It's already February.....time has just been flying since the Holidays. I know April is nearing and I really have come to grips that April will always be difficult. April will always remain my families' 9/11. What I do early on in the year is book myself silly with plans....girls weekends, weekends with friends, vacations, home renovations and now of course lots of events with the kids (dance, swimming, etc) to keep focused on other things. But it's always there....and recently, it's been bothering me even more as we think about what the future holds for the lake house in Harrison, MI. I love Harrison....I've been going there since inside my Mommy's belly....and I started appreciating the true beauty and peacefulness after I married Ted and we'd go up there and hang out with my Parents and be in pure relaxation mode (while my Parents busted their butts to entertain and keep the property up). Now with their loss, we've inherited not only their home, but all of the responsibility that comes along with it. And our distance to Harrison, is creating a problem. A problem I hate to admit....and it's causing me to think, do we need to sell the lake. Is it best for my Family and while she won't agree right now, is it best for my Sister's future? It's such a heartbreaking decision as I know we are holding onto this place for all that it resembles....my parent's favorite place, more of their things, and all of the fun memories we can still picture when we are up there. But it's not all FUN memories, it's actually really painful being up there. They weren't suppose to both be gone already and I hate that this young I have to be thinking about these type of decisions when they should be retired, still living. I don't want to have to make the decision to sell it for practical reasons as it is very emotional but the older Sister/first daughter in me is pulling me to be practical and to think in those terms as hard as it is. I know deep down most of my Parent's family hates watching us girls trying to manage all of this and candidly, watching the lake deteriorate. I cannot see hiring out for everything to maintain this place when we are using it only a few times per year and all along while Christina is busting her a** to get through RN school and support her Son. It just doesn't make sense financially. On the flip side, we would NEVER get what this place is truly worth to our Family and I would hate to live with regret or to have that guilt and to not have a place to take my kids that is still MY families. That is so important to me.
No one can tell me what to do...as no one understands all of the dynamics involved. I feel as if right now I am in a no-win situation. It's painful if I keep it and it causes a lot of work, pressure, worry but some enjoyment with my kids and memories and glimpses of what my Family was before the tragedy and also a place to take my family to remember MY folks. If I sell it, I could still go to Harrison to visit our Family and stay at Grandpa's but then potentially regret it and have guilt. I know this is the closest we will ever be to MI....with both of our careers we will only go further away....so I have to keep that in mind. The bottom line is there is no easy answer. Cleaning out another home of my Parents, even not being involved with their home in Allen Park, would be more heartache and cause sadness for my immediate family. But, I worry non-stop about the lake as it sits there...not being used.....at the end of the day, I need my Family to agree with the decision that is made and we need to be supportive of each other knowing we never wanted to be put in this position.
I continue to be amazed at times at how "everything else" in my life has turned out. Yes, I have everyday pain of carrying their loss, and my involvement and worry with my siblings (both for different reasons obviously) but the good I do have is really good....we have been so blessed with our children, careers and our quality of life and ability we have to travel and enjoy life with friends and within my new family. I hope the good stuff in my life continues and that each day brings my Family closer to peace that Mom and Dad are in a GOOD place and believe that they are watching over us. I just miss them so much and I continue to miss the involvement and role they played in my life.
Harry and Elle are doing great - our sweet boy will undergo ear tube surgery at Children's hospital on Valentines day (2 months younger than Elle when she had this same procedure). Hoping this brings much needed relief from the nasty ear infections he continues to get. Elle continues to be a sweet kid, while she is bit territorial at times and has the typical drama of a three year old, we are amazed at her kind nature. I worry at times that she isn't sticking up for herself (yes, this happens at 3 years old!!)....but I am hoping we'll continue to assure she has amazing self confidence throughout her life.
Lastly, my heart was so touched yesterday when driving the kids home from school. One of Elle's songs said the word "heaven" in it. Elle caught it instantly and yelled, "heaven!!! gramma and grampa are there". Not exactly what I ever pictured but sweet that she remembers, we talk about it and I know it will be important to her (one day) in life and she'll understand the impact they had on others and my willingness to go on with grace after tragedy. But deep down I pray I can continue to do this with "grace"...some days are harder than others and sometimes I think I am tricking myself and swaying myself in other directions to not face the true sadness. Have I really accepted their death and the way it happened? I really do not know.
All my love, Melissa
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