When we first found out we were having a girl, a sense of hope, relief and excitement came over us especially for me. I was so utterly heartbroken with my Parents death and was in search for something..I didn't know what. I knew there wouldn't be anything that could fill the void but more so take away some of the pain and shift the energy to a baby was helpful. Elle turned three years old today. I guess I really cannot believe it. So much time has passed, so many things I want to update my Parents on with me, the kids, how I'm juggling a career, a home, a new baby.....I really miss having my own family to care about us and to share our lives with. Elle has gotten so big and bright. She is definitely a Daddy's girl which really started when Harry was born. She has been a great big Sis...and she is getting quite the personality these days. She started dance last weekend which will be fun and she is totally into Dora the explorer right now. We are so proud of who she is just at a young 3 years old. She is sweet and caring and mindful of other's feelings. We have taken the approach of having a big birthday every other year...so this year it will be a small celebration....but filled with special memories nonetheless. She was greeted by pink pancakes this morning and gifts and treats made for school....she'll have her BFF over tonight for Pizza and ice cream and then another celebration this weekend when Ted's parents, my sister, aydan come into town. So many gifts and cards have arrived from Family...it is so nice to know Elle is thought of on her special day and loved by so many. Elle has been such a blessing to our Family and I need to appreciate more how lucky Ted and I are to have TWO healthy, beautiful children. I know everyone is not so lucky in this area. I have my days of such happiness - taking it all in - knowing how special these last few years have been but then there are days where I am just simply angry, sad, and totally bummed out about my Parents death. There is no separating their loss for me...I wish I could think of Elle's birthday as Elle's birthday but it's Elle's birthday less my Parents and knowing because she is 3 means they have almost been gone for 4 years......I wish I didn't think that way but I know for a fact anyone else tragically losing parents, a child, ties them together with the rest of their life's events. It's so hard not to as much I wish I could separate them....I miss my Dad so much. He was such a cool guy. I think of such silly things about him...we moved our dining room table into our kitchen to make it an eat in kitchen and more functional use of our space. This will thrill him. I miss sharing these little things with them. It's just so weird. I honestly think I will feel like this for the rest of my life. I will be fine, I know I will be....but in the back of my mind and deep in my heart I have deep sadness. Deep sadness for the way my Parents died and for what they are missing. They would be so proud and happy to see my beautiful children.
Miss Elle, you are such a princess! I love you more than you will ever know or understand and I am so proud of how you have adapted to "big sister" life.....you are smarter than we can even wrap our minds around....Daddy and I look forward to what this year of YOU being THREE will bring....some ballet, maybe soccer, travels to St John and back up to the lake, memories with family and visits with our friends.......I hope I can learn to slow down a little more, stress a little less and take in all of the wonderful things you are up to these days. I cherish those evenings when I get to put you down at night...you usually want Daddy. I hug you tightly, I smell your hair, tears roll down my eyes for more reasons than one. I learned earlier then expected about life.....and what matters...I think too much at times and for this I am sorry. I love you, Elle Patricia. Happy 3rd Birthday.
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