home sweet home

After 12 long hours of driving that consisted of 6 stops, 4 diaper changes, drive thru food, and plenty of rain toward the end, we are HOME. I don't think I've ever been so excited to walk through the doors of my own home. But this trip gave Ted and I official confirmation that our daughter, Elle- is a rock star. (she drove there and back with no fussiness??)

I won't go into all of the details but she slept so well in a new environment, with a cold and a yucky cough that came on Wednesday evening. Never a dull moment, Charlotte ER, Novi Urgent Care, now she wanted to check out the New Jersey Urgent Care. We just wanted confirmation it was just an upper respiratory infection since she had never had a cough before. But yes, she visited another out of State doctor.

Our friends cooked a great Thanksgiving meal and while it was difficult not having my Father cut up the turkey with the electric knife, I did manage to have a nice time. For now, I am sticking with the thought that this will always be difficult. It's a daily struggle for me but Holidays are ten times worse. But it was a lot of fun to be somewhere else, with friends, and to wake up the next morning and head to NYC to shop. Mel and I left Elle with the boys and College football, and we hopped onto the train into the City. First stop Soho...and then onto Rockefeller center to see the tree. I've always wanted to see the tree and gaze down at the ice skaters on the infamous rink. I got to purchase some things at Dean and Delucas as well as FAO Schwartz. My girlfriend who now lives in Long Island met us in the city for some shopping as well and to have a fun lunch. We tried Bergdorf Goodman (the stunning department store) but they had a 45 minute wait- and we were hungry. We ended up at this trendy little burger spot, "pop burger" that evidently is home to some of the best burgers in the US. Julie and I enjoyed a glass of wine over lunch, and all three of us loved our mini burgers and girl talk. (weddings, babies, family issues and me telling them I wish I was doing Christmas in Hawaii-they confirmed my parents would be disappointed in that. So I was joking anyway. Sort of.)

We finished up shopping and we left the city to head back to New Jersey. I was bummed I didn't bring Elle. The city wasn't that packed but she ended up enjoying her time with the boys.

I also caught a yucky cold and sadly this meant we would not be visiting one of my best friends Nicky and her new baby boy. I certainly did not want to get the little guy sick. I was so bummed but as we talked about on the way home today...us Mom's understand- this stuff happens. So I'll book a flight in February. Problem solved.

Although the drive was long, Elle and I got sick and now I am incredibly tired, we are just so proud of our daughter and thankful we have friends to visit. Elle is now sound asleep in her crib ( i seriously have no idea how considering she just slept for 8 or so hours and was stuck in a car seat for 12!) but we are missing our second child, Gracie. Ted's parents were helpful to watch Miss Grace so we could enjoy our trip with our friends. We'll get her back this weekend.

It feels good to be home this evening. We have a busy few weeks ahead of us. Work travels, Holiday parties, Christmas shopping, and decorating our home......I miss my Mom and Dad everyday and this weekend was no different but we enjoyed ourselves, loved seeing our friends (especially seeing the City and Ted enjoyed a New Jersey Devils game) and taking Elle on another adventure. I'll post additional pictures this week!

Goodnight,

Melissa

new traditions

Here are some pictures of our version of fake thanksgiving at our home in Cincinnati. I really appreciated our family making long drives to be with us.

These events will never be the same (for me) but I just have to hope these will one day get better-never easier just better and enjoyable. One day- I can just enjoy being with the people I do have. For now, it will remain difficult-all of these Holiday events. And that's okay and quite frankly, I think normal. I actually think one would be lying and in denial if they were able to bounce back after such a thing and enjoy Holidays just as they used to without their family. I miss my Mom and Dad, I miss having my immediate family together. Family is what makes the Holidays so special and I just feel terribly alone without them. Without my own family I have had all of my life. It's all I know. 

Wednesday we will start our journey to the East Coast where we will stay with our friends of many years, Mel and Nick. Looking forward to a day in NYC to shop the day after Thanksgiving-I love New York and I have never been there around the Holidays. (Must grab coffee from Dean and Delucas)... and then we'll get the chance to visit with our other friends Nicky and Mark who just welcomed baby #2. I am so excited to do something new for this Holiday. Or else I'd just sit around and mope that my Father is no longer here to carve the turkey. The last Thanksgiving they were alive for, we all spent it at the Close's house. 

Wishing everyone out there a Happy Thanksgiving. I feel for people who are alone, who are elderly, who are sick, who are homeless and have nothing to eat at all.....and I feel sad for my own hurting family and for my brother. I am thankful he is safe. 

fake thanksgiving

We lived in Boston, MA for 3 years (well, 11 months of it on the south shore in Plymouth) but anyways, we would spend this newly created Holiday with Ted's Aunt, Uncle and cousins at their beach house in CT and it was called "fake thanksgiving". It was generally held a week or two prior to the real Thanksgiving and a way for people to all be together since getting everyone together on the actual Holiday can often be a challenge. We enjoyed it for a few years as we'd be flying back to MI for Christmas so we tended to not fly home for Thanksgiving. We enjoyed those memories with Ted's cousins, Aunt and Uncle. We were away from Family...our siblings and friends. They welcomed us into their family and made our families back at home feel better about us being away.

Two years ago, we started a little tradition of our own here in Cincinnati. We'd still come home on Thanksgiving but we had my parents and Aunt and Uncle (my Dad's Sister) here. I asked Mom to bring Justin this year- get him out of the house-he can have the upstairs, nah..he's going to stay home and take care of Brandy, he didn't want to come (that darn social anxiety)......Dad cooked and carved the turkey (here he was packing up the leftovers for us), Mom and I went shopping for the perfect tablecloth and place settings (yes, you've all heard this before- the tablecloth that my Dad spilled on and literally said, "you'll look at this and cry when I'm gone"- he was gone 5 months later- that kills me every time I think of that. WHY didn't I run over and hug him and say something to him about him one day being gone? I never thought he would be. ) Mom made her harvest cheesecake, and we told her over and over how wonderful it was. We all posed behind my dining room table and set the timer on the camera- Ted and I, Mom and Dad, and Aunt Diann and Uncle Randy...a few weeks later she framed that picture in a frame labeled "family" and mailed it to my Aunt.  She was thoughtful and loved when we all got together. 

The next year Mom and Dad were gone. Thankfully, my Aunt and Uncle still came. 

Now we have an even bigger gang coming to join in the fun. Well, first Elle is now here.....Christina, Matt and my nephew Aydan will come, my Aunt and Uncle will make the trip from Atlanta and Ted's parents are joining us. It will be a packed house but as my parents motto always was, "the more the merrier". Ted will cook. Believe or not, I could cook a turkey ya know. It's actually one of the easiest things to do now with the invention of the Reynolds cooking bags. But I don't like to cook and am still not ready. I know this sounds weird but every since my parents died, I can't do certain things. Other then Food network and maybe an hour here or there,  I haven't really watched TV in a year and 1/2 (Ted was gone for 4 days last week and I never turned it on). I can't watch scary movies now and refuse to watch sad ones, although on the flight to Europe I had no choice (I cried at the proposal- Sandra Bullock had no parents and balled Jennifer Garnier's new movie with Matthew M...as he had no parents either-they died too....what are the chances...two movies in a row). And my most favorite hobby....the gym. I haven't went to the gym since they died but once. I've been going most of my life. I luckily LOVE running and walking outside though and have kept that up. I tell myself one day, one day I can do the normal things without spending the entire activity thinking about what has happened. 

I'm so looking forward to a weekend with Family, to have my Sis make Mom's cheesecake, to share a bottle of wine with my Aunt and Uncle that they flew home from their recent trip to New Zealand and to have Elle spend time with her cousin and Gramma and Grampa. 

I'm thankful for all of them but this year like last year, I will be missing my Mom, Dad and now Grandfather. Everyday I continue to say, thank God for Elle. I am so thankful for her. 

And thanks to our family on the East Coast for creating this little fake Holiday that has turned into quite the tradition.....

make new friends..

Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the others gold... 

I learned that in Girl Scouts and at the time really had no idea what it meant. I would just sing along with the other "scouts" as my Mother (the cookie Mom) would give me the eye for acting up and not fully paying attention. She was troop leader for a few years but realized I would goof around only because my Mom was the "troop leader" . We have home videos to document this behavior. During ceremony one year, I was to put the flag in the post, easy enough. Well I kept sticking my tongue out at my BFF at the time (Sierra) and would not stop giggling. The video camera was actually shaking in the video. I wonder if my Dad was laughing or shaking in disgust of my behavior. 

I have "gold" friends. They'll be my friends until I am old and gray. They're always, always there and there is no effort whatsoever to maintain their friendship. They ask, they know and they care. And they are the girls I want to rent a beach house with when we're in our 50's, drink vintage wine, and talk about our children's lives, some of them will be married then perhaps, or graduating from College, and cry over our heartache (deaths, divorce, disappointments) but then laugh over the memories we have had shared and be proud of ourselves that through our busy lives, we remained best of friends. My parents had those friends, those 30+ year friendships. When I ran into my Father's best friend from childhood at my Grandfather's funeral last month he said to me, "I miss Jerome everyday, I talk to him everyday, no one loved me more then Jerome". It was hard to hear a grown man say those words. I miss him too Jamie. Everyday. 

And there are the silver friends. The "new" friends and they are wonderful as well and as you move around various states or even just neighborhoods, you meet unique and lovely individuals too that also leave a special mark in your heart. 

Last night, I had a little dinner party with a few of my girlfriends from Cincinnati. One was really new-I had only met her once. But we instantly were chatting it up about being new mommies (all of us had recently became a new Mom this year, except for Mer-she has had 2 girls over the past 4 years). 

But meeting new people is also tough as the "parents" are bound to come up. Who wouldn't ask about family or talk about what the Grandparents think of little Elle?  It's only natural. Or, god forbid I'm asked if I have siblings. It's hard.  I think she may have known. Our mutual friends could have warned her as she didn't seem too shocked or surprised when I said in passing that they died last year. I didn't get into details but we talked about the Holidays and how it is tough choosing which side to spend which Holiday with. Well, I don't have that problem anymore but frankly, I don't think I ever would have had that difficulty. One, we were lucky that our parents lived in the same State, but two, we all enjoyed one another and it was really, really important for Ted and I be together with our families at the same time. 

As much as I love new friendships, it's tough at the same time. They don't know everything and you can only dance around certain things for so long. And I don't want to not talk about them. They were everything to me and they are the reason I am the way I am and I like to think that I am pretty good friend and I learned from the best. No shoulder was a better shoulder then my Mother's to cry on for many of her friends and family and my Father was the most loyal friend anyone could ask for. 

Gold, Silver, they're all wonderful. I couldn't imagine life without girlfriends. Many of them are family to me. And when you've lost your Mother, your lifelong best friend, it's amazing how you need those girls in your life even more...

I miss you~

Your favorite Season~Fall. I miss you every day Mommy!

Here we are...enjoying life, in our town of Hyde Park.......at Arthur's cafe.....who would have thought, this would be the last time I would get to enjoy you and Dad in Cincinnati. (Feb 2008)

Miss you always,

Missy

fear

I have high hopes and really high expectations for Elle's childhood, the memories she'll have to hold for years to come and the traditions she'll grow up remembering.

All of this also remains one of my biggest fears. I was raised surrounded by family. Sleepovers at Grandparents houses, huge birthday celebrations (not huge as in fancy, huge as in my parents stuffing 50 people in their modest size basement), Christmas eves spent at families homes and the most memorable- at my Grandpa and Gramma's house. My Mom and her siblings and all of us kids would gather there each and every Christmas Eve until Grandpa moved to Harrison (up-north) full time. Grandpa was the only one allowed to pass out the presents, "I have one for a Melisser (he calls me), Justin and Christina, from a Santa?", Grandpa would say. I was surrounded by my young Aunts and Uncles, we were the only kids for most of the years until Aunt Kim started a family; Aunt Lisa and her children were already living in Texas.  I look back at the hundreds of photos taken all of these years and I know what was most important to my Parents- their Family-not just us kids but their entire family and of course, their friends. And then there was Christmas day...always held at Mom and Dad's house. Same menu- buffet style, we'd draw names for gifts and we couldn't wait to see who had our name, and as we got older I'd mix up Egg nog Martinis for my Mom and Aunt and we'd get yelled at by the boys as we continued to turn up the Christmas music too loud. Friends would stop by. Holiday cheer was always in the air. 

I always told my Mom that my dream was to one day have a huge old fashioned Christmas, with everyone at MY home. But I wanted an open floor plan and a larger kitchen and lots of bedrooms to accommodate everyone to stay. My fear is that this will never happen. Chris and Aydan will always come. Everyone else has other family to see and visit with. What if we're alone? Of course we'll always go back to Michigan to be with Ted's Family, to spend time with my Sister and Aydan and of course to spend time with my one Grandparent I have left and other extended family that lives there. But I know it won't ever be the same.  I have these hopes that Elle will be surrounded by all of her Grandparents, all of her cousins, Aunts and Uncles for every Holiday and every birthday but maybe I am setting my hopes to high. We have great friends. They'll also be incorporated into traditions. Heck, we're spending Thanksgiving with Melissa and Nick this year. Maybe that's a new tradition.  But I got to be there for my Sister. She has no one or I should say, very little family. She can spend every Holiday with me for as long as I am alive. No matter where I am living; California, Boston, or Cincinnati- I will fly home or fly them here to make certain they too are surrounded by Family. Aydan especially, Holidays are different for him too now. Grandparents make Birthdays and Christmas even more special. 

We all have fears in life but frankly had my parents not been killed, I am not certain I would have ever known what this fear felt like.  I had my Family, Ted had his Family- we did things together-some Thanksgivings, Christmas and then Easter-we were starting some fun traditions, but we had two homes to have memories shared with our one day future family and there was a place that I could go and kick my feet up on the couch and feel safe and comfortable under the roof of where I grew up. 

I'll continue to do what I can to keep everyone together...

I'll keep hoping my brother-in-law and Elle start a tradition of celebrating their same day birthday together one day, I'll continue to do what I can to be with my Parent's siblings as much as I can and spend as many Holidays in MI with everyone we do have and will continue enjoying Christmas Eve dinner at my in-laws home as I have for so many years and I will continue to make time for my Grandpa. Matt and Christina are hosting Christmas Day this year. As strange as this is...my 26 year old Sister hosting Christmas? Totally doesn't seem right but we're all trying to make the best out of it. Someone has to continue the Christmas day "tradition". 

Some days I wish I could have like 6 children so Elle would never be alone, she would always have lots of family surrounding her even long after we're gone. But sadly, that will probably never happen. I just pray and hope our families realize and also make the effort to continue to make new memories, share old and new traditions, and make the time for each other. Because at the end of the day, it's really all that matters in life. Family and friends. I was taught well I guess. Wish I had the chance to let them know.  

Thank you Mom and Dad. I wish more then anything you were here. My Holidays will never be the same and I'll cry a lot, maybe when no one is looking or as I lay down to sleep at night or when the lights dim at church and silent night is sang-I don't sugar coat anything- it is still incredibly painful, devastating and sad, but I'll just pray you're watching down and giving Christina, Justin and I strength to go on and that Christina and I can live just as you did for the 50 years you had on Earth. You lived such a short life but you left such a long legacy of memories and traditions. Sadly, it makes it even harder that you're gone. 

Hopeful (I have my days), 

Melissa

money from heaven

So if you couldn't already tell, it's been a challenging week or two but you'll never hear me say it was the worst week ever. I hear that expression often and I always have to close my eyes just for a second and take a deep breathe without asking "really, are you sure it was that bad?" But we all deserve our "days" because we all have them.

Last week it was missing work, some sickness, hearing that my brother will have to get surgery... and then on Friday when I thought the weekend was going to kick off just right, our water was shut off. There has been a leak down by our curb and apparently the city determined that it was coming from our property. We had to get a plumber over after first searching for one.  $3,000 later. They have to dig up the concrete near our sidewalk to get to the leak. Just like that....$3,000! So... Ted, Elle and I walked up to the square for a nice dinner and a drink to cheers to our sorrow. I've been doing a lot lately, splurging on things-did Elle really need a $300 highchair?....I hired California closets to redo our downstairs closests- in need of organization and better use of space- the home is 103 years old and closets are really small, we booked a suite for my brother-in-law's wedding next Summer in FL instead of the basic room and oh yeah- we spent two weeks in Europe (remember, my Hermes scarf purchase?)......so now I am feeling guilty about all of this because of having to fix this darn pipe! 

So naturally with this going on I woke up in a cranky mood. Elle and I would go on our fun little Saturday walk while Daddy would work on the leaves (not a bad gig) and today the weather was so wonderful, Sunny and 70. It was the perfect Fall day but I was in a bad mood. Elle and I had to run into the bank quickly and as I was walking out I was thinking how badly I wanted a latte from our little local coffee shop. But in my mind I was saying "you don't need a $4.00 latte today- you've spent enough". And just as I said that to myself, I looked down, and there it was- money from heaven. A crumbled $20 bill in the size of a dime was staring right up at me. I looked around of course to see if anyone had dropped it. Nope- no one around. It was for me. I seriously laughed as I opened the Twenty dollar bill out of it's crumbly stage and thought Mom probably sent this down saying, "will you stop your whining, all of this is out of your control, I know you're bummed you had to spend the money, I wish we could help, now go get your ridiculous $4.00 non-fat-sugar-free-vanilla-latte and enjoy this beautiful day".  And so I did.....and with the $16.00 I had left, I purchased 4 gourmet cupcakes from a new local cupcakery named "Abby girl sweets" -hey, at least the money was spent on our local businesses. 

Pictures of Elle from our walk today.....

Thank you for the coffee and cupcake money- it made my day! 

strange encounter

Life is weird.

Last week when traveling to Portland I had to get a taxi to take to the airport since my company car would not start. Anyways, this taxi driver showed up a few minutes late but was very kind and helped get my bags in the trunk and we were on our way. I was thankful I had a woman driver, it was only 5am so I was a little nervous about taking a cab this early.

She was a quirky woman from the start- she had a contagious laugh though and what I would eventually find out about her life, I was shocked she had any laughter left in her.
We got talking and don't ask me how but she shared with me that her Son, at 52 years of age (yes, this taxi driver was 70+ years old), died due to a kidney disorder of some sort. She shared me with me how he was so loved by his work, a local country club and how the members paid for the funeral and re-did her bathroom to make it more accessible for her handicap Son. She was in tears of joy talking about her Son who passed. I shared with her my story about Mom and Dad. Why not, she's been through a sad loss and seemed sweet. She was of course shocked but seemed so calm when she said to me, "I've been through a lot throughout my life; Prison (oh-great and she's my driver!), Death of loved ones, married 5 times, gave birth 8 times, Poverty, I was a Madam in Kentucky for years, etc) and I now put everything into God's hands--It's the only way I can go on". We talked about me one day wanting to write a book, god only knows about what, a story to their Grandchildren-Aydan and Elle. They one day have to know but I want them to know the good stuff too. What amazing people they were. And she then goes on to tell me that she just finished her memoir and it was published a few months back, "I have a copy in the trunk if you'd like one". "Heck yeah I want one", I replied. She added the $15.00 for the book to my cab fare, signed the book with a beautiful message "brighter days ahead, Patsy Maloney" and handed me her card with her writers information and says, "I think he can help you". I truly believe I was put in that cab to meet her to read her book to hear her tragic story and to ultimately be connected to a writer. I read her entire 300+ page memoir on my flight to Portland. Barely looked up to get a glass of water and some pretzels. This book was tragic yet she came out on top... "Making of a Madam" by Patsyann Maloney http://makingofamadamtemp.homestead.com/home.html

And the man featured in the link above who helped write her book is the man I am having coffee with today after work! I have zero expectations. He has turned down over 6 projects in the last year. He was intrigued by my story. He only knows the tragic part of it though. Until then, I was skipping through life... Who knows if I ever really will "write something", but I do know one thing, I am determined to honor my parents life and to be certain Elle and Aydan understand all of this one day-we must all be educated on medications and mental illness...we weren't....maybe I can help someone one day. But with only a year and half since their death, it is way too painful right now. I still haven't healed. Every since they died, I have always had "something else to think about"- pregnancy, Elle, etc. I am not even certain I have really faced the fact that they are gone. But they are.

More and more I realize though, God puts you in places for a reason- whether it be a cab to be linked to a writer to chase a dream or 4 hours closer to home in Cincinnati so I could spend my parents last 2 years with them, it's very strange.........

It's been an exhausting week. I had a stomach bug which caused me to miss a day of work, Elle caught pink eye then had to miss another 1/2 day of work, I am tired and busy... BUT, I had a few hours out with girlfriends last night over Wine at a local shop that was open after hours to host a purse making event. You need those few hours every so often. And now a weekend at home with the Fam....hope it's a Sunny one!

Love,
Melissa

this little piggy...

Elle's first Halloween...she was adorable...

I so wish it was easier to stop focusing on what I do not have in my life (My Mom, Dad,and Brother) and focus on all of the things I do have. Sounds easy right? I have a beautiful-healthy daughter and that should solve all of my sadness right? No Mom and Dad it does not and I feel like there are some days that only you would understand-why did you have to die the way that you did? I'm not expecting an answer. There never will be one. It just shouldn't have ever happened. 

Every Holiday, yes, even the simple ones like Halloween where you're just dressed up and pass out some candy, remind me that I do not have parents and that you will never meet Elle, well on Earth at least. We had a fabulous evening last night. Friends stopped by with their babies, Ted made Kielbasa and sauerkraut (Dad's specialty), we sipped on Pumpkin ale and took lots of pictures of the babies looking so cute. We walked around our fun little neighborhood where people we're sitting on their front lawns with fires going, drinks in hand, passing out candy. We passed one couples home and the wife's parents were on the porch, sipping on drinks watching the kids go bye. I thought to myself, Mom and Dad would have came down. They would be doing this. Although, Halloween is perhaps the one Holiday that I would have not gotten them to come here since my Dad would have to watch over his "great pumpkin" and my Mother would most definitely have to be dressed up in something scary to greet the hundreds of trick or treaters they would get each and every year. 

But, we have great friends. We have friends to pass out candy with and to take pictures with and to sit on the porch with. And we live in a fantastic neighborhood. But some days it seems like it's never enough. I almost have it all ya know. I miss my Family. It's awkward that the only immediate family member I have left is a Sister. And the Holidays are coming....I hate that I have to dread them but I know it's a normal feeling. My daughter's first Christmas and they still won't be here. 

I am so happy Aydan enjoyed his Halloween. He was so used to going to Gramma and Papa's house. It was tradition. Luckily he is busier than ever back in MI or else they would have came to Cincinnati. Soccer AND Hockey yesterday, visits with friends at a country club for fun filled activities with the kids and then trick or treating around Matt's neighborhood. My heart breaks for Aydan that his life too has changed and yet I am thankful he is young, filled with life and to this day can remember pretty much everything about his Grandparents. 

Elle was such a trooper in her piggy costume and she made all of us smile....and my stomach hurts from all of the candy bars I have continued to eat today...

Melissa