a weekend of fun, friends and a wedding

I am just coming off one of those weekend that you never want to end. Erich and Carolyn, our friends who currently are living in Paris,  arrived on Wednesday.....and the fun didn't end until about 1am last night. We had two relaxing days Thursday and Friday...after work- we drank wine, had a BBQ, got pedicures and manicures, shopped, had a nice lunch outside, went for a run through our neighborhood,  took Elle on walks and grabbed coffee, and just talked. It was awesome to have the time with them before the official wedding festivities kicked off on Friday. It was quite the extravagant weekend filled with the bachelor and bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner and then of course the grand finale- the wedding of our friends Todd and Sarah.  We decided to make it a mini vacation and stay downtown at the hotel with our friends since my in-laws were in town to help with Elle. 

It flew by quick but I am thankful for the good times we had; Todd and Erich have such a great group of friends from their days at Tufts in Boston and Ted and I formed friendships this weekend and we reconnected after not seeing many of these people since Erich and Carolyn's wedding in Boston a few years ago. 

I can't tell you how nice it was to spend time with Carolyn. She's a great friend and someone who listens and makes every effort to understand. I feel a little like I overloaded everything on her while here but she gives such great advice and would agree I continue to be in a challenging situation. I admitted I continue to struggle. While I was so thrilled to have Ted's parents down here to help us with Elle, I continue to find it so difficult. I am heartbroken and want my parents here too. When nothing is said, I shut down. I can't be myself. I will not be the same person I was 2 years ago. I hope people one day understand. I'd do anything for all of this to not have happened. It's amazing to me the impact it has on my every day life even when I am having the most wonderful weekend.....it's always, always, there. 

Moments at the strangest time will hit me, almost like an anxiety attack or a quick wave of depression...thoughts will enter my mind of the painful death and loss of my parents and how none of these events, such as a wedding, will my Sister ever experience the same way that I did. 

I look around me and see families so proud of their children as they marry and the closeness of them and then I watched the Mother/Son dance and couldn't help but think of my Mother and my own brother. I can't help but feel sad that my parents are gone. It kills me. 

I appreciated my friends honesty this weekend and sharing with me how it must be hard knowing that my parents are and will be in mind throughout every decision, experience, milestone of my life. They are always on my mind.  But I will say, they continue to help me carry on and live the social life that they did. I laughed and smiled this weekend longer that I have in a while. I am grateful for the people in my life who take the time to listen-  try and understand and who offer support and comfort. I hope I can continue to return the friendships....this has been the craziest journey of life that I ever imagined I would ever be on. I continue to crave the presence of my parents in my life and the unconditional love and support that they left behind. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do anymore.....but weekends such as this and coming home to a beautiful smiling daughter, continue to push me along with this aching heart...

All of my love. 

a nice weekend

I had the most vivid dream last night. We were at this bar/restaurant and all my parents friends were there and I saw her. I saw my Mom. She was at a distance and as I started walking toward her, even in my dream, I could feel myself think how she would start to fade away as I knew she really wasn't alive.... but as I got closer and closer it was her. In my dream I seriously felt my stomach have the biggest butterflies when I could finally touch her and give her the biggest longest hug. I was screaming and crying and she was just sitting there wondering what all the fuss was about. And that was it......I woke up and she was gone....she will always be gone......I know my Sister now more then ever needs my Mom and I get so angry. Aydan needs my Mom and Dad -he had his last hockey game of this Season this weekend- I want him to have Grandparents in the stands cheering him on- how will we get through the future milestones?  I need them too. My Aunt needs my Mom more then ever right now as well. Praying for that rain cloud to be lifted from some family members in my life any day now.....

This weekend was a great one- drinks with friends Friday night, Elle and I got our alterations done on our dresses for the upcoming wedding (my eyes almost watered as I watched her just stand there so still- she was precious), Elle had a dinner date with her little friend Trey and I had one of the most perfect days in a long time today.......(after, of course, I realized that seeing my Mom was only in my dream)....It started out with Elle waking up at her usual time 6:30 am; Ted grabs a bowl of cheerios and her milk, turns on some cartoons and she sits in bed with us for about 15-20 minutes. We then went downstairs and Ted made banana pancakes and then got ready for one of my favorite Sunday activities; the market in our square of course. I love walking up there.... getting my coffee, standing in the line for bread, buying a croissant and sharing half of it with Elle as she waves to all of the people......and while I often feel guilty about it (my Mom wouldn't have spent the money on this), my house was being cleaned as we came back to the house....so we spent about an hour with Miss Elle outside in a kiddy pool and put her in a bathing suit for the very first time. I think she is going to absolutely love the beach on our upcoming vacations to Florida and Hilton Head.  

And after such a great morning my girlfriend and I went to a fantastic pilates class. I've been a runner most of my life but ever since my parents passing and with having Elle, I have let it slip by me until recently and I have to say it felt great to attend a class and to focus on my core strength. I am positive I can gain it back and be in shape again one day but for no other reason then to just be healthy and to reduce stress and some of the sadness in my life. It's got to help I assume....

Weekends like this are great.... we're back home, we get to enjoy our friends here in Cincinnati.....the weather was beautiful....Ted got yard work done outside....our house is finally feeling a little cleaner and more organized (just don't open up our closets visitors) but at the same time there was stress. I'm not going to go into it but I feel terrible for the lack of support my Sister has around her. I don't know what to do anymore. I couldn't raise Elle alone either. She's so young. She deserves a Mom and a Dad, Grandparents around, great friends, a husband, neighbors.....ugh, I wish I could do more to help. And then my brother wants to know when I will talk to him. I just can't yet. There is too much sadness that I think it will make the healing process even worse and set me back even further..........this weekend was great but there will always be moments of, "take a deep breathe".......and then I had to open up my wedding scrapbook......they looked so happy and when I really stare at their faces I still find myself in awe that they're really gone. I know it but yet when you look at pictures, the sadness is overwhelming at times because you sit there and think how they are really gone and that they are missing all of these adventures.....and then you picture their voices and laughter and it kills ya. 

Miss you Mommy and Dad. Elle is just getting cuter by the day......I know how much you would enjoy watching her grow....I know how much you loved watching Aydan, especially that first year of his life...I think you videotaped his every move.......that will be special to show him one day. 

All my love, 

Melissa 

stay away biter

MOM!!!!!!!!!!! My Elle was bitten at school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would have called you to complain then I would feel fine.........I am sure you dealt with Aydan and biting........she's fine.....but she was SO sad the teachers said. She was minding her own business, playing with blocks, and a little boy or girl (they don't tell you who performed the act) came right up and bit her right in the arm. Poor thing was startled and had ice applied for several minutes and cried.  I was fine about it.....I just asked some questions as to how they handle biting and basically this is the age( while unacceptable).....Elle will either get bitten or bite in this and or the next classroom. They re-direct the children and obviously if this continued to re-occur, the child would be removed from the school but oh my gosh that is extreme. I am sure this child is not some bully at a mere 12-16 months old. How sad if so. We are not worried as I am certain our "little darling" will clock someone in the head at some point with a toy of some sort. Be nice Elle.....

I have gotten pretty used to having things happen to Elle good or bad and not having Mom to call. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have that person to just call for anything. Moms have a way of making things seem okay even when they are not or they agree right along with you that the situation sucks. I miss that dearly.....I am forgetting what it was like to have a Mother which is heart wrenching to me every day. I try to remember her voice and her smile and her laugh and what she looked like and I close my eyes when I hug Elle and sometimes I pretend it's Mom. I hugged my Mom a lot. I would squeeze her more for a joke but I can just picture me now hugging her in my kitchen. I would try to pick her up. I will miss her and Dad every day until the day I die.... wishing they were here. 

I came across this picture today and couldn't but help stare....the women in this picture...me included.... need Mom the most. We're lost without her.....

All my love, 

letter

no. no. no. no. no..........I have dreaded this day (ever since my brother wrote me a letter from jail a few months after everything happened)- the day he would write me another one. I send him cards trying to be as positive as possible but that's all I have done in the last two years. He tells my Sister what he needs and she communicates through me. I don't even want to know what this letter might say as I know it will be heartbreaking. My Sister said my brother misses family and is very lonely and wants to know why I won't communicate with him or for that matter, anyone else in the family. I just can't imagine hearing his voice or seeing his face. It kills me knowing he is doing better and communicating- it actually makes all of this even more sad. He knows how sick he was and he misses my parents just as much as my Sister and I do. I know he feels like he is trapped, all alone, in a hospital but what I don't think he understands is that my Sister and I feel the same exact way although we are free and we don't carry the burden of being the cause of their death. 

I can't imagine what that might be like but my guess he too tries to block that day out and knows it just wasn't possibly him. I have no idea when it comes to this- what the heck I should do. I feel guilty, sad, angry that I don't see or talk to him but I can't do it right now but I also can't stand the fact that he has no one either. I can't win in this situation. No one will else will talk to my brother. My Sister and I are alone on this one too......my Mom would know how to handle this. I am so torn and feel terrible about it either way. What are we suppose to tell him? 

This weekend I just felt like I was being kicked while already down ya know? I just don't see how "this" can get any easier. Yes, I am "living on"......this tragedy has caused so much heartache and unfortunately some real sadness in some of our family members lives that has changed their lives negatively. For me, I can keep on going and still have fun and enjoy parts of life but all of these thoughts and envy for a normal life goes in and out of my head constantly. The wish just to call my Mom to tell her how much we need her. I miss my Mom and Dad so much. My brother too. Well hell, mine as well mention Grandpa too. I miss my FAMILY and having a place to call home.....

Ted put on a fabulous dinner party for 8 on Saturday. Once I finally got miss Elle down (after a long hour- missed the appetizer course), we opened several bottles of wine, enjoyed Ted's shrimp pasta and other yummy courses that our friends made. It was such a good time sharing a good meal in my dining room with our core group of friends that we have met since being in Cincinnati. We have been so blessed with meeting such fantastic people who we can call our true friends and even though we all have kids, we still make time for adult fun. And then even though we were quite sleepy this morning....we walked up to the square bright and early to get in line at the local market for the fresh bread. As we walked back and headed to our home I was thinking how days like this are exactly why I live where I live and how much I have enjoyed our location. If we do decide to move in the future- I will have such a hard time leaving this area...we'll see. But until then, I will enjoy our Sunday walks to the market all Summer long and will be looking for those few and rare moments of peace...

weekend is almost upon us

I am soooo glad the weekend is almost here.....it's been a long week with things to do at night for work.....work functions/dinners, etc are fun to attend because it's good conversation, good food and usually means a glass or two of wine but that also means less time with Elle, I miss my little run, and you get less done around the house and feel behind.

I was so happy, though,  the babysitter worked wonderfully with Miss Elle tonight since Ted had something to attend as well. My manager/mentor/therapist (at times)  offered up her daughter to come over. I wasn't sure how Elle would do with a stranger but she had a great time...I left while she was eating dinner and came back before bedtime and she was running around smiling...they went for a walk, played with some of her toys and she said she was completely happy and commented on her huge personality. Always nice to here. 

This weekend is going to be "time to get stuff done around the house"....in prep for our upcoming guests in a few weekends and to work on outside a little bit... but never a dull weekend as we are hosting an 8 person dinner party on Saturday. Ted is cooking the main course- a shrimp pasta dish and the other couples will bring additional courses and a wine pairing to share. I am missing a few things like an "8th bowl"....and every time we host a dinner or Holiday gathering I like to get new napkins. I have a thing with napkins, place cards and hand soap. Three of my many obsessions. So shopping will be added to my to-do list....Looking forward to a night with friends at our house and hoping Miss Elle goes down okay after greeting our friends.....

Sunday Ted is participating in a charity run to support our friends organization and Elle and I will attend her little buddies 1st birthday party. It's been so nice watching Elle and our neighbors child grow up together over the last year. When you don't have family nearby, good people around you that are in the same stage as you in life makes the world of difference. 

I am hoping for good weather on Sunday too as I am craving a walk up to the market which started last weekend and buying a few things but mainly for my iced latte that this little stand makes....

I had terrible nightmares and strange dreams these last two night involving my brother. They make me so sad....and knowing he is out there, alone, without my parents too and really only my Sister to talk to is really hard to think of. I have no idea what I should be doing or what my parents would want. I hate that this is part of my life.....I need my Mom here to tell us what to do. 

Hopes for a sunny, fun weekend...

bittersweet

Mother's day was bittersweet. My Mother is gone and I didn't have my Mom to call to wish a happy mother's day to, I had to visit her grave site to remember her beautiful smiling face......I hate this is the way it is and nothing can or will ever change this outcome and great sadness some of us continue to feel. It's the reality that they're never coming back and that we can't see or touch them. It's an indescribable thought when you really start to think how they are really gone.

I had slight anxiety all weekend about going to the cemetery. My Aunt experienced the same thing. But we all met on Mother's day and hugged, cried and smiled and wished my Mom a Happy Mother's day. My Aunt, Ted's Mom and my best friend came along who also brought her daughter. I want Elle to know this is a part of our life now, we remember those we lost tragically and this is a way we honor their lives on special days. It's heartbreaking to think that she won't ever really understand. She won't know them other then seeing pictures and hearing my stories. What if she won't care and what if she won't want to go to the grave site with me. I have those fears. I didn't go with my Mom...she took Aydan. My Parents would give anything to be here today to see Elle, to spend time with us at the lake, to spend a week in Cincinnati with us, to take a family vacation or two with us and they're gone and it's lonely and you find yourself angry. No one can ever replace your own parents. I miss being able to be myself and say anything I wanted and asking for help when I needed it. I miss them SO very much and I miss them even more when Elle hugs me tightly because I know how proud Mom would be and how her heart would just melt at the sight of her. Elle is very sensitive to other's feelings....she pat kids heads at daycare when they're crying....I myself was crying loudly in the car yesterday and she just stared looking concerned for me- ha...it was after being pulled over for speeding and the jerk didn't even give me a break with it being Mother's day and all. I even had the baby in back with flowers sitting in the front seat....UGH, the nerve.

I continue to think milestones and holidays will be bittersweet. I think I will always, always wish I had my Mom and Dad here to witness this and to have them in my life to call, come down, and to be involved with our life. This is all so much different then normal loss of life because they should absolutely still be here and that's the hardest part to accept. One day they were here- happy and young and the next they are out of your life, gone forever. It's a lot to accept and hard to think of the future without them...........

On a positive note, Ted and I are celebrating 7 years of marriage today. I have said it time and time again....life is flying before my eyes. To think it was 7 years ago that my Dad walked me down the aisle, 7 years ago that my Mom had her hair done just as I recommended and it made her look SO young and beautiful............what a party.................I thank my parents and grandparents for instilling in me that we stick together until the end. While they tragically died together, my Parents, married for 30 years stuck it out through thick and thin, through sickness and health and all of the above. The only positive in this entire ending is that they never had to live on without one another. I worry about that and what Ted or I would do one day. I can't imagine the immense loneliness......it's already such a lonely feeling without your parents and then to face life alone after your husband or wife has passed must be challenging as well. But I pray life will be good to me from this day forward and that my family experiences natural loss and pain that is expected.....please never unexpected again. It's the worst kind of pain imaginable.

Happy 7 years..........we've been in Chicago, Boston and now Cincinnati, traveled to so many beautiful places, enjoyed our family and friends along the way with heavy sadness that changed our lives but we continue to stick together while learning along the way.

Melissa

I miss her

Tears rolled down by cheeks tonight as I rocked Elle to sleep. I miss my Mom, I miss my Mom, I miss my Mom, I MISS MY MOM!!!!!!!!! And I miss my Dad so very much too it's just that Mother's day is almost here and I wanted nothing more then to call my Mom to see what she was up to tonight. She'd be watching CSI and would be annoyed I would be interrupting her show. This sucks. 

Mom saved everything and she must have known we would need these things one day. Every time I would go home they would gripe at me to take some of my childhood things back to Cincinnati. I would say no, throw it away, our house is already filled with stuff as it is. She didn't listen...instead she would hide things in my house when they would visit. For example, I found a Christmas musical globe given to me from my Aunt, in my bedroom drawer....I found my girl scout vest with all of my earned patches in my coffee table drawer. I laugh about it now but that stuff was important especially because it was important to her. I should have recognized it then but luckily she didn't give up and now I have a lot of things I know she wanted me to have and look at all along. She even saved our dresses as babies....and she labeled everything in handwritten. 

I found a Mother's day card I made for her about 4 years ago. I made it on the computer and imported several pictures of us kids, Mom and I, Aydan and Dad. Inside I typed, "Happy Mother's day Mom (I was surprised to not see Mommy but I think because it was from both Ted and I)! Hope you have a great day. I can't wait to live closer to you guys even though you will miss the great town of Plymouth! Thanks for being a great Mom. Love ya, Melissa and Ted

Thinking of that minute she took reading that card and stuffing it away somewhere to save makes me feel a little better...she knew I cared but it's not enough to take all of this sadness and wishing they were here away. I miss them so very much and there's nothing I can do about it but to keep moving along.....

Happy Mother's day to my beautiful Mother who should be here today. You are painfully missed so much by so many! 

All my love, 

Melissa

thinking differently

It hasn't always felt this way but I am looking forward to being back in MI this weekend. While it's giving me some anxiety...I want to go to the cemetery and I am appreciative I have friends and family that want to come along with me. I am tired of feeling this wave of sadness come over me when I enter the state of MI knowing that I won't be able to drive down to Allen Park to see my folks and into Wyandotte to see Grandpa.........but I got some great advice from my therapist about going back to MI and thinking differently; think of going home and seeing the grave, think of going home to catch up with old friends (so I set up a dinner), think of going home and seeing your Sister (I'm taking her shopping), think of going home as seeing your best friend's baby (I will stop by and visit with her), think of going home and seeing your nephew (I'll catch a soccer game).... think of the GOOD things that are STILL in MI and try to NOT focus on what isn't there anymore or it will be a viscous cycle.

And I am thrilled for tomorrow.....I was in charge of putting together a spa day for the office girls and tomorrow afternoon, I will be relaxing, while snacking on cheese and fruit, and getting a pedicure and talking to my co-workers in an outside of work setting. It will be a nice break for all of us. We all work hard, most of us are Mother's, juggling family, career and somewhat of a personal life. And it's only a few days before Mother's day so I thought it was perfect timing. Many of these women don't take time for themselves- I admire many of them- and I want to see them relax and enjoy a day away from it all.

To a good day tomorrow and to a weekend of looking at things differently.....

all my love,
Melissa

support around you

What do you do when someone complains of not having enough support when you know for a fact they have much more help and support then yourself and sister..... I struggle with this one. I hear complaints all of the time around me or through others. All while I watch my younger Sister be a single Mom with no family or grandparents around to help out. I think back to when I had first had Elle. We were so grateful for Ted's Mom who came down for a week-she made the transition so easy- but then Ted and I were on our own for a few months and Ted went back to work and here I was alone in my home. I did really well, though. I don't say this much but I was very proud of myself. I figured I would be the classic case of post partum depression with everything that had happened but I did okay on my own. Elle was really an easy baby despite the constant eating and not sleeping for more then 2 hour stretches the first month. And we had so many visitors on the weekend to keep my spirits up and to make the days with Elle alone even better knowing friends or family would be visiting on the weekend. We will also never forget that we did have Ted's mom come back a few months later and stayed in our home when I went back to work. It was a priceless gift to keep her out of daycare one more month but it was hard for me too. I know how much joy my Mom would have had being here with Cindy too. They would have had a great time together or maybe they would have split up the time. Makes me sad.

I can't snap at people at tell them, "well, you have more help then my Sister does or that I had", I just have to listen or maybe plug my ears and hope and pray that they one day are appreciative for what they have and that there are people out there with no parents or grandparents to help them throughout raising their children. I am realizing more and more how strong my Sister and I are....some days I don't feel that way but when I look around me, I know this is so true. Not many could handle this and while painful, we are different maybe better people because of it.

Next week Ted and I have two conflicts. I left frustrated this morning. We both have dinners on Wednesday and Thursday that we cannot miss. Both of our careers are important; there isn't one that is more important, they are equal but these are the tough days that we will continue to have and it worries me even more so when I think about having another child in the future. Can we really do it all on our own while both working? I got to hope that we can and one day truly believe that my parents are sending down lots of strength as they watch us from above. It all sounds great, right? Now it's just believing it. I'm amazed at how much your faith is questioned when you can't make sense of something. I'm envious of people with strong faith but yet I think if they suffered a tragic loss they too would question and have anger. I think of my Grandmother; in a wheelchair for a great part of her life; raised 3 awesome children...all so different.....she had a smile on her face everyday and such a strong faith. I wish I would have told her more what an influence she has had on my adult life now as I reflect on my childhood watching her. I didn't know it until much later in life what an important role my parents and grandparents would play.

To single mother's out there, I wish for moments of quietness and a helping hand from time to time from people who care and recognize you need it. and to dual parents that live out of state with no one around to help- surround yourself by good friends and neighbors- they will offer great support. and to anyone else that is suffering the loss of their parents and feels down that you have to rely on one set of grandparents and you feel so sad and bad doing so, take deep breaths. That's all the advice and hope I have........

All my love,
Melissa

May is here

A rainy, muggy weekend in Cincinnati but I was happy to say goodbye to the month of April. It's just too painful from beginning to end. 

It was a low key weekend spent at home but always time to squeeze in a little fun. Elle started feeling much better later in the week so we were able to get out of the house a little bit......we grabbed dinner at our local Mexican food spot Friday evening with our neighbors then Saturday headed over to their house for a little Kentucky derby BBQ. Ted made mint juleps to be festive; after one sip I went back to Wine. They were so very strong but fun....the boys enjoyed them. 

Elle, knock on wood, has been a fantastic sleeper and napper for the last few months. I hope this stays  true as we travel to FL, up to the lake, and to HH Island this Summer. I am so looking forward to some of the events and trips we have planned. I need things to look forward to. I don't do a very good job on being "in the moment" and being so excited for the day's events. I tend to look ahead when I'm down and think of happier days ahead spent with my friends and family. Sad to admit, I don't ever feel like I have that "so excited" feeling anymore which really sucks. I think back to two years ago; being excited and overly happy was a big part of who I was. But I have accepted I am a new person because of this and I continue to look for ways to bring in more happiness but it's challenging.... Luckily I have a beautiful, healthy daughter- and when she squeezes her little arms around my neck for a big, big hug....it makes it  even more clear how much my own Mother loved me. A love for a child is beyond words.......thank you Mom and Dad.