one of those weeks!

Another one of those weeks wishing I had a Mom. It's just so strange to not have her to call when things go wrong - I feel alone yet I am getting used to it. These are my kids and I have to care and love for them regardless if I don't have Mom and Dad to love them as much as we do and to care about every little detail - the milestones, the sicknesses, or frankly anything that either of the kids do that is funny (to us). Harry had a bad week...the poor kid, he is SUCH a sweetheart - he cannot catch a break these last few months. He continues to suffer from ear infections (he's undergoing ear tube surgery on Valentines day of all days) and this week he caught the nasty cough also known as "croup" which caused wheezing (strider) and it got pretty bad and caused some concern of his airways closing. We were overly cautious and I stayed overnight with him at Children's hospital to monitor him throughout the night. He did OK and was released the following day. Back up a minute....prior to leaving to take Harry to the hospital that evening - miss Elle who already had a bad day (she was bit by her friend) fell and cut above her eye open pretty badly. So....we all got in the car and headed to the ER as a Family. The Nurses and Doctors were so sweet and understanding and felt terrible both of kids were needing to be seen. Needless to say we were relieved when Ted's Mom arrived the next day. Not only is she an RN, she is always willing to help and we so appreciated her taking off work so she could watch over Harry for a few days so we could return to work. It's tough both working. I love my career and work for a great "family" company but the bottom line is - it's a business and regardless if they are flexible, the work has to get done. We are on our own here in Cincy and that's OK....we are adults, we can do this but at times I do wish we had more support around or near us. We have met incredible friends that we love dearly but our backup is limited and it's really made me consider getting a nanny. I don't like the idea of one person caring my children. I like them in a social environment where there are more eyes on them and they get the amazing benefit of school like structure and learning. Elle is so smart and I want the same for Harry but the first few years are so tough from an illness standpoint and it throws a wrench in the system when you have two working parents and no one around. It falls on you. Someone has to stay home.

I miss my Mom's voice...I miss her calmness and sweet natured caring loving person that she was. I was always the hyper-type A daughter.....I wish I was as laid back as she was. If she was around family and friends, she was happy. She was always laughing. So much time has gone by...it's so hard to believe I have been parent-less for almost 4 years. I still feel like everyday I am one second away from breaking down and running into a corner to cry my eyes out....I fight it everyday... I change stations on songs, turn off shows or movies that make me too sad and struggle listening to others at time. But no one would ever know it as I live a fairly normal life from the outside in...no one would ever know that beyond the great career, nice home, healthy-beautiful kids....that I have a lot of baggage - my brother, the lake, the death. But then again, many people have baggage and things that cause them pain. I can so relate to them and I wish I could tell them that we'll get through it. We'll keep going. Let's hold on to all of those good memories we have. No one can ever take them away and that we are one of the lucky ones who get to understand the importance of life earlier than most and raise our children even better because of it. Our devastation's bring strength and a feeling that if I can get through THIS then surely I can get through anything that is brought my way. But I worry about that statement. Yes, I am strong but I don't think I could handle anything else. I want to live the rest of my life without tragedy. I want to be here for my kids when they have kids. I don't ever want them to be lonely like me.

I miss you Mommy and Dad......and Mom would have became a Great AUNT today.....your niece (my flower girl!) welcomed a healthy baby girl Savanna Mae at Wyandotte hospital this morning....your Sister is ecstatic. I pray this is what their family needs to bring peace to their hearts. You were missed during this time so much.

And I am thinking of my girlfriends who recently welcomed beautiful children into the World...motherhood if the best gift ever.

all my love,
Melissa