me--best in class?

Thanksgiving turned out okay. I was of course sad, and quieter then normal but all in all it was a good time spent back at home seeing friends and family. I really loved seeing everyone.

Me, Grandpa Olszowy and cousin Jess and Christina with Mom's famous chocolate cheesecake. "she nailed it!"

Normally I would never want a Holiday to end but this year I am just happy I made it through and now I am saying to myself, one more Holiday and then it's the New Year...only a month to go.... It's sad that I am looking forward to the Holidays to end before they even come. I absolutely hate feeling this way since I love Christmas time so very much.

It's stressful now trying to figure out how to see all of my Family and coordinate the Christmas dinner. My Aunt Kim was sweet enough to host Christmas day this year but my Sister works at the hospital, we have to see Grandpa, we have Christmas Eve at the Close's, Chris and Aydan will be at Matt's.......I sometimes wish we lived back in MI so we could throw a huge Christmas celebration with ALL of our family and everyone would come, and it would be really special. For the past 5 years, we've put our tree up for three weeks and lugged all of our presents home to be spent in MI. We'll continue to do that even when the little one comes as I would never spend Christmas alone with just our little Family. Life is too short and I want to see all of my Family and Friends during this important time. I sure hope she's a good traveler! But I do hope one day we can host a big old fashioned Christmas like I had at Grandpa Griener's house growing up. Grandpa would be the only one allowed to pass the gifts to everyone from under the tree. We'd all sit in the living room, together as a family....Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, parents, Grandparents...it was perfect.

I did have one unexpected surprise over the Holiday weekend that I know made my parents proud. At SC Johnson, the most prestigious honor in Sales is the "best in class award" and I was recognized this year and given this award! I am most proud of this because of the year I've had. The fact that everything happened in April and I was able to come back, meet my business objectives and close the Fiscal year in June makes me happy. It wasn't easy to focus when I came back but I kept plugging along as best as I knew how...all for Mom and Dad. The hard work and dedication paid off and it's a good feeling being recognized. More so, then any promotion or salary increase that I have ever received. Thank you- Mom and Dad for giving me the courage to keep going and succeeding at work.

I only wish I had you to call to share the news with. When one succeeds, the best feeling is telling your parents.

heading back home

After work today-Ted, Gracie and I will make the 4 hour drive back to Michigan to spend the Thanksgiving weekend at home. Luckily, I have plans almost every day to keep myself busy. My goal this Thanksgiving is to spend it with as many family and friends as possible. I know it will be hard and sad without my Mom and Dad, so keeping myself busy and surrounded by good people are what I plan to do.

Tomorrow we have a fun dinner night out planned with a group of 11 of us. Our friends from New Jersey-Mel and Nick, my Sister and Matt, Ted's brother and Wife and other friends too. What used to be the biggest "bar night" has turned into, for me at least, just a night to go to a fun dinner. With MI still allowing smoke in the bars, I really can't go out.
Thursday, I get to start my Thanksgiving at my Dad's most favorite niece in the world, okay his only niece, my cousin Jessica's house. My Grandpa Olszowy will be there along with Aunt and Uncle from Atlanta. I'm excited to switch things up a bit this year and make a few stops.
After a few hours there, we will head back to the Close's for dinner to spend the remainder of the evening with Ted's family. After my Sister spends dinner with Matt's family, they will bring Aydan to the Close's. Christina is in charge of dessert from now on since she mastered my Mom's homemade cheesecake.
Friday, I put together a dinner with 8 of my girlfriends at a fun fondue restaurant, Melting Pot and we have plans to see the new Reese Witherspoon Holiday movie after that.

Although it will be so strange to not see or talk to them, I am hopeful they are looking down on us and continue to say "keep smiling" and "you can do this". It's hard though....I just want things to be normal again.
I got the sweetest card and email from two of my girlfriends this week. The card was about peace and recognizing the fact the Holidays won't be easy for me and the email was about how my parents won't be there physically but she was positive they would be in spirit and they will be looking down smiling. I sure hope that is true as all I can picture is my Mom looking down with tears and saying, "I want to be there too". But if heaven is everything everyone says and believes it is, then there is no sadness...only tears of happiness and I cannot wait for the day that I can trust that and have 100% faith that I will see them again.

You will be severely missed on Thanksgiving by all of your family and friends Mommy and Dad. Please say an extra prayer for Justin during this difficult time. I can't imagine he can find really anything to be thankful for right now.....and although I am so angry, it also makes me really, really sad for him.

Love always,
Melissa

a normal weekend

After many, many busy weekends we finally had one back in Cincinnati and did just "normal things". Normal things that any married couple would do- not just a married couple who has had a tremendous amount on their plate since the death of their parents.

Friday, we had my two week checkup appointment and everything was perfectly "normal". We met a group of 8 of our friends out for a fun dinner on Friday in Hyde Park Square and even came back to my house for dessert (greaters ice cream, of course), Saturday I went shopping while Ted raked 10 bags of leaves (hey, I shouldn't be doing all that bending anyhow..) and then joined another couple for dinner on Saturday for Mexican and fried ice cream (can you tell I am little obsessed with ice-cream??), rented a movie and had another productive day on Sunday.

Sunday I headed back to Pottery Barn kids (third time this weekend) to get finally the "correct" curtain rod with all the parts and stopped off at Gap maternity to give maternity pants ONE more try (to date, I've opted for dresses and skirts) but with this weekend being in the 30's, my legs were quite cold. So I took Ted's advice when he said, "go buy yourself a nice pair of pants". Any woman would be stupid to not go shopping when your husband is telling you to. After shopping I worked on my baby shower scrapbook and was served homemade chili and cornbread by my husband. And now I await for the ice cream sandwiches he made- with mint chocolate chip cookies- to be done in the freezer. (see, three days in a row for ice cream...but I swear I don't have any pregnancy cravings!)

Like I said, this was a pretty normal weekend before the upcoming busy Holiday weekend. It was nice to be home, sleeping in my own bed, shopping at my own mall, working a little on the baby room and not have to spend the weekend driving anywhere. You need these weekends once in a while. But that doesn't mean I am not really excited to have a short week this upcoming week and to see our family for Thanksgiving on Thursday. Thanksgiving day won't be "normal" for my Sister and I or the rest of my close Family, but I think during grace everyone will think to themselves how thankful we all were to have my Mom and Dad in their lives and how thankful we all are to be here, still living....a pretty normal life......

That is all I would say to my friends and family, if they're listening....be really thankful this year at Thanksgiving. I would do anything in the world to have my Dad carve the turkey this year, have my Mom walk in all smiles holding her famous pumpkin cheesecake and greet them with big, long hugs. So really hug them tight this year you guys......I honestly would never let go if I had a second chance.

I'll miss them even more (if that's possible) then usual over the next two months. During this time of year, I would always talk to my Mom and Dad a lot... yes-more then twice a day..where are we spending the Holidays, are you coming to the Close's for Thanksgiving, when are you headed up north? We'd talk about my wish list and the gift exchange Mom was always in charge of, or her kickoff of her baking season...and we'd talk about how many cheesecakes she would make this year....or how she was always done Christmas shopping by Thanksgiving. I will so miss those conversations....

Missing you on this normal Sunday evening without you in our lives.......we are looking forward to tomorrow as our crib and changing table arrive and are being assembled. The princess room will finally be coming together. I wish you could see it, it really is going to be adorable.

I'm still thankful...

With Thanksgiving approaching, I cannot help but think of the things I am still thankful for. Moving forward, to live just another day is worth being thankful for as any one of us could be gone tomorrow. It's scary to think that way but it's actually so, so true. I know for a fact Mom and Dad did not have the slightest clue that April 7th would be their last day on Earth. However, if they did know I think they would have spent it just as they did.
Of course as I think of what I am thankful for, I get incredibly sad and angry for the things that have happened this year and you struggle to sit back and say yes, but I still have so much. ...

Because what was lost was big, so tremendous, so sad, incredibly tragic- while everyone gathers around the Turkey this year with their families- I will be sitting down and realizing that my immediate family is no longer together. It's just my Sister and I now, trying to make our way-take our spots, in other families as we celebrate the Holidays without our parents and brother.

I am most thankful for the Parents I had for 28 years. Wow- was I lucky. They were one of a kind.
I am most thankful for my Sister and my nephew Aydan, their safety and happiness is one of my highest priorities.
I am most thankful for my husband and dog Gracie, who remain the rock in my life.
I am most thankful for the Friends I have in my life, they are the best. There is no doubt in my mind that every girl needs her girlfriends.
I am most thankful for my husband's parents, they treat me like a daughter of their own.
I am most thankful for my health (mentally and physically) during this pregnancy after such an emotionally tragic event. (for this I am positive my Mom and Dad are watching down on me)
I am most thankful that I will soon have a little girl to love, although the fear of sadness I will face to not be able to introduce her to Mom and Dad is scary. But I will remain thankful that they gave me this gift two months after they died on June 7th, 2008 when two pink lines appeared.
I am most thankful for my two still living Grandfathers, for they are the closest thing to my Mom and Dad; they raised my parents and I am thankful to still be able to be with them and have our daughter meet them.
I am most thankful for all of my extended family members; their love, support, friendship and strength they have shown is admirable and I know moving forward, we will continue to be a very close knit family.
I am most thankful for my job, my beautiful house and my financial stability I have given the state of the economy. We are lucky and proud of our hard work.

So yes, even after one suffers one of the greatest tragedies imaginable they can still find something to be thankful for. But often times the weight of what has happened and the fact that during the Holidays my brother will be locked up in a jail cell with the uncertainty of where he will be come January and with tremendous guilt, sadness and loneliness he feels--carries on your shoulders so heavily, you find it difficult to be thankful for anything.

This year I may not be able to speak out loud as we go around the table as we did last year, which was my idea, and say what we are most thankful for... so I thought I would tell everyone in my life right now. I am thankful for each and every one of you and although I am dreading the Holidays without Mom and Dad around, I feel lucky to have all that I have still after losing so much.

I am thankful Mom and Dad that last year at the Close's house we sat around the table, enjoying the Turkey that Dad helped carve and had a great time among two special families. It was so important to Ted and I for us to both be with our parents and we are both forever thankful for your involvement in our lives.

Thank you for letting me feel thankful during such a difficult time.

Love always,
Your daughter

goodbye for the Winter~

I have such mixed emotions about the lake now Mom and Dad. I did fine this weekend but just being there I felt like I was carrying a ton of bricks on my back the entire time. I almost felt like I was walking around like a zombie as I continue to come to the realization that you're gone. But you'd never know it if you were up there with me, I am really able to be strong just as I know you'd want me to be.

Sure I laughed and had a fantastic time with Grandpa, your siblings, Christina, Aydan, Matt and Josh but you not being there was honestly noticed each and every second. First your voices and laughter did not carry throughout the house, the fire from the night before was not picked up by 6am just like Dad would do, I didn't wake up to the smell of coffee and cinnamon french toast and we had to run the dinner on Saturday....we all pitched in and made a huge fake thanksgiving feast and it was just surreal doing it without you there. Christina even made your cheesecake Mom, my favorite-pumpkin. She of course got the baking gene and even mastered your crust!

It sure isn't fun.....just like I said in my last post, no one was ready for you to leave this quick. We weren't ready to run the lake house or shut it down or host dinners without you. And we weren't ready to learn how to make your cheesecake. Not for many more years.

But being together with our family was just what I wanted and we'll continue to do this no matter how difficult it is for each and everyone of us. We still have each other...

Thank you to my husband, Josh, Matt and yes, even my nephew for helping close down my parents place. I know Dad was looking down and saying, "way to go boys"..... "oh and good choice on the Hawaiian shirts too--you shouldn't have"

heading to the lake

This weekend- Ted, myself, Christina, Matt, Aydan, and our friend Josh will head to Harrison, MI to close up my parents place for the Winter.

This has never been done before since my parents used it all year round but with the snow and not having anyone to plow us out, not to mention cost savings with not keeping it heated all Winter long, we thought it would be best to shut it down. My Uncle who lives the property over will move to FL for the Winter this year and is also closing his place down so it only makes sense.
I'm excited to get up there this weekend as we are planning a big fake thanksgiving dinner on Saturday. My Grandpa will be there along with my Aunt Linda and Uncle Stan and Aunt Kim and the kids are also driving up. We're all pitching in and making a ton of food, just as my parents loved to do. If only they could be there to join us. They loved anything that involved a lot of food and family.

The guys have a lot to do this weekend; pulling the boat out, cleaning up the property, organizing the basement and garage and all the entails shutting down a place for the Winter. But I am positive we will also have some time for fun.

Many families leave their loved ones behind a second home to share and pass on to other generations, but for me....it's not the same. My parents left so sudden, much too young, way too tragic for me to walk into the lake house and think of it as a house that was left to us. I could see if they were in their 70' s or 80's but to leave their favorite place at the young age of 50 when they never got to live up there full time (dad always said he was moving up there, but we all know he would have never done that while his Father was still alive). Sure, I'll be sad this weekend and walk in and see all of their stuff and picture them greeting us with food, drinks and hugs, but I will do my best to enjoy the time I have with the people that are coming together this weekend. My family. The family that I have left. I'm so thankful that everyone continues to make an effort to be around each other as we grieve. That is what I love about my Family. It's not difficult at all to get everyone together. All it took was an email or a phone call....now we'll have a dinner for 12 on Saturday.

Give us the strength to enjoy this place just as you did. The sadness we feel is missing how much fun you were. Mom was always the one rushing to her room to get her quarters for her favorite card game 31, Dad was always cooking and making sure everyone had a cocktail and I just wish i would have went up north so much more over the past 10 years (although I still went up there quite a bit seeing as we have lived out of State for the past 6 years) but at least I can say from being born to at least 15..I was up there every weekend with them and those memories will never fade away. And Labor Day 2007 will always remain the last time I spent the weekend up-north with them alive and I will be forever grateful for that last boat ride, that last S'more, and that last fire...shared with them.

We miss you

My Mommy, hubby and Aunt Diann (Cincinnati, November 2007)

Last year exactly around this time, my parents came down for the weekend to celebrate Thanksgiving early at our house with my Aunt Diann and Uncle Randy from Atlanta.

It was such a fun and memorable weekend. Aunt Diann and Uncle Randy arrived with a bunch of wine, we all walked up to Hyde Park Square for dinner, we played cards and laughed. The next day was the fake thanksgiving dinner prepared by Dad. He cooked everything from the Turkey to the Cranberries and the stuffing. Mom made a new version of her homemade cheesecake, called the "Harvest cheesecake". My Aunt Diann and I raved about this creation. Here she was cutting up the apples for her masterpiece and below her and Aunt Diann..enjoying it.

My Dad, Ted and Uncle Randy checked out a Bengals game. My Dad, who was a true tailgater made Bloody Mary's for the game and even went shopping with Ted for an actual bangles t-shirt. Shocking for a life long Lion's fan.

Aunt Diann, Mom and I bought dinner and started making it before they arrived. I will never forget Dad walking in and he was stressed "we" were in the kitchen! He said we were doing everything wrong....even though my Aunt happens to be a very good cook. He finished up the Salmon on the grill and we got out of his way. I so miss that about my Dad. He loved being in the kitchen, serving others and was always the last to eat. I hope my Dad knows how much I appreciated his cooking all of these years. From the days of being a child when he would cut up my food, butter our bread and pass my brother, Sister and I our plates (as if we couldn't do anything on our own) to staying at our house in Cincinnati and coming home after work to him cooking dinner in my kitchen. I loved that and will cherish it forever.

It's so hard to believe that last year around this time everything was normal. Mom and Dad were retired at the young age of 50, they gathered in Cincinnati with family for a long weekend of fun, we talked about real thanksgiving and how we would all spend it at the Close's house. Who would have known when Dad said to me after I couldn't get the stain out that he made on my fall tablecloth, "it will remind you of me when I'm gone one day and you'll cry" that I would be "crying so soon". I thought it would be 30-40 years later from when he said that.

Missing you both and I pray you help me get through Thanksgiving without you. But I do know one thing and that is-I am "thankful" I had you as parents and have the memories to cherish such as these, but I have to admit, it almost makes it harder...

"showered" with friendship

This weekend I was very lucky to have another baby celebration to attend in honor of baby Close to be. My neighbor and friend-Jess, my friend-Ashley and co-worker and friend Lindsey put together the cutest little gathering. Mom Close and I walked into my girlfriend's condo and were served hot apple cider and shown to a beatifully created buffet of homemade appetizers and food. All of the girls brought the baby amazing books and wrote little notes in each one. We received more adorable clothes, gift cards and fun things to get us prepared for this arrival. Ted's Mom was just suppose to be there to enjoy herself and for support and she of course brought more adorable clothes for the baby and even the mom to be some maternity clothes, since clothing these days are quite sparce.

We played a few games, opened gifts, took a few picures and then came time for my most favorite part. DESSERT. There is this bakery in Cincinnati that I have grown to love called the Bonbonerie. I will get all of my daughters cakes at this bakery for as long as we are living here. It was so fabulousy yummy and in spirit of my love for all things pumpkin, the cake was just my style:

I am so appreciative of my friends generosity and friendship during this very special time in my life.

As we were leaving all of us got to take home adorable "pink" coffee mugs home filled with a homemade hot chocolate mix. The details were just too cute.

So after yet another wonderful baby celebration, I couldn't help myself feel a little sad. I had the most incredible weekend with Ted's Mom- she helped me prepare for the baby by washing and folding all of her clothes, made a trip to babies r us, went to a nice dinner, got manicures and cleaned out our basement and then to end the weekend with such a fun little party, but then I sat in the babies room and read all of the cards and sayings people wrote in the books and I said once again, Mom and Dad are missing all of this. She would want to be here too with Mom Close and I. I miss her so much and I want her to witness the amazing people that have surrounded me for the past 7 months and continue to walk this journey with me. I wanted her to see these beatiful details and hardwork my friends and family have put into these two amazingly special baby close to be celebrations.

But I have to hope that Mom and Dad are here and that they are guiding me and are enjoying these special moments, just in a different view. God's view.

Thank you to all, you have made this pregnancy so wonderful...

every girl needs a Tiffanys

Some may recall me talking about my birthday last year and sharing pictures of me opening my favorite blue box from my Mother. A pair of earrings from Tiffany's. A girls most favorite gift.

Ever since she gave them to me for my 28th birthday, I wore them almost everyday. Especially after she passed, they became even more special as they would now resemble the very last birthday gift my Mother and Father ever gave me. So, you could say...they are pretty special.

Yesterday I was having sort of an emotional day. I really missed my parents, some days are much more intense then others but I just missed them as I was shopping at the mall, hearings glimpses of Christmas music and watching all of the smiling faces pass me by. When I came home with a bag full of things, I noticed Gracie had knocked down my jewelry that was on my dresser (I usually have everything in a jewelry box that my friend Ali got me- but I was lazy and left everything out). I mean everything....my wedding ring, Dad's ring, Mom's ring and "the earrings". I quickly picked everything up and noticed one of earrings were missing. I panicked searching everywhere but was pretty certain Gracie had swallowed one of them.

After talking with the Vet, we were going to wait to see if it would pass. As of this morning it did not so I continued to question if she really swallowed it. I couldn't handle the suspense anymore and after consulting with my Mother-in-law, Sister and Mel- I decided to take her in for x-rays. They know me by heart there so they were not surprised when I called for an ASAP appointment. $200 later, Doctor Schmogrow walked in the room and held up the x-rays only to see one Tiffany earring glaring at me!!! The Doc was a little nervous that the post would puncture something but at this point the only thing we could was wait for it to pass. If nothing, come back on Monday and possibly surgery would have to take place.

So I prayed....and a few others prayed and Grace and I took a little nap. After we woke up, I took her to the bathroom. I went and got my gloves and to my surprise, THERE IT WAS! We didn't think it would happen that fast as in the x-ray it still had some mileage to go before making it to the colon. Sorry for the details....but I ran inside with a very disgusting looking earring and was giving Gracie all of the treats in the world. Good girl I yelled!!! She was looking at me, like what did I do?

So now my when Mother-in-law arrives, we can actually go to a nice dinner after we wash some of the baby clothes instead of worrying so much about Gracie.

Thanks, Mom and Dad. You've got me through another day...

lucky girl

Mom,


During a time when I always imagined you would be right by my side, a phone call a way, you are somewhere far, far, away and I'm missing you very much.

I miss your voice, smile and love for being with family. I miss how fun you were and miss your love for pictures. I miss you most during times like this, when Ted is traveling and I would normally just call you a few times a day, for no reason at all.

How sad and cheated I feel that I now have to go through life without a Mother-when our relationship was wonderful and fun and everything I could ask for, yet I also feel like a lucky girl that I had the relationship we had. I feel even more sad for you Mom-that you didn't get to live the rest of your life. You spent most of your life being a Mom and raising three children, now was time to really enjoy life.... But luckily, you had been enjoying it the entire time. When I think of the fun you and Dad had or the weekends you both would just head up north to get away or all of the times spent with us wherever we lived, I feel happy we have those memories. But they also leaving me wanting more, many more....but there's none left. I got 28 years with you and your time was up.

On Sunday I will attend my second baby shower thrown by my very sweet neighbor, friend and co-worker. How thoughtful for them to do this given the large shower I had in MI two weeks ago. I'm really looking forward to it and feel like such a lucky girl to have so many wonderful people in my life to make me feel special during this important time in my life.

You'd really be amazed Mom, you really would be.

Missing my Mommy everyday and I love you too Dad.

Your daughter

me-courageous?

One of my best friends called me courageous through a letter she wrote to me and that thought has been on my mind ever since reading it. I certainly never thought of myself as courageous but when I do sit back and think of what I have lost and experienced and are still going through, the fact that I have not lost it (yet), is pretty courageous I suppose. But there are days when I feel so angry, jealous, and alone that I feel the furthest thing from courageous. There is not a moment that goes by that I don't play in my head what happened on April 7th or the fact that my brother is still not placed or sentenced and that being the executor of their estate- I still have so much to do. And I often forget I am doing all of this, while being pregnant. I definitely think God, or great genes from Mom gave me a great pregnancy so I could handle everything that still is coming my way.

How else would I handle this? No one knows how they would handle this situation if it occurred in their family. No one in their right mind would ever prepare themselves for such a thing, I certainly never would have imagined this- in a million years.
I am proud of how my Sister and I and other family members are handling this. Tragedies often have a very negative impact on the individuals effected, they turn to drinking, drugs, and often go into a deep depression. Trust me, I fight the depression every day because you can talk yourself into one, but I'm doing my very best to stay out of that dark hole. I stay out of that hole for my parents, my Sister, my Aydan, my husband, my Gracie, my friends and family and my little girl to be. I also am blessed my work ethic has not been effected. (sure I have my days when I question why people are complaining about something so small compared to the bigger life issues and I'm guilty of this too) but they have been amazing and that is what has gotten me to the point that when I wake up, I actually really look forward to going to work. I couldn't have handled this as best as I have without a supportive group of co-workers. I think that is why I felt so comfortable going back to work so soon after everything happened. I needed to go back because I would have been of no help to my Sister with Mom and Dad's house. I couldn't have done it.

So while I would never think of myself as courageous, I guess when I really think of how I'm doing despite the sadness and constant missing my parents, I am proud of myself and I am proud of my family. We sure are hanging in there aren't we?

I know you are keeping us strong Mom and Dad. We need it, especially during the Holiday Season when every one's spirits are up and gathering with their families and we feel like the only people in the world wanting them to end...

The cemetary

I've made several trips to the cemetery since Mom and Dad have been gone, but the hardest trip was the one made on Sunday before heading back to Cincinnati. The grave marker had been put into the ground many, many weeks ago but I kept putting it off to go see it. I certainly do not need their grave to remember or even think of them as they are on my mind 24-7 and I do not anticipate that changing anytime soon. Although a baby will bring so much joy to our lives, I worry about the sadness I will feel not being able to share that experience with my Mom and Dad. I got to see how they were with a grandchild through 5 years with Aydan. And being the oldest, my Mom couldn't wait until I would one day have kids.



Going to the cemetery when the site was just grass wasn't as bad as I had imagined. I'd bring flowers and say a prayer but reality never hit me. The reality came when I saw my parents names, dates and the words-loving parents. If there would have been room, we would have listed so many other things...loving grandparents, loving sister, loving brother, loving son, loving daughter, loving friend, loving cousin...to sum up someones memory in a few words can never be done especially two individuals like Mom and Dad.



My Aunt Kim met me at the cemetery and we cried together as we starred down at their names. What happened this year? Could this really be true? My Mother and Father, and your big Sister and Brother-n-law who were everything to you and I are gone? How can this be? By my own brother, who loved them just as much? You just stop, look around, take a deep breath and wonder how the heck you ever got from there to here. And you just hope one day you can find peace, accept what happen and know they are in a wonderful place. But when the tears are falling fast and you still find yourself in disbelief, you wonder if you will ever get there....


A place of rest, certainly not the end I hope and pray........

I apologize if putting the above picture on my blog saddens any of my family but with many of you living out of State, I wanted to share this with you. My Mother took Aydan to Grandma's grave last year on Mother's day and she actually took a picture of Aydan by the grave so I know Mom wouldn't mind. I love you all and thank you for all you to do to honor my parents memory. I hope I can continue making all of you and especially my parents above- proud of the person I was, the person I am now and the mother that I will become.

With love,

Melissa

my weekend

I wish I could write that we are now free of my parents house, but we are not. I rushed back on Friday morning after a long travel back from Seattle only to find that the title company couldn't get everything pulled together. So I will now do power of attorney so I do not have to be at the closing, which is probably better anyway. No offense, I really was not looking forward to meeting the new owners. A retired couple moving into my childhood home of 28 years. They will never have the memories like my brother, sister and I had there with our parents.

Friday, Matt and Christina brought Aydan over to the Close's all dressed up as a transformer. He always went to Mom and Dad's house and went around their neighborhood for the past 5 years so we wanted to make sure he still had fun. It definitely wasn't the same but any 5 year old that comes home with a bag filled with candy is ultimately a happy person for that given moment.

Saturday I found myself at the mall wandering around in search for maternity clothes. The Christmas decorations are going up and many families were out and about shopping. I was miserable. I would look at a Mom and Daughter as they were shopping and just feel tremendous sadness. Mom should be here too, she loved to shop. She would always make time to shop around with me. As a matter of fact, right around this time every year she was almost done with her Christmas Shopping. Talk about a woman prepared for the Holidays.
From Thanksgiving through New Years has always been my most favorite time of the year. The biggest stress would be what I was going to buy for my Mom, Dad and brother. My Sister is always the easiest. Now, the three of them are gone and I cannot even begin to think of preparing myself for the Holidays or listening to my favorite Christmas songs, or sitting down to write all of my Christmas cards out...these are all things I love to do. All I keep thinking is, Mom, Dad and Justin should be here too. And yes, I understand my parents would want me to be happy but I think the hardest part is, if they could be sad in heaven, I know they would be sad for my Sister and I. My Mother would never want us to go through this and would want to share the Holidays with her family. They were not ready to leave at the age of 50 and it pulls at my heart every single day.

But I will do my best to incorporate new traditions into my Holidays. Last Thanksgiving my parents came to the Close's, this year we will be with Ted's family but I am also going to spend some of the evening at my cousin Jessica's house. My Dad's Sister Aunt Diann and Uncle Randy from Atlanta will be there as well as my Dad's brother Uncle Stan and Aunt Linda.
Last Thanksgiving we were all getting ready to eat at the Close's and I had suggested we all go around the table and say what we are most thankful for. I don't quite remember what my Dad said, but I can hear my Mother's words so clearly, "I am thankful that our two families were together". I don't know what I would say this year. Sure I am thankful for so many things in life but I am also hurting because of so many things in life. But I have a feeling I would be thankful for the gift my parents gave me and that is the little girl that continues to grow as she prepares to enter this World.

Saturday we ended the day by taking Mom and Dad Close to a nice dinner at a pretty special place. The place where we got engaged and where we sent my Mom and Dad for dinner on their 25th anniversary, Cafe Cortina. We wanted to show our appreciation for putting on such an amazing shower and for the continued support they provide to us as we take on parenthood. The food was delicious and the sip of red Pinot Noir that I tried was really yummy.

Before I head back to Cincinnati this morning, I will stop at the cemetery. My parents grave marker has been put into the ground. It was much easier to go when it was just grass. Seeing their names and the dates they were born and died will be difficult. I never thought this young I would be doing this....visiting both of their grave sites together.

I will get through it....