over it. I swear.

After being rather bothered today, I'm over it. Everyone is different...and what's important varies by individual. I cannot make anyone do anything even if I think it is the most fun special idea ever. Ever since my parents died, I even more so crave togetherness, family, friends, special moments for my kids with their family...the problem is our family is small & the invite list has shrunk significantly - so much has changed, the dynamic we once knew is no longer and there is distance to a lot of our family and friends. I envision cousins sharing the same birthday cake, family & friend vacations where everyone's schedules (and wallets) are the same and everyone can go, I dream of everyone attending each other's special events... I guess, even if it's my own fault, feeling like I have to be the planner, the one to take initiative to keep everyone together is often draining and it impacts me emotionally. And so my Mom is looking down and saying, "then stop doing it! forget about it! Do your own thing! Do what's important to you!". I get it Mom, I really do...my therapist even confirms that I am a very family centered person almost to a fault. My expectations that everyone else will be the same is setting myself up for disappointment time and time again. But I always wonder why I am like this.

From this day forward I pledge to do my own thing whether it ends up being just my kids, my husband, my dog (and likely Chris and Aydan) then I need to be OK with this. Everyone has lives...everyone has their own plans...their own agendas...I have amazingly special, supportive friends who love us from a distance and here locally.... family who no matter if they can be present or not for special events always send such generous things and thoughtful cards to let us know how much we are loved.

I think back to almost 4 years ago. I was more carefree (with some OCD of course)...my life and thoughts and expectations have changed so drastically since Mom and Dad died but also by having my own children. I hope I will always be there for others and to be able to tell if someone else really needs me as well and know when those special moments are critical to embark on. I would hate to disappoint someone without knowing it mattered so much. I wish my heart was more open these days, I shut down and stick to myself sometimes but it's only because I am bothered or sad. I wish I could breathe easier, be more relaxed, go with the flow, and not to feel so heavy at times with this darn tragedy on my shoulders. They say one day it will lift If I let it but I hang on to it because I am so afraid to let go. It would be so much easier to only remember the good times and what amazing parents there were. But, it's just not that simple.

Off to start planning a possible upcoming dinner party, finish my playroom ideas so we can start ordering some stuff, Easter dinner menu for our house this year and something memorable to make 4/7 less sad, search for ideas to pass on to my Sister-in-law for her baby shower, "pinning" fun mason jar drinks to serve at Harry's 1st birthday lunch in MI, find fun creative outdoor activities for the family reunion in CT and get working on a fun picture banner to display our family photos (many of which I haven't met and cousin(s) I adore that I cannot wait to give the biggest squeeze ever to), and start the planning for my Sister's nursing graduation party (she hasn't even passed yet and is currently working her @3$ off) which is literally over a year away but I get SO gitty of the thought of her finally graduating that it makes me SO happy to envision this event. Mom and Dad will be so proud. Maybe this is my problem...I plan too much, my expectations are too high.

What's my problem?