wish they were here

Elle goes off to school on Monday, wow has time flown by. OK, so I am not sending her on the bus to kindergarten or anything but she is in fact going to baby school. Fine, call it daycare but I do expect her to learn something during the day but for now I will just be pleased to know there  are people there to keep her safe and happy. I know no one will ever take care of her like we would or family members, but I hope this place is a good fit for Elle. She did so well with Gramma Close and I have to come to the realization that no care will be like a Grandmother's care. 

This weekend was pretty much the only weekend that I will be home until mid July. We have several weekend events coming up from a baby shower in Chicago (my first night away from Elle!), Aydan's 6th birthday party, vacation in the Keys and 4th of July at the lake. So needless to say, we had quite a bit to do around the house but there's always time for fun. Friday night, we spent the evening at our friends home. They made a yummy dinner, and I brought dessert--homemade chocolate honey almond torte. It's becoming a specialty of mine. I've always wanted a "specialty" and everyone seems to like this one. In fact, I'm making another one for Elle's teachers to take tomorrow. Hey, I have to butter up to these ladies just a little bit........they have my precious cargo for 8 hours each day! 

Saturday Elle and I took our 3 mile walk through Ault Park, it was such a beautiful day. Everyone was out with their strollers. Later that evening Ted and I took Elle and walked up to the square for dinner outside. Ted's Mom got us an anniversary dinner at one of our favorite restaurants so we had a bottle of wine and some yummy food all while Elle quietly napped until we got through with our wine, meals and dessert......after dinner we got the wonderful news that our neighbors delivered a healthy baby boy. Elle has a new buddy on the block and I cannot wait to have a stroller partner. They're great people and I'm so happy for them. It brought back memories when our neighbor called with the good news. Ted rushed over to let their dog out and we asked if there was anything we could do. I remember those first few days. They are overwhelming. 

Today I spent much of the day getting Elle ready for her 1st day of school. Everything, I mean everything, has to be labeled with her first and last name. Of course, the expensive labels I had ordered didn't arrive yet- so now I will be forced to write her name on everything with a permanent marker. Ugly and not fun. 

I miss my Mom and Dad. I do every day, every hour in fact but every time I take a long walk with just Elle and I, I cannot help but think how sad this really is. They were the parents that would have been involved. Yeah I understand, many people had children without their parents involvement or help, but I had the parents that would have been there.  And it saddens to me to know end knowing how much my Mother would give to be here right now. Dad too. He would have been bragging to all of his friends about his pretty little granddaughter.  You're so very missed. 

I look forward to learning more from this grief counselor. Will I always feel this tremendous void in my life? Will I always have tremendous loneliness even though I have so many wonderful people in my life who love my family and I? What I do know is I will always imagine what life would have been had they still been here. I don't think that will ever go away.  They were so young and I am positive they would have made it to at least Elle's college graduation, probably even her wedding. Ugh, just thinking of those events make me sad. They would have been so proud. I'll be thinking then like I do now, "I wish Mom and Dad were here to see this".  And I wish they didn't die the way they did. It's so frustrating. But we still find away to continue moving forward.....as painful as it is, we are living and enjoying life like we have been shown to do, as best as we possibly can. 

In my daughters eyes

Little me as a little one...and Elle....in the pics above.

Our photographer for Elle's newborn pictures put all of the images on a DVD to music. It was really quite touching and the song they chose was well, let's say, perfect. The song is one I have liked for many years but now it's really very fitting for me when I read through the lyrics. Not only do they mention that she was sent to rescue me and it's hanging on when your heart has had enough but mainly the words at the end of the song are what I relate to the most. When I'm gone I hope you see how happy she made me, for I'll be there in my daughers eyes. I think of my Mom when I hear those words. I know how happy I made my own Mom (I hope) and I know when family looks at me, they also see my Mom through my eyes. I just wish her and I talked about it more, how happy I made her even through the challenging teenage years. I really dedicate this song to both Elle and my Mom. The lyrics are so real and true to me.

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero

I am strong and wise and I know no fear

But the truth is plain to see

She was sent to rescue me

I see who I wanna be In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal

Darkness turns to light and theworld is at peace

This miracle God gave to me gives me strength when I am weak

I find reason to believe.... In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger

Oh it puts a smile in my heart

Everything becomes a little clearer I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough

It's giving more when you feel like giving up

I've seen the light It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future

A reflection of who I am and what will be

Though she'll grow and someday leave

Maybe raise a family

When I'm gone I hope you see how happy she made me

For I'll be there....In my daughter's eyes

Half Moon Lake....priceless..

Snacks, drinks and charcoal for the grill--$98.00

Gas to get to the lake-$38.00

A new pontoon motor--$3,000

Taking my daughter on her very first boat ride and the very first time it has left the dock since my parents passed away--Priceless 

Money certainly can not buy everything but this weekend it allowed us to set the pontoon boat sailing across Half Moon Lake with a brand new motor. My Dad was the only one that could get the old motor to run so we had to make a family decision. Either mess with it each and every time we get up there crossing our fingers that it would actually start OR stimulate the Harrison economy and buy a new motor and enjoy the boat right when we get up there and have it for many years to come. Yeah, I liked that option too but I was torn. I was torn because I knew my Dad would never have bought a brand new motor. He was good at fixing things and making old things brand new again. 

Oh how they're missed everyday but how up north is just so different without them. We're kids still. Kids trying to run the property and entertain like they used to. I have such a strong appreciation for how they used to pull these weekends off with family and friends. Everything was always just done. The grill was always hot, appetizers were always out, everyone had a cold one in hand, chairs were always placed by the bonfire and deck, the porch was swept, bathrooms clean, beds made, bottles in the garage, firewood chopped.......it was just done. They were magic. They made it look so easy. I now know true entertaining is a gift. 

We did our best. My girlfriend and daughter experienced Half Moon lake for the first time and I think they both really enjoyed it. My heart ached seeing Elle up there. I know how much you would have loved to be there.  Family came over for dinner and we ate S'mores and drank Margaritas. It was a great weekend but it's also work now. I used to just go up there and "enjoy" myself. I feel bad for never truly recognizing everything that had to be done before leaving on Sunday. We're doing our best. We hope you're proud. We miss you so much. Your legacy of entertaining family and friends is instilled in our hearts forever.......you taught us all we know! 

All my love, 

Melissa

where I grew up

This weekend I will take Elle to the town of Harrison for the very first time. Harrison, MI is where I spent all of my Summers, Winters, heck- almost every weekend as a baby, child and kid. We had the cutest little cabin. My parents would stuff this place with as many people as possible. We only had 2 bedrooms, yet they would just keep inviting people. Although the cabin was small, it had this beautiful large wood dining room table that was built into the wall. Yes, it was part of the house. Weird, but it was cool. We could fit a lot of people around that table. It was the favored house for Adult card games as us kids went to bed.

A lot happened in that house. I lost my first tooth, I got in my first accident-a snowmobile accident that is--lost teeth and all, dyed my hair for the first time-what a mistake that was, and took my first sip of that fruity blue alcohol Maui something? I had my "up-north friends" who were all of my parents friends kids. It was so neat that my parents had this network of people who they knew in their young 20's and remained very close to them until the day they died. Bonfires, pontoon parties on the lake, BBQ's, kid parties.....this particular group of people was always there. We all belonged to the club house on the lake and my Mom would help host big beach parties with tons of activities for the kids. I will never forget the egg toss, and the pie eating contests. My Mom loved this stuff. To that day, she was still organizing back home the block parties. All of the kids stuck near by my parents house. She loved kids.

In 1997, the year I graduated from HS, they purchased land on Half Moon Lake. It was a beautiful lot. The perfect view of this cute, little no wake lake. At first we were bummed it was a no wake lake as Dad always had a speed boat for tubing and skiing. But as I started going up there, I appreciated the peace fullness of this lake and the quiet sound of the pontoon motor. We'd anchor in the middle and you could hear a pin drop. My Dad could literally yell for his Brother, who has property on the lake as well, and Stan would soon appear on his pontoon. They owned this lake.

I loved the layout of the home they picked out as it was open which was perfect for entertaining. My favorite part of the house is this window above the sink in the kitchen. The view is the peaceful lake in the Summer or the frozen snowy lake in the Winter, where you'd watch deer walk by. When I was on the phone with her in February the year they died, my Mom was looking out the window and spotted a few deer, "oh my gosh there's another one, and another one, Melissa there's like 10 deer! They are making their way to Uncle Stan's property! They can smell the deer food! Darn it and I forgot my camera! I cannot believe I forgot my camera, " she continued to say...

Like I've said in the past, as I got older I didn't get up north nearly as much as I should have or wanted to. Distance created that challenge but the time we had up there was so enjoyable, relaxing and fun. I'm so happy our closest friends got to experience the place when my parents were alive as well as my in-laws. They know how my parents loved to entertain and how they would welcome anyone up there for a good time. My parents loved friends and guests. I will never forget those memories for as long as live and I hope they won't either. My hope is they'll continue to come up north, use my parent's place and help us keep their memory alive through enjoying this peaceful place. I am looking forward to introducing Elle to my parents friends, many of which have retired and moved up there full time and to have her breathe that fresh air that I can't wait to feel the second I step out of the car. Up north has a unique scent and the second I get out of the car, I always take a deep breath. It's the freshest air and the sleep is so sound.

Up north will never be the same without my Mom and Dad. They made it a home and a place of fun. My Sister and I are lost without them and all we know is, we want to continue to go up there. But it's not easy. Every second your fully aware they are missing. But yet, you want to be there-you want to keep this tradition going.

Please friends and family, come up as much as you'd like. Your welcome anytime. They would have loved to have you there.........

Get ready for Walravens, Elle. My most favorite ice cream shop since I was little. Waffle cone with mint chocolate chip. Every time....

"Let us smile, eat, drink, laugh and relax" just as we did when you were alive. Your in our thoughts and hearts and we miss your smiling faces and love for entertaining every time we step foot in the house at the lake....I feel weird being there without you. It's your place. You used to greet us with such big hugs and huge smiles. I'll never forget the last time I was up there grocery shopping with you , Mom. We got a bunch of fun stuff for Labor Day. We made food, drank wine. Ha, that is when I was just getting into text messaging and everyone was yelling at me for texting while sitting by the campfire. Who does that? Now looking back, I wish I would have never stopped talking to you and Dad and not have been texting or whatever else. But, we had a good time and I will never forget that last weekend spent up there as a family. I still find it very, very difficult to be up there without you. And to be honest, I am not expecting that feeling ever to go away. I guess you just hope you learn to live with it.

Hi, my name is Melissa Close

I introduced myself to the counselor and then immediately started to explain why I was there. 

"A little over a year ago, my brother shot and killed both my Mother and Father and I'm devastated". He repeated my exact words and said "wow, this is terrible. The worst of the worst."  Then he of course wanted to understand Justin's condition to have some background, "this was not suppose to happen this way- he was under a Doctor's care" and he himself could not believe that he was seeing a Doctor every two weeks and the fact that they did not notice any changes in his behavior. No one saw this coming. "they trusted and really knew him and did the best they knew how to do" I explained. "I believe he was mis-diagnosed for many years and because he did not have any episodes except for social anxiety and the inability to work, we accepted his condition and never thought of him as a danger to our family...he was part of our family".

He said exactly what I already knew though, "Melissa, you're not depressed, your grieving and your heart is broken", "you were 28 years old, the prime of your life, your parents were young and you expected them to be around for at least another 30 years", "your heart was ripped right out of your chest with NO notice-BOOM, your life is changed forever" "and your family was torn apart" "your childhood home-where your memories took place was taken away and you feel robbed...cheated" "Now you are learning all over again who you are...."

My emotions, thoughts and feelings just as expected are normal. I explained the jealousy, anger and sadness I feel. "why wouldn't you feel that way? You want THEM here" "They SHOULD be here too".  "I cannot get past how my Mom was alive for an hour and I miss them dearly".

We talked for a solid hour and got through as much as we could. "I'd like to be your therapist if you agree to see me again". 

"See you next Tuesday" I said as I walked out the door.......

a weekend with Elle and the girls....

french toast

As I was popping my frozen pieces of french toast in the toaster this morning, that Reagan and I had bought from Trader Joes last night, I thought of my Dad.

My Dad was famous for his cinnamon french toast, or famous to me anyway....

He'd get up really early before anyone was up to get started on breakfast. I swear the French toast was a good few hours old. But it still tasted perfect. He had it down to a science and could actually keep them warm until we all rolled out of bed at the lake or at home. He mainly cooked his french toast up north. A few years back I came across this platter with a cover at Crate & Barrell that was suppose to keep your french toast, pancakes, etc warm while you cooked the rest of them. I immediately thought about my Dad when I saw it and I had planned to purchase it for the following Father's Day or his Birthday. Then go figure- I couldn't find it then. I thought it would be the perfect gift for him. I'm so bummed to this day that I never as able to give that to him.

My Dad loved to cooked, especially breakfast. And what was most interesting is that I rarely saw him eat the breakfast he made himself. Once or twice maybe. I think he'd have his cereal and banana before everyone else woke up, and then left the good breakfast for his family and friends.
It was never about him.

Who would have thought this cinnamon french toast would become so important to me in my adult life. I always appreciated the fact that my Dad cooked and made us special breakfasts and have watched my Dad for many years make it for my Mom...even down here in Cincinnati. She'd sleep in a little and come down in her robe..Dad was already showered and dressed, coffee was on and he'd hand her a plated breakfast. He was pretty good like that.

I really miss you Dad. I'm so sad your not here.

Elle's first video....

Our first video of Elle Bell smiling and laughing out loud. Now that we know how to do this, we'll try to upload more as we go...........so for the first one this is not that exciting but it's pretty amazing how much she has already grown and the fact that she can even SMILE is incredible to me. If you turn up your volume, you will hear a laugh or two....

Smiles, 

Your Granddaughter and daughter 

Godparents

Definition of a Godparent- Traditionally, the godparents were counted informally responsible for ensuring that the child's religious education was carried out and for caring for the child should he/she be orphaned. Today the word "godparent" may not have explicitly religious overtones. The modern view of a godparent tends to be an individual chosen by the parents to take an interest in the child's upbringing and personal development.

Being raised a Catholic, choosing a Godparent is an important element of the baptism and I grew up having my Dad's brother and Mom's Sister as my Godparents. It was important to my Mom and Dad.

We had Elle baptized at the Close Family Presbyterian church, which is where we were married, where godparents are not a part of the ceremony or recognized. It bummed me out but we obviously still chose godparents for Elle as it means a lot to me knowing that I have two people that will be dedicated to helping us guide and love Elle. And god forbid anything happen to Ted and I at the same time, I know these two individuals would make certain to be involved in her life, love her and comfort her through a difficult time. I'm sure my parents thought about it when we were younger on where we'd go should anything happen to them, but I don't think later in life they ever thought about who would support their children if they ever were to die at the same time. I think they would be proud to know that their siblings have been here for Christina and I and are doing the best they can to help us deal with this. But I am understanding, because I know at times they don't know how to deal with this or how they can help us. All I would hope for Elle if anything happened to us, is that she had continued love and support to get her through difficult times. And that she was never, ever alone! My hope is that her family would surround her with all the love she needed to keep her going and to live a wonderful life.

Elle's godparents:

My Sister will love and care for Elle for as long as she is alive. She's actually a little too obsessed and believes Elle is always cold, people rub her head too hard, and that I'm not doing everything I can to keep her head round. I love her honesty. No talking behind my back. She is straight up. She spends too much money on her already, will not stop buying her clothes, and does the opposite of what I tell her to do. But I am the big Sister and I've been that way even before my parents passed and I think I will be this way forever, whether she likes it or not. She's awesome with Elle and I'm so happy she is here to be Elle's Godmother. She is loving and caring and I'm positive she will be very influential to Elle as she grows up.

My brother-in-law shares the same birthday as Elle. That is special in itself but he also is great with babies and I know they will have an increasingly special bond as Elle grows up. He is incredibly positive and family is most important to him and he has high standards and strong morals. I think it's so important to have men in a girls life that are wonderful and supportive. I think it will help her choose a good husband later in life. She'll know how she should be treated and what's important. His laughter is contagious and I'm positive he'll continue to make Elle smile for years to come.

I continue to be reminded what amazing people I have in my life and although the void will never be filled, the pain will never be gone, the wish and hope to talk and see them again will never disappear and the sadness I have for my only brother will always be there, my heart aches a little less knowing there are two individuals that I can solely count on to love and support Elle throughout her life.

a little doll in a dress filled with lace

You were both missed at another really special celebration Mom and Dad....

As always and has been the case even more so this past year, our family was there to offer their support and love to Ted, Elle and I.

We baptized Elle on Mother's Day Sunday and it was such a special occasion. The dress Elle wore really hit home with me as I pictured both of you getting me ready when I was 6 weeks old and commenting how cute I looked in the dress. I'm curious if I was as well behaved during the service as Elle was. The dress that Aunt Lisa refurbished became my own internal theme of the baptism. Her invitations were shaped in a dress, her cake as well but really the dress stood for so much more-family traditions and a strong family bond.

It was my first Mother's Day but I didn't realize what a big deal that was until the middle of the service on Sunday. The pastor asked anyone who was celebrating their first Mother's Day to please stand. As I stood and people applauded, it was a a pretty cool feeling. "My first Mother's Day" I thought to myself, what joy and happiness I brought to you on your first Mother's day. I now know what you felt like. And seeing how heartbroken Christina and I are out without a Mother, I really know and understand the importance and impact a Mother has on their children's life in particular, their daughter's lives.

After Elle was baptized, Ted and I made our way to the front and took our seats for the remainder of the service. I would glance to the left and see our family. My Dad's Sister and Brother, my Mom's Sister and Brother, Mom's Father-Grandpa, cousins, my Sister and nephew....and I felt sad. I know it breaks their hearts to see Ted and I up there with our new baby girl and the fact that my parents are missing this. I know it makes them angry.

After the service we had everyone back to the Close's house for a Polish buffet. We rearranged the Close's dining room/formal living room to accommodate 30 people to sit down together and enjoy lunch. Elle was passed on to various family members, we ate great food and enjoyed "3" cakes from our most favorite bakery that we have been using for the last several occasions. Elle's cake was shaped like a dress, I had a Mother's day cake decorated with the names of my Mom, Ted's Mom, my Sister and I and of course, an anniversary cake for Ted and I. I printed out thank you cards acknowledging the godparents-my wonderful Sister and Ted's wonderful brother, honoring my parents and thanking Ted's parents, and all of our friends and family for attending this special day and for their continued love and support with Elle. I also wanted to thank my Aunt for keeping the christening gown in the family and for all of her hard work she put into it.

Elle looked absolutely adorable and we loved spending the time with our family and friends and showing her off. As I was hugging everyone goodbye, my Grandpa came up to me before he was about to run out the door and with watery eyes he said to me, "your parents would be so proud" and then immediately left before we both started crying. I know he keeps a lot of the pain of losing his daughter and his wonderful Son-in-law inside as for a lot of us it's so tough to come to terms with what really happened. It continues to sadden me that my entire family had to go through this. But yesterday, I was so grateful that we have such a solid, loving, supportive network of family and friends who came to simply show us how much we are all loved. We love you too. Thank you for everything...

3 celebrations

So I made an appointment with a grief counselor, well, I called and left a message to make an appointment--hey, it's a step. Yay me. I think it was time. From reading books and talking with others, I know what I am feeling is actually completely normal. Everyone grieves differently as it completely depends on who it was that died, how they died and your relationship with them.

I lost two people. Not just any two people, my parents who I was completely close to and loved very much. I feel sad, angry, bitter, jealous, and lonely. And these are all normal feelings- they really are. I know if this happen to anyone else, they would feel the same way. How could they not I ask myself? Most of my friends have very close relationships with their parents and it would be as devastating. How would they handle this?

I was introduced to someone that is my age that is also parent-less as of recently. She's engaged. She, like my Sister, won't have the traditional wedding that all brides hope for. I'm sad for this person. With everything she went through (her parents died at different times-but both very tragically-her Mother was killed by her step-father and her father ended his own life-so devastating-she has many similar pains and feelings I have I'm sure), she wasn't able to work, her choice but it clearly changed her life. But now she bought her Mother's store and re-opened it and is keeping her Mother's spirit alive through this store. I'm proud of her. She's moving on and living her life, while honoring her Mother at the same time.

I'm proud of how I've handled things thus far. I had an amazingly healthy pregnancy, gave birth to a doll, and have smiled a lot over the last year. But the pain is always there just as it was a week after they died. The first week you really can't "feel" the pain. It almost felt like sleepwalking. What I cannot get past is how they died. That is where I need help.

Friends and family offer such loving advice and support, but unless your in the situation yourself, understanding what its like to know your parents were brutally killed by their son, is a feeling that is unexplainable. Thinking of my beautiful Mother and the pain she may have felt, even if it were for an hour. Or even if it was 30 seconds. The pain she felt or sadness she felt is absolutely heart wrenching to me. I think I'm scared to move on. Scared to let go of this. Fearful people will forget how they died. How young they were. How tragic this was. I'm also fearful I'm in denial, but I don't think I am since I saw them. I saw them in their caskets. But I don't know certain details, I didn't see my Mom at the hospital. I didn't go to the house that week. I never watched the news. I never searched on the Internet. I never read a news article except for the memorial article I helped write and the one sentence I caught a glimpse of when the reporter sent me a follow up story, but I quickly hit delete. I can't handle details, I think they will make it worse. The end of the story remains the same, they died. So I feel the details would only make it worse. I also have real difficulty picturing my brother walking up the stairs of the basement, turning the corner and seeing my wonderful Dad enjoying his paper on his bench and for him to actually pull the trigger-it almost doesn't seem real-yet it really did happen. His mind went nuts and made him believe such opposite things. Imagine being my brother and planning what he did. He was in such a scary place that day. That wasn't him. I think to myself, why didn't Mom run? I guess there wasn't time. Instinct is to probably freeze. I'll never know.

Intellectually I understand what I need to do. To honor my parents is to live MY life and live it to the fullest and be the greatest Mom, Wife, friend, Sister, etc. But see, I think I'm doing that. Have I stopped living? No way. Look at the memories I have with so many of my family and friends this year. I haven't stopped. But the bitterness, anger, nightmares and sadness has not went away. Why should it have?

When someone mentions a wedding, their parents, their Mom or Dad or brother, I don't want to feel jealous or think that the person talking is being insensitive, I know there not....but these are thoughts I have. I can't help but keep thinking, "they should be here too, they wanted to be here, they didn't want to die, they were still living".

Moving on is frightening to me. I feel like my Mom would be sad. I'll never stop talking about them. There's no reason to. So many things now remind me of them. That's natural. I hope when I pass Elle refers to me and all of the yummy cakes and desserts I used to make her, haha....but seriously, I'll never forget how my Dad used to cut up our food. Even into my teenage years. I can picture the chair he would sit in while doing it. What a great Dad. We could never leave that dinner table until everything was finished. I'd mash up the fish in my napkin. and drop the Brussel sprouts on the floor. I love fish and brussel sprouts now. Dinner time will always be important in my household. Even if I'm not the one cooking!

I'm doing the best I can. That's all I can say. I'm productive and really positive at work, happy with friends, sad when I go back to MI, perhaps a little more distant to some, at home when it's just my little family-that's when it all hits me. So there's more pictures, more time to think I guess, and I'll be holding Elle or watching Elle and be thinking how they would have loved to see this. She's so special, sweet and beautiful and they'd be so proud. And I guess at the end of the day, I need to continue making them proud. But my problem is, I was making them proud when they were alive and I wanted to share my future successes personally and professionally with them.

This weekend is bittersweet. My very first Mother's Day as a Mother but my second Mother's Day without my own Mommy. Elle is getting baptized and we have quite the celebration planned for after. I'm so looking forward to my Grandpa Greiner meeting Elle. With all of the snow up-north and my Grandpa's treatments this Winter, he wasn't able to meet her until now. He held me when I was only a few days old. He knows first hand the joy I brought to my Mom and Dad. He witnessed it. I'm so excited for him to hold the next generation in our family.

Ted and I are also celebrating our 6 year anniversary. So hard to believe it's been that long. We were quite young when we got married. We had such a fun celebration. A country club wedding, the big SUV limo, the hotel suite with my girlfriends getting ready, us girls and Mom riding to the church, 6 hour open bar, oh yeah- picture all of us kids who just graduated from College given premium cocktails for 6 hours- let's say we had our fun. Mine and Ted's parents put on such a beautiful and fun wedding. I danced more than Ted. That's probably my only regret is not spending more time with Ted at the actual wedding, but he's not a dancer and that's what I wanted to do. And, we had that entire week in Mexico to spend together and frankly, the rest of our lives. But you know what the weird thing is, I'm most happy now when I look back at the wedding because I know how much FUN my Mom and Dad had. Particularly my Dad. He was so proud and his friends talked about the wedding years later. That's what I'll remember. And I remember how proud both of our parents were when the pastor talked at the wedding service on how our parents had both been married and together for so many years. We both had such great examples-I'm sure that made them feel good. They did good and raised us well.

I have dreams of what we'll do for our 10 year anniversary. I'd like to renew our vows on a beach, with some friends and family. Maybe this is just an excuse for a vacation with the people I love the most... but whatever. Maybe we'll head to Hilton Head, my Aunt says," it's the best beach". I love Hawaii and St. John though. Those places are magical.

God Bless Elle, Happy Mother's Day to my beautiful Mother in Heaven and to all of the beautiful Mother's in my life, and Happy Anniversary Mel and Ted! 3 special celebrations all in one day. Pretty sweet.......

Love always,
Melissa

Mom and Me

She's growing so fast. I'll only have so long to hold her like this. I now realize the joy I brought to my Mother when I was this young. Then the teenage years came...what a pain I was.  Elle and I will probably argue about clothes too. and curfews. but hopefully she'll always know how much I love her just as I am hoping my Mother knew how much I loved her.

I love you Elle Bell and I love you Mommy.....

Pictures from my weekend in Michigan

I headed home to attend my girlfriend's bridal shower. It was at the beautiful location of the Grosse Pointe Yacht Club. We sipped Mimosas and caught up with a few of my College friends that were able to make it in for the shower. I had not seen these girls since my baby shower. 

Events such as this continue to be fun of course, but sad at the same time for me. They are reminders that my sweet Mother and wonderful Dad are gone. Most of the girls had their Mom's there and they posed for a Mother/Daughter picture. I thought to myself when Christina has her bridal shower one day. It will be so different. Mom and Dad were both at my shower. She'll have no one. No one but me. I think I need to come to the realization that weddings, showers, etc...are always going to be sad for my Sister and I. There's really no way around it. I also imagine watching the father/daughter dance at a wedding would make us sad too.  I think sadness is just part of my life now no matter how much joy I still really do have. There's just always something there to remind you that they're gone. 

I also was able to spend the evening last night with Elle, Christina, Matt and Aydan. We took the kids to dinner and since Aydan was such a good boy through dinner, we stopped for dairy queen on the way home.  It was fun to have our kids out to dinner with us. But it will never be the same. We're always aware of the constant void but we do the best we can to smile and enjoy ourselves. 

Gramma Close has officially moved in for the month of May and her and Elle are about to embark on their own special journey.....Finally, I can be on time for work for once.  :-)