My new toy

Other than coming to terms with spending Christmas without my parents, Christmas was very good to me. Ted decided to spoil me and give me lots to do on my maternity leave. My latest toy is my computer that he picked out. I finally have a desktop of my own as opposed to a work lab top. Main reason for getting a MAC is all of the photo capabilities and we all know how much I love my photos.... With a new camera, new computer oh and a new baby on the way, I will have plenty to do during my 3 month leave. Gosh how my family and friends will be so annoyed of the overflow of pictures they are about to receive... But I must continue my Mom's love for pictures. She documented every year of her life, our life....and the pictures she has left behind have helped me a great deal. They've taken me back and allowed me to reflect on the wonderful times, not just the sad ending.  I've said this before, but Mom printed pictures immediately. If I took good ones on my camera while visiting, she'd make me drive her up to Target so I would get them printed for her. Then she usually made a little album or scrapbook.  

I went out yesterday and picked out this perfect little desk and chair from West Elm, which fits perfectly in our guest bedroom. Decided it would be best to keep my desk separate from Ted's office. Plus it's such a small footprint, it will be nice to have for guests when they stay with us. And we hope to have lots of guests this upcoming year. 

If anyone is a whiz out there on Mac computers, let me know! I would love to become a pro at this and take advantage of all it has to offer. 

Today I went to my weekly doctors appointment and everything is fine. I'm dilated a centimeter and she has dropped but we're hoping she stays in there for another 4 weeks! We'll see......

Tomorrow is New Years Eve, another one of Mom and Dad's favorite celebrations. Always celebrated in Harrison, MI. Ted and I have spent a few NYE's up-north, the millennium was actually spent with just Ted and I along with my brother while my parents attended their annual party. Then one year recently, our friends Melissa and Nick came up with us and we had a great time. My parents took us around to all the local bars and we ended with a fun dinner and champagne back at the house. 

This year has certainly flew by and I couldn't be happier to say good-bye to 2008. However, it also means the last time I saw my parents is becoming further and further away....sooner or later, it will be an entire year that has gone by....that's hard to swallow. 

I'm okay

So I survived Christmas. "big deal" I say to myself. One Christmas....I still have many, many more to get through as the years go on. Each of them, I will wish they were here.

Of course I was okay being surrounded by other family and friends, of course I was okay eating wonderful food, of course I was okay watching Aydan and Christina open their presents, of course I was okay on the party bus for Ted's surprise 30th birthday party, and of course I was okay being spoiled by everyone with all of the wonderful, generous gifts I received but I was not okay when I would catch a glimpse of the photo my Sister had on her counter of Mom and Dad with her angel ornament hanging on the corner. I was not okay during Christmas eve mass when everyone was singing Christmas Carols and being thankful they were together with their loved ones, I was not okay making the drive through Allen Park Christmas morning only to pass by their street and continued on our way to Wyandotte to see Grandpa. And I was not okay when I got back to Cincinnati today after a week with family and friends...only to realize the sadness is still there. They're still gone forever and I have to continue to celebrate these Holidays without them. I write I was not okay, where I should just say, I was just really bummed. Of course I'm okay...I'm here, I'm healthy, I laugh and smile and eat lots of chocolate, but I swear you'd never know I was almost 30 years old the way I can cry for my Mother (and Dad too..of course). I was upstairs a few hours ago just crying, "I miss my Mommy". Ted and Gracie came to the rescue but it's amazing to me how I've been so independent since graduating from College-many moves-new homes-new positions-new friends- yet was still such a Mommy's girl. I'm still that person...especially now with having a child of my own on the way, I want my my Mommy.

Your own Mother never judges, will listen to anything and everything and will be there anytime day or night. My Sister and I were too young to lose this. And tonight, I'm just bummed. We'll go on of course, we have no choice. We'll succeed and continue to cherish the relationships we have with our dear family and friends, but our hearts will continue to ache for our parents. We just really, really miss them and not time or a miracle will ever make that go away.

Thank you to my Family and friends for surrounding me this Christmas with love and laughter. The cards, emails, phone calls, text messages and hugs were so appreciated.

Now for another week off of work which will be filled with preparation for the Baby's ARRIVAL! It's hard to believe it could happen any day even though my due date is 4 week away......

I pray Mom and Dad that you continue to watch over me and are proud of my strength as we all await for miss E.P.C to arrive.....I'm so sorry you are missing this but hopefully you are getting glimpses. I hope, hope, hope..........and pray, pray, pray.......

Me and Grandpa Olszowy on Christmas Day:

A different celebration

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow........Michigan has plenty of it so a White Christmas is not something anyone will be dreaming of or wishing for...as we got it. We will officially have a White Christmas. (Mom wouldn't want it any other way.....Dad would have huffed due to the shoveling involved at both his house and his Dad's)..

So I've gotten into the spirit as best as possible. I've shopped (a lot), wrapped presents, listened to Christmas music and even decorated Christmas cookies. All while still feeling the absence of my parents around or to call or to visit....

It's just not the same. The second I think I am having a really nice time, all I do is think of them and the hurt and sadness comes instantly.

Ted's 30th surprise birthday went off without a hitch on Saturday. He walked into his parents house to a kitchen filled with his friends, food, cake and a champagne toast read by Josh. We took off in a 20 person party bus with a 225 picture slide show of Ted, family and friends. I of course had a bunch of him with Mom or Dad that were included. I played it to some special music and everyone seemed to enjoy the photos. It's amazing the photos Ted and I have from all of our adventures since being married.

Tomorrow, my Sister is hosting a Christmas Eve brunch with Ted and I along with Ted's parents and his brother Tom. I cannot wait to spoil Christina and Aydan with gifts even though we said this would be a light Christmas. I just want to see the smiles on their faces so it's worth it to me.
I know gifts are not what Christmas is about at all, especially in a year such as this. But I have to say, my Sister and I have inherited the love for giving (and receiving-haha) from my Mother. So that is all we know....

In the evening, we will go to 5 o'clock mass and then back to the Close's with his immediate family, Aunt Mary, Melissa and Nick. We'll enjoy a fabulous dinner cooked by Cindy; Filet and Lobster Tail and then we'll settle by the fire and tree for some of the gift exchanging. Christmas day we'll wake up to Monkey Bread and a living room so filled with gifts that you can barely walk. I would normally head out to Mom and Dad's to help them get ready for the Christmas dinner and party, but this year Ted and I will head to Grandpa's like I did growing up. A different schedule, different traditions....a different Christmas...

I hope everyone enjoys Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with their families and friends.

Thank you for your continued prayers and thoughts for my Mom, Dad, brother an our entire family.

Merry Christmas Mom, Dad and Justin. I love you all and miss you more then you will ever know........

A Merry Christmas....

Well, it's time....it's time for me to head back to Michigan, to celebrate Christmas. An entirely different Christmas spent without Mom and Dad. It definitely doesn't feel the same. Wow, how so much has changed since last year. I couldn't wait for the day that it was time to head home for the Holidays. Now, it just makes me sad to think of what lies ahead in the next week. I know my Mom's Dad is dreading Christmas but he would he never say a word to us. His Patty would go with him to do all of his Christmas shopping. Grandpa even had to call me today to ask what size Aydan wore. It was almost difficult to answer him as I know it's a struggle for him to even ask me those questions as we both know we'd never even have this conversation if Mom was still here.

We'll all put our smiling faces on for Christmas Day at Aunt Kim's and we'll hug each other a little tighter, missing the sounds of their laughter and the taste of their food and mainly their presence in our lives. I must sound so repetitive, but it still seems so surreal to me that they won't be there.

I do have a lot to look forward to over the next two weeks. First off, I am so lucky my company shuts down (yeah for a privately owned family company!) for 2 weeks. We have the annual Christmas party planned for Saturday with our best pals, dinner with College girlfriends, Christmas Eve brunch at Christina and Matt's, watching Aydan open up presents, the traditional Christmas eve mass and dinner at Ted's parents with his family and our friends Mel and Nick, waking up at the Close's Christmas morning, Christmas lunch with Grandpa Olszowy, Cousin Jessica, Uncle Stan and Aunt Linda and Christmas dinner at Aunt Kim's with all of Mom's immediate family (we'll miss you Aunt Lisa!).

I probably won't get through Silent night at church (usually my favorite Christmas Carol especially when they dim the lights) without tears for my parents and my brother as he sits alone waiting for the cart to come by with his dinner. All I can do is pray for peace and have hope that the new year will bring some closure when my brother is placed and great happiness when the little one arrives.

In loving memory of my Mother and Father who are missed everyday. Merry Christmas Mommy and Dad, the first without you.........help us get through it-wow, you'll be missed. Let's remember last year.......you loved the comfy robe I got you, we surprised Dad with the flat screen TV, we made our Egg Nog Martini's Christmas evening and played cards while I belted out Christmas songs to make you laugh....

My family:
Papa and Aydan:

Mom and Missy-in our red and green

Christina and Mom at Christmas eve brunch:

Gracie the red nose bulldog

last thoughts

I wondered today what my Mom and Dad's last thoughts were before they took their last breath. Thankfully my Dad probably didn't have any since there was no time, but I do hope he had glimpses of his short, yet wonderful 51 years with his friends, family and 3 children and wasn't able to focus on one of his own children, who he cared for all of his life, was the one who ended it all.

Mom on the other hand had over an hour to think. I know my Mom well and it was a sad hour. I think she was probably thinking how will my girls go on? They're so young, Christina needs my help with Aydan and Melissa-she is so independent yet more of a Mommy's girl than a 5 year old. Who will she call 5 times a day? Who will she cry and laugh too? Oh my god and who will walk Christina down the aisle? Who will take care of my Dad and Jerome's Dad? Who will take Brandy? Will our family keep in touch with my girls-will they have no one?

My Mom was such a loving and caring individual and she cried over everything, so I know for a fact if there could be tears where she is at, she would cry right with us.

Although, I think all of those thoughts went through my Mom's mind as she began to die, I actually hope they didn't. I hope there were no worries about Christina and I because if she did have time to think about us and Aydan and her family, that would have been worst torture then what she had just experienced. The worst thought for me would be knowing they knew their own Son who lived with them for 26 years did this. Mom was Justin's best friend. It has to be a mistake she would think to herself.

What happened is so unbearable you find yourself replaying it over and over and over and picturing how you yourself would handle this if you left your children behind parent-less. Even on happy days when everything else is actually going quite perfectly. A dark cloud comes over and reminds you of what has happened this year and that you cannot pick up the phone to call your Mom, Dad or Brother because they are gone.........two have went to somewhere wonderful and peaceful I pray and one is basically living in "hell on earth" right now... if there is such a place.

If you can worry where ever you are, I hope you don't about Christina and I. I know we will be "okay", never perfect or as happy as we could have been, but we will somehow manage to move forward, missing you every step of the way on our journey, our new life... without you in it, saying "wish you were here" for every major milestone to come and actually, any regular day. But you'll always be incorporated into our lives and I can tell you one thing that's for certain, my daughter will know exactly who the two of you are and they will know who Justin is too, even if it's just through family videos, pictures and stories.

Sure the story at the end will sadden her and make her question everything, but the story I tell her about the 28 years that I did have with you both, will make her smile and say, "now it all makes sense... why you're the Mom you are". (I sure hope....)

Love always,

your daughter

I miss them

I feel badly for how I used to judge depression. When I would talk to my Mom about it if she was talking about a friend or family member who was suffering from it, I would be really insensitive. "why don't they try working out, or a new hobby before turning to meds?" How can they be so sad and depressed?

I wouldn't say I'm suffering from depression, but if there were a disease for missing two people so much, I clearly would be diagnosed. I've missed people before and I miss people now; friends and family when we lived further than 4 hours away and still miss my family and friends no matter what the distance is, Ted if he is traveling over a few days, Gracie girl-when Ted and I go on vacation and leave her with his parents but never have missed anyone this badly-due to a death. And missing someone that is gone is really difficult because you feel there is no end in sight. They aren't coming home, you don't get to see them when they get back from vacation and you certainly don't get to talk to them again, at least in this current lifetime.

Parents come up constantly, especially when you're pregnant. At the Christmas party we attended last night, we met a couple's parents that we've gotten to know through our neighbors. The parents were really sweet and asking so many questions about the upcoming arrival but of course, asking me how excited are my parents? And what are my plans for the Holidays? Where do my parents live? Where do Ted's parents live? You basically have to lie or try your best to change the subject. You certainly cannot belt out in the middle of the Christmas party, "my parents were killed in April by my brother so I know longer have parents". That would have went over well. Great conversation starter or end-er I should I say.
I'm just so sad, jealous, angry that "my moments and memories" are done with my parents. Everything from April on of this year excludes them. I'm still so young and my Sister is even younger. My Mom's Mom died in her very early 50's as well, in April too, but like I said my Mom had us all quite early so all of us kids spent many years with Grandma. Many Christmases, many sleepovers, many memories. Her Mom at least got to meet all of us and know us very well. Same with my Dad's Mom, we got to spend many years with her as we were younger.

I just miss them, I could yell it so loud...type it 1,000 times, cry my little eyes out, tell everyone I know........but it doesn't change a thing.

Ted never got to meet his Dad's Dad and didn't spend a ton of time with his Mom's parents so I know he was so excited that we would one day have two sets of Grandparents who knew what it meant to be a grandparent and were close enough in distance to be a huge part of their lives. They were young and weren't going anywhere anytime soon. No MS, or Diabetes, or Cancer or old age, we would have two sets of amazing grandparents for our kids one day. We never in a million years thought my young, loving parents who were just mastering the grandparent skills-just being themselves, would be gone when it was time for me to be pregnant with our first.

To not be able to share your beautiful child with your parents, who you loved so much and were so close with, is about one of the worst scenarios I can think of. I know I cannot wait to meet this little girl, but I can just hear my Mom's excitement when I close my eyes as I near my due date, and can also hear Dad yelling in the background, "I hope she gives you as much shit as you gave us!...but...we loved you anyway Melissa whiner". It hurts, it stabs you in the heart, but... you think of the good- the wonderful family and friends you still have and have always had- but will I set my expectations too high? Will I always compare? What it could have been like, what it should have been like? I sure hope not.....as that is not fair to anyone.....

a clean house and a Christmas party

Our new cleaning lady is coming today. We've only had the house cleaned once professionally and it honestly, was the nicest thing ever. Everything was spotless from the moldings that you generally would clean once a year to the sink being sparkly to the showers being 100% cleaned not just spot cleaned how I usually would do it. I actually don't mind cleaning again ever since I came back from my 4 month hiatus of anything normal... but with the baby coming, we want the house really clean and to take something off our plates.

Last night was date night. We usually are the first to make plans around lunchtime on Friday to see who is available for dinner. But last night we went to the bookstore to pick up a few more gifts and made reservations for two at a nice Italian restaurant, Bella Luna. Just Ted and I. But I made a mistake and ate way too much. When your pregnant, there is not as much room in there but I still eat like I normally would. Appetizer, Salad, homemade gnocchi, decaf cappuccino, and of course, dessert.....I literally waddled out of the restaurant, un-buttoning my maternity jeans when I sat in the driver seat. I must have said, "I'm so full" until about 11 at night. Big mistake and I need to learn how to eat smaller portions more frequently!

We have our first Christmas party at our neighbors house across the street tonight. I'm planning to go over there to help her cook and get ready for the party later this afternoon. She is also expecting, which is going to be so much fun and I know when I was early on in my pregnancy- you're a little more tired then usual. She is due in the beginning of June so I cannot wait to be stroller buddies with her! They knew my Dad and Mom from visiting us in Cincinnati. My Dad would always yell over hello and wave as they took their dog out, as Dad was watering the lawn or what not. They also hung out on the porch with my Mom and Dad one night pretty late, so late that I even took off for sleep. And it was my 28th birthday! They were so much fun and just got along with everyone. I really miss that.

So back to this bookstore....Joesph-Beth Bookstore is a classic in the Cincinnati area. It is locally owned and blows away Borders by a long shot. I could have spent hours in there but Ted was rushing me. I could have found a gift for everyone on my list (how boring they would think-books?) but there was a book for everyone! The cook, the dog lover, the mom, the traveler, grandparents.....there was just so many. And the gifts they had there were adorable; Christmas decor, journals, photo books, and the cards were out of this world and I was regretting not getting my yearly Christmas cards from there. I think I'll go back there tomorrow and spend some time in that place. We did buy Aydan this really cool book, "12 dogs for Christmas" that is also a touch and feel book where parts are fuzzy or soft and some dogs you can feel their nose. They of course had an English Bulldog puppy as one of the dogs so it was an instant purchase for me.

I'm looking forward to turning my Christmas tree lights on in my clean house tonight and to head across the street for a festive night of food, non-alcoholic spirits, friends and a little karaoke. Oh yes, they rent a karaoke machine. The Christmas season is officially here whether I want it to be or not.....

my brother

I limit how much I talk about Justin on my blog for legal and privacy reasons, but it's hard to not write about it because it's on my mind constantly. Especially now with the trial approaching.

I want him safe but placed somewhere for a very long time-life is such a strong word and a hard one for me to write. There are no guarantees. He was not in his right mind and doctors may feel they can rehabilitate him. My Parents were his caretakers and the two people that loved him the most, and they are now gone. I worry about what will happen, where he will go should he get out in 2, 5, 25, 30 years. My family has suffered enough and you would think that part of the equation would just be taken care of but I have a feeling, my Sister and I will be dealing with this for the rest of our lives.

It's tough because everyone has their own opinions about the situation and what would best for our safety. But I know for a fact my Sister and I don't have the heart to cut all ties where ever he is placed, so there are just so many unknowns. If he did this in his right mind, it would be a lot easier to say good-bye. No one knows what it's like when you're dealing with your own flesh and blood being responsible for the death of your parents. It's an indescribable feeling... it brings you to tears when you look at photos when this child was first born as Mom held him. The happiness he brought. Him and I riding a bike together. Justin on Dad's shoulders at a ball game. Justin and his many football and baseball team photos. Reading through his middle school report cards, "a shy but very bright student" his one teacher commented. And then pictures from last Christmas. Everything was fine. I even had him try a few sips of a Mimosa at Christmas Eve brunch. Justin didn't drink. Of course, like every teenager, he went through a phase and that was that.

Unfortunately, this case has brought me to one single opinion....I hate medications-they scare me now and I believe, the cause of this tragedy was too many, too little or not the right amount of whatever medications he was on or getting off of. My parents weren't experts, either was I. I would give them advice when I would call but what right did I have? I had no idea the risks, side effects and mind games that come along with these scary drugs.

I want my Sister and I to be able to live our lives, but I cannot pretend my brother does not exist and that the State will just care for him for life. It's not that easy and not at all true or a sure thing. We love my brother and I feel like my Mom and Dad are saying to me, "keep him safe" but I know many others are hearing Mom and Dad say "keep him away". Money plays into this too. For him to be cared for in a medical facility for life is very expensive to a State so if they can rehabilitate him and have him released, why wouldn't that be their goal?

It's too much to think about right now. Let's get through Christmas, let's get through the trial, let me have a healthy baby in the middle of this, then let's worry about the future.

One day at a time is how we need to approach this.....but it's easier said then done.

I am thankful for the continued prayers for my Family, my brother included.

Missy and Me

Mom and Dad came down to Cincinnati for the very last time in February-I wish I would have known it was going to be their last visit ever. I am still in shock that a little over a month and 1/2 after their visit, they were gone.

I loved when they came down even though I drove them crazy with my freezing house and the comments of "take your shoes off" and my constant cleaning. How I regret being annoying to them, but I think they knew that was just their daughter. Mom and Dad came in and made themselves at home. They knew where the grocery store was and would buy a few things since our fridge was generally empty. They'd drive to Kentucky to add a bottle of Wine to our empty wine cooler that we "had to have" and Dad would fill our ice trays which for those that know my Dad, a pet peeve of his was empty ice trays. They would yell "gross" as they opened up our fridge and found interesting things in the way back that had been left in the fridge for too long. But they weren't those overbearing type of parents that came to visit to pick at everything you were doing wrong. They were so much fun and were more like friends now that Ted and I had been married for a while, clearly were 100% independent and frankly, didn't have to ask my parents for money since graduating from College, so they felt proud and relieved that their daughter was happy, grown up and they could come and visit for fun and help out if we needed it.

Last time they were here we went out to dinner and Mom and I came back and made one round of fun chocolate martinis. She wrote on the back of this picture that my Sister found at the house, "Missy and Me..Cincy 2/08".
We finished the weekend at the movies, Ted and Dad went to the bar....had too much fun and I was giving my Dad and Ted grief when we picked them up because we were suppose to go running on Sunday morning and clearly the condition that Ted and Dad were in- running was out of the question for Sunday. So Mom and I cracked open some Chardonnay and had a glass ourselves.

I miss having them in our lives. I want to call them and say, "come down for a visit" or they would just invite themselves.....they'd stay for a minimum of 4 nights and made themselves right at home. Dad would drive up to Buffalo wild wings for lunch and play his game-NTN and come back with a stack of napkins for my counter, just to annoy me. The napkins became a joke. I tend to get anxiety if too much stuff is on my counter so he would purposely do it to get a rise out of me.

I said to my Sister today when we were talking, "when I talked to Mom". She paused and said how weird that sounded. I was referring to how much I miss calling Mom to tak about her. She said, haha and said she still goes to the phone to call my Mom. Oh, Mom would know the answer to this or oh, I have to call Mom to tell her this. But Mom is gone and it sucks and we only have each other to call.

No one can ever fill the void of a Mother, but I do my best to be there for her like my Mom was but it's very, very difficult. Although, I am independent and on my own...I still needed my Mommy more then ever and I know that is true x's 10 for my Sister and Aydan.

She was the greatest Mom in the World and I wish I told her more often. I hope she hears me now. And from the looks of this picture Mom, we were both in our socks and I think we may have been the same height. I always thought I was taller...

wrapping paper

This weekend was another one spent in Cincinnati, which have been rare over the past 8 months. We had a great dinner Friday night with a new couple we are just getting to know who also happens to be expecting their first child. She is due in two weeks and looks fabulous. They invited us over to their home after dinner and we "played" with their stroller that was set up, which ended up being the one we bought today. So it's a bit extreme, my Mom would say, or actually she would say, "you spent what?!!!!" but honestly, for how active we are and how much we like to be on the go, a good stroller was critical to us. And Ted likes that it's not super girly (apparently, he has not seen the car seat that will go in the stroller for the 1st few months)...think "pink everywhere".





Saturday was spent all day at the hospital...no, no...not early labor. Just attending a childbirth prep class. Needless to say, I didn't leave knowing much more then I already knew, it was quite enjoyable watching Ted get a glimpse of what he is in for come delivery time. I already know...it's going to hurt like no other pain ever felt and it's not going to be pretty but the reward you receive after you make it through is worth anything I saw those ladies in the video go through. But I will say, I am a tad nervous for it all. I am thankful for my girlfriends and family that have let me ask them all of the questions....lately. Thank you for your honesty!





In the evening, we met one of our favorite couples to hang with, Todd and Sarah for a nice dinner.....dessert, port and all....it was a festive dinner with friends. The restaurant was packed after a busy day of shopping at the nearby mall. There were lights and soft Christmas music playing in the background. Mom and Dad were always on my mind, the images and thoughts come and go....but I am able to appreciate all of these times spent with Ted and my friends.





Today, we did a little more to the baby room. Ted hung up her picture frames above the changing table and we got her closet closer and closer to organization. We got "the stroller" and that will be here in 6 weeks or so. Mom's tree has been up since last week and I even started wrapping presents today with the wrapping paper she left behind at her house, unopened, waiting to be used this Christmas. Thanks Mom, you were always prepared and I'm even using your gift tags.





I continue to pray to my parents to "get my Sister and I through the Holidays without them".





Not that I would want anyone else to be in my shoes, but I sometimes wonder what my other family members or friends would do. How would their Christmas be spent without their parents and brother, could they smile? how would they handle new traditions? I hope I am doing the right things, but I can only do the best I can and I honestly continue to be proud of myself but know I have a long road ahead of me.....


You are missed so much and I am most sad for what you will also miss come January. It still seems strange you won't be here to meet her. She is our faith...

where has the time gone?

It's so hard to believe that I have not seen my Parents or brother in over 8 months. It seems like yesterday and I still cannot believe it. I've made it through (somehow) Mom and Justin's Birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Dad's Birthday, 4th of July, my Birthday, their anniversary, my Baby shower, Thanksgiving...and now I have to get through Christmas.

This month is exceptionally hard because all of my friends and co-workers conversations are around what we are doing for the Holidays. Normally my response would be, oh I will spend my two weeks off (SC Johnson is the best and we get two full weeks off this year that does not count against our vacation) traveling back and forth from Mom and Dad's to the Close's, we'll have a Christmas party, Mom and I will go shopping, etc, etc. I now almost have nothing to add. Of course I have plans for the Holidays with my Sister and Ted's family and all of my friends but it's just not the same when your immediate family has been torn apart, you almost feel awkward talking about your plans for the Holidays. I feel left out because I don't have my Parents house any longer to go home to. But we are certainly making plans.....I have always been polly planner from vacations to dinners to girls weekends to Holiday functions.....I like to take the lead and make plans! I think when I get back to MI on December 19th, I have something to do almost every night. We were able to work through my Sister's Christmas schedule and her, Matt and Aydan are hosting a Christmas Eve brunch. It was so much fun last year. Mom, Dad and Justin came.....Ted and I were there....Christina and Matt made yummy food, we drank Mimosas, we exchanged gifts, and we took our last full family photo with Justin included by Christina and Matt's beautifully decorated Christmas tree.

This year will be so different. My list to buy for and visit has shortened and my love for all things Christmas has decreased dramatically. But I am trying my hardest to "get in the spirit". I am trying really, really hard. Mainly for my family and friends. They don't want to be around someone that is depressed and down but when everyone is smiling, laughing and having fun (as they should), my heartaches that my Parents are not here and I can't help but feel a little angry.

Although the New Year is going to bring Ted and I much needed joy with the little one (how exciting-a little girl- still cannot believe it), but my brother's trial is right after the New Year. Thank you very much. My Sister has to take stand and I feel terrible for her. I'm thankful I have stayed out of this as best as possible, because I could not handle attending the trial. Some of my family members have been so incredibly supportive and are taking work off to be there to support her. It will be a tough day and my hope and wish for the New Year is for my brother to be placed, somewhere safe, so he can also begin healing. We all want to heal.

So in the spirit of Christmas, Ted and I will try and get some shopping done tonight and go to a nice dinner. We re-scheduled infant CPR for another day since we did just dreadfully sit through a few hours of breastfeeding 101 last night and have a full day of childbirth education on Saturday. Since I won't have my Mom to call at 2am, I'm certainly going to need this class! Although I am certain my Sister and the other women in my life would not mind the call. :-)

I want to shop with you Mom and hear about what amazing Christmas cookie you're trying new this year or how Dad froze outside putting the lights up outside... I pray I have the relationship with my daughter that we had. Although, she could leave out the snotty attitude at times, and telling me what to do.......but I'll take just about everything else. Oh, and any trouble I caused you and Dad, she doesn't have to repeat that either.

I cannot think of a title today

That darn song. It's #2 on my CD that I religiously listen to on the way to work and I always skip over it, on purpose of course. Today while I was driving home, I said fine I will listen to it. I will be fine...deep breathe. The second it said "sweet Melissa", I started balling. And then I scream and yell and say did this really happen, are you really gone, and anything else that I can think of........when I listen to that song, I literally can picture my Dad and I dancing and it instantly brings me back to the few times where he would leave the song on my voicemail, even years after the wedding.......
That songs makes me say, "this simply just sucks".

We put out my Mom's Christmas decorations Sunday night and put up her tree. Pat & Jerome stockings are also hung that my Aunt Lisa knitted 20+ years ago. I always thought Mom's house was over decorated for Christmas but now I so appreciate her spirit and love for the Holidays. All of these things really make my house more of a home. It was interesting, the very first ornament I pulled out of her very neat organized box, was one that said Plymouth, MA. Their most favorite place out of the three States we have lived in. Then of course I came across, baby's first Christmas for all three of us kids and things with our names on it. All very sad, because like with anything I have received, I was not ready to get these this early and it saddens me thinking how many more years, decades that had to live! It's really frustrating.

It's the little things that make me happy these days like coming home to another homemade meal after work to my co-worker surprising me today with pumpkin chocolate cake for winning my award, to talking to my Sister and her telling me Aydan got "green" today at school. Green is good, Red is bad..... :-)

Tomorrow, Ted and I officially start to learn how to be parents (watch out people-I cannot even boil an egg, I'm serious-ask Mom and Dad). We first are meeting with the Pediatrician, which I actually have a ton of questions for which is rare for me.....I never have anything to ask at my Doctor appointments...I probably should...
Then we are off to the hospital that I will deliver at for breastfeeding class. Ted is still wondering why he is going to this but apparently he has a role.

I miss calling you Mom, I never realized how bored I was at night until I did not have you to call any longer. I could just call you for absolutely no reason. You'd sit on the phone and say how you'd really like to get back to your movie or favorite TV show and finally after 20 minutes, I would say...fine......I'll let you go. Some people my age get caught up in life-which is easy to do and their busy careers or children and honestly, I would always find the time to call. almost everyday if not twice and I am so thankful I did. No matter how busy work or my life may have been, I never put my family or friends on hold and I hope I never, ever do.....

me--best in class?

Thanksgiving turned out okay. I was of course sad, and quieter then normal but all in all it was a good time spent back at home seeing friends and family. I really loved seeing everyone.

Me, Grandpa Olszowy and cousin Jess and Christina with Mom's famous chocolate cheesecake. "she nailed it!"

Normally I would never want a Holiday to end but this year I am just happy I made it through and now I am saying to myself, one more Holiday and then it's the New Year...only a month to go.... It's sad that I am looking forward to the Holidays to end before they even come. I absolutely hate feeling this way since I love Christmas time so very much.

It's stressful now trying to figure out how to see all of my Family and coordinate the Christmas dinner. My Aunt Kim was sweet enough to host Christmas day this year but my Sister works at the hospital, we have to see Grandpa, we have Christmas Eve at the Close's, Chris and Aydan will be at Matt's.......I sometimes wish we lived back in MI so we could throw a huge Christmas celebration with ALL of our family and everyone would come, and it would be really special. For the past 5 years, we've put our tree up for three weeks and lugged all of our presents home to be spent in MI. We'll continue to do that even when the little one comes as I would never spend Christmas alone with just our little Family. Life is too short and I want to see all of my Family and Friends during this important time. I sure hope she's a good traveler! But I do hope one day we can host a big old fashioned Christmas like I had at Grandpa Griener's house growing up. Grandpa would be the only one allowed to pass the gifts to everyone from under the tree. We'd all sit in the living room, together as a family....Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, parents, Grandparents...it was perfect.

I did have one unexpected surprise over the Holiday weekend that I know made my parents proud. At SC Johnson, the most prestigious honor in Sales is the "best in class award" and I was recognized this year and given this award! I am most proud of this because of the year I've had. The fact that everything happened in April and I was able to come back, meet my business objectives and close the Fiscal year in June makes me happy. It wasn't easy to focus when I came back but I kept plugging along as best as I knew how...all for Mom and Dad. The hard work and dedication paid off and it's a good feeling being recognized. More so, then any promotion or salary increase that I have ever received. Thank you- Mom and Dad for giving me the courage to keep going and succeeding at work.

I only wish I had you to call to share the news with. When one succeeds, the best feeling is telling your parents.

heading back home

After work today-Ted, Gracie and I will make the 4 hour drive back to Michigan to spend the Thanksgiving weekend at home. Luckily, I have plans almost every day to keep myself busy. My goal this Thanksgiving is to spend it with as many family and friends as possible. I know it will be hard and sad without my Mom and Dad, so keeping myself busy and surrounded by good people are what I plan to do.

Tomorrow we have a fun dinner night out planned with a group of 11 of us. Our friends from New Jersey-Mel and Nick, my Sister and Matt, Ted's brother and Wife and other friends too. What used to be the biggest "bar night" has turned into, for me at least, just a night to go to a fun dinner. With MI still allowing smoke in the bars, I really can't go out.
Thursday, I get to start my Thanksgiving at my Dad's most favorite niece in the world, okay his only niece, my cousin Jessica's house. My Grandpa Olszowy will be there along with Aunt and Uncle from Atlanta. I'm excited to switch things up a bit this year and make a few stops.
After a few hours there, we will head back to the Close's for dinner to spend the remainder of the evening with Ted's family. After my Sister spends dinner with Matt's family, they will bring Aydan to the Close's. Christina is in charge of dessert from now on since she mastered my Mom's homemade cheesecake.
Friday, I put together a dinner with 8 of my girlfriends at a fun fondue restaurant, Melting Pot and we have plans to see the new Reese Witherspoon Holiday movie after that.

Although it will be so strange to not see or talk to them, I am hopeful they are looking down on us and continue to say "keep smiling" and "you can do this". It's hard though....I just want things to be normal again.
I got the sweetest card and email from two of my girlfriends this week. The card was about peace and recognizing the fact the Holidays won't be easy for me and the email was about how my parents won't be there physically but she was positive they would be in spirit and they will be looking down smiling. I sure hope that is true as all I can picture is my Mom looking down with tears and saying, "I want to be there too". But if heaven is everything everyone says and believes it is, then there is no sadness...only tears of happiness and I cannot wait for the day that I can trust that and have 100% faith that I will see them again.

You will be severely missed on Thanksgiving by all of your family and friends Mommy and Dad. Please say an extra prayer for Justin during this difficult time. I can't imagine he can find really anything to be thankful for right now.....and although I am so angry, it also makes me really, really sad for him.

Love always,
Melissa

a normal weekend

After many, many busy weekends we finally had one back in Cincinnati and did just "normal things". Normal things that any married couple would do- not just a married couple who has had a tremendous amount on their plate since the death of their parents.

Friday, we had my two week checkup appointment and everything was perfectly "normal". We met a group of 8 of our friends out for a fun dinner on Friday in Hyde Park Square and even came back to my house for dessert (greaters ice cream, of course), Saturday I went shopping while Ted raked 10 bags of leaves (hey, I shouldn't be doing all that bending anyhow..) and then joined another couple for dinner on Saturday for Mexican and fried ice cream (can you tell I am little obsessed with ice-cream??), rented a movie and had another productive day on Sunday.

Sunday I headed back to Pottery Barn kids (third time this weekend) to get finally the "correct" curtain rod with all the parts and stopped off at Gap maternity to give maternity pants ONE more try (to date, I've opted for dresses and skirts) but with this weekend being in the 30's, my legs were quite cold. So I took Ted's advice when he said, "go buy yourself a nice pair of pants". Any woman would be stupid to not go shopping when your husband is telling you to. After shopping I worked on my baby shower scrapbook and was served homemade chili and cornbread by my husband. And now I await for the ice cream sandwiches he made- with mint chocolate chip cookies- to be done in the freezer. (see, three days in a row for ice cream...but I swear I don't have any pregnancy cravings!)

Like I said, this was a pretty normal weekend before the upcoming busy Holiday weekend. It was nice to be home, sleeping in my own bed, shopping at my own mall, working a little on the baby room and not have to spend the weekend driving anywhere. You need these weekends once in a while. But that doesn't mean I am not really excited to have a short week this upcoming week and to see our family for Thanksgiving on Thursday. Thanksgiving day won't be "normal" for my Sister and I or the rest of my close Family, but I think during grace everyone will think to themselves how thankful we all were to have my Mom and Dad in their lives and how thankful we all are to be here, still living....a pretty normal life......

That is all I would say to my friends and family, if they're listening....be really thankful this year at Thanksgiving. I would do anything in the world to have my Dad carve the turkey this year, have my Mom walk in all smiles holding her famous pumpkin cheesecake and greet them with big, long hugs. So really hug them tight this year you guys......I honestly would never let go if I had a second chance.

I'll miss them even more (if that's possible) then usual over the next two months. During this time of year, I would always talk to my Mom and Dad a lot... yes-more then twice a day..where are we spending the Holidays, are you coming to the Close's for Thanksgiving, when are you headed up north? We'd talk about my wish list and the gift exchange Mom was always in charge of, or her kickoff of her baking season...and we'd talk about how many cheesecakes she would make this year....or how she was always done Christmas shopping by Thanksgiving. I will so miss those conversations....

Missing you on this normal Sunday evening without you in our lives.......we are looking forward to tomorrow as our crib and changing table arrive and are being assembled. The princess room will finally be coming together. I wish you could see it, it really is going to be adorable.

I'm still thankful...

With Thanksgiving approaching, I cannot help but think of the things I am still thankful for. Moving forward, to live just another day is worth being thankful for as any one of us could be gone tomorrow. It's scary to think that way but it's actually so, so true. I know for a fact Mom and Dad did not have the slightest clue that April 7th would be their last day on Earth. However, if they did know I think they would have spent it just as they did.
Of course as I think of what I am thankful for, I get incredibly sad and angry for the things that have happened this year and you struggle to sit back and say yes, but I still have so much. ...

Because what was lost was big, so tremendous, so sad, incredibly tragic- while everyone gathers around the Turkey this year with their families- I will be sitting down and realizing that my immediate family is no longer together. It's just my Sister and I now, trying to make our way-take our spots, in other families as we celebrate the Holidays without our parents and brother.

I am most thankful for the Parents I had for 28 years. Wow- was I lucky. They were one of a kind.
I am most thankful for my Sister and my nephew Aydan, their safety and happiness is one of my highest priorities.
I am most thankful for my husband and dog Gracie, who remain the rock in my life.
I am most thankful for the Friends I have in my life, they are the best. There is no doubt in my mind that every girl needs her girlfriends.
I am most thankful for my husband's parents, they treat me like a daughter of their own.
I am most thankful for my health (mentally and physically) during this pregnancy after such an emotionally tragic event. (for this I am positive my Mom and Dad are watching down on me)
I am most thankful that I will soon have a little girl to love, although the fear of sadness I will face to not be able to introduce her to Mom and Dad is scary. But I will remain thankful that they gave me this gift two months after they died on June 7th, 2008 when two pink lines appeared.
I am most thankful for my two still living Grandfathers, for they are the closest thing to my Mom and Dad; they raised my parents and I am thankful to still be able to be with them and have our daughter meet them.
I am most thankful for all of my extended family members; their love, support, friendship and strength they have shown is admirable and I know moving forward, we will continue to be a very close knit family.
I am most thankful for my job, my beautiful house and my financial stability I have given the state of the economy. We are lucky and proud of our hard work.

So yes, even after one suffers one of the greatest tragedies imaginable they can still find something to be thankful for. But often times the weight of what has happened and the fact that during the Holidays my brother will be locked up in a jail cell with the uncertainty of where he will be come January and with tremendous guilt, sadness and loneliness he feels--carries on your shoulders so heavily, you find it difficult to be thankful for anything.

This year I may not be able to speak out loud as we go around the table as we did last year, which was my idea, and say what we are most thankful for... so I thought I would tell everyone in my life right now. I am thankful for each and every one of you and although I am dreading the Holidays without Mom and Dad around, I feel lucky to have all that I have still after losing so much.

I am thankful Mom and Dad that last year at the Close's house we sat around the table, enjoying the Turkey that Dad helped carve and had a great time among two special families. It was so important to Ted and I for us to both be with our parents and we are both forever thankful for your involvement in our lives.

Thank you for letting me feel thankful during such a difficult time.

Love always,
Your daughter

goodbye for the Winter~

I have such mixed emotions about the lake now Mom and Dad. I did fine this weekend but just being there I felt like I was carrying a ton of bricks on my back the entire time. I almost felt like I was walking around like a zombie as I continue to come to the realization that you're gone. But you'd never know it if you were up there with me, I am really able to be strong just as I know you'd want me to be.

Sure I laughed and had a fantastic time with Grandpa, your siblings, Christina, Aydan, Matt and Josh but you not being there was honestly noticed each and every second. First your voices and laughter did not carry throughout the house, the fire from the night before was not picked up by 6am just like Dad would do, I didn't wake up to the smell of coffee and cinnamon french toast and we had to run the dinner on Saturday....we all pitched in and made a huge fake thanksgiving feast and it was just surreal doing it without you there. Christina even made your cheesecake Mom, my favorite-pumpkin. She of course got the baking gene and even mastered your crust!

It sure isn't fun.....just like I said in my last post, no one was ready for you to leave this quick. We weren't ready to run the lake house or shut it down or host dinners without you. And we weren't ready to learn how to make your cheesecake. Not for many more years.

But being together with our family was just what I wanted and we'll continue to do this no matter how difficult it is for each and everyone of us. We still have each other...

Thank you to my husband, Josh, Matt and yes, even my nephew for helping close down my parents place. I know Dad was looking down and saying, "way to go boys"..... "oh and good choice on the Hawaiian shirts too--you shouldn't have"

heading to the lake

This weekend- Ted, myself, Christina, Matt, Aydan, and our friend Josh will head to Harrison, MI to close up my parents place for the Winter.

This has never been done before since my parents used it all year round but with the snow and not having anyone to plow us out, not to mention cost savings with not keeping it heated all Winter long, we thought it would be best to shut it down. My Uncle who lives the property over will move to FL for the Winter this year and is also closing his place down so it only makes sense.
I'm excited to get up there this weekend as we are planning a big fake thanksgiving dinner on Saturday. My Grandpa will be there along with my Aunt Linda and Uncle Stan and Aunt Kim and the kids are also driving up. We're all pitching in and making a ton of food, just as my parents loved to do. If only they could be there to join us. They loved anything that involved a lot of food and family.

The guys have a lot to do this weekend; pulling the boat out, cleaning up the property, organizing the basement and garage and all the entails shutting down a place for the Winter. But I am positive we will also have some time for fun.

Many families leave their loved ones behind a second home to share and pass on to other generations, but for me....it's not the same. My parents left so sudden, much too young, way too tragic for me to walk into the lake house and think of it as a house that was left to us. I could see if they were in their 70' s or 80's but to leave their favorite place at the young age of 50 when they never got to live up there full time (dad always said he was moving up there, but we all know he would have never done that while his Father was still alive). Sure, I'll be sad this weekend and walk in and see all of their stuff and picture them greeting us with food, drinks and hugs, but I will do my best to enjoy the time I have with the people that are coming together this weekend. My family. The family that I have left. I'm so thankful that everyone continues to make an effort to be around each other as we grieve. That is what I love about my Family. It's not difficult at all to get everyone together. All it took was an email or a phone call....now we'll have a dinner for 12 on Saturday.

Give us the strength to enjoy this place just as you did. The sadness we feel is missing how much fun you were. Mom was always the one rushing to her room to get her quarters for her favorite card game 31, Dad was always cooking and making sure everyone had a cocktail and I just wish i would have went up north so much more over the past 10 years (although I still went up there quite a bit seeing as we have lived out of State for the past 6 years) but at least I can say from being born to at least 15..I was up there every weekend with them and those memories will never fade away. And Labor Day 2007 will always remain the last time I spent the weekend up-north with them alive and I will be forever grateful for that last boat ride, that last S'more, and that last fire...shared with them.

We miss you

My Mommy, hubby and Aunt Diann (Cincinnati, November 2007)

Last year exactly around this time, my parents came down for the weekend to celebrate Thanksgiving early at our house with my Aunt Diann and Uncle Randy from Atlanta.

It was such a fun and memorable weekend. Aunt Diann and Uncle Randy arrived with a bunch of wine, we all walked up to Hyde Park Square for dinner, we played cards and laughed. The next day was the fake thanksgiving dinner prepared by Dad. He cooked everything from the Turkey to the Cranberries and the stuffing. Mom made a new version of her homemade cheesecake, called the "Harvest cheesecake". My Aunt Diann and I raved about this creation. Here she was cutting up the apples for her masterpiece and below her and Aunt Diann..enjoying it.

My Dad, Ted and Uncle Randy checked out a Bengals game. My Dad, who was a true tailgater made Bloody Mary's for the game and even went shopping with Ted for an actual bangles t-shirt. Shocking for a life long Lion's fan.

Aunt Diann, Mom and I bought dinner and started making it before they arrived. I will never forget Dad walking in and he was stressed "we" were in the kitchen! He said we were doing everything wrong....even though my Aunt happens to be a very good cook. He finished up the Salmon on the grill and we got out of his way. I so miss that about my Dad. He loved being in the kitchen, serving others and was always the last to eat. I hope my Dad knows how much I appreciated his cooking all of these years. From the days of being a child when he would cut up my food, butter our bread and pass my brother, Sister and I our plates (as if we couldn't do anything on our own) to staying at our house in Cincinnati and coming home after work to him cooking dinner in my kitchen. I loved that and will cherish it forever.

It's so hard to believe that last year around this time everything was normal. Mom and Dad were retired at the young age of 50, they gathered in Cincinnati with family for a long weekend of fun, we talked about real thanksgiving and how we would all spend it at the Close's house. Who would have known when Dad said to me after I couldn't get the stain out that he made on my fall tablecloth, "it will remind you of me when I'm gone one day and you'll cry" that I would be "crying so soon". I thought it would be 30-40 years later from when he said that.

Missing you both and I pray you help me get through Thanksgiving without you. But I do know one thing and that is-I am "thankful" I had you as parents and have the memories to cherish such as these, but I have to admit, it almost makes it harder...

"showered" with friendship

This weekend I was very lucky to have another baby celebration to attend in honor of baby Close to be. My neighbor and friend-Jess, my friend-Ashley and co-worker and friend Lindsey put together the cutest little gathering. Mom Close and I walked into my girlfriend's condo and were served hot apple cider and shown to a beatifully created buffet of homemade appetizers and food. All of the girls brought the baby amazing books and wrote little notes in each one. We received more adorable clothes, gift cards and fun things to get us prepared for this arrival. Ted's Mom was just suppose to be there to enjoy herself and for support and she of course brought more adorable clothes for the baby and even the mom to be some maternity clothes, since clothing these days are quite sparce.

We played a few games, opened gifts, took a few picures and then came time for my most favorite part. DESSERT. There is this bakery in Cincinnati that I have grown to love called the Bonbonerie. I will get all of my daughters cakes at this bakery for as long as we are living here. It was so fabulousy yummy and in spirit of my love for all things pumpkin, the cake was just my style:

I am so appreciative of my friends generosity and friendship during this very special time in my life.

As we were leaving all of us got to take home adorable "pink" coffee mugs home filled with a homemade hot chocolate mix. The details were just too cute.

So after yet another wonderful baby celebration, I couldn't help myself feel a little sad. I had the most incredible weekend with Ted's Mom- she helped me prepare for the baby by washing and folding all of her clothes, made a trip to babies r us, went to a nice dinner, got manicures and cleaned out our basement and then to end the weekend with such a fun little party, but then I sat in the babies room and read all of the cards and sayings people wrote in the books and I said once again, Mom and Dad are missing all of this. She would want to be here too with Mom Close and I. I miss her so much and I want her to witness the amazing people that have surrounded me for the past 7 months and continue to walk this journey with me. I wanted her to see these beatiful details and hardwork my friends and family have put into these two amazingly special baby close to be celebrations.

But I have to hope that Mom and Dad are here and that they are guiding me and are enjoying these special moments, just in a different view. God's view.

Thank you to all, you have made this pregnancy so wonderful...

every girl needs a Tiffanys

Some may recall me talking about my birthday last year and sharing pictures of me opening my favorite blue box from my Mother. A pair of earrings from Tiffany's. A girls most favorite gift.

Ever since she gave them to me for my 28th birthday, I wore them almost everyday. Especially after she passed, they became even more special as they would now resemble the very last birthday gift my Mother and Father ever gave me. So, you could say...they are pretty special.

Yesterday I was having sort of an emotional day. I really missed my parents, some days are much more intense then others but I just missed them as I was shopping at the mall, hearings glimpses of Christmas music and watching all of the smiling faces pass me by. When I came home with a bag full of things, I noticed Gracie had knocked down my jewelry that was on my dresser (I usually have everything in a jewelry box that my friend Ali got me- but I was lazy and left everything out). I mean everything....my wedding ring, Dad's ring, Mom's ring and "the earrings". I quickly picked everything up and noticed one of earrings were missing. I panicked searching everywhere but was pretty certain Gracie had swallowed one of them.

After talking with the Vet, we were going to wait to see if it would pass. As of this morning it did not so I continued to question if she really swallowed it. I couldn't handle the suspense anymore and after consulting with my Mother-in-law, Sister and Mel- I decided to take her in for x-rays. They know me by heart there so they were not surprised when I called for an ASAP appointment. $200 later, Doctor Schmogrow walked in the room and held up the x-rays only to see one Tiffany earring glaring at me!!! The Doc was a little nervous that the post would puncture something but at this point the only thing we could was wait for it to pass. If nothing, come back on Monday and possibly surgery would have to take place.

So I prayed....and a few others prayed and Grace and I took a little nap. After we woke up, I took her to the bathroom. I went and got my gloves and to my surprise, THERE IT WAS! We didn't think it would happen that fast as in the x-ray it still had some mileage to go before making it to the colon. Sorry for the details....but I ran inside with a very disgusting looking earring and was giving Gracie all of the treats in the world. Good girl I yelled!!! She was looking at me, like what did I do?

So now my when Mother-in-law arrives, we can actually go to a nice dinner after we wash some of the baby clothes instead of worrying so much about Gracie.

Thanks, Mom and Dad. You've got me through another day...

lucky girl

Mom,


During a time when I always imagined you would be right by my side, a phone call a way, you are somewhere far, far, away and I'm missing you very much.

I miss your voice, smile and love for being with family. I miss how fun you were and miss your love for pictures. I miss you most during times like this, when Ted is traveling and I would normally just call you a few times a day, for no reason at all.

How sad and cheated I feel that I now have to go through life without a Mother-when our relationship was wonderful and fun and everything I could ask for, yet I also feel like a lucky girl that I had the relationship we had. I feel even more sad for you Mom-that you didn't get to live the rest of your life. You spent most of your life being a Mom and raising three children, now was time to really enjoy life.... But luckily, you had been enjoying it the entire time. When I think of the fun you and Dad had or the weekends you both would just head up north to get away or all of the times spent with us wherever we lived, I feel happy we have those memories. But they also leaving me wanting more, many more....but there's none left. I got 28 years with you and your time was up.

On Sunday I will attend my second baby shower thrown by my very sweet neighbor, friend and co-worker. How thoughtful for them to do this given the large shower I had in MI two weeks ago. I'm really looking forward to it and feel like such a lucky girl to have so many wonderful people in my life to make me feel special during this important time in my life.

You'd really be amazed Mom, you really would be.

Missing my Mommy everyday and I love you too Dad.

Your daughter

me-courageous?

One of my best friends called me courageous through a letter she wrote to me and that thought has been on my mind ever since reading it. I certainly never thought of myself as courageous but when I do sit back and think of what I have lost and experienced and are still going through, the fact that I have not lost it (yet), is pretty courageous I suppose. But there are days when I feel so angry, jealous, and alone that I feel the furthest thing from courageous. There is not a moment that goes by that I don't play in my head what happened on April 7th or the fact that my brother is still not placed or sentenced and that being the executor of their estate- I still have so much to do. And I often forget I am doing all of this, while being pregnant. I definitely think God, or great genes from Mom gave me a great pregnancy so I could handle everything that still is coming my way.

How else would I handle this? No one knows how they would handle this situation if it occurred in their family. No one in their right mind would ever prepare themselves for such a thing, I certainly never would have imagined this- in a million years.
I am proud of how my Sister and I and other family members are handling this. Tragedies often have a very negative impact on the individuals effected, they turn to drinking, drugs, and often go into a deep depression. Trust me, I fight the depression every day because you can talk yourself into one, but I'm doing my very best to stay out of that dark hole. I stay out of that hole for my parents, my Sister, my Aydan, my husband, my Gracie, my friends and family and my little girl to be. I also am blessed my work ethic has not been effected. (sure I have my days when I question why people are complaining about something so small compared to the bigger life issues and I'm guilty of this too) but they have been amazing and that is what has gotten me to the point that when I wake up, I actually really look forward to going to work. I couldn't have handled this as best as I have without a supportive group of co-workers. I think that is why I felt so comfortable going back to work so soon after everything happened. I needed to go back because I would have been of no help to my Sister with Mom and Dad's house. I couldn't have done it.

So while I would never think of myself as courageous, I guess when I really think of how I'm doing despite the sadness and constant missing my parents, I am proud of myself and I am proud of my family. We sure are hanging in there aren't we?

I know you are keeping us strong Mom and Dad. We need it, especially during the Holiday Season when every one's spirits are up and gathering with their families and we feel like the only people in the world wanting them to end...

The cemetary

I've made several trips to the cemetery since Mom and Dad have been gone, but the hardest trip was the one made on Sunday before heading back to Cincinnati. The grave marker had been put into the ground many, many weeks ago but I kept putting it off to go see it. I certainly do not need their grave to remember or even think of them as they are on my mind 24-7 and I do not anticipate that changing anytime soon. Although a baby will bring so much joy to our lives, I worry about the sadness I will feel not being able to share that experience with my Mom and Dad. I got to see how they were with a grandchild through 5 years with Aydan. And being the oldest, my Mom couldn't wait until I would one day have kids.



Going to the cemetery when the site was just grass wasn't as bad as I had imagined. I'd bring flowers and say a prayer but reality never hit me. The reality came when I saw my parents names, dates and the words-loving parents. If there would have been room, we would have listed so many other things...loving grandparents, loving sister, loving brother, loving son, loving daughter, loving friend, loving cousin...to sum up someones memory in a few words can never be done especially two individuals like Mom and Dad.



My Aunt Kim met me at the cemetery and we cried together as we starred down at their names. What happened this year? Could this really be true? My Mother and Father, and your big Sister and Brother-n-law who were everything to you and I are gone? How can this be? By my own brother, who loved them just as much? You just stop, look around, take a deep breath and wonder how the heck you ever got from there to here. And you just hope one day you can find peace, accept what happen and know they are in a wonderful place. But when the tears are falling fast and you still find yourself in disbelief, you wonder if you will ever get there....


A place of rest, certainly not the end I hope and pray........

I apologize if putting the above picture on my blog saddens any of my family but with many of you living out of State, I wanted to share this with you. My Mother took Aydan to Grandma's grave last year on Mother's day and she actually took a picture of Aydan by the grave so I know Mom wouldn't mind. I love you all and thank you for all you to do to honor my parents memory. I hope I can continue making all of you and especially my parents above- proud of the person I was, the person I am now and the mother that I will become.

With love,

Melissa

my weekend

I wish I could write that we are now free of my parents house, but we are not. I rushed back on Friday morning after a long travel back from Seattle only to find that the title company couldn't get everything pulled together. So I will now do power of attorney so I do not have to be at the closing, which is probably better anyway. No offense, I really was not looking forward to meeting the new owners. A retired couple moving into my childhood home of 28 years. They will never have the memories like my brother, sister and I had there with our parents.

Friday, Matt and Christina brought Aydan over to the Close's all dressed up as a transformer. He always went to Mom and Dad's house and went around their neighborhood for the past 5 years so we wanted to make sure he still had fun. It definitely wasn't the same but any 5 year old that comes home with a bag filled with candy is ultimately a happy person for that given moment.

Saturday I found myself at the mall wandering around in search for maternity clothes. The Christmas decorations are going up and many families were out and about shopping. I was miserable. I would look at a Mom and Daughter as they were shopping and just feel tremendous sadness. Mom should be here too, she loved to shop. She would always make time to shop around with me. As a matter of fact, right around this time every year she was almost done with her Christmas Shopping. Talk about a woman prepared for the Holidays.
From Thanksgiving through New Years has always been my most favorite time of the year. The biggest stress would be what I was going to buy for my Mom, Dad and brother. My Sister is always the easiest. Now, the three of them are gone and I cannot even begin to think of preparing myself for the Holidays or listening to my favorite Christmas songs, or sitting down to write all of my Christmas cards out...these are all things I love to do. All I keep thinking is, Mom, Dad and Justin should be here too. And yes, I understand my parents would want me to be happy but I think the hardest part is, if they could be sad in heaven, I know they would be sad for my Sister and I. My Mother would never want us to go through this and would want to share the Holidays with her family. They were not ready to leave at the age of 50 and it pulls at my heart every single day.

But I will do my best to incorporate new traditions into my Holidays. Last Thanksgiving my parents came to the Close's, this year we will be with Ted's family but I am also going to spend some of the evening at my cousin Jessica's house. My Dad's Sister Aunt Diann and Uncle Randy from Atlanta will be there as well as my Dad's brother Uncle Stan and Aunt Linda.
Last Thanksgiving we were all getting ready to eat at the Close's and I had suggested we all go around the table and say what we are most thankful for. I don't quite remember what my Dad said, but I can hear my Mother's words so clearly, "I am thankful that our two families were together". I don't know what I would say this year. Sure I am thankful for so many things in life but I am also hurting because of so many things in life. But I have a feeling I would be thankful for the gift my parents gave me and that is the little girl that continues to grow as she prepares to enter this World.

Saturday we ended the day by taking Mom and Dad Close to a nice dinner at a pretty special place. The place where we got engaged and where we sent my Mom and Dad for dinner on their 25th anniversary, Cafe Cortina. We wanted to show our appreciation for putting on such an amazing shower and for the continued support they provide to us as we take on parenthood. The food was delicious and the sip of red Pinot Noir that I tried was really yummy.

Before I head back to Cincinnati this morning, I will stop at the cemetery. My parents grave marker has been put into the ground. It was much easier to go when it was just grass. Seeing their names and the dates they were born and died will be difficult. I never thought this young I would be doing this....visiting both of their grave sites together.

I will get through it....

my last trip~

I am on my last leg of my travels this week...flew into Portland yesterday, drove to Seattle today and fly home tomorrow. My last air travel until after the baby is born! This work trip I've been very lucky to be joined by two wonderful co-workers. Both who will be helping cover my accounts while I'm on maternity leave. We've had a great time over the past two days, the Fall is beautiful in the Northwest. One of the co-workers attended my shower so the event has continuously came up and how beautiful and wonderful it was. She observed something that I also realized once it was over on how wonderful it was to see my family together-happy given everything we have gone through. We've talked a lot on this trip about work of course, but also about our friends and family and life in general. I've said over and over how lucky I am to have the relationships I do with my friends and family. The friends that I have right now, I am positive will be my friends till the end. When you go through the greatest tragedy of your life and they are by your side for the sad but then come right around again to support you during the happy times is just proof that they are in your life for good. And I am forever thankful for that.

The baby shower was one of those events, like a wedding, that you truly remember for a lifetime.

I'll never forget the beautiful place and the decorations, what I wore, what I ate, the people that I hugged and all the wonderful gifts that were received.

Some more of my favorite pictures from the weekend.....

My Western Michigan girls and one MSU girl!

My Sis, cousin Trac, Aunt Lisa, Me, Aunt Kim, cousin Brittney

and the girls above who pulled everything together the day of the shower and stayed by my side all weekend! All wonderful ladies in very special ways.

The "man" room which included my brother-in-law-Jay, our best pal Nick, Dad to be, my dear Grandpa, our cousin Scott (Dad Close and Christina's Matt were missing in the photo). I am sure it was not exactly how they wanted to spend their Saturday but I saw them sneaking in the main event room and head for the candy station. It meant a lot having them there. If Dad were alive, he would have been there no doubt so the men in my life were not getting off the hook. I think they enjoyed themselves...

You know it was a special event when days after it ended- it's still on your mind........

hats, a ring and a room filled with friends and family

Some may say I didn't have the most typical baby shower. (yes, there were Men there!) But in my world, there is no longer the typical anything.

Looking back on my day yesterday, if I had to choose one word to describe it, it would have to be magical. From the moment upon entering, the celebration was over the top and perfectly decorated by my Mother-n-law, Sister and dear friends. Brown satin bows tied perfectly on every chair, hot apple cider being passed by servers, an elaborate chocolate/candy/cookie station for the guests to enjoy (thank you Mel), a painted sign by my cousin Beth, a two tiered adorable polka dot cake that color coordinated with the fabric on the candy station, monogrammed napkins and chocolate Hershey bars, gorgeous pink hydrangea and rose centerpieces, pictures on a ribbon of mom, dad and I when I was born and a young child, and last by not least a room filled with my most favorite people in the entire world.

The only thing missing from this beautiful day was my Parents. It was almost surreal experiencing it without my Mom right by my side. Watching me open my gifts or hugging and kissing family, taking pictures and laughing. I can tell you it was not easy, but I made a commitment to myself that I would not cry and that I would save the tears for another day.

And I did just that, however my commitment was almost broken when my Sister, who never speaks in front of a large group, surprised me with a few words. She went into how beautiful I looked and all that mushy Sister stuff but then started talking about my Dad....I instantly was like uh-oh, don't freak out Melissa. I listened to her words and felt my Father's wedding ring that had been melted into two rings for her and I, slip on to my finger......that is all I am going to say about that moment but it was wonderful, sad, yet happy at the same time.

I told my Sister to please don't go crazy on the gifts since she was taking care of the cookie favors for the guests. Why did I bother even saying anything? She spoiled the baby with shoes, tons of trendy little clothes, a sling to carry the baby around, a little newborn bathing system and so much more. I have a very generous Sister with an amazingly huge heart. But she still does not listen to me! (had to throw that one in there)

The gifts were amazing Mom and Dad. You wouldn't believe the generosity of friends and family. I was so overwhelmed with the amount of things that were given to us as just being with everyone was honestly enough. Mom, your sister Lisa (my Aunt), who I knew knit throughout her life but did not know the level of talent she had, shocked me with some pretty amazing handmade things. I could seriously write a book on the thoughtful things she knitted for the baby- box after box presented a new surprise to my eyes, a hat collection with flowers! a beautiful blanket! a sweater, hat and scarf set that it is out of a movie and a collection of embroidered burp cloths that I am scared to even use! Just gorgeous things that I cannot stop looking at.

There are just way too many special things to list. We got the necessities needed to get ready for the baby and some beautiful things to make the room look stunning.

Gathering with my family and friends have always meant so much to me but since losing Mom and Dad, it now means even more. I wish yesterday could have lasted for days.....why do we spend too little of time with the people we love the most? I hope to never have that regret. I know my parents didn't. I will be forever grateful for the wonderful women in my life who all contributed to the shower in so many special ways to make it such an unforgettable day. I love you all and I am positive my Parents are smiling down on us.

Although the future will continue to bring some sadness and loneliness without my Mom and Dad, I can tell you one thing and that is we have the best of friends and the best of family to introduce Baby Close to and they will forever remain the center of our universe. Distance, time, hockey schedules/ballet lessons, or cost will never keep us from continuing to make the memories with the people we love the most. Thank you to so many for being on this roller coaster of a ride this year. We couldn't do it without you and I couldn't do it without thinking of my Mom and Dad each and every day knowing they just want me to be happy.

What an amazing baby shower and what an amazing weekend............I love you all my dear friends and family~