proud

Just when you think your going to have a decent day with happy thoughts, it totally gets squashed. 

One week from today, my parents were killed. I wanted to call my parent's good friend/neighbor today since it's doubtful I'll make many calls next week. I can already feel the pit in my stomach enlarging. I talked to them about Elle and how they've been dealing with things over the past year. "It's been a tough Winter" they said. "We always spent it indoors with Patty and Jerome". 

Then in talking with them I found out my Mom's friend/neighbor was held up at gun point a few months ago while working at a local bank. She told me how scared and shaky she was and the first person she thought of was my Mother. She was telling me how scared she was and this person was a complete stranger. I cannot imagine it being my own Son. 

See, some people don't understand I don't know a lot of the details of the actual shooting. I cannot handle them. But I am pretty certain now and probably have known this for quite some time, my Mother saw my brother through the door. That absolutely kills me. Why did she have to see him? Did she look when she heard the noise? My poor Mommy, seeing her only Son who she loved so much? This is the part that I cannot handle. I tell myself it's not true or if it was-it was too quick for her to process. But, she was alive for an hour and I am so sad for my Mother for that hour. 

"I can't imagine losing both of my parents at the same time" she said.  No you can't but that's not that worst part, we'll all lose our parents one day. It's how and when they went. It will haunt me for the rest of my life no matter how wonderful my life still is. 

My life is wonderful. But it will never be as wonderful as it should have been. 

I am fearful for the future. I feel like I have no one to make proud anymore. My Dad's yelling at me right now....you have Ted! you have Elle! you have awesome friends and family-- make them proud!  Yes, but I loved making my parents proud. No one will ever be as excited as my parents for ME. A job promotion, a new house, a race, most importantly-my parenting, ............no one will ever be as proud of me as my Parents.  That sucks.  

On April 7th, they're trying to gather friends up to my Dad's favorite local spot Boomers. So, if you live in the area stop up there that evening if you can.  I know a picture hangs in the bar of my Parents. My Dad would be very proud of that! 

I'll never forget driving back from the funeral home to make the arrangements and we passed Boomers and it said in big letters, Rest in Peace Pat & Jerome. 

What a nightmare. 

Sunday-cupcakes, Elle and a nap with Grace...

Good luck...

After Ted made us all breakfast, we sent our friends  Laura and Mike off to visit their family in Kentucky, and I decided to organize my cupboard that is dedicated to Elle's bottles, tools, a toaster, and my recipe box.....great organization... Needless to say the recipe box had some dust on it seeing as I rarely cook. My Mom was a recipe junkie. She loved them. Cut them out of magazines, wrote them down from others or off a tv show, etc.  She also apparently wrote some recipes out for me, when  I wasn't looking. Her famous chocolate cheesecake that she made for Ted all of the time was handwritten in my recipe box with of course one of her famous notes. 

"Good luck Melissa, Love Mommy" she even dated it....August 10th, 2005 (Christina's bday) 

She was so good with little notes like this. It's almost like she knew I would one day really need these little words from her to remind me how much she loved and cared for me. I liked this note on the recipe so much that it's now framed, in my kitchen . Inspiration perhaps. 

Now I feel guilty though. I'd never watch her make it to learn--I'd just steal tastes of the batter, she'd try so many times to make me watch. Clearly it was important to her if she left the recipe behind. But, once again, scared of failure I let my Sister master "the cheesecake".  Well for Easter we are trying her "pig pickn' cake" (don't ask--just trust me--it's amazing) so perhaps I will make that one and let me Sister watch. We'll see.

I miss your desserts Mommy! You really left your mark with them.

Blessed from two above...

Elle Patricia Close.....now 10 weeks old....

hair color: brown so far (first brown haired Elle Woods perhaps?)

eye color: blue 

fun features: my nose, daddy's ears, my dad and Christina's long fingers

weight: we find out tomorrow but we suspect mid 10 0r 11 lbs...

favorite color: pink, what other colors exist?

likes: breast milk and day sleeping but going for 5-6 hours at night in a row

dislikes: being changed and tummy time

favorite toy: an inexpensive, colorful rattle that we now lost...

favorite activity: being bounced and being held

my new family

A family loss............a family gain............

We lose people that are close to us. It's a fact of life. But, this early in life I never thought about losing my parents......to be honest, I never really even thought or prepared myself for losing anyone. 

I was young when both of my Grandmothers died. They were a huge part of my life up until the point of them dying, but I was too young to really understand the impact of losing someone important. I remember visiting my Grandma Greiner in the hospital.....she was bloated and didn't even look like her a few days before she passed. My Mother was probably devestated when she died and to think, I was not even there for her. Again, I was too young to really be there for my Mom but I am sad that I wasn't older. Because now I know how she must felt, eventhough her circumstances were different. She was prepared, as prepared as anyone can be I guess, but was able to say goodbye. But she was so, so sad and I never understood. But boy do I now...

I think one of the hardest things for me moving forward is dealing with other deaths and helping others. I don't want to become less sensitive when other people pass, but to me it would be such a blessing to be able to say goodbye to a loved one or even better...to not have them die tragically-it would  be so much easier to only remember the happy times. Even if that loved one were suffering from a disease such as MS or Diabetes- both the cause of my Grandmothers deaths, you are somewhat prepared. 

I never got to say I love you one last time or thank them for all they have done or tell them how much they will be missed. I had a very normal conversation with my Mother on Sunday, the day before she died. It was a quick call because we were up late the night before eating and drinking with our neighbors. Ted made us all Mexican and Jessie brought us over Mexican wine. I told her about the food we made and she told me what a great time she had with her Sister and kids the night before. My Dad made her breakfast Sunday morning when she got home. My Dad always cooked my Mom breakfast. 

Sadly, I talked to my Dad the Wednesday before they died yet he was always in the background when I'd talk to Mom. It was such a stupid conversation. Can't beleive it was the last one. We were talking about the IVY in our front yard. THE IVY!!!! Are you kidding me? I was complaining how it was dead and wasn't growing well.... he suggested replacing it with "rocks". He had an obsession with rocks. If you know my Dad, you are well aware of this. He built me a rock garden by the mailbox he installed for Ted and I at our condo in Plymouth. I called my old neighbor last week to see if the rock garden still exsisted. It does and she is working on taking a picture for me and sending it. All rocks hand collected from the beach and placed by my Dad........

I so wish I would have told my Dad what a great job of raising me he did and how funny he was and what a great cook he was and how much I loved him and sorry about the Ford Focus. I should have kept it and continued making payments on it even when I was given the company car. I should have never let the burden lie on Christina or Mom. That car was such a pain in the ass. You'd laugh now though. Christina is driving it! Yes, miss car snob is over her miles on her SUV and is using the focus in the meantime.  I know you guys are laughing now.....

I just hope you know Dad......I just hope you and Mom both knew how much you were appreciated and loved. I'm not sure you did and that makes me really sad. 

I have lost so much...yet gained so much....all in one short year...

why here?

I took Elle to the cemetery this past weekend while in MI. How depressing..........I never in a million years imagined taking my first child to see my parents grave, both of them at the same time. 

Aunt Kim and I attended a baby shower for my Mom's god child and it was clear, Mom was missing. She was the smiley, friendly one hugging and chatting it up with the family. Kim and I loved seeing the family but honestly, these events are really hard as I never attended functions like this without my Mom. It's hard to focus on anything other than the fact that she wasn't there. 

We decided that after the shower we would go to the cemetery which would later lead to many tears.......

The hardest part is when you first walk up the hill. I always look for the 4 trees. That's how I know I parked in the right spot near their grave site. The hardest part is seeing the last name "Olszowy"but then seeing both of their names. "What?" you ask yourself. "Why are they both here right now?" We needed you and I have a daughter now and I really, really want you both to meet her and be a part of her life.  We got angry, sad, said a few swear words, left the little egg nest and poem that was given to us as a favor at the grave site, and left.......as Kim and I drove our separate ways after a long hug, tears continued to fall as I watched her drive off thinking how said I am for her that she too lost Mom and Dad. They were everything to her too and she needed them. 

I wasn't going to go but Aunt Kim and I decided Mom would be bummed if we didn't visit but Dad would be yelling, "stop crying over me, will you leave this place already!"

It's not as if you need to visit the cemetery to remember them. I'll always remember them and they're in my thoughts constantly, but still......I think visiting would be important to my Mother. 

I told Ted when I got home, "I don't want to be buried and have Elle visit and cry over me..........throw me into the ocean......" (not sure if this will work seeing as I do not want to be cremated). Well, one day I will have this discussion with Elle.........morbid, perhaps a little, but I wish Mom and I would have had these discussions on visiting the cemetery when their gone, and how she would not want me to be sad, etc. But of course, we never thought there were any reasons to have these conversations. Not this early and certainly not this way. 

I need your help in getting past how you died. No one else will ever know (thankfully) what it's like to live every day knowing and picturing how you were killed. It's a constant scary movie playing in my mind that just won't stop. Trust me, I'd love to only "think of the good times" people say to me. But it's so much easier said then done.  

Miss you Mommy and Dad, 

Melissa and your granddaughter- Elle

Why did I have to take Elle here? Why now? Why this way??????

St. Patty's Day

My parents loved St. Patrick's Day "St. Patty's Day".......

My Mom's Dad and her siblings referred to her as Patty. I can still hear in my mind, "that's not Patty" as one of her sisters cried as they first saw my Mother in the casket. No, it sure didn't look like the beauty that she was....

They were so much fun, so young and we loved having them in Cincinnati to go out with now that we were grown and "mature" enough to drink with our parents. 

They came down a few years ago and my Mother had the shirt, hat, necklace and all. She was ready to party! We took them out to a few bars and then came back to the house and Dad cooked up Corn Beef and Cabbage. We were so lucky to have them as both friends and parents and they are so missed. I would do anything to have them here today to have a green beer with. 

You are remembered every single day and every memory shared is documented with pictures and laughter but they also make me extremely sad because this all I have left of you......are pictures.  My St. Patty's Day celebrations spent with you....are over. But, I am lucky to have spent many with you. I think a lot of  people my age don't have young, fun parents who enjoyed life like you did. And for that, I am thankful. 

Cincinnati is gorgeous today. 73 degrees. We're headed to our neighbors tonight for dinner and possibly a Guinness or two.  (can't wait to have a Guinness in Ireland at a "real" Irish pub)

more ice cream...

Although I truly enjoyed being home visiting with family and staying with my in-laws, a weight was lifted off my shoulders as I left the State of Michigan. My parents are on my mind 24-7, yes even with a new baby, but while at home it was much more difficult. I was depressed. We had my Mom's Sister and Brother over on Saturday at the Close's along with other family and as much as I love being with them, it's also a huge reality check that they're never going to be around again. Pictures were being passed around that my Aunt brought to give to my Uncle. Of course I had to look....all photos of my Mom smiling with her siblings. She had so much fun when she was with family. She was always the funny one, getting everyone to laugh. We all miss her so much. 

My Sister and I were talking yesterday as I was driving home on how no-one, not a baby/child or a husband/boyfriend could ever fill the void of our parents or replace the love they gave us. The love you get from your parents is like no other and we will live on with that love missing for the rest of our lives.....I feel like my Sister and I are too young to be missing that already and it's not fair. 

I did have a great time though despite the sadness. The Close's house has officially become my second home now and I enjoy being there. Except for the fact that I ate cookies and cadbury chocolate eggs all week, the post pregnancy weight is not coming off. I got to spend time with my Sister and Aydan and I was able to introduce Elle to family, some of my girlfriends and was able to spend time with my dear friend Reagan. Her year hasn't been the greatest either but when we're together, you'd never know anything was wrong with either of us as we laugh, laugh, laugh and eat, eat, eat. We always have to get ice cream when we're together...but we did manage to sneak a run in. 

Sunday when I returned back from Cincinnati was one of my most favorite days in a long time. It was beautiful here and I actually got Ted to take a long walk with me, even after a "leg day" which is what he calls after a hard leg workout at the gym. But he now will never say no to a walk because we now have Elle and walks are more fun with her. We admired all of the beautiful homes toward Ault Park, spotted a male bulldog rolling around on some one's lawn, smiled at all of the runners passing us by and then ended the day by taking Elle to her first dinner outside in Hyde Park Square which is one of our favorite things to do.  Then, which cannot be a habit this Spring, we had to stop off at Greaters Ice Cream (do you believe it Reagan? After Cold Stone?!) and I had my last dessert for the week. Ha, we'll see how long this lasts.....

what i've been up to.....

I had the privilege of picking up my nephew, Aydan from school today. What a beautiful school. It's right on a farm and it's very unique. It was after school so he was downstairs in the playroom when I got there. He got a huge smile on his face when I arrived, "Aunt Missy" he yelled.
He is staying the night with Elle and I at the Close's tonight. I gave my Sis a break so her and Matt could go to the Red Wings game. She is constantly running, running, running so I will watch him tonight and drop him off at school tomorrow. Should be an interesting morning trying to get Aydan ready in addition to feeding and changing Elle and loading them both in my car to get Aydan there on time. Should be interesting. But then again, my Mother had all three of us at my age so I'm sure I'll manage.

A good friend of mine from Allen park came over today to meet Elle. We talked about life for a few hours and she also could not believe it has almost been a year. She's a great friend and actually cleaned my parents house for me right before we put it on the market. It was such a big help and I'm sure it wasn't easy for her.

Ted is back in MI this week so I have to send him his morning and evening "Elle Bell" picture. I'll be sure to post some when I am back in Cincinnati. She is smiling more then ever now........

Tomorrow my great friend from College is staying at the Close's for the weekend-she said she's bringing wine and chocolate from her recent trip to Italy-yum! and Saturday I'm having Aunts and Uncles over to meet Elle. Should be a good weekend with family and friends before heading back home......

"hot"

I have ran a few half marathons and barely sweat. Not saying it wasn't hard, I'm just not a "sweat-er". But yesterday, I sweat.....a lot. My long time friend Laura took me to Brigham yoga and what an experience that was. The room is over 100 degrees and for an hour 1/2 they put you in these challenging poses. I was nervous I would get dehydrated so I stopped and drank water during a pose. Evidently that was a yoga no-no. I got scolded by the instructor. "only in between poses" she says. Oh, okay, I will just die of dehydration-haha. So I obeyed. Gum chewing is also a no no I soon found out. I also got scolded. "you need to spit that out" she said. So I did what she said. I spit it out right on the yoga mat! Only kidding, I put it on my water bottle cap which ended up in the water bottle. Luckily I had two.

It was actually a really good workout. I was amazed at my friend Laura, I had no idea she was so flexible and in such amazing shape. I think my favorite part of the entire class is that for the first time in the past year my mind was actually on nothing else but the task at hand. That was nice for once to just think about yourself (and how freaking hot you are, not hot as in attractive but so hot you can barely breath!).

And, yes Laura...we're still friends!

I had the strangest dream last night, by the way Elle slept for close to 6 hours then another 2-3.
I was wandering in my parents neighborhood and all of sudden I found myself just walking in the front door to look around. There was this huge picture of my Mom in the living room and a lot of her things. It was painted different and they re-did the kitchen but I noticed a lot of the same things. In my dream I distinctly remember many of the details and me picking up a lot of the objects in the house. All of sudden the front door opened and it was the new owners. I immediately went up to her and said how sorry I was and that I was Pat & Jerome's daughter and how I accidentally just walked in. They were really nice to me and we ended up talking at their kitchen table. They were crying and saying how much they missed them. It's strange because the current owners do not know my parents, only through the news. I have a feeling I dreamed about the house because I have to head back down there today to visit with my Grandpa. Mom Close must have made chocolate chip cookies this morning before work (go super Mom) as I had Ziploc bags filled with them to take to my Grandpa.

Christina is finally feeling better today so I get to spend time with her and Aydan.....finally!
Yes Mom, she still gets sick...constantly.

I know you wouldn't want me sad Mom and Dad, but it's really, really hard. Especially when I'm "home" where you're suppose to be. It is honestly the strangest/hardest feeling in the world to just drive by your street and not be stopping. I just pass through. Can anyone imagine that? Not being able to go back to where you grew up? your hometown? It's sad and I feel so horrible for my parents that they suffered this...

"bad day"-isn't that just a song?

Yesterday sucked. Ted and I made the drive from his parents house with Elle, through Allen Park...to visit my Grandpa in Wyandotte. Driving there instantly brought the devastation and reality back that they're gone. I hadn't cried that hard in a while. I do much worse when I'm back in Michigan but I won't stop coming here. I have to continue to face my fears. I don't plan on it ever getting easier.....it's just not possible when it happened this way. It's not possible.

I had a great time enjoying Polish Food with my Aunt from Atlanta, cousin and her husband, Grandpa, Ted and Elle but I'm always 100% aware that they're missing.

I must sound like a broken record, but it's not getting any easier being back here. It's still always on my mind at home in Cincinnati but wow is it ever multiplied here.

I am enjoying being back here for a week though. I got to surprise my friend at her 30th birthday party last night, my first night out post baby. Gramma and Grampa Close happily watched Elle Bell and I'll spend time with my Sister and Aydan and plan to shop, catch up with some friends and see more family next weekend to introduce the little one. And my buddy Auntie Ray is planning to make the trip to stay with us for the weekend-yay.

I don't know what I would do without the Close family though...........it's nice having a second place to call home now and Elle is adjusting quite nicely on our visit.

I think she wants to eat now Mom and Dad...........gotta go.............thinking of you always.......

going home, or what used to be...

Tomorrow Elle and I will head to the place I used to call home, Michigan. 

Since I'm on maternity leave I mine as well take advantage of the time and go and visit with my Grandpa, introduce Elle to her great Aunts, spend time with my Sis and Aydan, catch up with some friends,  and hang out at the Close's (Gramma and Grampa's). 

It still feels weird to head home and not see my parents. Not see Justin. It just isn't right. Everyone else goes "home" to see their parents and family. It's just not fair and the emptiness that goes along with the feeling of not having parents simply stated-sucks. It's the worst feeling imaginable.

I'll always love Michigan and obviously will continue to call it home as that is where I grew up, lived all of my life, and spent most of time with my family, when we were a family. 

On a happy note, Elle is really growing. You should see her Mom and Dad, your hearts would melt.....especially when she smiles. At 6 weeks old, she is 9 lbs-5 ounces and has made it out of the "10th percentile" on to bigger and better things-the 25th percentile. Just watch me now, "says Elle".  I am going to show off your granddaughter to your families while I'm home..........and plan to visit the cemetery, although difficult-I know how important it would be to Mom. She still visited Grandma up until the year she died. Dad would say, "don't waste your time-stop crying over me". But I'll go.....and cry, cry and cry.  It wasn't suppose to be this way. 

All my love, 

your daughter always

"change"

Gosh no this is not me now!  Tricked ya huh? This was ME when I was first starting to show during my pregnancy. I was about 5 months along. I'd give a lot to look that way now as I was fit everywhere else but the belly. Boy, do things change. (but, I'll get there again-just wait! But Ted's homemade brownies were just too good to resist today!) 

Last year around this time, things were quite different. My parents were alive and well, happily getting ready for their Key West trip......I certainly wasn't thinking of children just yet, I was in shape and meeting my friend Julie a few times a week at the gym. We'd meet a few mornings and I'd be on the elliptical in the cardio theater room when Julie would arrive. I could smell her perfume before I actually saw her. Ok, maybe it wasn't perfume but it was this candy smelling body spray she must have used in the morning before heading out to the gym. I miss those days.

I went back to the gym for the first time today. I hadn't really been back consistently since my parents died. As I was doing my cardio, I starred out the window, turned on my i-pod and thought to myself, what the heck has happened to me? How have I managed to handle all of this change? I went right to my "running" play list and the very first song that was on there-you'll never guess....Sweet Melissa. Are you kidding me? Why was that on my running play list? Not really a "fire you up" kind of song. I immediately skipped to the next song. No need to cry on my first day back to the gym. 

So, a year later..... my parents are dead, my brother's in a medical facility, my friend Julie (a.k.a.-work out partner) has moved to New York and I am now a Mother to a beautiful daughter. What? Who's life is this? 

So much has changed. And yet, I keep on moving. I really have no choice then to adapt, although feeling sad about it, and continue living my life to the fullest. It's no longer just about ME (and Ted) it's all about ELLE and no matter what changes I have faced this past year, she is relying on me to be the greatest Mom ever, just as my Mommy was to me. 

I miss you more then ever Mom and Dad, help us get through another year......help us get through all of this change.......

Baptism

I was raised Catholic and baptisms are very important in our family. I'll never forget when Aydan was born my Dad always making comments to my Sister when she came over. "You know he's not suppose to leave the house until he is baptized" Dad would say seriously but then totally kidding as well. Yeah he joked about it, but it was important and it thrilled him when Aydan was baptized at round 6 months old or so. I'm not sure where he got the not suppose to leave the house until their baptized thing, but I remember him saying that quite often growing up. I was baptized fairly young. From the looks of the pictures, I would have to say I was 6 weeks old but one of my Aunts will have to confirm. 

Ted and I kept going back and forth on where and when to have her baptism. Cincinnati at our church? MI? Spring? We decided to do it back in MI for a few reasons. One- the church that we were married in happens to be having the next baptism on our 6 year anniversary, May 10th and it also happens to be Mother's Day. April will be a tough month for my Family.

Although my Sister and I struggle every day about it, April will bring back everything to a lot of people. And it's the month of my Mom's birthday......so to have her christening after a dreadfully sad month, will be even more meaningful. 

We plan to do something small and intimate but plan to serve traditional Polish food at our lunch for Elle's celebration. I'm so happy it will be back in MI and I'm crossing my fingers both of my Grandpas are able to make it. As my Grandpa Olszowy ages, it is more difficult to travel and as long as the weather is good from up-north, my Mom's Dad should most definitely make it. We were talking on the phone today about it. I think he was excited when I told him what dress Elle would be baptized in.....

My Aunt Lisa emailed me last week to tell me she has the dress that I was baptized in! I was thrilled. She also told me this dress, also worn by my cousin Tracy, has been in the Family for 50 years. Many family members have worn it. She is going to work on it and get it ready for Miss Elle to wear. That is really special. My Mom would be so happy. Things like this mean more to me now. Whether it was the loss, having a child or actually now realizing the little things in life, the important things in life........that matter.