of people around with their kids all in walking distance. Sunday was an early morning but I caught a quick jog and we headed to the zoo to meet Elle's BFF JR and his parents. We've gotten to really know JR's family...we have so much in common and we love hanging out with them. Between soccer, them being in the same class and meeting up throughout the weekend, these kids nearly see each other daily. It's fun to watch them together. Harry is doing great - I still hold him a ton (think i am trying to prevent him from walking, although he did take ONE step on Friday!) and I got a few, rare minutes with just me and Elle for her FIRST manicure. What a blast she had although I got sad after...she's too big now....she was sitting there getting her nails painted like a little lady. Breaks my heart. All of these milestones...some bigger than others just make me miss my family SO much more wishing I had mom to call to share in these special moments. We have a big weekend ahead as we celebrate the birth of Harrison a little early while we're back in MI and I'll get to see my nephew who was born the day after Harry 8 years ago....time has really flown.

June will be a busy but memorable month between everything we have going on, Harry's 1st birthday and our family vacation later this month to ST JOHN...I will be ready for a vacation.

All my love,

tired

I had the strangest dream last night. We were having Harry's birthday party which is actually approaching, however, the party took place at Mom and Dad's home in Allen Park. We were in the basement and garage. It was the house. Justin was even there - he was actually running up to the store to buy the lemonade for our signature drink. But he never brought the lemonade....I kept waiting and waiting and more people continued to arrive and we had nothing to drink. I saw Mom in the basement setting up the Mason jars and striped paper straws that I actually do have. I then randomly checked my phone in my dream and checked my email and Justin had emailed me that he would not be getting the lemonade and if I I could do it. It was so odd...I know it all ties together in some strange way...I'm emotional about Harry turning one and I wish my Parents were here...their void is even stronger during times like this.

I'm tired mentally. I don't know what to do anymore with the lake. It's ruining my relationship with my Sister. We are not seeing eye to eye. It breaks my heart my Parents favorite place is used so little, it's starting to having issues...we live 8 hrs away...I am trying to set the emotions aside (as hard as that is) and look at this practically. What they would want. They would never want us to take on all of this responsibility. Chris needs to be focusing on finishing RN school and Aydan....I just don't see how this could work. It is wearing me down. I never wanted to make the type of decisions at this stage in my life where I am raising my own family, early in my career....we just have too much going on along with the stresses and life changes we've experienced with death of my parents.

Ted went to spend the weekend with one of our best friends up in Canada - the kids and I have kept super busy but I am tired. Elle's buddy JR and his family was so kind to hang out with us pretty much all weekend...we had them over Friday for dinner, we saw them at Soccer Saturday morning then spent the evening at their house. It is most definitely not easy with two kids by yourself...I give ALL single Moms (including my Sister) such credit and strength. Harry is so easy and very chill but Elle has entered a little rough patch - she hates when its time to leave her friends and begins to throw tantrums. I wish my Mom was here to comment on this but I have a feeling I was very similar. She has a bit of an attitude and it can make ya crazy. But then she is the sweetest big Sister and was so well behaved when i took the kids to Striderite today to pick out water shoes for them. Though I have been lonely this weekend and have struggled with loneliness since Mom and Dad died, I thoroughly enjoy the one on one time with my beautiful kids. I am so blessed...ahhhh I so get it, I see it and I can feel it yet the hurt and pain comes through the blessed moments and sometimes I miss them. I wish it wasn't that way.

So looking forward to my husband returning and hopeully soon clarity is brought on what to do with the beloved lake-house. I miss my Sister.

All my love...

home

April was filled with sadness and remembrance....and I always look forward to May. We had visitors throughout the month and this was the first weekend we were home in Cincinnati with just our Family. Though Ted was still recovering from the flu, and Harry caught pink eye, we managed to have a great weekend around our neighborhood.....Elle cheered on the 19,000 runners going through our neighborhood for the flying pig marathon, went to the zoo and attended a friends of ours son's birthday party. Ted and I also snuck in a dinner night out while elle & harry stayed back with a sitter...in celebration of 9 years of marriage next week. It is so hard to believe it has been 9 years. I associate time with my parents death - and when they died we were planning our 5 year anniversary trip to ST JOHN and would be leaving the following month.....we almost cancelled that trip......I had such mixed feelings about going on a vacation after being completely traumatized. We will actually head back there next month, 4 years later. This time with a different perspective. Perhaps we will truly be able to take in the beautiful Island of ST JOHN. We cannot wait to take our children on their next adventure. 

These past 9 years of my life have been the most challenging and difficult but also the most rewarding, wonderful, blessed years of my life as well. I am so thankful my parents got to see me marry Ted and share all of the special moments with us...they laid the foundation for us and made us understand the true meaning of love and how important family and friends are. 

I look at these beautiful pictures and know how blessed I am.....though there is heartache, we have a life filled with purpose, love and wonderful memories and because of my parents death, we caught on very early in life the importance of all of this.  And we also received fantastic news from Christina Friday....she has officially passed her first year of RN school....it has been challenging as ever as a single Mom but we are crossing our fingers she can kick butt in year 2 starting in the Fall as she did this first year......I know my parents would be so proud. 

thinking of a families loss

Thinking of my good friend who lost her ex-husband this month and was laid to rest today, she is speaking at his funeral. They were together for 16 years. Sweethearts all through middle & high school. They were never apart...they decided to go their separate ways after they did try marriage. I was also very good friends with his Sister. She and I ran track together all through middle school & high school. They have wonderful parents. My heart aches for them to bury their Son at such a young age but more so how he passed. It was a tragic event - he committed suicide. Suicide scares me so much. It breaks my heart. I know how numb and in shock his family is right now....they are thinking they could have stopped it, they will have regret, they are wishing it wasn't their family, they are blaming themselves. All of these feelings I felt before and it's terrible. I am sure they are receiving a ton of support and they will soon have to return back to their life....sure I returned back to work but it didn't hit me until weeks after they passed that they were truly gone. I will never forget that moment - I've written about it before. I was driving and it hit me. I was screaming uncontrollably "mommy". I couldn't believe they weren't there to call. I pray his entire family & friends can somehow get past how he died and remember happily how he lived...but its the hardest thing to do. The tragedy takes over all of the good....and you have to dig so deep in your heart to accept the awfullness of the death....and know they are not in pain and they hopefully didn't feel a thing.
Death is everywhere and I notice it so much more now that my parents died. These stories impact me and I feel badly for days after I hear this type of news. I think its because I can relate to the shock and sadness and I now know normal happy families can experience tragedy when it's least expected. I know that anything is possible and so many things are out of our control.

I worry about raising kids in this kind of world. I want to shelter them from everything...depression, drugs, drunk drivers, bully's, guns...I worry so much now...I hugged and kissed my kids a lot this weekend...I am so thankful I have them and I pray from here on out my family can live a life with less heartache, continued success and happiness and a peaceful heart that my parents are OKAY enjoying their eternal life. A day won't go by that I won't think of them. Tears will still flow wishing they were here.....but I know how quickly life can be taken away...we have to enjoy our loved ones and friends as much as possible....

4 years.

You've been gone for 4 years. So much time has passed, Mom and Dad. I have children now-do you believe it? I've changed positions several times, Ted no longer has all of those samples you used to take home since he switched companies, Christina is a nursing student, and Aydan is an all-star athlete in the 2nd grade, Grandpa's health is good...he continues to travel to FL for the Winter and we see him often. I can't believe you have missed all this?

I get glimpses of what life would be like if our family was back together and how it would feel to have a Mom and Dad and to have a "home" to go back to. I miss that sense of security and after a really good therapy session today we got to the bottom of some of my expectations of others & disappointment in some. It comes down to my sense of security being lost and the closeness I shared with my Mother causes me to have a major void and I look to fill that closeness and value connectedness very strongly even though others may not. Of course I understand not all people are like me but after you go through a tragedy, trust me....many things that you never would have thought of become clear and it sucks. You think, look, and feel everything....to a fault.

Nonetheless the anniversary of your death was a beautiful sunny day. Christina, Aydan and Cindy were in town and with some of our friends, we all walked throughout Hyde Park in honor of your memory - we ended in the square at a little wine shop for a champagne toast and some food and my most favorite part of the afternoon was watching the kids letting go balloons (in red and blue) and watching them float up into the sky toward the clouds....off to heaven. I hope they made it to you. I have no idea if you can really see us down here. Sometimes I hope you cannot because I think you would be sad. Other times I pray you do see us and that sadness isn't possible and you only feel happy thoughts and are proud of what you do see.

I'm still so dang sad that you are gone but I continue to live my life, with some struggles but moving forward regardless...we have such great friends, fabulous summer vacations planned this year, lots of visitors this month which is exciting and fun with the kids....Elle started soccer last weekend.....OK, so she inherited some speed from your daughter. Yah me, hello.....we had no idea she could run like that and kick a ball. It was so cute. And, your sweet, innocent grandson Harry has turned a little feisty on me. He is going to be a mover and shaker I think. I originally was thinking he was going to be laid back like the two of you but I am not too sure now.

Well, I love you both with all of my heart and your Family and friends miss you so much. I would do anything to bring you back and to get a sign that you're OK and happy. My heart will forever ache for the way you died but I am so proud of the resiliency of this Family. I know some of us are struggling more than others. I continue to hope for the best and I'll still try to do my best to keep the family together like you both always did. It's hard though...I'm realizing our gift of togetherness is not something everyone values but I know it's something that is natural for us. I will continue to pray for peace in all of our hearts...I hope your happy and together and not sad that we're sad....we'll be OK, we just miss you so much but know one day we will see you again...

All my love,

Melissa

fast

This weather has been incredible - 80s in March? With Spring forward, I can now go running after the kids go to bed. It's still light at 7:30 and our neighborhood is FILLED with runners - which is rather motivating. I counted 24 different runners just on my small run around the square and through our neighborhood. As I was running and changing the songs on my Ipod I thought of my Dad. And I ran faster. He never missed a track meet of mine throughout my years of running and he would always say to me "stop psyching yourself out! you are going to win!" His brother, my Uncle Stan and him were so proud that I could run fast. I don't why. I mean, I'm sure if I were good at soccer or a more exciting sport would have probably been a little more entertaining but there was something about track that I absolutely loved. And my Dad and my other family members got into it. I would glance up to the sky as I was running tonight thinking if Dad was watching over me...if he was still proud or if he's sad...sad that I'm sad and sad that he's missing being around us kids and his grandchildren. I have a real tough time with the whole "their watching over you". I'm just not totally sure I believe that part. I feel like they are sad watching me. Why wouldn't they rather be here? They didn't want to go yet. They weren't suffering, or getting old...they were living their life, young, just retired and happy.

I am good with this warmer than average weather....it's Summer weather and I would be totally OK if we skipped right through Spring.

On another note, prince Harry (no, not the one that is all over the news these days OUR prince Harry...) is 9 months old today! He is still SO chill and sweet. I've heard (and witnessed) boys can be busy bodies. I am still waiting for that. He is Mr. Chill. Still not "officially" crawling yet. He moves though and his teachers laugh at school "that boy will get everything he wants without crawling"...he'll reach, grab, scoot, roll, get on all fours, rock/bend without exerting too much energy. He is hilarious. I am in NO rush for crawling, walking and all that. I know it will come with time and the doc and I were chatting and he was saying how Elle was quite early on the verbal/cognitive skills side or whatever he said and that physical came a little later. Cool...I'm good with them being "thinkers" and a little more chill as it will all come with time and then you blink and they are RUNNING and saying goodbye to you. My last baby....he's growing much too fast. I feel so lucky to have gotten to experience having a BOY too. Harrison rocks.... I will never let him get married, I will likely be his college roommate & I will buy my retirement house in his neighborhood. Oh his wife will HATE me. I can't wait!

I'll worry about Elle, hoping she'll choose the "nice" guy, afraid she'll drive in cars with boys or with stupid people who drink & drive. I hope I'm not controlling. I hope I am like my Mom was to me. She was always there, super caring and sweet and really, really funny.

I am pretty sure I will be the "in your face, over-bearing, call 20 times a day, Mom". I'll just go ahead and apologize ahead of time. But I'll be funny. I'm not missing out on anything though...I sure hope I am always here for my kids. I never want them to do this without us. I look at me and Chris and how much we need our parents. Parents are a child's safety net...even long into adulthood.....I miss my Mom and Dad.

I need ya, Mom.

It was such a wonderful day and really FUN weekend... but it once again ends with anger and sadness. The weather was SO beautiful....after Ted went to the gym and I cleaned up around the house and got the kids fed lunch, Ted and I took the double stroller out and walked a few miles, stopped at my favorite store (lulu lemon) and bought some things all while the kids peacefully took their naps..then we ended at this quaint little popcorn shop by our house and we sat on the bench enjoying this gorgeous weather and loving our neighborhood. For those few hours, I felt SO normal. Life was good. I didn't have a huge void in my heart. Or the pain and worry for my brother. Our sweet kids....sleeping and breathing in fresh air was so peaceful to see.....Then bam. Disappointment. Easter weekend, the death of Mom and Dad....I had it all figured out....we would do a 5k walk with Ted's parents and my sister and the kids....we'd end in Hyde Park square, there would be champagne waiting for our little group. We'd let two balloons go for Mom and Dad. The day would be less sad by surrounding ourselves by people that love us and that we with us when we last saw Mom and Dad. Things change and I know the intentions are to not hurt us. Ted was hurt, I could tell....he went oustide and just cleaned out his car. I know he felt more bad for me. I miss my family. I was angry. No one will ever understand. I hate that we have one set of parents.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I want my parents too with Ted's parents...they both would be great together and one of them would always be here...then I wouldn't have to hope, wish, or ever be sad or let down. I would totally get it. And would be okay because we would never be alone for anything special. Someone would always be there for special occasions, to be there when we came back to MI to run over to kiss and hug the kids to see how much they've grown. My expectations would be lower and my heart wouldn't hurt so bad.

I hate Spring. This is when I shut down and I seriously don't want to talk to anyone until June. I know I cannot do that and no one at work will ever know there is a thing wrong with me and I really will get through this "season" just like I always do. And I have such fun things planned with friends & family over the next few months to look forward to. But it's the little things like these past few weeks that makes me want to scream... I don't want the pity and don't expect or want that! But I do want love and understanding especially for my kids. Maybe during certain parts of the year we do need a little more love?? I can't expect that though. No one can live up to that and if I think that way, I will be let down. I can't make family stop by to see the kids. They have to want to and it needs to be important to them. And not everyone feels the same way about the death of my parents. while they loved them dearly, it doesn't have the same impact nor should it.

I so appreciate my Sister, we have our issues....I wish I didn't treat her like a child. I feel I have to be her Mom even though she doesn't want that. She works her ass off, is a single Mom with no one at all to support her, and yet that girl will spend her last dime on gas to come to visit when we are in town. I hope I can always return the favor and to make sure her and Aydan know how much they are loved and how important they are. She is cranking through school and I cannot wait for her to graduate one day and be an official RN. She is so close. She can do this. I continue to be so proud of my Aydan too.

We'll be fine. Ted will get over this. We take deep breathes. No one will ever really understand the void, what we are missing in our lives. Some look at us and think we have the perfect life and family and we sure do.....god we are so blessed. I look at these kids every day and feel so thankful but this loss has changed our way of thinking. I think we expect too much. I guess this time I was just hoping and praying it would be known....we'd needed someone. It's a tough weekend. We wanted to do something special. I am sick of being sad. everything else about our life is amazing.......I have to keep looking at that stuff....our kids, our home, our careers, our travels, our friends...we'll keep me making an effort the best way we know how. All I want is togetherness, strong bonds between our family and friends that are connected to our children and their children and that everyone puts in effort and love. I keep talking about this. I cannot solve this or fill this void in my heart. Maybe one day I will wake up and realize this.

I miss you Mom and Dad. I am having a real shitty night after an amazing day. I just need you guys here to fix it. I want you to be in our lives.......how do I handle this? how can I stop getting so disappointed??

All my love,

Melissa

over it. I swear.

After being rather bothered today, I'm over it. Everyone is different...and what's important varies by individual. I cannot make anyone do anything even if I think it is the most fun special idea ever. Ever since my parents died, I even more so crave togetherness, family, friends, special moments for my kids with their family...the problem is our family is small & the invite list has shrunk significantly - so much has changed, the dynamic we once knew is no longer and there is distance to a lot of our family and friends. I envision cousins sharing the same birthday cake, family & friend vacations where everyone's schedules (and wallets) are the same and everyone can go, I dream of everyone attending each other's special events... I guess, even if it's my own fault, feeling like I have to be the planner, the one to take initiative to keep everyone together is often draining and it impacts me emotionally. And so my Mom is looking down and saying, "then stop doing it! forget about it! Do your own thing! Do what's important to you!". I get it Mom, I really do...my therapist even confirms that I am a very family centered person almost to a fault. My expectations that everyone else will be the same is setting myself up for disappointment time and time again. But I always wonder why I am like this.

From this day forward I pledge to do my own thing whether it ends up being just my kids, my husband, my dog (and likely Chris and Aydan) then I need to be OK with this. Everyone has lives...everyone has their own plans...their own agendas...I have amazingly special, supportive friends who love us from a distance and here locally.... family who no matter if they can be present or not for special events always send such generous things and thoughtful cards to let us know how much we are loved.

I think back to almost 4 years ago. I was more carefree (with some OCD of course)...my life and thoughts and expectations have changed so drastically since Mom and Dad died but also by having my own children. I hope I will always be there for others and to be able to tell if someone else really needs me as well and know when those special moments are critical to embark on. I would hate to disappoint someone without knowing it mattered so much. I wish my heart was more open these days, I shut down and stick to myself sometimes but it's only because I am bothered or sad. I wish I could breathe easier, be more relaxed, go with the flow, and not to feel so heavy at times with this darn tragedy on my shoulders. They say one day it will lift If I let it but I hang on to it because I am so afraid to let go. It would be so much easier to only remember the good times and what amazing parents there were. But, it's just not that simple.

Off to start planning a possible upcoming dinner party, finish my playroom ideas so we can start ordering some stuff, Easter dinner menu for our house this year and something memorable to make 4/7 less sad, search for ideas to pass on to my Sister-in-law for her baby shower, "pinning" fun mason jar drinks to serve at Harry's 1st birthday lunch in MI, find fun creative outdoor activities for the family reunion in CT and get working on a fun picture banner to display our family photos (many of which I haven't met and cousin(s) I adore that I cannot wait to give the biggest squeeze ever to), and start the planning for my Sister's nursing graduation party (she hasn't even passed yet and is currently working her @3$ off) which is literally over a year away but I get SO gitty of the thought of her finally graduating that it makes me SO happy to envision this event. Mom and Dad will be so proud. Maybe this is my problem...I plan too much, my expectations are too high.

What's my problem?

the kids

The kids are growing so fast...Harry is just all smiles at 8 months and so chill even though the little guy cannot catch a break from these nasty colds!! Even after tubes, coughs and colds are always a possibility (thanks to school). The hope is his ears will now drain the fluid but it still bums me out when he's sick. I picked him up today and he was on his belly playing.....and this picture of your Dad and Harry just melts my heart...his only great Grandparent and only alive Grandparent from our side of the family. I hope he lives for many years to come so he can be here through the times that you and Dad cannot be.....I need him here, actually. I know how badly you want to be here. And Miss Elle - here she is in dance...I remember Chris and I and all of our dance recitals.....last Saturday was the first class that I didn't have to walk her in and comfort her before joining the circle of "dancers"...she literally let go of my hand and ran in and sat down with her little dancer friends. I was sort of sad. This is only the the beginning of them growing up, becoming independent and not needing me yet I know she'll always need me just in different ways. As Ted said to me today as we were talking about the kids and them being sick again..."it's our job to keep them healthy & safe and that's it"...

Then Ted asked me if we had a Doctor for us. Ha, as if we have time to see Doctors, it's all about the kids! "Why?", I asked...he then said he has been experiencing irregular heart beats similar to what his Dad faces. So acting like I wasn't afraid I made a note to call a Doctor tomorrow to see if they are accepting new patients. Such silly thoughts as he is fine but I immediately think the worst imagining if he died at 33 of a heart attack. He's so healthy, works out not once but twice a day. But maybe it's too much. I don't know... but we are not the young kids we once were Mom and Dad...we are adults now and need to have checkups and be certain we are living a healthy life....I miss being a kid. Even though I am so blessed with my children, our careers, friends and everything else....I miss that 28 year old that would fret over the stupidest things (as if I knew what problems were back then!), had parents to whine and cry to, laugh with and be proud of me and my accomplishments. I will say it until the day I die... I miss being a daughter....but I sure do love being a MOMMY. I know how happy that would make you.

Watch over us.

All my love,

Your daughter

yay

I got promoted today Mom and Dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miss sharing all the good, stressful, exciting times with you. I am tired today. I had a great visit with your Dad, my Grandfather this past weekend. He is so special. I am so happy he was the best Father to you and still amazed at the relationship you had. How special. I see the pain in his eyes when I talk about you and Dad....he misses you guys so much. I cannot even imagine his deep sadness even though I myself have it too. Burying your oldest daughter and your loving Son-in-law you did everything with. I just can't imagine. We miss you so much...we all do.

I know you are proud of me, well, at least today.

All my love,

Melissa

I wish there was an easy solution

It's already February.....time has just been flying since the Holidays. I know April is nearing and I really have come to grips that April will always be difficult. April will always remain my families' 9/11. What I do early on in the year is book myself silly with plans....girls weekends, weekends with friends, vacations, home renovations and now of course lots of events with the kids (dance, swimming, etc) to keep focused on other things. But it's always there....and recently, it's been bothering me even more as we think about what the future holds for the lake house in Harrison, MI. I love Harrison....I've been going there since inside my Mommy's belly....and I started appreciating the true beauty and peacefulness after I married Ted and we'd go up there and hang out with my Parents and be in pure relaxation mode (while my Parents busted their butts to entertain and keep the property up). Now with their loss, we've inherited not only their home, but all of the responsibility that comes along with it. And our distance to Harrison, is creating a problem. A problem I hate to admit....and it's causing me to think, do we need to sell the lake. Is it best for my Family and while she won't agree right now, is it best for my Sister's future? It's such a heartbreaking decision as I know we are holding onto this place for all that it resembles....my parent's favorite place, more of their things, and all of the fun memories we can still picture when we are up there. But it's not all FUN memories, it's actually really painful being up there. They weren't suppose to both be gone already and I hate that this young I have to be thinking about these type of decisions when they should be retired, still living. I don't want to have to make the decision to sell it for practical reasons as it is very emotional but the older Sister/first daughter in me is pulling me to be practical and to think in those terms as hard as it is. I know deep down most of my Parent's family hates watching us girls trying to manage all of this and candidly, watching the lake deteriorate. I cannot see hiring out for everything to maintain this place when we are using it only a few times per year and all along while Christina is busting her a** to get through RN school and support her Son. It just doesn't make sense financially. On the flip side, we would NEVER get what this place is truly worth to our Family and I would hate to live with regret or to have that guilt and to not have a place to take my kids that is still MY families. That is so important to me.

No one can tell me what to do...as no one understands all of the dynamics involved. I feel as if right now I am in a no-win situation. It's painful if I keep it and it causes a lot of work, pressure, worry but some enjoyment with my kids and memories and glimpses of what my Family was before the tragedy and also a place to take my family to remember MY folks. If I sell it, I could still go to Harrison to visit our Family and stay at Grandpa's but then potentially regret it and have guilt. I know this is the closest we will ever be to MI....with both of our careers we will only go further away....so I have to keep that in mind. The bottom line is there is no easy answer. Cleaning out another home of my Parents, even not being involved with their home in Allen Park, would be more heartache and cause sadness for my immediate family. But, I worry non-stop about the lake as it sits there...not being used.....at the end of the day, I need my Family to agree with the decision that is made and we need to be supportive of each other knowing we never wanted to be put in this position.

I continue to be amazed at times at how "everything else" in my life has turned out. Yes, I have everyday pain of carrying their loss, and my involvement and worry with my siblings (both for different reasons obviously) but the good I do have is really good....we have been so blessed with our children, careers and our quality of life and ability we have to travel and enjoy life with friends and within my new family. I hope the good stuff in my life continues and that each day brings my Family closer to peace that Mom and Dad are in a GOOD place and believe that they are watching over us. I just miss them so much and I continue to miss the involvement and role they played in my life.

Harry and Elle are doing great - our sweet boy will undergo ear tube surgery at Children's hospital on Valentines day (2 months younger than Elle when she had this same procedure). Hoping this brings much needed relief from the nasty ear infections he continues to get. Elle continues to be a sweet kid, while she is bit territorial at times and has the typical drama of a three year old, we are amazed at her kind nature. I worry at times that she isn't sticking up for herself (yes, this happens at 3 years old!!)....but I am hoping we'll continue to assure she has amazing self confidence throughout her life.

Lastly, my heart was so touched yesterday when driving the kids home from school. One of Elle's songs said the word "heaven" in it. Elle caught it instantly and yelled, "heaven!!! gramma and grampa are there". Not exactly what I ever pictured but sweet that she remembers, we talk about it and I know it will be important to her (one day) in life and she'll understand the impact they had on others and my willingness to go on with grace after tragedy. But deep down I pray I can continue to do this with "grace"...some days are harder than others and sometimes I think I am tricking myself and swaying myself in other directions to not face the true sadness. Have I really accepted their death and the way it happened? I really do not know.

All my love, Melissa

one of those weeks!

Another one of those weeks wishing I had a Mom. It's just so strange to not have her to call when things go wrong - I feel alone yet I am getting used to it. These are my kids and I have to care and love for them regardless if I don't have Mom and Dad to love them as much as we do and to care about every little detail - the milestones, the sicknesses, or frankly anything that either of the kids do that is funny (to us). Harry had a bad week...the poor kid, he is SUCH a sweetheart - he cannot catch a break these last few months. He continues to suffer from ear infections (he's undergoing ear tube surgery on Valentines day of all days) and this week he caught the nasty cough also known as "croup" which caused wheezing (strider) and it got pretty bad and caused some concern of his airways closing. We were overly cautious and I stayed overnight with him at Children's hospital to monitor him throughout the night. He did OK and was released the following day. Back up a minute....prior to leaving to take Harry to the hospital that evening - miss Elle who already had a bad day (she was bit by her friend) fell and cut above her eye open pretty badly. So....we all got in the car and headed to the ER as a Family. The Nurses and Doctors were so sweet and understanding and felt terrible both of kids were needing to be seen. Needless to say we were relieved when Ted's Mom arrived the next day. Not only is she an RN, she is always willing to help and we so appreciated her taking off work so she could watch over Harry for a few days so we could return to work. It's tough both working. I love my career and work for a great "family" company but the bottom line is - it's a business and regardless if they are flexible, the work has to get done. We are on our own here in Cincy and that's OK....we are adults, we can do this but at times I do wish we had more support around or near us. We have met incredible friends that we love dearly but our backup is limited and it's really made me consider getting a nanny. I don't like the idea of one person caring my children. I like them in a social environment where there are more eyes on them and they get the amazing benefit of school like structure and learning. Elle is so smart and I want the same for Harry but the first few years are so tough from an illness standpoint and it throws a wrench in the system when you have two working parents and no one around. It falls on you. Someone has to stay home.

I miss my Mom's voice...I miss her calmness and sweet natured caring loving person that she was. I was always the hyper-type A daughter.....I wish I was as laid back as she was. If she was around family and friends, she was happy. She was always laughing. So much time has gone by...it's so hard to believe I have been parent-less for almost 4 years. I still feel like everyday I am one second away from breaking down and running into a corner to cry my eyes out....I fight it everyday... I change stations on songs, turn off shows or movies that make me too sad and struggle listening to others at time. But no one would ever know it as I live a fairly normal life from the outside in...no one would ever know that beyond the great career, nice home, healthy-beautiful kids....that I have a lot of baggage - my brother, the lake, the death. But then again, many people have baggage and things that cause them pain. I can so relate to them and I wish I could tell them that we'll get through it. We'll keep going. Let's hold on to all of those good memories we have. No one can ever take them away and that we are one of the lucky ones who get to understand the importance of life earlier than most and raise our children even better because of it. Our devastation's bring strength and a feeling that if I can get through THIS then surely I can get through anything that is brought my way. But I worry about that statement. Yes, I am strong but I don't think I could handle anything else. I want to live the rest of my life without tragedy. I want to be here for my kids when they have kids. I don't ever want them to be lonely like me.

I miss you Mommy and Dad......and Mom would have became a Great AUNT today.....your niece (my flower girl!) welcomed a healthy baby girl Savanna Mae at Wyandotte hospital this morning....your Sister is ecstatic. I pray this is what their family needs to bring peace to their hearts. You were missed during this time so much.

And I am thinking of my girlfriends who recently welcomed beautiful children into the World...motherhood if the best gift ever.

all my love,
Melissa

our dora princess turns 3...

When we first found out we were having a girl, a sense of hope, relief and excitement came over us especially for me. I was so utterly heartbroken with my Parents death and was in search for something..I didn't know what. I knew there wouldn't be anything that could fill the void but more so take away some of the pain and shift the energy to a baby was helpful. Elle turned three years old today. I guess I really cannot believe it. So much time has passed, so many things I want to update my Parents on with me, the kids, how I'm juggling a career, a home, a new baby.....I really miss having my own family to care about us and to share our lives with. Elle has gotten so big and bright. She is definitely a Daddy's girl which really started when Harry was born. She has been a great big Sis...and she is getting quite the personality these days. She started dance last weekend which will be fun and she is totally into Dora the explorer right now. We are so proud of who she is just at a young 3 years old. She is sweet and caring and mindful of other's feelings. We have taken the approach of having a big birthday every other year...so this year it will be a small celebration....but filled with special memories nonetheless. She was greeted by pink pancakes this morning and gifts and treats made for school....she'll have her BFF over tonight for Pizza and ice cream and then another celebration this weekend when Ted's parents, my sister, aydan come into town. So many gifts and cards have arrived from Family...it is so nice to know Elle is thought of on her special day and loved by so many. Elle has been such a blessing to our Family and I need to appreciate more how lucky Ted and I are to have TWO healthy, beautiful children. I know everyone is not so lucky in this area. I have my days of such happiness - taking it all in - knowing how special these last few years have been but then there are days where I am just simply angry, sad, and totally bummed out about my Parents death. There is no separating their loss for me...I wish I could think of Elle's birthday as Elle's birthday but it's Elle's birthday less my Parents and knowing because she is 3 means they have almost been gone for 4 years......I wish I didn't think that way but I know for a fact anyone else tragically losing parents, a child, ties them together with the rest of their life's events. It's so hard not to as much I wish I could separate them....I miss my Dad so much. He was such a cool guy. I think of such silly things about him...we moved our dining room table into our kitchen to make it an eat in kitchen and more functional use of our space. This will thrill him. I miss sharing these little things with them. It's just so weird. I honestly think I will feel like this for the rest of my life. I will be fine, I know I will be....but in the back of my mind and deep in my heart I have deep sadness. Deep sadness for the way my Parents died and for what they are missing. They would be so proud and happy to see my beautiful children.

Miss Elle, you are such a princess! I love you more than you will ever know or understand and I am so proud of how you have adapted to "big sister" life.....you are smarter than we can even wrap our minds around....Daddy and I look forward to what this year of YOU being THREE will bring....some ballet, maybe soccer, travels to St John and back up to the lake, memories with family and visits with our friends.......I hope I can learn to slow down a little more, stress a little less and take in all of the wonderful things you are up to these days. I cherish those evenings when I get to put you down at night...you usually want Daddy. I hug you tightly, I smell your hair, tears roll down my eyes for more reasons than one. I learned earlier then expected about life.....and what matters...I think too much at times and for this I am sorry. I love you, Elle Patricia. Happy 3rd Birthday.

Happy new year

Christmas has come and gone...and a new year has begun...we had a nice time back in MI but I was there for too long. Christmas eve was wonderful as it always has been....Mass was better than ever- the kids really enjoyed it and were simply angels during the service. We sat upfront, Harry fell asleep to the Christmas carols, Charlotte stared at the stage at whatever was happening and Elle clapped her hands after each musical sitting on Gramma's lap. The food was wonderful, enjoying wine with our friends and family, grace where my Parents were remembered and waking up to so many generous gifts under the tree for everyone- I felt calm and happy, less sad then the last few years for once.....Chris then did a great job -considering the circumstances, (and size of her apartment) putting on Christmas day dinner. She is a true entertainer just like my Parents with a talent for baking like my Mom. As I looked around watching my Grandfather smile, my daughter running around chasing Aydan, Ted cutting the ham (like Dad would be doing), Chris slicing her cheesecake and passing it around, Aunt Kim tickling Harry probably as she used to do to us when we were little...I felt at peace. Maybe not for long but I thought to myself "we are doing okay". It will NEVER be the same but we've adjusted and continue to get together as a Family no matter what.

Elle was a bit overwhelmed with all of the gifts and Harry was sick the majority of break but still in great spirits...nonetheless I'm so appreciative for the time spent with our family and the generosity of Ted's family and our extended family who thought of us this Christmas season. After Christmas was over, Ted had to work in Cincinnati for a few days... I decided to stay in MI as opposed to packing the kids up only to return to spend New Years in MI. I was antsy....and looking for things to do, people to visit with, visit the kids and wound up disappointed. People are busy, they work....even my Sis had to run Aydan around to Soccer and Hockey tournaments....I am just realizing more and more that it's not home anymore (to me). People have their own lives are busy and my family has changed (working on NOT saying my Family is GONE, my family dynamic has changed.....I still have Family). I guess it's just hard to feel at home and to have that safe environment of your Parent's home where people come to gather, to visit, and to feel welcome at all times. I know I am welcome and loved at my in-laws home, Elle has her own room for peets sake but the sense of "home" has forever changed for me and the way I feel around the Holidays.

I am not sure what the New Year has in store for the Close Family. 2011 was damn good to us....Ted and I were both promoted, Ted in fact made a big career change, we vacationed to beautiful places (Ted even more so!!), and we had a beautiful, healthy Son! While there will still be challenges and struggles I battle with daily and the craziness of our lives now with two children, working full time- I am still proud where we are today. After everything our family has suffered, the courage and resiliency we've shown is admirable and I continue to be proud of how my Sister and I have handled my Parent's death. I look forward (with some tears) to singing Happy Birthday to Elle later this month as she turns the big 3 years old...I am truly amazed at how quickly time has flown by.

All my love and hope for another blessed year filled with less tears and sadness moving towards peace and hope for a brighter future....and making new memories and creating new traditions with friends and family and to never lose sight of our loved ones we miss so very much.

Melissa