one of those weeks!

Another one of those weeks wishing I had a Mom. It's just so strange to not have her to call when things go wrong - I feel alone yet I am getting used to it. These are my kids and I have to care and love for them regardless if I don't have Mom and Dad to love them as much as we do and to care about every little detail - the milestones, the sicknesses, or frankly anything that either of the kids do that is funny (to us). Harry had a bad week...the poor kid, he is SUCH a sweetheart - he cannot catch a break these last few months. He continues to suffer from ear infections (he's undergoing ear tube surgery on Valentines day of all days) and this week he caught the nasty cough also known as "croup" which caused wheezing (strider) and it got pretty bad and caused some concern of his airways closing. We were overly cautious and I stayed overnight with him at Children's hospital to monitor him throughout the night. He did OK and was released the following day. Back up a minute....prior to leaving to take Harry to the hospital that evening - miss Elle who already had a bad day (she was bit by her friend) fell and cut above her eye open pretty badly. So....we all got in the car and headed to the ER as a Family. The Nurses and Doctors were so sweet and understanding and felt terrible both of kids were needing to be seen. Needless to say we were relieved when Ted's Mom arrived the next day. Not only is she an RN, she is always willing to help and we so appreciated her taking off work so she could watch over Harry for a few days so we could return to work. It's tough both working. I love my career and work for a great "family" company but the bottom line is - it's a business and regardless if they are flexible, the work has to get done. We are on our own here in Cincy and that's OK....we are adults, we can do this but at times I do wish we had more support around or near us. We have met incredible friends that we love dearly but our backup is limited and it's really made me consider getting a nanny. I don't like the idea of one person caring my children. I like them in a social environment where there are more eyes on them and they get the amazing benefit of school like structure and learning. Elle is so smart and I want the same for Harry but the first few years are so tough from an illness standpoint and it throws a wrench in the system when you have two working parents and no one around. It falls on you. Someone has to stay home.

I miss my Mom's voice...I miss her calmness and sweet natured caring loving person that she was. I was always the hyper-type A daughter.....I wish I was as laid back as she was. If she was around family and friends, she was happy. She was always laughing. So much time has gone by...it's so hard to believe I have been parent-less for almost 4 years. I still feel like everyday I am one second away from breaking down and running into a corner to cry my eyes out....I fight it everyday... I change stations on songs, turn off shows or movies that make me too sad and struggle listening to others at time. But no one would ever know it as I live a fairly normal life from the outside in...no one would ever know that beyond the great career, nice home, healthy-beautiful kids....that I have a lot of baggage - my brother, the lake, the death. But then again, many people have baggage and things that cause them pain. I can so relate to them and I wish I could tell them that we'll get through it. We'll keep going. Let's hold on to all of those good memories we have. No one can ever take them away and that we are one of the lucky ones who get to understand the importance of life earlier than most and raise our children even better because of it. Our devastation's bring strength and a feeling that if I can get through THIS then surely I can get through anything that is brought my way. But I worry about that statement. Yes, I am strong but I don't think I could handle anything else. I want to live the rest of my life without tragedy. I want to be here for my kids when they have kids. I don't ever want them to be lonely like me.

I miss you Mommy and Dad......and Mom would have became a Great AUNT today.....your niece (my flower girl!) welcomed a healthy baby girl Savanna Mae at Wyandotte hospital this morning....your Sister is ecstatic. I pray this is what their family needs to bring peace to their hearts. You were missed during this time so much.

And I am thinking of my girlfriends who recently welcomed beautiful children into the World...motherhood if the best gift ever.

all my love,
Melissa

our dora princess turns 3...

When we first found out we were having a girl, a sense of hope, relief and excitement came over us especially for me. I was so utterly heartbroken with my Parents death and was in search for something..I didn't know what. I knew there wouldn't be anything that could fill the void but more so take away some of the pain and shift the energy to a baby was helpful. Elle turned three years old today. I guess I really cannot believe it. So much time has passed, so many things I want to update my Parents on with me, the kids, how I'm juggling a career, a home, a new baby.....I really miss having my own family to care about us and to share our lives with. Elle has gotten so big and bright. She is definitely a Daddy's girl which really started when Harry was born. She has been a great big Sis...and she is getting quite the personality these days. She started dance last weekend which will be fun and she is totally into Dora the explorer right now. We are so proud of who she is just at a young 3 years old. She is sweet and caring and mindful of other's feelings. We have taken the approach of having a big birthday every other year...so this year it will be a small celebration....but filled with special memories nonetheless. She was greeted by pink pancakes this morning and gifts and treats made for school....she'll have her BFF over tonight for Pizza and ice cream and then another celebration this weekend when Ted's parents, my sister, aydan come into town. So many gifts and cards have arrived from Family...it is so nice to know Elle is thought of on her special day and loved by so many. Elle has been such a blessing to our Family and I need to appreciate more how lucky Ted and I are to have TWO healthy, beautiful children. I know everyone is not so lucky in this area. I have my days of such happiness - taking it all in - knowing how special these last few years have been but then there are days where I am just simply angry, sad, and totally bummed out about my Parents death. There is no separating their loss for me...I wish I could think of Elle's birthday as Elle's birthday but it's Elle's birthday less my Parents and knowing because she is 3 means they have almost been gone for 4 years......I wish I didn't think that way but I know for a fact anyone else tragically losing parents, a child, ties them together with the rest of their life's events. It's so hard not to as much I wish I could separate them....I miss my Dad so much. He was such a cool guy. I think of such silly things about him...we moved our dining room table into our kitchen to make it an eat in kitchen and more functional use of our space. This will thrill him. I miss sharing these little things with them. It's just so weird. I honestly think I will feel like this for the rest of my life. I will be fine, I know I will be....but in the back of my mind and deep in my heart I have deep sadness. Deep sadness for the way my Parents died and for what they are missing. They would be so proud and happy to see my beautiful children.

Miss Elle, you are such a princess! I love you more than you will ever know or understand and I am so proud of how you have adapted to "big sister" life.....you are smarter than we can even wrap our minds around....Daddy and I look forward to what this year of YOU being THREE will bring....some ballet, maybe soccer, travels to St John and back up to the lake, memories with family and visits with our friends.......I hope I can learn to slow down a little more, stress a little less and take in all of the wonderful things you are up to these days. I cherish those evenings when I get to put you down at night...you usually want Daddy. I hug you tightly, I smell your hair, tears roll down my eyes for more reasons than one. I learned earlier then expected about life.....and what matters...I think too much at times and for this I am sorry. I love you, Elle Patricia. Happy 3rd Birthday.

Happy new year

Christmas has come and gone...and a new year has begun...we had a nice time back in MI but I was there for too long. Christmas eve was wonderful as it always has been....Mass was better than ever- the kids really enjoyed it and were simply angels during the service. We sat upfront, Harry fell asleep to the Christmas carols, Charlotte stared at the stage at whatever was happening and Elle clapped her hands after each musical sitting on Gramma's lap. The food was wonderful, enjoying wine with our friends and family, grace where my Parents were remembered and waking up to so many generous gifts under the tree for everyone- I felt calm and happy, less sad then the last few years for once.....Chris then did a great job -considering the circumstances, (and size of her apartment) putting on Christmas day dinner. She is a true entertainer just like my Parents with a talent for baking like my Mom. As I looked around watching my Grandfather smile, my daughter running around chasing Aydan, Ted cutting the ham (like Dad would be doing), Chris slicing her cheesecake and passing it around, Aunt Kim tickling Harry probably as she used to do to us when we were little...I felt at peace. Maybe not for long but I thought to myself "we are doing okay". It will NEVER be the same but we've adjusted and continue to get together as a Family no matter what.

Elle was a bit overwhelmed with all of the gifts and Harry was sick the majority of break but still in great spirits...nonetheless I'm so appreciative for the time spent with our family and the generosity of Ted's family and our extended family who thought of us this Christmas season. After Christmas was over, Ted had to work in Cincinnati for a few days... I decided to stay in MI as opposed to packing the kids up only to return to spend New Years in MI. I was antsy....and looking for things to do, people to visit with, visit the kids and wound up disappointed. People are busy, they work....even my Sis had to run Aydan around to Soccer and Hockey tournaments....I am just realizing more and more that it's not home anymore (to me). People have their own lives are busy and my family has changed (working on NOT saying my Family is GONE, my family dynamic has changed.....I still have Family). I guess it's just hard to feel at home and to have that safe environment of your Parent's home where people come to gather, to visit, and to feel welcome at all times. I know I am welcome and loved at my in-laws home, Elle has her own room for peets sake but the sense of "home" has forever changed for me and the way I feel around the Holidays.

I am not sure what the New Year has in store for the Close Family. 2011 was damn good to us....Ted and I were both promoted, Ted in fact made a big career change, we vacationed to beautiful places (Ted even more so!!), and we had a beautiful, healthy Son! While there will still be challenges and struggles I battle with daily and the craziness of our lives now with two children, working full time- I am still proud where we are today. After everything our family has suffered, the courage and resiliency we've shown is admirable and I continue to be proud of how my Sister and I have handled my Parent's death. I look forward (with some tears) to singing Happy Birthday to Elle later this month as she turns the big 3 years old...I am truly amazed at how quickly time has flown by.

All my love and hope for another blessed year filled with less tears and sadness moving towards peace and hope for a brighter future....and making new memories and creating new traditions with friends and family and to never lose sight of our loved ones we miss so very much.

Melissa