heartbroken and blessed

Mom and Dad,

Harrison is just beautiful...this is once again so hard to experience without you here. It's an isolating feeling at a young age to be without my Parents during this time. There's no one to call to share every little detail about my Son and what he was up to for the day...sure, I have so many amazing friends and they are so generous and continue to send such thoughtful things- packages arrive daily and another dinner and wine was brought over tonight....and I have in-laws that care but they have their life and other children...we cannot always be the focus...But, I miss having someone calling me every day to check up on things. This continues to be a struggle and makes me angry my folks are gone....and during the day it's just me and the little guy. Ted's been working in an office lately and we send big sis to school. I know once I feel 100% I will be out and about, taking long walks, going to the park, meeting friends for lunch, and shopping...but until I am healed I know I will be around the house for the most part which is tough for a busy body like me. I did get out for lunch today with a friend and her little baby girl..it felt so nice to be out in beautiful weather with Harrison.

Fourth of July weekend will always be an emotional one. One of my parents favorite weekends at the lake and this year all of their Harrison, MI friends who all owned a place up there are gathering like old times at our old lake, "Cranberry lake". The area in Harrison where it all began...we all had small cute little cabins, pontoon boats and the beach we would all gather at on the weekends. It was such an event as I look back.....over 15 couples with their kids..everyone brought food to share....my Parents must have loved this. They had all of their friends and some of our family and us kids all together when in Harrison. My Parents were so much more relaxed up north...I wish I would have appreciated the place more as a child and even as I got older...I want Mom and Dad to know how thankful I am for this place. I hope after learning my Son's name....they know and feel it.

Well, I am thrilled though because Christina is going to take Aydan up there this weekend and I know its going to be hard for my Dad's brother and all of my parents friends to see them....It's an instant reminder that they're gone and I know everyone loves my Son's name yet I know its probably heartbreaking to some even if they never tell me so. It's heartbreaking for me too. I wish for my Sister and Aydan a memorable weekend yet I know it will be lonely. I know it will never be the same. I know you will miss Dad's french toast in the morning and that its a lot of work up there for us. I am sorry I cannot be there to help. Just try and take deep breathes and take in the amazing air up there....look up at the stars- they're so bright up there. Make a s'more for me...I am sorry it has to be this way. We miss you Mom and Dad.

Because we couldn't make it up to the lake this early after Harrison's arrival, our best friends are headed to Cincinnati for the weekend. Really looking forward to being with friends....they are like Family and candidly, we have more friends then family and we need to appreciate these friendships that we do have in our lives. Friends cannot replace Parents of course but you can share your children, joy, love, sadness and fun with your closest friends...

My heart aches of loneliness yet I am so grateful for the generosity that continues to shine through from others.....and absolutely grateful for these two beautiful, healthy children. I am so lucky and only wish my Mom, Dad, and brother were here to see Ted and I expanding our family and managing this new little life on our own now.... I am a good Mom because I had a good Mom....she showed nothing short of unconditional love, always.....I am not perfect though and I need to work on my patients. I am sort of like Dad in that respect...but I'm working on it. And in honor of Dad's birthday yesterday, I actually cooked! Hooray! I think Ted was stunned and I am sure my Parents were as well...

Love always,

Melissa

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Harrison is here

Our beautiful, healthy, big boy, arrived on June 14th weighing 8lbs 9 ounces and 21 inches long. It was a much tougher labor then with Elle and I am paying for it in recovery. I am going on day 8 and still sore as can be....but Harrison Jerome Close is thriving and wonderful and I feel SO blessed that he's healthy!!!!!

We were only in the hospital for 36 hours- the hospital was packed with June deliveries so frankly, as sore as I was, I was okay with getting out of there...and home to Elle. Ted's Mom was beyond helpful. Words cannot describe how much we appreciated her help with Elle and our home and taking care of things the first week of Harrison's arrival. My husband too was amazing with his cooking and helping with Elle so I could work on nursing and resting. I'm not going to lie, I had several bouts of tears openly...I would feel sad for Elle that her life has changed (even though I know it will be amazing one day for her to have a sibling!) and that life will get stressful once I go back to work but most of all it was the aching pain in my heart that I cried over.......I missed my Mom and Dad. I miss them so much and I felt so angry and sad that they cannot be here to meet their beautiful grandchildren. Ted and I both have laid back parents and they would have both been the most wonderful grandparents, we would have all been together at the hospital, they would have stayed together at the house while we were at the hospital. Both Cindy and my Mom would have stuck around to help us out....Dad didn't like to be away from Mom so he would have stayed too helping to cook and do stuff around the house. While we were so thankful Ted's Mom was here- I am so sad my Mommy has missed this. I know how proud they would be....Dad especially. He would be bragging to all of his family and friends. They so deserved to be proud of their children and to show off their grandchildren. The wish for their presence will always be here and during such significant moments in our life, they are magnified......It's going to be hard....I will have bad days....I will think of my parents every day as I am rocking Harrison or putting Elle to bed as we pray........I just gotta hope they can see us....that they are watching over us.......

We feel so blessed for all of the love and support we have received from gifts, flowers, dinner, cards, phone calls.....we have such great friends and family. Teddy and I have so much to be thankful for, we are still so, so lucky.

I was beyond thrilled that as busy as my Sister is....she took off after soccer tryouts this past Saturday to come down for a quick visit to meet her nephew. I needed someone from my Family to be here to meet him. I was so happy.

The name Harrison, named after the lake- a place my Family has been going to for over 32 years....reminds me of my Family but mainly my Dad (Jerome).....he's got to be up in heaven smiling with such excitement about the name. It's all for you Dad......I miss you and your memory lives on through my Son.......

We thank God, our parents, family and friends for your love and support as we welcomed Harrison to the World.....my heart still aches yet I am overjoyed with how beautiful and healthy my children are.....we love you Elle Patricia and Harrison Jerome! Two lives lost.... two beautiful lives gained......

All my love,

Mommy of 2

awaiting another arrival...

I have totally accepted that he's not ready to come out. Tomorrow is Aydan's birthday, my original due date....maybe my Dad is pulling some strings up there and wants his two grandsons born on the same day or maybe the little guy just isn't ready.....we seriously are shocked that I made it this long. We just assumed I would be early. We've keept busy with Miss Elle and I continue to think I have the house ready...and then another week goes by.... and now after almost a year of health, E has a nasty cough. Perfect timing. I worry about the daycare germs while the little guy is so young....

I was reminiscing this morning...thinking back to the year leading up to Elle's arrival. It was a tough year but with so much love and celebration awaiting for her to come....I looked back through my baby shower pictures and sighed.....it was such a beautiful occasion....to look ahead at the same people that were by my side to say goodbye to my Parents were helping welcome this miracle child-blessed from heaven to the world. I will never forget finding out I was having a girl. I so needed a girl that year- she was the greatest blessing anyone could ever have asked for after such a tremendous lost. We have been so lucky to call Elle our daughter.

I think about this pregnancy and these last 40 WEEKS....another good pregnancy, happier moments, still times of great sadness yet with so many friends and my sister-in-law being pregnant at the same time, I feel I have had more support and more people to share daily struggles and joys with on a daily basis. I am really looking forward to my maternity leave this time around. I "think" I am in a better place emotionally.....I sure hope so......of course I worry but I am ready to meet this little guy....our family is ready to expand and we are prepared to take on more responsibility and cannot wait to show our Son our little life we have made... and to share with him the people we have lost and loved and to introduce him to our incredible friends and family that continue to be on this journey of healing and life with us.

When is he coming, Mom and Dad??? I pray you are watching down.

Love you.

Melissa

better day

The day has turned around. I was so angry and sad leaving the doctors appt today after they told me I am still officially 39 weeks even though the due date I was given was June 8th....they say its still the 13th so another week or so of waiting. I was just feeling rushed and some pressure knowing my Sister in law is also due and I want her to have Ted's parents there yet knowing how badly we needed her for Elle and then Teddy needed to travel for work next week. Things will work out. This along with my parents death and many other things in life, I cannot control.....I can only hope for the best outcome and trust it will work out as hard as it may be. After some crying and blaming my parents death on why I felt rushed that this child needed to be here since I know if they were alive they could be here and I would feel so much more relaxed......I started receiving special little gifts.......first, a package from my Aunt (my Mom's sister) who is amazingly talented and makes the most beautiful things- she sent another two special blankets and some other fun goodies for the new arrival as well as presents for the big sis to be. After that, a playhouse arrived in our backyard for the big sis to be from her only Grandparents....this will be helpful and fun for Elle- she will love it and then, a special care package from a friend that lives in DC who has been a supportive friend throughout the highs and lows of a pregnancy.....she sent a book that has a ton of humor (I told her how depressing parentless parents was!), a CD with beautiful songs to sing to the baby that she enjoyed with her Son, Henry, and an adorable onsie......I also had newborn diapers left on my porch from a friend and my favorite bronzer arrived for free after I submitted a claim last week that it continued to break on me......it was interesting that all of this stuff arrived today to cheer me up. It was just a nice feeling to know despite of what I may still face and probably always will, I am SO loved (ok, maybe the brand cargo doesn't "love" me but they value me as a customer...haha). I know this. Of course I am. My parents had wonderful family and friends and now I have the same.......a mother's love can never be replaced, but today after sobbing for about an hour......I can start my evening with a smile knowing they are beaming with joy that I have this support during a time they wish they could be here.....while I know they would be heartbroken some of my Family still struggles and haven't reached out as much....I know they are sending down good thoughts that they need their time and that hopefully they will come around and give back our family some of that strength we always have had.

I cannot rush this baby boy anymore.....he is not ready to come out yet and I need to let happen, just happen. We will be okay and have great friends here in Cincinnati that love us and would help us out if we needed it. We will be just fine.....

where are you Mr???

Although my official due date is not until the 8th, I am incredibly antsy and impatient thinking he would already be here. I have been dilated for weeks and have felt very pregnant these last two weeks AND was a week early with Elle. I guess going "late" never even occurred to me so I always prepared as if he was coming early. Already got my manicure and pedicure (I need a new one at this point!), had my haircut last week and had my house and windows cleaned twice and now it totally needs to be cleaned again even with me cleaning constantly. I wish I could sit still....I clean and pick up constantly and Elle isn't even a child that gets into everything and she eats/snacks in her highchair most of the time so she keeps the house relatively clean most days....Gracie, the other hand, is the messy one. Her hair is everywhere and it drives me crazy. I vacuum it up daily. But, we love this dog. She is part of this Family as much as anyone of us....

I'm just getting a tad nervous about help. Ted and I are used to being on our own and have sort of accepted since my Parents death that we do only have one set of Grandparents and they won't/can't always be there for us but it makes the painful loss of my parents even worse as I know how excited they would be to help me out during a new child entering the world. I have faith that Ted's Mom will stay as long as she can but I know in my heart it won't be the same as having both her and my Mom here....they would love being together and seeing the baby. It would have been so natural.

Ted has to travel really soon after the baby is born and my Sister in law is due in a few weeks so I'm already planning on doing a lot of this on my own but it makes me sad.....Mom and Dad were retired....they would come down at any point and hang out. Dad would water the lawn, go grocery shopping and cook dinner and Mom would hold the baby and goof around with Elle. They would be in no rush to leave unless they also had to help Chris with Aydan but I could have them for as long as I needed.....and really, I would just want the company....I don't really need the help per say but it's always nice. I miss my Parents and these events make it all worse.....this time feels more sad if that's possible. I know how proud and excited and shocked MOM would be that I was on my second child. Miss business............boy have things changed.............

Elle is ready we think...she talks about baby brother a lot...she went from telling us she would hit him to wanting to buy him presents and share her toys. We will see...I am expecting an adjustment period in our household for the first month. I can't wait to meet this little guy.....to see that he is healthy...to hear him breathing to seeing what he looks like and how much he weighs.....and to tell him how much he is loved by our Family and how many angels he has up in heaven watching over him every single day. His room looks great.....simple and preppy...still awaiting the roman shades we had made with cool Kiwi green striped fabric- they should be in soon.....

I never felt uncomfortable with Elle during my first pregnancy...this time its much different with lots of aches and pains.....although I have gained less weight, my belly is double the size which causes some sleepless nights....and walking, wow, I feel like a 80 year smoker!

As I type this....Elle sits in her highchair eating a soy ice cream sandwich watching special agent oso quiet as can be....we took her to the market today, several walks, and let her play with the water hose.....we've been around the house this last month and while I am feeling a tad stir crazy, it has been nice quality time with my own family...this is big for me as I typically have to over book ourselves and have plans all of the time to keep my focus from negative/sad things....it's not easy but we continue to move forward yet its always on my mind. my parents. my brother. my aunt. my lake house that is sitting there alone. We have an ant problem. I panicked. Why can't my Uncle go over there? I know, it's hard......but Gramps did it......he hates it too. I hope Christina and Aydan can get up there a lot this Summer and Teddy and I cannot wait to take our kids up there and enjoy it later in July and again in August if everyone is doing well.

Hopefully next time I write I will have amazing news to share about another addition to our Family. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers on welcoming another healthy beautiful child to this world. We really are blessed to have been given this chance at a new life and that all we have been through has never stopped us from living our life. I am so proud no matter how much this is not what I ever imagined.

All of my love and hope for happiness,
Melissa