An Olszowy

One of my dearest friends, who I know reads my blog from time to time is probably going to be so mad if I quote some of the beautiful things she wrote to me in a recent letter. But I have to. When I do sit down typing away my thoughts for the day or week I generally don't have to think more then a few seconds about what I will write about. It comes rather naturally when you have a lot of pain yet joy- as you're watching a mini you (or, a mini Ted as we often refer to her as) grow up.... But back to the letter. My friend, who is a teacher, is a really, really good writer. We've teased her to write a book. She's too busy I assume. She's a new Mom as well and coaches and so on.....but I admire her writing and I admire her even more when she writes to her friends handwritten letters. As I read the one she sent to me this week, I felt as if she was sitting right in front of me. It was as if we were sharing a glass of wine together and she was telling me from a "friend's perspective" of this tragedy. Her words were honest and so true and I thank her for taking a moment to reflect on what happened and for giving me a pep talk to give me a moment of peace. Just for a moment. 

I kept re-reading the letter over and over. I was trying to cook for Elle (or re-heat as I should say, Ted did the cooking and left it in the fridge to heat when we got home) and get her situated but I continued to pick the letter back up to read it again. I tend to do that with cards I have received lately. I read them several times before I put them away. 

A few things that she wrote stood in my mind for hours and I knew what I have always known with several of my friends that have been by my side through this mess is that she's a lifelong friend and supporter of this. She didn't forget after year one and she won't ever forget. I know this. This loss is a part of my life forever and my true friends have accepted that this comes along with my friendship now. I know I have withdrawn from some people. But if nothing is said, I push away....right or wrong, no one taught me how to handle something like this. None of us are equipped to handle this normally. There's just no way. 

She wrote: 

"I myself seem to deny the horror of your loss. Therefore, I know I have truly no idea about how hard life must be for you. And for this I am so sorry. " "Your parents, your Sister and yourself are the type of people that make all of those around you happy. The Olszowy's go out of their way for others. The Olszowy's are role models. The Olszowy's are friends with everyone. I wish I was more like you Mel and your parents. " 

Well I don't know about all that my friend but I will be forever thankful you got to spend a weekend with my family at the lake and seeing who they really were as people, friends and parents. They had a lot of fun, always had a smile on their face and I hope and believe they made you feel comfortable and welcome. When I was up at the lake a few weekends ago, I came across a picture of that weekend and we were dancing in the kitchen with my Mom and then we were all gathered on the boat.....my friends, the Close family, my sister, and my parents. I literally had it all that weekend and you were a part of it. Now that I think about it. I think even Justin was there. 

And so to my favorite part of the letter.... It hurts yet warms my heart like the biggest, longest hug from a true, loyal friend. 

And she wrote: 

"Your parents live on in the memories of hundreds or even thousands of people. And I know from experience that these memories bring joy and laughter. What an amazing legacy. Even a more amazing legacy lies with you and your sister. Just being you, just being an Olszowy makes the world you live in a better and more happy place". 

Thanks for thinking of the darkness yet remembering the happiness and what they left behind...

Your friend, an Olszowy for life, 

Melissa 

leading with strengths

My Aunt and I were emailing today, bummed, talking about our plans for Mother's day weekend and hoping we can all meet up at the cemetery. Things are stressful right now, she is dealing with things with her children and handling this month all over again and Justin's birthday is this week and you look around and everyone else is living life as they should be- with no major bumps in the road just everyday stress that is manageable- and you think, why us? and why my Mom and Dad? There will never be answers. Sometimes when I think of it all- it is really overwhelming....my parents, my brother, my grandfather passing away, my Sister being on her own, literally no support around her....I have to think of these things separately or else it becomes way too much to think about and handle.

I am reading a book my therapist highly recommended and she basically said it was my "homework" until our next session. "when bad things happen to good people".....I am early into the book but it talks a lot about the outcome of those who have suffered a tragedy. Many turn cynical, jealous and angry while few come out brave and at peace. I am stuck and she was amazed where I currently was in the grieving process given everything our family went through. The first year I was in shock and distracted with the pregnancy. The real pain came the second year. She thought I was doing very well considering. I went through, what she referred to as, "a life altering experience".

My Aunt said something very true though today and it made me stop and think for a few moments..."Nobody will understand our loss Mel.....nobody - and we are still not knowing how to deal but just remember one thing. The closeness you shared w/your parents and the closeness i shared w/my sister and brother-in-law... - not too many people can say they share that same love that we were fortunate to have - we just need it and want it back...but remember what we had".

You're right, Auntie. No one can ever take that away from us and maybe just maybe one day I will be at peace knowing that no one will ever fully understand and that people have to move on and be joyous within their own lives and they can't always think of my parents, our pain, our sadness, that is beyond human limitations. I intellectually understand that but it doesn't take away me seeing everyone around me living rather "normal" lives and thinking how badly it sucks how that used to be me (us). I wanted to share my joy with my parents too and now they're gone and nothing anyone can do will ever replace them. I will continue to compare everything, everyone to them and focus on everything that I do not have until one day I accept what happened and be at peace that this is what I was dealt with and that I must let happiness back into my life and let myself be happy for others, sincerely.

I'm attending a seminar later this afternoon on leading with strengths. I took a quiz prior to the session on what my top strengths were and #1 for me was-- communicator.
It read, " you like to explain, to describe, to host, to speak in public, and to write. This is your communication theme at work. Ideas are a dry beginning. Events are static. You feel a need to bring them to life, to energize them, to make them exciting and vivid. And so you turn events into stories and practice telling them".

Yep, that sounds about right.

To happier days ahead....
Melissa

cheers to old friends.

Good friends, good food and good wine......all that was needed for a fantastic weekend that was much needed. This month will always be an even more emotional one so any ounce of distraction I can get,  I will take.  But this was so much more then a distraction. It was a really, really good time. 

The weekend with friends kicked off on Thursday when our friend Eric, who we went to WMU with, arrived to stay with us while in town for recruiting. With Thursday being Mom's birthday, we shared a bottle of wine, toasted to her life, and had some of the birthday cake I had made. We were thrilled he was in town for the weekend..... Then on Friday I picked up my fabulous girlfriend, also a WMU alumni, and her husband. Molly hadn't met Elle yet or ever saw our home so I was super excited to welcome them to Cincy. We grabbed lunch in Hyde Park Square and then headed back to the house so they could unpack and then Mols and I went up to Elle's school to pick her up- she loved her school and it was fun to have my friend along with me to see where Elle spends the majority of her time during the week. She even got to admire her "artwork" displayed around her classroom. 

The rest of the weekend was spent doing some fun things.....my most favorite memory was enjoying an amazing dinner at one of Cincinnati's yummiest restaurants and while it was pricey, it was worth every penny.... from the several bottles of wine and the many toasts to friends to the grilled Cesar salad that I loved to the Boca filet and then to the grand finale when all of us passed around some pretty spectacular desserts to share.....it was so yum. Elle was home with a babysitter, one of her teachers from school, and I felt at ease that she was safe and asleep. I really enjoyed myself.  

Although my picnic at the park lunch was squashed due to some rain, we were able to get a little shopping in around the square and we took Elle to a little butterfly exhibit while the boys caught a Red's game. Then Saturday evening we stayed in, opened up some more wine and Ted cooked us a great meal and finished it off with a homemade molten chocolate cake. It was a great meal to end the weekend with our friends. 

As I was rocking Elle tonight though, I still found myself sad. I have everything else anyone could ever want in life. More then most would ever dream of when I think of my career, home, travels I have been on, dinners I have enjoyed, friends who care, a healthy beautiful daughter and a husband that can cook kick ass meals, I still feel incredibly lonely. I feel a huge hole in my heart and an emptiness that I think I have accepted will always be there. Elle had a great weekend and LOVED the visitors (and the attention) but ended her weekend with a 102 temp and while she'll be fine, I felt like I didn't have anyone to call. Of course I could have called friends and yes, I told my Sister but it's just not the same. I wanted to call my Mom. I want that comfort and unconditional love and care. It's been two years that I haven't been able to pick up that phone to call her or Dad and I have to say, that won't ever get easier. 

I really admire my girlfriend Molly mainly for her independence (how she has started her own life, traditions, and memories in the DC area) and success--but also for her honesty and class. I look forward to more memories with all of my friends who spent the weekend with us and never forgetting the time we have spent together thus far.... all the way back to the days at WMU through today.... We have a lot stored in the memory bank and one of the biggest ways I know to continue honoring my parents lives is making the time to spend with friends. I am proud to say I do this. I may not be the best friend of all times but I know and I feel comfortable within myself- that I always have and always will- make the effort.  I was taught well.  

To Mom on her 53rd birthday

Tomorrow Mom would have turned 53 years old. Still so young and so much more life to live. 

April 7th will always be a painful memory and one very difficult to get through... but her birthday I have nothing but fun, beautiful memories and her last one in particular was probably one of the most special. Funny how things work out that way. I'd call my Dad from Cincinnati to make sure he ordered the food, Christina would be handling the cake and I would handle the invitations, decorations and pictures (of course). I'll never forget calling my Mom on her 50th birthday (little did she know I was already in MI) to wish her a happy birthday and to apologize that I couldn't be in town. She moaned a little and was bummed but maybe she secretly knew I was really coming to celebrate with her. My Dad couldn't keep a secret for anything. I begged him to keep this all a surprise and he did pretty good until the week leading up to the party. She knew there was room full of people waiting to yell surprise as she walked into the party room at their local spot "Boomers" but she didn't know who would actually be there.  My Sister and I, with huge smiles on our faces, held the beautifully lit cake as she walked in with the biggest grin. She was SO excited. Cocktail in hand. And ready to give us all big hugs. Her siblings were there....her nieces and nephews, her Dad, so many friends.....the Close family was there and many of my own good friends like Melissa and Nick also came. My family blended really well with others and we have a lot of good memories that we thankfully all shared together. I know not everyone has this......I know not everyone was this lucky to have the fun we did. Sadly though, there are not may that ever have to encounter this sadness and tragic loss....back on track, Melissa. You can think of their death any other day that you want to but tomorrow you will only think good thoughts......and you will think of the last birthday spent with Mom and you will enjoy that adorable little pink cake you baked for her (if I do say so myself) and have a toast to a beautiful person inside and out, my Mommy, my best friend. 

To my Mommy on her 53rd birthday. I miss you more then anyone will ever know or understand. I owe everything to you. You are the reason I am here today. 

I wish I could squeeze you like I used to and then at the end I would always try to pick you up. Gosh I hope I have this relationship with Elle. Yeah I was a pain in the ass a lot of the times but when we had fun, we had a lot fun.......

Pictures posted are from the last birthday we shared with Mom (I haven't seen that face on me in forever. I was so happy in that given moment) and a picture of a cake that I just baked tonight in her memory. 

All my love, 

Melissa 

The dock

Maybe a new place to reflect, remember, a place to toast to friends, life, my Mom and Dad and to all the people we enjoy to be around. If you're on this dock with us, you are likely a dear friend or family member and we will share memories here. Come visit this Summer. 

This weekend I had the opportunity to watch Ted, his Dad, Matt, and our dear friend Josh (also known as the "project manager"), add on to my Dad's dock. They put in a post to mount the plaque that will go up once it arrives and while it will be hard to see their names on anything and we will continue missing them, I definitely know if they are truly watching us from up above how very proud they are. The hard part for me is knowing for certain how much they would have wanted to party on this dock right along with us.....they loved to have a good time.  

Thank you for continuing to instill in me what matters most in life. Spending time with good friends and family and having fun......this dock will be a place dedicated to your "more the merrier" mentality. Thank you. 

opening time

The weather has been beautiful lately; so warm for April.....I picked up Elle yesterday from daycare and I got to see her outside for the first time, normally they go out during the day not toward the end of it. I snuck out there and one of her teachers directed me to the area she was playing in. She was with 2 little boys and they were in this little play house trying to climb up on the little bench and she was smiling and laughing but the very second she saw me she ran so fast toward me with her arms up in the air. She loves when I pick her up and give her a big kiss and then I am not allowed to put her down. Then she immediately does the sign for "please" and wants a snack out of her school bag. So as I am packing her up, I give her one of her little snacks and water.....I remember that first week dropping her off at daycare. It was tough, I was really concerned and I was sad she had to go there. Now, I couldn't imagine anything different. I love that she goes to daycare and is surrounded by other kids. She has so much more fun and learns more then I could ever teach her at home. Yeah, the colds here and there stink and the other stuff that gets passed around...(winters are tough) but the overall experience she is getting will prepare her for her future and onto real school one day. I still have my worries...if they're offering her water enough with her sippy cup, is she safe, etc.. but for the most part I have learned to ask the questions and so far, we have been pretty pleased since moving to this new classroom. Hard to believe Elle is now the oldest in her room. Seems like yesterday, in January, when she was the youngest. The fears I had about the bottle transition, real food and napping on a strict schedule.....and now she is doing just fine with all of it.

Elle and I will head back to MI this weekend so I can meet ted up at the lake to open up my parent's place in Harrison. It's that time again and we want to have it ready for May as Ted is hosting his brother's bachelor party up there. We've been throwing around ideas of something we could do to honor my parents up there...and planting a tree wasn't good enough. So, with the help of our best friend Josh, the boys are building onto my Dad's current boat dock and adding about 12 feet so we can turn it into a sitting place. I envision a place we can sit together and get some sun, drink a beer, and to remember how much my parents enjoyed hosting their family and friends up at the lake. They were stress-free when up there. It was something about the air. I wish I had gotten up there more the last few years, they loved it when we all got up there. I'm looking forward to this new addition to the house and I have ordered a cedar plaque that is pictured above that will be proudly mounted on the dock once completed. It will continue to be heartbreaking for me to be up there without them-especially when I see this sign with their names on it. We're kids trying to run this place and we all just miss them so much and we're so aware they're missing. It's so quiet and I still get shocked when I am up there and close my eyes and realize, wow, they are gone and they left this place behind. They only got to enjoy it for 10 years. Dad never got to build his dream basement as he was planning to do......so much left in life they wanted to do, see and complete. I'll head up there tomorrow to clean, dust and organize...get the towels and linens washed and enjoy some wine by the fire with the boys. Elle will enjoy a night back in MI with Gramma Close.....I am sure she has new clothes and new toys waiting....

Melissa

ZOO

The cycle continues and as I was on my walk with Elle this morning on this very beautiful day, I couldn't believe just two years ago, my parents were laid to rest.

 2 caskets. It was such a blur, I was in shock the entire time, actually, for the first two weeks. I shed very little tears that first week. I couldn't. It wasn't real yet. When I first walked in and saw my parents lying in caskets, I was hysterical but in a could barely breathe kind of way. It was so incredibly surreal to see your parents in that condition when you just spoke to them days earlier and they were happy and life was normal. I remember every detail of the day of the funeral. I was incredibly nervous and my stomach was very upset, I was shaking. I would not cry at the funeral and while I didn't write one note to rehearse my eulogy, it came out fine. I mean, c'mon, how can you possibly sum up in 5 minutes what your parents meant to you and your family when I couldn't have felt a knife go through my chest at that point. It went okay. The real sadness came on the way back to Cincinnati after I simply left all the troubles behind in Allen Park. Two weeks later I was driving down Edwards and about to turn onto 71 south and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was screaming Mommy and balling hysterical for a good 15 minutes. I actually could feel the sadness, I could feel the pit in my stomach and then it all began........the constant missing them and here we are today, still missing them just as much, but I have learned how to cope with the sadness. I will say that is the only difference. I'm still learning though....I don't cope well with certain things and I am seeing another therapist very soon. But I will set my expectations very low.....and I know with all of my heart that anyone I personally know would be handling this huge loss very similar to me. It's hard. I'm tired of being sad and moping around and thinking of how my parents died. It's so draining to miss two people so badly and to think how badly they would want to be here to see us, meet Elle and to watch their Aydan grow.  They are missing out and it kills me. I think that is why I am so sensitive about everything cause I think, oh my gosh, my folks would love more then anything to be here today. 

I knew I had to do something today outside of shopping and my normal walks with Elle (and cleaning and organizing).....we decided to get a Summer pass to the Cincinnati Zoo and try it out for the first time. Elle enjoyed herself and loved calling all of the new animals, "dogs". Everything is a Gracie to her. She sure is growing fast and laughs really loud ...and kisses us (puckers up and everything), hugs and kisses Gracie and loves stuffed animals......I am sure I will say this again, but Ted and I both agree, 14 months is our favorite stage thus far. (and she like sleeps and stuff....which allows us to drink wine on our porch and have our neighbors come over for a chat). Love it. 

Rest in peace Mom and Dad.......we love you so much and miss the fun you would bring to any room, any occasion. 

2 years gone by

A lot of tears were cried today as I relived this nightmare that happened to my family, my beautiful parents, two years ago.... I stayed home today. My manager was really supportive about it. I may never go into that office again on this day. I keep my spirits up at work even when I'm down but on the actual day, there's no faking it. I am 100% devastated. Every day this tragedy effects me in someway and I think about my Mom and Dad every hour. Whether it's wanting to call my Mom at work to chat, or to tell her about something new Elle has done or to call her when I am having a bad day to complain. I miss them visiting Cincinnati. It breaks my heart so much. 

I met my manager for a glass of wine and to toast my folks, I went for a run, read through the thoughtful words on facebook regarding my parents and their memory. I loved hearing from some of my Parent's friends from the lake. They knew my parents since before I was born. They are missed by so many. I thought of my brother today and how he might be facing the day. We ALL miss them terribly and it continues to be challenging facing the world without them. I feel like we're all still so young and need their guidance, even if I am 30 years old. I need my Mom and Dad and I sure know my sister and brother need them too. 

I so appreciate the words I've received, phone calls, text messages, posts on facebook, emails (even from strangers who think of my family and read this blog), and for the flowers. I also deeply thank the people out there who aren't afraid to say something and have committed to being a life long friend/family member and supporter after dealing with such a tragic loss. It's the people that continue to stick by you, not just today, and help you keep their memory alive is who I want to surround myself with for the rest of my life.  Yeah, you're feelings get hurt. You have expectations that will never be met but I am greatfull for the special people that have helped me get through these two years.....especially Ted and now my daughter...

 

My parents were really good people and there's a lot of people who loved them out there and I know for fact today and for many years to come,  they'll be missing my Mom and Dad. 

Today is a tough day, this week is even tougher and this month doesn't get any better....and nothing I want to do to honor their lives ever seems good enough. But I'm working on a project I will hopefully be able to share in a few months and Ted has plans later this month to start adding to my Dad's current boat dock and making it a dock where we can gather, sit and hang out, in their honor....we're doing the best we can. 

In loving memory of my amazing parents who died so tragically, so young and I continue to be heartbroken but no one can ever take the memories away that our family and friends have shared with you. You remain in our hearts every day. I love and miss you so much. 

To all of our family and friends, thanks for continuing to come along on this journey of healing with my Sister and I and remembering my Mom and Dad...always and forever. 

Melissa

Goodbye, Brandy

She wasn't just any dog, she was my parent's dog. Brandy lived a great, spoiled life. There is no question about that....and her time was up, heck, she was almost 13 years old. But it couldn't have happened at a worse time.

This week....the week leading up to my parents death, which is tomorrow. 2 years they have been gone. Brandy was their baby and was there that day, sitting on the porch, loving life, watching the cars go by and enjoying the warmer weather. I'm sure Dad took her on the classic 5 minute walk that day.

Brandy loved the lake more then anything. Yeah, mom had to give her tranquilizers just to make it through the drive but once she was at the lake, she was in heaven. The first trip we made up to the lake after my parents death, Brandy sat on the end of the doc and stared for a good hour. She knew they were missing. I think she too was looking for peace...or waiting for my Mom and Dad to appear on the dock and take her for a spin around Half moon lake, she loved the boat. I still can't believe she was there that day. She saw it all. I can only imagine how frightened she was. The loud noise and seeing my parents, her owners, on the ground. Lifeless. It's a devastating picture to imagine. This has all just been one big nightmare and while I am trying to think maybe this is a sign that they were ready for Brandy and wanted the burden lifted from my Sister, it's hard to think that way. Who knows but I'm sad that it happened this week......terrible timing........dogs bring us a lot of joy, they die, we understand this. But this dog had a bigger meaning behind her. She was mom and dad's dog.....

We'll miss you stinky spoiled dog. Oh how my Mother would be crying her eyes out today and for many days to come. Now my Sister is left with more sadness.......

Goodbye to another piece of our family, childhood and memories of my parents life.

Easter 2010

The sadness and pain will never go away; thank god for my little family. 

I cried and smiled and loved having family to our home, oh how they would have enjoyed this weekend. 

My favorite memories of this weekend....in no particular order

• Easter egg hunt for Aydan and Elle, Aydan won of course. He has such an eye for eggs filled with money
• My Aunt and Uncle arriving and making it up our narrow driveway (without scrapping this time) and unloading everything-- but the kitchen sink. As us polish say, if you don't have leftovers then we didn't make enough 
• My nephew arriving with my Sister and Matt late Friday night and seeing how excited he was to have the upstairs room....Ted hooks up play station for him.
• Getting fitted for new running shoes with my Uncle at a running shoe boutique we are fond of; he treated again......I committed to at minimum a mile a day. I can do this. Thanks again....
• Watching my Aunt take over the kitchen; reminded me of Dad. (except she doesn't yell to get out of the kitchen, she just asks for things that I don't have...like a tablespoon 
• Dinnertime Saturday night, I took a deep breathe.....they weren't here again...we miss them so much......
• Talking with my Aunt...she is one of very few people that knows how I really feel. She's worried. We're both such worriers anyway. There were some tears...
• Seeing Elle and Aydan's faces as they walked into the dining room to the covered table filled with Easter baskets, gifts and treats. My Sister goes overboard on Easter (like my Mom did for us as children growing up..) and my Aunt, well, Easter is her most favorite Holiday. 
• Taking a few mile walk with Elle and my Aunt Saturday morning and then my walk with Ted and Elle on Sunday.....I love long walks; my Aunt and I did hills though...it was a nice workout
• Ending my evening talking with one of my most wonderful friends on skype; she got a kick out of miss Elle....I so appreciate her thinking of me; sorry again for the voicemail with tears

I am thankful we have family that took time out of their busy life to make the drive and to be with us. It's an even tougher time of the year for my Family; I loved having them here...but I still end Easter Sunday with a sad heart but I know Elle enjoyed her weekend very much....and I think everyone else enjoyed themselves. 

Happy Easter Mom and Dad, we miss you so much and we will never forget spending Easter with your smiling faces two years ago. It will remain in our hearts forever.....

All my love, 

Melissa

Hyde Park square

April makes me even more sad.....but we smiled as we were out to dinner tonight with Elle Bell. We went to Arthurs, where my dad liked to go as his "local spot". We also shared dinner with my Parents here on their last  visit to Cincinnati .... It was 80 and sunny and Elle really enjoyed people watching and the little bit of ice cream Daddy shared with her after dinner. 

Looking forward to seeing my Family Friday evening and to simply have family around us...