tell me what to do...

I wish you would tell me what to do. I never wanted all of this responsibility at this age. I didn't want all of this worry for my siblings, and stress about what to do with the lake. I thought I would keep it forever. Selling it never even crossed my mind. We'd pay the taxes and do what we could to maintain when we're up there... its causing stress and worry now.....we're too far and there is so much to be done...Chris won't even discuss it.....but I have to be the practical one even though deep down I am just emotionally attached to it as well.....another piece of my childhood and parents that would be gone......no amount of money would ever be enough for this place. Nothing could ever replace that fresh air on a cool night, the smell of the fire or cinnamon french toast cooking in the morning and all of the memories....I am so torn........I don't want this on my shoulders. I know my Grandfather and all of my parents siblings want us to sell it......they see how much work it is and how far Ted and I are....Chris already has so much on her plate...she can't worry about the lake. I wish Mom and Dad were here....the lake would be theirs. We would come to visit. It would be the fun place to go.....now it is work. Cindy and I took the kids up there and I didn't even get a moment of enjoyment. There was so much to be done and with two kids it was even more of a challenge to get anything really done. It made me so sad......my parents never seemed stressed up there....everything was always done so they could enjoy their guests. They went up there so much. It breaks my heart to think we would sell this place. My grandfather and Aunt and Uncle live there still so I would always go back...but it wouldn't be the same...yet I know it's killing them to keep coming over to Mom and Dad's house when we are up there. I know how painful it is. It's painful for me. Everything of theirs is the way they left it. Even a crossword puzzle Dad was working on. We've added some pictures...moved furniture around and I just took down the Christmas lights Mom left up but it still looks the same....

I don't know what to do. I know what we should do yet my heart is saying "hell no, don't sell it...take your kids up there just as you did as a child.....Elle and Harrison will get to know their grandparents through this place". I think that's my biggest fear of selling it.....my kids already won't ever get to meet my parents. I want them to have memories of at least going to a place they left behind. A place I went all of my life....I don't want them to just have memories with Ted's parents. I need something from my family. This breaks my heart....I want to be a kid again......I never wanted to think of any of this...........my Sister would hate me. I already have so much guilt what she saw and did after Mom and Dad died. I cannot do this alone.

Help, Mom and Dad.......please......I will be up there for a week in August and I cannot wait. Our friends are visiting....Ted will be there. Maybe we will feel differently. Maybe it is possible to get everything done if we use our vacations up at the lake verse traveling. I just want to go up there and enjoy myself with my family and friends......I love that place so much.

a month old...

WOW, Harrison is almost a month old....we've been busy in the Close household adjusting to the added addition. He is much more alert these days....but pretty much still in the eating/sleeping phase. He doesn't love his crib yet at night so he has been in the room with me in the "sleep n play" all snuggled up. I feel rested though he is up every 2-3 hours still....he is just adorable and Elle has adjusted just fine but Daddy has become her new best friend. Children, managing a household and careers is a lot... but in my opinion, I don't think anything tops dealing with the heartache of missing my Family and how they died and not having them here to meet our new Family. As much as I would love an extra pair of hands right now, it's the unconditional love and care I miss and need the most right now. It's having my Mom to call 24-7...it's hard and I know no one can understand. Maybe I will stop mentioning it to others as I know they can never relate and maybe it's not fair to even bring it up as they don't know what to say or how to help...but sometimes I need to vent and to share my feelings. They see me with two beautiful, healthy children and a great career, wonderful home, etc, etc....and yes, I have SO much to be thankful for. I am very aware of all of our blessings...but I am also so aware of the heartache and the challenge of a tragic loss and the acceptance they will never meet these babies. And I worry about my Sister, Aydan and my brother. There's just a lot of baggage along with expanding our family. But I know how proud my Parents would be of us..when I look at how my Sister and I have handled these last three years, my parents would be AMAZED. This would crush some...and here I am expanding my Family, traveling, focusing on my career...and Chris chases nursing school, continues to be a great Mom to Aydan (our soccer star!!) despite everything she has faced...they would be so proud. With that said, it doesn't take away the pain.

Harrison is such a good boy...see, God takes care of me in other ways and I know this...I am grateful for this but I want something I will never have again. I want my Family back. I want to head up to Harrison next week with my Mother-in-law and the kids and walk in to my Parents greeting us....to Dad grilling and serving drinks to my Mom laughing and so happy to see us there....they would be so honored and thrilled to have us all up at the lake...I will miss sharing these moments with them for the rest of my life.

Though I am stressed, I feel like Ted and I are super Mom and Dad at times....yesterday I don't think either of us sat down (well, I did a lot to feed Harrison but that was it)..from watering the lawn and flowers, to weeding to grocery shopping, to cooking to cleaning to laundry to prepping a room to be painted, preparing for our new driveway, making calls to get a tree picked up that fell on our driveway, to organizing to baths to packing lunches to talking to friends to taking Elle and Harrison to the market, to constantly putting Elle on the potty to avoid accidents to changing a zillion diapers....my head spins at times yet this stuff isn't the hard stuff I face in my life. I can handle being busy ...I cannot handle the loss at times. I know no one can relate but Chris and I. I guess sometimes I wish people could....it wouldn't make a difference yet I guess there wouldn't be these expectations that I should be back to myself and that I should be always looking at the glass half full. I do know I can look myself in the mirror everyday and be so proud of how I have handled this but know it's a challenge every day.

I have two beautiful children...and while it will be bittersweet as always, I look forward to Harrison meeting Family and Friends back in MI this week and introducing him to the place he was named after as well! It will be a special moment for me seeing them up there knowing what happiness it would have brought to Mom and Dad.

All my love and hope for continued health and happiness for my Family and that Mom and Dad are watching the good times from up above...I pray they don't see me sad. It would break their hearts. Thankful for the friendships we have and love that has been shown to our baby boy...he's too sweet...and I wish him a Happy birthday tomorrow as he reaches ONE MONTH!!!!

Melissa