the holiday spirit

And, here we are again. The Holidays. I am once again saddened that I feel this way...

 I remember the excitement deep in my heart when the Holidays were near...calling my Mom even more frequently about the family gift exchange, the weekend plans, discussing her cheesecake making, talking to the Close's about Christmas eve excited to get all the siblings together, making plans to have them visit my parent's Christmas dinner...I can only imagine how the Holidays would be now with having all the grand-babies in the picture beyond Aydan. It just makes it so hard to go back to MI, to let go, and to have fun in a way that is so outside of what you were used to, what you had envisioned all  your life what your Holidays would be like with your own family. I feel stuck, disappointed and angry. You're expectations are heightened...and you are let down so much easier. Ted's brother and sister-in-law are not coming over Thanksgiving. Some would say this is no big deal. This hurt. Surely it's their choice....but I guess we were taken back. To us, we're bothered....we live out of state, we make the hike back with our kids to be around our family and we want to see them.... we crave togetherness and having the small family we do have together. I was taken back. It all goes back to the loss. I think, if my parents were alive, I wouldn't notice as much. I am positive if Mom and Dad were alive they'd be joining us at the Close's for Thanksgiving and it wouldn't be as noticeable if someone couldn't make it. We started doing some of our Holidays together a few years before my parents passed as  it was so important to Ted and I (long before kids and my parents dying) that we are all together and that we didn't have to choose. I know that would have continued long into the future...I guess my heart aches when I focus on what could have been and the unfairness of it all. But I know that negative energy is not good...I do have my beautiful kids and my Sister and nephew that will be together at Ted's parents. Ted and I have just had a lot of baggage lately, my brother is not doing well, it's hard to not worry about my Sister as she is studying her butt off to get through RN school as a single Mom with no health insurance...I worry constantly and it wears on my relationship with Ted. I know my parents would be sad about this...they would be so bummed I have this burden. But to me, it's my responsibility or who else will worry about them?

I just want to go back to MI to see our family and watch the cousins play, shop, go for a run out in the cold, eat a great meal and feel thankful for what I do have. But it's so hard...there is still so much anger, sadness and disappointment that I try to fight every day. I will see Justin on Friday. I mean, I am thankful he is in a safe place but he is struggling right now in there. His mind is playing tricks on him again and I am very worried about him and feel so sad that he will be alone on Thanksgiving and we're unable to even bring him a nice meal this time. He will be eating prison food. This kills me. There is so just so much to think about....

I just pray there are moments of joy, thankfulness and spirit throughout the Holiday Season...I am so grateful for many things between the kids, our careers, my sister and her tenacity, my rockstar aydan....our friends....and so much more.....we are blessed in ways others couldn't even imagine...but the sad stuff is really sad....and hard for many to even understand or relate to. And, I have to remember that. They just don't know...

I've been doing some shopping...took my Harry out both Saturday and Sunday in my attempt to "get into the spirit"...buying gifts for others is so much fun, and I need to be thinking of what homemade gift we'll make for our family in honor of my Mom again. Elle and I put cookie jars together for everyone with a picture of Mom and one of her recipes last year. It meant a lot to us to give those out to keep her love for baking and her beautiful Holiday spirit that she shared with so many..alive....
I look forward to seeing friends, baking with the kids, seeing Santa, attending work Holiday parties....I just miss that deep down joy. That joy I once had.

I miss my family. It's just that simple. And I just want to go home for the holidays to share these beautiful babies I now have.......Elle and Harry are the loves of my life.

All my love and hope,
Melissa