4 years.

You've been gone for 4 years. So much time has passed, Mom and Dad. I have children now-do you believe it? I've changed positions several times, Ted no longer has all of those samples you used to take home since he switched companies, Christina is a nursing student, and Aydan is an all-star athlete in the 2nd grade, Grandpa's health is good...he continues to travel to FL for the Winter and we see him often. I can't believe you have missed all this?

I get glimpses of what life would be like if our family was back together and how it would feel to have a Mom and Dad and to have a "home" to go back to. I miss that sense of security and after a really good therapy session today we got to the bottom of some of my expectations of others & disappointment in some. It comes down to my sense of security being lost and the closeness I shared with my Mother causes me to have a major void and I look to fill that closeness and value connectedness very strongly even though others may not. Of course I understand not all people are like me but after you go through a tragedy, trust me....many things that you never would have thought of become clear and it sucks. You think, look, and feel everything....to a fault.

Nonetheless the anniversary of your death was a beautiful sunny day. Christina, Aydan and Cindy were in town and with some of our friends, we all walked throughout Hyde Park in honor of your memory - we ended in the square at a little wine shop for a champagne toast and some food and my most favorite part of the afternoon was watching the kids letting go balloons (in red and blue) and watching them float up into the sky toward the clouds....off to heaven. I hope they made it to you. I have no idea if you can really see us down here. Sometimes I hope you cannot because I think you would be sad. Other times I pray you do see us and that sadness isn't possible and you only feel happy thoughts and are proud of what you do see.

I'm still so dang sad that you are gone but I continue to live my life, with some struggles but moving forward regardless...we have such great friends, fabulous summer vacations planned this year, lots of visitors this month which is exciting and fun with the kids....Elle started soccer last weekend.....OK, so she inherited some speed from your daughter. Yah me, hello.....we had no idea she could run like that and kick a ball. It was so cute. And, your sweet, innocent grandson Harry has turned a little feisty on me. He is going to be a mover and shaker I think. I originally was thinking he was going to be laid back like the two of you but I am not too sure now.

Well, I love you both with all of my heart and your Family and friends miss you so much. I would do anything to bring you back and to get a sign that you're OK and happy. My heart will forever ache for the way you died but I am so proud of the resiliency of this Family. I know some of us are struggling more than others. I continue to hope for the best and I'll still try to do my best to keep the family together like you both always did. It's hard though...I'm realizing our gift of togetherness is not something everyone values but I know it's something that is natural for us. I will continue to pray for peace in all of our hearts...I hope your happy and together and not sad that we're sad....we'll be OK, we just miss you so much but know one day we will see you again...

All my love,

Melissa