Aloha

I did not think Ted being in Hawaii my last week of maternity leave would be this bad. I literally could vomit I have been so upset. I want to be in Hawaii. I know it was my decision to say I couldn't go when I was pregnant- so he took his brother, which is great, but I am left here alone for the week with the kids....and I am not going to lie, it sucks.

It's not the kids...they're great. It's me....ever since my Parents died, I HATE being alone and I thought being in MI would make it a little better since Ted's Mom would be here in the evenings and could help get Elle down, someone to eat dinner with, but it's been hard....with Elle not in school, there's not much we can do here. I miss my walks, getting coffee with friends and at least there is not this hurtful pain in my heart that there is no one here- in terms of my family to visit my Son-when in Cincinnati. We spent time with Christina over the weekend and she's thankfully having us over to her apartment for dinner tomorrow. She is so overwhelmed with school full time and Aydan and trying to get her life in order. I am so glad we got to spend some time together but she is busy during the day, everyone works...so this was just a bad idea. Cindy is so sweet and took us and the kids shopping and to dinner a few nights ago. But I sadly kept thinking of Ted sipping on amazing cocktails in one of the most beautiful places in the World. I want to be there with my husband. I really miss Ted....he's been traveling so much. I am so complicated....I have changed so much these last three years. Relationships are tough enough and you add in the tragedy, two new children and heavy work travel......emotions are high........I wish I was carefree and could accept my parents death, and smaller things like...Ted is in Hawaii...I couldn't go but I have this beautiful 3 month year old Son that needed me that still eats every 2 hours, he wouldn't have enjoyed Hawaii-let's be honest...BUT it's so hard to accept the really hard stuff that has happened and it's hard to let go of this week and let it be what it is. And my expectations need to be lowered. I thought he'd call more. That's okay. I know he's having fun with his brothers and he SO deserves this trip but so do I. Some days. from the ones I am closest to, I just want understanding but maybe they'll never really understand what it's like.

I will get through this week......he'll be back on Friday and this Hawaiian trip will be in the past and no one can ever take these 15 weeks away from my Son and I and the extra weeks this Summer that I got to spend with Elle. She's just my little friend these days.....she melted my heart today when she said the following, "don't worry Mommy, papa will be back soon.....or, "you can't go, I'll miss you" or, "do you miss your Mommy in heaven? my other gramma is at work". She is wise beyond her years and I am so sorry and guilty that I am not happier this week and that I am not soaking in the moments. I did smell her hair tonight for a long time when singing her songs before bed. As my therapist says, focus on senses....smell, touch, taste, take deep breathes...there will be less time for my mind to race and to think and to get myself all worked up.........tough week Mom and Dad. I would love more than anything to drive to Allen Park to see you this week. We'd hang out. Mom and I would take the kids places. I miss my Family in Heaven, in Hawaii and frankly I miss my Family that is right in front of me.
I will sign off with this.....I am grateful for the memories I have had with my loved ones, my amazing trip to Hawaii with Ted 5 years ago and countless other places, and the beautiful children I have in front of me.....may this week end better than it started and may Ted get home safely.

Love,
Melissa

thinking of the kids!

It breaks my heart watching the today show this week as they cover the 10 year anniversary of 9/11...and I was so touched when they featured many of the children, now grown up, who lost a parent in this tragedy. A camp has been created called "America's camp" for the children that suffered loss during 9/11. A place where they can come to be a kid and most importantly from my perspective, be surrounded by others that feel the same way and can understand their pain. I look at these kids and I think while I hate the way my parents died-probably one of the worst ways to go- yet at least I had my parents through my childhood years, they got to watch me graduate high school, sit in the stands to cheer me on for 8 years of running track and clap with pride as I accepted MVP my senior year and camp champ at the annual cheer leading camp I attended, and Mom got to move me in to my first apartment in Kalamazoo, MI and then watch me graduate from WMU and accept my first job in Chicago........Ted was able to ask my Dad if he could marry me...and my parents got to watch their first daughter marry a guy they adored.....and they got to travel to all the different places we lived....and they got to welcome their first Grandchild to the world...while my heart aches every day for different reasons-they are missing SO much, today I reflect on what I did get to experience-that these 9/11 kids never did.....I had the best parents and I think that's why this has been even more painful...knowing what could have been.

Today is grandparents day at Elle's school....I sent in a book that Cindy put together for Elle when she was born called "in case you ever wonder"...inside is a picture of my parents and one of her and Steve.....I took this book to school for Elle today. She plans to share with her class that she has grandparents in heaven and grandparents in MI. I want Elle to know and understand. What if she never does?

Mom lost her Mom around 30...even though Gramma got to meet us all and babysit and celebrate birthdays, I know Mom lived her next 20 years wishing her Mom was here. I now relate and my biggest fear is that my kids will one day relate....I pray they never have to miss Ted and I at a young age. I would never want them to be sad, wishing we were here along their journey....I hope I can raise them to understand and believe that we are always with them...no matter what. I wish continued peace and faith for the 9-11 kids and my own family and anyone else out there who has lost parents at a young age....sending you the biggest hug and understanding of your pain...

I have two weeks left with Harrison....this has gone by so fast....I will be so sad to leave him.

All my love,

Melissa