oh no the big 3-0

"Oh no the big 3-0" my Mother's cake read as she turned 30. I remember her 30th birthday distinctly. How funny, as Elle will certainly not remember mine! She's only 6 months old!

My Mom had on red and white stripped shorts and a red short sleeved top. Her party was thrown at our neighbors house and I remember her holding up the big cake decorated Red, with those very words on there. Birthdays were always a big deal growing up and what's cool is we always celebrated big for the milestone birthdays of my parents. I will be forever happy my Mother's last birthday spent was big and that we threw my Dad the surprise of his life with his 50th birthday party.

I have mixed emotions about approaching my 30th birthday next week. I am exactly where I thought I would be at this age in most aspects of my life- married, a beautiful daughter, a really nice home in an area we love, a great career that has awesome opportunities waiting ahead but at the same time, I thought at 30 I'd still have a family. I'd share this milestone with my Parents. It would be a big deal.

I look back at my 30 years of living thus far.... I have stayed right on track when I look at the path I have taken. I have experienced so much. I had a great/normal childhood with basic family ups and downs, I was very close with my Parents, Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles and loved having them all local as I grew up, I went away to College, formed wonderful lifelong friendships, met my husband at a Fraternity party, he asked my Dad for permission to marry me at our College graduation, I had a beautiful wedding with all of the details that I had imagined--I danced the night away, danced with my Dad to his favorite song, welcomed my nephew to the World, lived Downtown Chicago with one of my best friends, moved to Boston right after our wedding and started our new life together, purchased our first home without any help, experienced life on the East Coast, took a wonderful family cruise with my parents and other Family members, went on some beautifully extravagant vacations-Maui, Caneel Bay, Pebble Beach-CA, Cabo San Lucas--I've ate the most wonderful foods, stayed at some of the nicest resorts and walked the sands of some beautiful beaches-I am very fortunate for the places I have been thus far. And the best is yet to come.......then our careers brought us to Cincinnati, Oh which I have to say was one of the best decisions we ever made. It brought us closer to our family which at the time I didn't realize how important that would one day be. I thankfully spent the last 2 years my parents were alive close by them.

So looking back,everything else in my life but the death of my parents has gone right on track. I have stayed the course and I am proud of my accomplishments.

But through every single wonderful childhood memory I have and the amazing adventures I have been on as an adult- I think back to the worst day of my life in my 30 years. The day I walked in to find my two parents lying in a casket. But what pulls me up slightly and perhaps makes the weight I carry on my shoulders a little less heavy was hearing the three most beautiful words I have ever heard, "It's a girl". That was music to my ears and truly a blessing from my Angels above. I got my girl.

While the void will never be replaced, the pain and sadness will never go away, I am confident that my next 30 years will be joyful because of that little girl. I'm not saying it won't be difficult and that I won't continue to have bad days where the sadness sometimes just overcomes everything..but I am proud of where I am at in my life. I have succeeded in many ways and I think for once I can confidently say that. My Dad's little track star grew up and has become much bigger then just the fastest girl on the team. He was so proud of me back then. I only hope I can continue to honor their lives through how I live my life. So like I said, I have mixed emotions about entering my 30's.....I miss my family and any milestone I reach will be difficult to not have my Mom and Dad to share in the celebration. At almost 30 years of age I have almost everything I had ever hoped for or imagined of except for experiencing a tragedy that would test my strength so deep and change my perspective on life, forever. That was not in my life plan.

In my next 30 years I simply want to continue just being a better person. Doing everything I am doing now but better. Be a better Wife, Mother, Sister, Friend, and be the Daughter my parents raised; loving, strong and sometimes even funny.

Thank you for paving the way, thank you for all that I was given and taught and thank you for bringing me into this scary, wonderful, sometimes sad, amazing World almost 30 years ago. Your oldest daughter is officially getting "old".

All my love,

Melissa

We ate, drank and our friends got married...

Tonight we find ourselves exhausted but we had a wonderful time with our friends this weekend. Going home is always tough for me but it was really nice to have fun with longtime friends of ours. All of the girls I went to College with attended the 2nd wedding of the weekend and we had a great time. 

Above are just a few snapshots from Scott's rehearsal dinner, Scott and Jess after they got married at the war Memorial, Megan walking down the aisle and my WMU girls....

Congrats to our friends......wishing them all a lifetime of happiness.  My parents taught me to have "fun" with your significant other and your love will last for eternity. 

"Some people come into our lives, leave footprints in our hearts and we are never, ever the same".......my favorite saying. My Mommy chose it for me and it was our saying on all of our wedding favors. It is so true.....and I still have the piece of paper where she hand wrote this poem suggesting to me I use it. 

eat, drink and be married...

Heading back to MI tomorrow after work as we have a rehearsal dinner and 2 weddings from Thursday-Saturday. I'm excited that this time we are heading back, we have something planned for every night. I like being busy when in Michigan. Less time to think about how I won't be driving down to Allen Park for a visit at my home with my Parents. This time I don't think I will have to time to visit my Gramps and as bad as I feel about that, I don't want to drive through Allen Park this weekend. Not this time. Not this weekend. 

Wow how life has changed so quickly. I know longer go home. I go to Michigan. We are however, very lucky to have Ted's parents home. I do my best to allow myself to enjoy the time spent and knowing that this is my only family now, I'll need to accept that one day.  But it's not easy. I miss my family too. 

Ted's Mom will have the house stocked for Elle to make it easy on the packing, she has her own nursery and closet filled with clothes, diapers and all of the baby necessities. We're very appreciative of the help. Matt and my Sister get to play house on Friday and babysit Miss Elle while we and Ted's parents attend a very good friend's wedding. Not only did we go to college with him, Teddy has played hockey with him since the 6th grade. He stood up in our wedding..6 long years ago.....

Saturday, I will reunite with my college girlfriends at one my friends weddings. We'll drink, dance and catch up, oh and celebrate the wedding of course. I haven't seen a lot of them since my baby shower last October. We'll also get to see our best pals who now live in New Jersey. This is by far the longest stretch of time we have gone without seeing them. They've only met Elle when she was first born. It's hard living away from your good friends and even more so when you start having a Family. 

The sadness is always there but I'm hopeful for a busy, fun weekend.....getting dressed up, having cocktails on a veranda smiling at the newlyweds, while catching up with my girlfriends and talking about babies, work, and life in general. 

Let's eat, drink and be married. 

xo, 

Melissa

Elle's first bite of food

At 6 months old today, Elle took her first bite of "solid" food. Captured on video, of course. 

We've entered a whole new stage today and let the messiness begin..........

A beautiful weekend in Cincinnati...70 degrees and Sunny. Awesome weather for July. Hyde Park has a really cool Farmers market every Sunday and Elle and I enjoyed picking out fresh bread, pasta and vegetables.  We're on the road for the next upcoming weekends so it was great to be home in our town and see our friends and hang out on our patio and porch. It's so nice out today that I think we're going to go on our 2nd walk of the day. 

As I was walking back from the Farmers market, drinking my iced latte and eating my freshly baked biscotti, I couldn't help but wish my Mom was walking along with me. I had passed many families, and or young Mom's and their babies walking along picking out fresh peaches with their Mom. I miss my Mom. 

Elle beats up a crab

Although I refer to the "crab" as a lobster in the video, it is indeed a crab and Elle beats Mr. crabby up with her "keys" in the video.....she actually "plays" now. How fun. 

Elle Patricia will be 6 months old on Sunday! So hard to believe a 1/2 of a year has gone by.....really...has it?? Mother's do not lie when they say, "they grow so fast, enjoy every minute" and we really, really have. She is such a joy and such a good baby. We are lucky. I remember very vividly my Mother saying how much she loved the baby years for all three of us kids. I would say to her, "were you nuts having three babies so close together?!!"  It was a lot of work I suspect, but I also imagine we all brought her so much joy.

I'm glad I got pregnant when I did or else I think we probably would have waited another few years to even try and now I am happy to be a "younger" Mom. One of the last days I saw my Mom was at the Close's home for Easter, she said to me, "when are you going to have babies? you're going to be soooo old". I would never tell her. Even though I knew I would one day have a child, I never even gave her a hint. She probably thought I would never have them the way I acted. It was all a front Mother....I knew how badly you loved kids and wanted to see me as a Mom. I hope you see me now.  And I couldn't be happier that we had our Elle. She truly came for a reason and at the right time, she came to rescue me. Talk about pressure.

You would just love her Mom and Dad.......

Gramps on his 90th birthday

Dad, 

Your Father turned 90 years old a little over a week ago. It still was very difficult and strange that you were not there. I have learned, and it has been reinforced this week with a young girl dying, no child should ever die before their parents. It's just not right or fair. I wish it wasn't allowed to even happen. I'm so happy, even after a tiring weekend, Ted, Elle and I were able to give Grampa a birthday hug over the 4th of July. I only wish you would have lived to see your 90th birthday. Mom too. What would you and Mom be like in your 90's? All I will ever know or remember is you being young, fun, happy, social and flexible. I will never experience the aging parents. We miss you every minute. I miss having a Dad......so much. 

frozen yogurt

A co-worker asked me,"do you want to walk over to the frozen yogurt place?" "Heck yeah" I gleefully responded, but also glanced at my parents pics as I walked out of my office..........ugh, the last day....

So I love this frozen yogurt place that is walking distance from my downtown office. It's only open from April-September and my favorite part about going in addition to the Frozen treat with sprinkles, is when I first walk out of our office building. We all stop- look up and let the sun hit our face. We all comment how nice it is.....we take our time to walk across the street and over a block to soak up as much sun as possible and to enjoy these few minutes we have... away from the computer. Problem is, the day my parents were killed and when everything was happening, I was getting my frozen yogurt. It was a beautiful sunny April day. I was literally skipping with my co-workers as we headed over there. I remember distinctly thinking what a nice day it was. It was so sunny and warm for an early April day.

I remember returning to my desk, took my last bite of my frozen yogurt, threw the bowl in the trash, started an email and boom.........received the worst call of my life from my Sister.

I still love going to this place, but I have to say, the first time I was asked to go the Summer after they died, it was really difficult. But no one knows this is difficult for me. I go along smiling , trying to be positive and adding to the conversation. But it is really hard. I try to never be a complainer at work. Every day I think about my parents and what they went through and all of the sadness and heartbreak that I carry, but I still try and leave it at the front door before I walk in. I do that because that's who I am but also because I witness the exact opposite at times. Some bring their troubles with them and it does effect everyone's moods and I want to be there for those people if they need help. However, my only hope is that people would sometimes be sensitive. Is that really something to complain about in the grand scheme of things?  But, me included, we all complain when in reality it's nothing compared to what others may be faced with. Gosh after you've been threw something so horrific, someone else's bad day doesn't seem all that bad anymore. Is that just terrible? I have always had empathy for others and I still do. I see myself as someone who can put myself in someone else's shoes. I get that from my Mother, but I am struggling in this department lately. Advice? So my parents would probably agree wearing a shirt that says, "c'mon is your day really that bad?" somewhat inappropriate. Agreed.

A co-worker and I were chatting about our babies and talking about Elle's ER visit. But she reminded me, after visiting the Children's hospital in Cincinnati, how lucky we truly are. There are some sick babies out there. Really sick and when I heard some of the stories, I myself almost felt stupid for complaining about my scare. Elle is fine now of course. But in that moment of time, I was scared and I guess in everyone's own world, they define what a bad day is to them. Just always know, someone else in this world is having a more challenging day then you. Maybe that will make us all think twice before complaining to others. I don't know......maybe I've got it all wrong. But something bothered me today and I had to get it out.........And I was thinking of the families that are burying their children this week from the train crash. In talking with my Aunt who is struggling right now with the loss of her niece, it has been such a painful week and it hits too close to home for my Aunt and my cousins. It takes everyone back to April of last year. No one needed another loss. I have prayed for all of the families each and every night of this week. I really feel for them. It's a news story for most. To me, it's a pain, sadness and shock that I can really relate to. And unfortunately this story has stuck with me since I have first heard about it. My Sister and Matt went to the viewing today to support my Aunt and cousins, but also to support Jessica Sadler's family. Jessica, just at 14 years old, was there for us and came to my parents viewing. It brings it all back so fresh like it happened yesterday. The day I was whistling through life, enjoying my Frozen yogurt.

Missing you every day,
Melissa

french cookbook

This weekend, other than thinking of my Aunt, her kids, and all of the families that were effected by the death of 5 teens, was rather nice and relaxing.

We haven't been home in over 6 weekends.... so dinner with friends, wine at my neighbors house, walks with Elle through the Hyde Park Farmers market, chocolate chip pancakes in the morning cooked by my husband, and watering my lawn...made me finally feel at home again and a chance to enjoy this great little area we live in. It's hard to believe we have lived here for 3 years. Hyde Park, an area within Cincinnati, has really grown on me. And it's amazing to me that we are already growing out of this house. It will be hard to move, whenever that will be.

My Dad hung up every shelf or art/pictures in the home. Even my "hotel" sign in the guest bedroom. He always hung up things a little too high. They were always perfectly straight. He never needed a level, but he always went too high. It will be hard to one day say goodbye to this home as my parents knew this place. They spent time here. I will be heartbroken to not be able to share a new place with them.

I am getting super excited for our trip to Paris and Ireland. More so Paris as we get to spend time with two of our great friends who have relocated there for work. To be able visit a beautiful place AND see your friends who will know everything about the City will be incredible. Ted's throwing me a "french" inspired 30th birthday party in August and he had been searching for French recipes. I found the perfect cookbook today at Williams Sonoma and this cookbook makes me happy! I cannot wait to serve some of these fun things and wash it all down with a sip of Veuve Clicquot Champagne! (we actually have plans to visit the Champagne region while in France). This book also shares some of the best bakeries in town and best places to eat. I cannot wait to go to the local market and have a picnic... all while looking at the Eiffel tower. It almost seems like a dream. A trip of a lifetime it will be. I just wish I had Mom and Dad back here to listen for hours on the phone when I returned to hear all about it. It's strange to not have the people who would listen the longest around anymore. I'd tell them every detail. And they would listen.........it'd be Dad's topic at the local pub, "look what my daughter got for me in Paris".......

Pray for the Sadler Family

My Aunt Kim, once again, had to receive tragic news. This time from her ex-husband, who she remains very close with, called and told her that their niece, Jessica along with 4 other kids, were killed in train crash and crushed in their car yesterday. Jessica was only 14 years old and was very close with my Aunt Kim's kids, my cousins. My cousin Brittney is devastated--Jessica was her best friend.

I'm praying for my Aunt and her kids as I know they are reliving the nightmare of their Aunt Patty and Uncle Jerome's death. Kim rushed to the families home yesterday. Media was everywhere. My Aunt is now pictured all over the Detroit news website consoling the Family.
I am sad for the entire Sadler family yet extremely frustrated. She was just 14 years old and driving in a car with older boys. This is just devastating. 14 years old. She was just a baby.

Jessica and her parents attended my parents funeral. And I've met their family a few times at my cousins birthdays.

For those that live in the Detroit area, I am sure you are hearing about this tragedy on the local news. This family needs support and prayers. I know they are in shock right now. The numbness wears off in a few days. They need neighbors to bring over Food, they need someone to mow their lawn. Ugh, I so hate this for that Family.

I'm sorry Aunt Kim, we had such a wonderful time at the lake with the Family. I know this will be a tough weekend ahead for you and the kids. We love you!

Ladybugs= fabulous Mommies

So the kickoff gathering for my "Mom's club" began tonight and I have to say, it was a success. However it went off the exact opposite as I had thought it would. I often forget we are now Mommies and we cannot always plan our evenings out. It's really up to the little ones. They ultimately set the pace for the event.

I had little "ladybug" cookies set out (in honor of our group name), lemonade for the Mom's that had to drive, Red and White vino for those walking from across the street, and snacks for people to munch on. I pictured the first 30 minutes with us girls and babies in tow eating and drinking and introducing the girls that did not know each other. I either knew everyone through work, a business association, or neighbors... so I wanted to make sure those that didn't know each other at least had a formal introduction. I planned for the second part of the hour moving from the kitchen to the the "parlor room" sitting with our kids (in the chairs I had placed so perfectly in a circle so we could all see each other when talking), going around talking about various topics and then eventually I'd grab a book from Elle's bookcase and someone would volunteer to read...... So I'm guessing you can already picture what happened.

None of the above happened. Duh, we have babies! 

The first Mom arrived and her little guy had to eat, he's 7 months old and on solids. It was so cute to watch this cutie suck down with a smiling face, a full jar of sweet potatoes. That was followed by another Mommy mixing her formula for her little one month year old that was ready to eat. And, neither of them were in my kitchen or parlor room, they were in the living room which I hadn't really set up and made very "baby friendly". But, like Mom's do, they plopped their stuff down and made it work. (but, they're not sitting in my strategically placed chairs! Hey there's cheese and crackers in the kitchen! C'mon Strawberries and dip anyone?!) 

Next Mommy arrives, without kiddies in tow. She has two beautiful girls at home but Mommy needed a break and a glass of wine. Last Mommy arrives (which by the way, looks fabulous) with her 6 1/2 month year old, Elle knows this little guy quite well as she spent 3 weeks with him once I went back to work and before Ted's Mom came down. He has grown so much. She could only stay for about an hour as his bedtime is close to 7:30pm. (yes, we asked how she did this. we took notes)

It was amazing to me stepping back and seeing us all as "working Mothers", all trying to do the best we can for our babies, and to hear through different conversations, as we tried to scarf down a little taste of Ted's homemade guacamole in between feeding or tending to our little ones, what works best for us. Whether it's putting your bottles in the dishwasher (controversial topic #1), solids/formula/breastmilk..how much, too much, not enough and sleep--what time? too early? too late?--we are all doing the best we can. I loved surrounding myself with these women. I admire them all for different reasons. I am confident we can learn from each other. Yeah, we may all do things differently and have slightly different beliefs, but what I am learning pretty early on, that there is no "perfect way" to care for your baby or to raise a child. You have to trust  your Motherly instinct but nothing beats sitting in a room filled with Mothers and picking their brain and getting advice on your particular challenges. Almost always, someone has went through the same thing and can give you their perspective. 

I don't have my Mom here on earth any longer. She continues to guide me I'm sure of and has instilled so many things within me that allow me to carry on her spirit and way of living, but to not have that person to call 24-7 is hard. Knowing I will have a support group such as this is comforting. I hope each and every one of us learned something new today. But at the very least, I hope they know none of us are alone and we're always here to help! 

Much love, 

Ladybug Mommy

too young to leave

Wow, Michael Jackson was laid to rest today. I can't say I was a huge fan of the man, but I definitely enjoyed and loved his music throughout my life thus far. He was an icon and throughout the globe, people are grieving. I feel for his children and while they are much younger, I know the pain that entire family is experiencing right now. It's really unexplainable but it really will not hit them for a few more weeks.  I felt for his little daughter who spoke very briefly and said what a great Dad he was and how much she loved him. I just wanted to hug her. Just like people wanted to hug my Sister and I as we made our way back to our seats, passing by the two caskets, after I gave the eulogy for my Mom and Dad. Poor kids, I feel for them. Everyone needs and deserves parents. 

No matter what type of loss it is, losing someone sucks but when they die suddenly or tragically, it's just that much worse. It seems as though his death may have been self inflicted if in fact he was on all of these drugs/medications. He was my Mom and Dad's age. 50 years old is way too young to die regardless if you're the largest pop icon in the World or two wonderful middle class high school sweethearts who loved to have fun and loved their family and cherished their friendships. 50 is just too young. 

Even when celebrities die, I relate everything back to my nightmare. It's sort of impossible not to. Hearing the 911 call from Jackson's home on the news, which I rarely watch.... but we were in FL when this happened, made me think of the 911 call my brother had to make. I never did listen to it but I do know most of what he said. "I killed my parents" was his first words, little did he know my Mother was still alive, well for an hour anyway.....that will forever remain the hardest part for me. Although that "dream" did help, I need to continue believing it. 

 Justin was not Justin that day and he took away the two most important people to both him and my Sister and I. But on that day, he believed something so far from reality. I think of Justin often, my brother. I think of what he is doing and how he is feeling but mostly about him one day getting out. Some days I forget my brother did such a thing and I only miss my Mom and Dad but then other days it will hit me, wow...my brother is also gone, for now at least. 

My family and I were looking through my Mom's family albums up at the lake this weekend. We came across many pictures of Justin. He was adorable and just like us. It's hard to see those pictures of him as an innocent child being held by my Mom or Dad, in a sports team photo or all dressed up at Halloween. It's hard to believe it ended this way.

On to little Miss Elle......she has had a rough two weeks, but she continues to smile. Poor thing is finally getting over her ear infection.....

I want my healthy Elle Bell back that I had for 5 full months......it's hard to believe she is almost 1/2 of a year old! (would planning her 1st birthday party yet be a little too soon and outrageous? I think not. ) 

I have formed a Mom's club and I am hosting my very first gathering this Thursday at my house. "ladybugs" is the club name and while our group is rather small, we are all working Mother's with a lot of questions. I look forward to having another avenue of support. Up until Elle got sick, we were soooo laid back. I didn't do a lick of research (just emailed friends and family with a few questions here and there) and just went with the flow. Now I have been forced to research fevers, ear infections, diarrhea, diaper rash, dehydration.........and solids come in a few weeks...........get the video camera ready for that. Oh the video camera......my Mom borrowed ours for the 1st year of Aydan's life, their video camera retired after 15 years of taping us kids. I've watched some of the video a few months after my Mom died. She was so sweet..videotaping Aydan's every move all the way up to his 1st birthday. Aydan already remembers everything about his Gramma and Papa, but I can only imagine how special he will think these videos are one day. To know how much my Mom and Dad loved him. But it saddens me greatly, he deserved a life filled with unconditional love from Grandparents. That really bums me out and I get increasingly bummed knowing Elle will never really know them, of course she will through me but she will never truly know them or understand fully..........I'll do my best and god knows we have the pictures and memories and they are living through all of us. We'll do our best to keep their spirit and traditions alive, we have to. 

home

After over 7 hours of driving today, we are home.....I am so excited to sleep in my own bed tonight. And I think Elle would agree. 

4th of July was spent at my parents lake and although I loved seeing all of my family members, pretty much my Mom's entire family, we are exhausted. The lake house is work. For 27 years of my life it was 100% enjoyment, now I know why....Mom and Dad did all of the work and we were just there to enjoy ourselves. When it was time to leave, we just left. Boy, has that changed. We are now second home owners and everything that comes along with it. I never wanted a second home this early on in life. I still thought I had many more years of just enjoying it. I so appreciate, now more then ever, my parents for putting on these amazing weekends for so many years. They never complained, they just loved being together with family and friends. I seriously think my Dad was "magic" as my Uncle Jimmy put it.  

I felt as if I could never sit down. There was always something to be cleaned, cooked, washed or put away. Not to mention doing it all with a 5 month year old, who still hadn't fully recovered yet.  

Ted and Matt worked outside for hours, put the motor on the boat only to take a few spins around the lake. The weather was absolutely perfect though. It was clear and sunny the entire weekend. 

My Grandpa loved having most of children and grandchildren/great grandchildren at the lake. It was so much fun showing my cousin Tracy and her husband "up-north", with living in Texas, they have heard so much about this place but had yet to experience it. 

Not only did we have perfect weather, perfect food and perfect company, Ted and I got a perfect surprise. One of our best friends-Josh came up on Saturday and made a surprise entrance. We enjoyed his company and we're very thankful to have spent 4th of July with him. He normally is at the Bay in Canada with his entire Family. We got him this year! 

Before heading back to Cincinnati, we did have to make one final stop. Wyandotte, MI. My Aunt and Uncle threw Grandpa O a 90th birthday party. He was on the porch, in a wheelchair, very peacefully smiling. "Happy Birthday Grandpa, I so wish your Son, my Dad was here to witness this. You have lived a wonderful life. Stay here, as long as you can. We love you. "

All my love, 

Melissa

sparkler time

I remember 4th of July very clearly last year. It was a tough one at the lake, but we made the best of it. 4th of July was their favorite time up there and in the past, my Dad's Father would travel up there, to celebrate his birthday. My Mom would always bake him a cake.

This year we are all heading up north and this time, my Mom's Sister (my Aunt) and my cousin and her husband are coming from Texas. My Mom's Dad (Grandpa G.) is hosting a dinner tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to being with my Mom's entire family. All of her siblings and my cousins. But it's difficult, she would love this. She would love the fact that everyone was "up-north", my Dad would have loved to entertain them (he was one of the best entertainers!).

Not only will we see my Mom's entire family this weekend, we'll also head back to Wyandotte to my Dad's Fathers home, as he turns 90 on Sunday. My Dad's family will all be there. All of his siblings.
We feel so blessed to be able to celebrate this day with him. At 90 years of age, life is a gift. At this point, we can truly celebrate his life. So hard to believe he will have lived over 40 years longer then my Parents did. That's tough to swallow.

Looking forward to a weekend of fireworks, s'mores, Aunt Lisa's homemade strawberry pies, my Sisters guacamole, Grandpa taking us out on his new boat, having my Mom's entire family over to our place to celebrate 4th of July. And Elle's first 4th of July. I'd like her to get used to big 4th of July celebrations at the lake....with our family....

You will be missed and thought of the entire weekend........

Happy 4th of July everyone, hope you spend it with friends and family.

Much love,
Melissa

Gray hair

Now I understand what my Dad meant when he would say that us kids were responsible for his gray hair and empty wallet.

With Elle's ER visit and follow up appointments, and with our high maintenance English Bulldog, I need a separate "medical" budget in addition to 401k, savings, etc, etc. And I will eventually be getting my hair highlighted to cover the gray I am certain to have one day.

This week we have been so focused on getting Elle better so we can take her to my parents lake in Northern Michigan to be with Family, that we just realized Gracie was acting strange. Our nerves are pretty much shot at this point as we thought she was going to have another one of her "episodes" last night. She slept in the guest bedroom with Gramma but we were awoken by them as Grace was up and not sleeping. We generally will rush her to the ER Vet in past situations, but with spending so much money on her lately and with the baby, we tried to hold out until the morning so she could see her regular Vet. She made it through and was taken in this morning. Her tail, because it's this strange corkscrew tail, is infected again and needed to be put on antibiotics and steroids and eventually it will most likely be amputated. I am telling you, if you know anyone wanting to get an English Bulldog tell them no. I say that because not many people are willing to spend the time and money these Dogs truly need to maintain their health and well being. I feel sad for those Dogs, we love this breed. We even talked our best pals into getting one and they too have spent a great deal of money on their Bully. We love Grace and we'd honestly spend any amount of money on her to keep her alive and well but with having a daughter now, it's frustrating to keep dropping the dollars on these consistent incidents.... Oh well, apparently that's why Ted and I both work...........

While children and dogs are life's most precious gifts and I feel very blessed to have both of them, I agree with my Dad, they give you gray hair and leave you with an empty wallet. But all of it's worth it. If I die a broke and gray haired woman, I will feel good that we had a fun, fulfilled life and did everything we could to keep our family happy and healthy. It's hard for me to write a "fulfilled" life at this point... as I feel right now it would be very difficult for me to be completely fulfilled with living with this tremendous void and having my brother in a facility. This will forever be a part of my life and I continue to work at it each and every day on how to still "live" with the pain but continue to have joy in all other aspects of my life. Of course I deserve it. My family and friends deserve it. Even my Dog deserves it. They need me to have joy. And I know my parents would want that for me. But it's hard, I just want them here and there's nothing I can do to change that.

I do have to laugh as I look at the picture that sits on my desk of my Dad and I. He had a beautiful full head of "gray" hair. And I distinctly remember when my Mom would tease him about having all that gray, he would say, "it's not gray, it's blonde.....now leave me alone".