Where are you Christmas?

It is hard to believe Christmas is this Sunday.....I cried when I heard that song by Faith Hill "where are you Christmas". I've been asking myself that question for 3 and 1/2 years, I've lost so much Christmas spirit since their death. I know they wouldn't want this. Another year gone by without Mom and Dad. Another beautiful, healthy child born who is now 6 months old who brings so much joy to my life. Another year of missing my parents smiling faces, their love, support and encouragement...I am definitely getting used to this new life-without an immediate family unit-while it's lonely, I cherish the memories made and the family I still have. But I get really homesick around the Holidays. Everyone around me (I feel) is hustling and bustling to prepare for the whirlwind of the Holidays...sure, I had to buy presents for our family and wrap and put some thought into what I would buy for everyone and decorate and we hosted a Christmas happy hour and we baked Christmas cookies...but it's different since my Parents have passed. I think of the Holiday differently. They don't feel the same. I no longer have to plan out the Holidays, we head back to the Close's and stay there the entire break. No leaving for my Parents house Christmas day or talking with my Mom several times throughout the day about the family gift exchange, when I am going to help her with cheesecakes this year (I mainly was there for support of licking the bowls), or coordinating when we would get together with the Close Family (she had them to our house for Christmas day the last Christmas they were alive). While I am blessed to have my own family now and to create new traditions within, it's difficult and very different for me to accept the new norm....I miss sharing the Holidays with my Family. I can only imagine the joy Aydan, Elle and Harrison would bring to my their life and how it would brighten their Holidays up even more. Mom loved Christmas...decked the house out, baked every cookie and cheesecake imaginable, always had the door open on Christmas day for friends and family to drop by....everyone would be popping in to see the grand kids. Not only did I lose Mom and Dad, we lost a lot of their friends too....we just don't have that opportunity now to gather like we did...

With all of that said, I am blessed to spend Christmas eve with the Close Family, my Sister, and our friends and to be able to wake up Christmas morning with my beautiful, healthy kids, a home filled with gifts, food and lots of love...we are spoiled Christmas morning! I know many people are suffering and sad this Holiday Season for losing loved ones. I think back to my friend's friend that died in November of cancer in her early 30's....she won't be there to watch her daughter open presents this Christmas. Her husband must be feeling such sadness....I don't even know them but I am praying they find some peace and comfort over the next week and that memories of her bring smiles to their face. Also, my two best friends lost people this week....a Grandfather and an Aunt. I know how much extended family means to me even more so after losing mom and dad. My grandfather is now the glue of the family. My heart goes out to them and their families. I pray Mom and Dad welcome all of these wonderful people into Heaven.....but I know all of us that have lost loved ones know we would much rather have them here with us. As magical I would like to believe Heaven is, doesn't take away the sadness. It's a really emotional time. I want nothing more than to share my children with my Parents.

I am also thinking of my brother and all anyone fighting mental illness in their family. He's making progress and has learned so much about his condition. I will see him on the 30th to bring him dinner and to celebrate a late Christmas. This will be the second time I see him. It's very difficult but I am able to separate him to what he did. That was not my brother and he was very sick. My anger is toward the medication and illness of mental illness not at my brother. I know that's hard for many people to understand but if I thought about him actually taking my Parents life- which I did for the first two years, I would live in such fear and would keep myself away from him to protect my feelings and sadness. I need to accept his illness and do my best to one day accept the way they died. But as I am learning through therapy, that part will always be there...it was too tragic to forget it or to deny it happened. But it will lessen with time but there will always be tears...

Merry Christmas to my Family in Heaven- you are missed everyday, my Brother who will be lonely this Christmas, anyone out there who has lost somebody they loved this year...and to all of my loved ones and friends who provide support, friendship and love to me throughout the year. I end this year thankful....thankful for the beautiful trips I took this year, the visits with friends, the birth of my Son and the sweetness he brings to my life, watching Elle grow into a beautiful smart almost 3 year old, spending time with my Grandfather who is healthy and enjoying his life after heartache, another great year at SC Johnson filled with a promotion and another best in class award, Ted's career change to a World Class organization, my nephew's success in Soccer and Hockey and lastly, I am thankful my Sister has passed her first semester of Nursing School.

All my love and hope for another year filled with blessings and success...and that my parents memory lives on and that 2012 brings us closer to peace....

Melissa

Chicago

Even though Ted traveled extensively this last year and even more so after Harrison was born, I feel terrible leaving the two kids when traveling for business. It's harder for Men. They at times don't know the little tricks and stress over multi-tasking. I have a system in the morning when he is gone. It's a lot of work but its manageable if you plan right. Evenings are tough. You walk through the door at 6pm, both kids need to eat, be changed, bathed, Grace needs to eat and go out, their bags need to be unpacked.....it's a long day for the kids at school so I always hold Harrison while trying to get everything done. I am thankful, though, that I am rewarded at work for my hard work and dedication for the business and company. I was awarded last week- the best in class award- for my team. I had a really good year but it was even more exciting because it was the year I was pregnant and welcomed a new baby to the World, a time where some shift priorities and yet I somehow managed to get it all done. This is a great place to work and leaving the kids all day will always be hard but at least its for a good reason and to give them a wonderful life with options. I hope I have the ability one day to take them on tours to any college they would like to attend.

We hosted a nice Holiday happy hour with our friends this past weekend & I ran the church Christmas party for St Marys on Sunday which was a success and the busy weekends won't stop until the New Year which is how I like it during this time of the year. The key for me is to keep busy. It's when I stop, hear a sad Christmas Carol, looking at my Mom's tree, that the painful reminder of my family missing returns. It comes in waves. I see pictures of Aydan, Elle and Harrison and while I am so proud of what amazing children they are- I am SO sad my Parents cannot be here to share these special memories with us all.

We have Ted's new companies' Christmas party this Friday and then breakfast with Santa and some of Elle's friends on Saturday at the sports club. Following weekend we get to head back to MI for our annual Griswold Christmas party with our best of friends.....look forward to spending time with everyone as we approach the end of another year....

En route to Chicago today. Hoping to make a stop on Magnificent Mile and enjoy a fun, trendy, dinner out with a co-worker after a long day of training! Chicago is my favorite city and I know it will look very festive and all lit up! I have so many cherished memories from living in Chicago out of College, having my Parents visit, being engaged, having such fun with my roomate Nicky.....

All my love,
Melissa

thankful

I love having my family at my home....a sense of comfort comes over while they are here...like your parents do, your Aunt and Uncle care about you and your children a great deal especially when you are as a close to my Aunt as I am and the fact that she had such a special bond with my Mom and Dad makes it even more important that the closeness remains. I can be myself. I can say what I want. They feel comfortable in my home. They are proud of me. I SO miss that. I miss more than anything having my Parents around and seeing me as a Mom and seeing all of the good things that Ted and I are doing and the parents and people we have become over the last 3 1/2 years...having family/siblings of my Parents around makes it less painful...

We walked to our town square Friday evening, saw the decorations and lights up making Hyde Park look even more quaint and festive ....after Elle confirmed she didn't like Santa, we headed into the local coffee/wine shop and split a bottle of wine and chatted while Elle ate cookies and milk and Harry smiled at everyone that walked by. It was nice and relaxing. My Aunt and Uncle like being where the action is...they enjoy our town. Saturday Ted made a wonderful Turkey and I made a bunch of sides and dessert...and we just relaxed and enjoyed each other's company. I got to do a little shopping around with Harry and my Aunt...again, just really nice to spend time with my own Family....a breathe of much needed "fresh air".

Dad, were you laughing or pissed off when I screamed at Ted as he picked up the turkey to transfer it to the platter and grease dropped all over MY counter? I know you would have been in the kitchen all weekend cooking if you were here. You always got mad and defensive when I was overbearing with Ted "I'm outta here". I haven't changed ( just in case you were wondering!). You would be so proud of your big sister...she's about done with her Masters degree and is considering a PHD...pretty impressive over 50.... she is truly reinventing herself. I look at our family- many of us suffered great pain from your loss and yet we are still honoring your lives by remaining close, enjoying each other, smiling at your pictures or laughing and at times crying- when we reminisce. I am proud to be a part of this Family. We are not perfect. Some are stronger than others....some have held it in......but we are doing okay, Dad. Tell Mom your Sister and I put a huge dent in the "Belgian" chocolates and cookies Aunt Diann always brings and that we went back for seconds of the pumpkin creamy pie....things haven't changed here with the love for desserts. I remember when we were all together 4 years ago at the house for fake thanksgiving.....such a memorable weekend....you were missed.

The kids are great. My heart breaks that a happy, adorably cute kiddo like Harry continues to get colds and such.....the first year is SO tough from a sickness perspective. I am staying home (again) tomorrow...this too shall pass.....and it could be so much worse. There are really sick children out there....but it still makes me sad. I would be calling you to tell you about it. You would feel sad too and would want to fix it. Elle talks nonstop, I think she is like me in that way....BUT has totally turned into a Daddy's girl since Harrison. Their favorite tradition has become Saturday Dunkin Donut runs.....chocolate munchkins (I pick my battles)...they both get such enjoyment out of that little time together.

I will miss you both this Thanksgiving...my heart will ache as I sit at the table looking around at everyone and knowing my Family is gone and thinking of Justin alone at the hospital......I will do my best to smile and be thankful for what I had and still hold onto in my heart and for all of the blessings I have received this year with the birth of Harrison and the continued joy Elle brings into my life. And Chris is rocking nursing school. She'll get it done, Mom and Dad...I can feel it.

Thankful for you both and all you have done to make me the person I am today,

Melissa

say hello to her

I remember my friend mentioning her name and story one day when we were walking over maternity leave...."diagnosed with a rare form of lung cancer, 31 years old, 6 month year old daughter". I thought, wow...that is terrible but thinking in my head she would make it, they would find a cure. Surely she won't die THAT young and leave her little daughter and husband....

Well, this weekend I received a text message that 7.5 months later after her diagnosis, she passed....a very hard battle......I read a blog post from her youngest Sister the day after she died. I balled my eyes out. She seemed like the most amazing person, beautiful, young, a new Mom, a handsome husband, great family and friends and a person who really gave back to the World and had such strong faith. A person who had an all Holiday Christmas tree up. Her entire family was by her side when she passed. I read the words of her Sister's blog and while I was crying because I could relate (not to her story particularly) but to the fresh pain of those early days of the tragedy, I have no idea what it would have been like to be there. Those early days are shocking, painful and filled with disbelief that "this" could ever happen to "your" family. As I continued to read on about watching her sister take her very last breath and how her daughter was only a year and 1/2 was outside of the hospital room sleeping in someone's arms. She has no idea......her Mom just died and while it seems she has so many loving family members surrounding her, she will never know what it's like to have a Mom. She'll only hear through family and pictures and videos....it sounds like she left such a legacy....I pray her daughter will grow up always feeling presence from her Mom and that she continues to be a huge part of her life. From not even knowing these people and only hearing this all through a friend and a blog, it seems their family was so close........it just hit home for me. I was envious (how dare I say that) that they all got to say goodbye, as painful as it was. They got to hold her hand and hug her and love her and say everything imaginable that you ever wanted to say. And now, because her death was somewhat expected, of course not this soon, but they get to plan a funeral filled with honoring her life and her amazing courage and love for life during a horrific battle. I think back to my parent's funeral. There is so much more I wish we would have done....it was too tragic though but to this family- their story is just as tragic just in a different way. Ugh, death is so hard and when I hear heartbreaking stories such as this they always impact me pretty deeply. I thought about this person who died so young all weekend, I prayed for her Mom and Dad and Husband and Daughter.....how heartbreaking. I know how terribly hard the Holidays will be this year and for many to come. I wish I could hug them and tell them they will eventually be "okay" maybe never the same, but they will get through it and continue to live their lives but will always carry heartache that many will never understand. They will smile and laugh again, I promise.

In the blog she was asking her Sister if Heaven was everything she had imagined...clouds that look like pink cotton candy......I wonder that, too. My faith has been questioned. I want to believe so badly that my Family and this beautiful girl, and my grandparents are in a magical place but it will never replace the deep sadness of wishing they were here. Sometimes I don't care how beautiful Heaven is suppose to be- we needed them here.....I hugged my kids extra tight this weekend....I cannot imagine dying at this age and leaving behind my babies. Missing their entire life....and I also think about how I never want my kids to be as sad as I am about missing their Mom and Dad. I never want them to miss us and avoid happiness and joy at times because they are so consumed that we are not there. I want to raise them to believe and know Ted and I will always be there, no matter what happens. Even when we're long gone....I want them to know we are still there, living through them. Who knows...maybe that's what my parents are wishing for me right now. Maybe they are really sad looking down and seeing how much I miss them. All I want is for them to meet my kids and see me as a Mom. I'm all grown up now in just 3 1/2 years. And just like this family will soon come to face, you won't believe how fast time passes and as you get further and further away from their death, you start to forget what their voice sounded like or what they smelled like when they would hug you....I hate that part. I miss you Mom and Dad.....say hello to this new person up there.....she seemed like an amazing, beautiful, girl.

All my love and hope,

Melissa

Fall is in the air

Now I understand fully why Fall was my Mom's favorite time of the year......I know how proud they would be of their grand kids, Ted and I......here are some of my favorite pics from the Season so far.

Mom and Dad, you're missed more then you could ever imagine....happy Fall and happy Halloween from all of us. WISHING YOU WERE HERE FOR ALL OF THIS....you would be visiting, playing with the kids, Dad would cook, Mom would bake, we would have drinks, you loved our neighborhood....I miss sharing my life with you. Harry has his first ear infection today. I wanted to call you. I wanted to tell you how cute Elle was trick or treating......and brag how handsome Aydan is these days. You're missing so much. I think you are as sad as I am. You would want to be here. Right?

Love you, Melissa

Working Mother

Wow, traveling with two babies at home, while breastfeeding has been interesting. I am proud I've been able to stick it out but it's challenging when you're traveling across the US to Portland and the three hour time change and trying to keep everything on schedule. I've had to deal with cancelled flights, dinners going over with customers and missing my pumping time. But, it's worked and I am hopeful I can make it to 6 months. That is my goal before switching to formula. I am blessed to work for a great. flexible, family owned company. I am traveling this week in Portland with a fabulous co-worker and after work we've gotten pedicures, had great meals and a glass of wine, and even popped into some cool shops along the way. If I am going to be away from my Family, I am happy to have some fun.

The kids are amazing. Harry is such a beautiful, sweet baby. I cannot explain how chill he is. The child doesn't cry. It's wonderful. He just wants to be held and smiled at and fed and he is HAPPY. Miss Elle is getting smarter by the day....full sentences, full on conversations, counting in spanish, has real feelings now...she'll say that she's not in a good mood or that she's happy and she'll easily identify if someone else is feeling down and tells them "it's okay". She is very sweet and loving. I am so lucky. If only Mom and Dad could meet them and love them like I do...

Fall is here....we have our dear friend visiting this weekend that is moving to Hawaii for 6 months, we've booked our family vacation to St John for next year, Ted is pursing a new opportunity, Chris is plugging away at Nursing School, Aydan continues to be an all star in soccer and hockey, I finally get to meet our new niece over Thanksgiving, I am seeing Justin again for the second time over the Holidays....lots of things are happening. Life is happening, quickly.

a year since A healing heart

Wow, amazing weather this weekend...enjoyed some "family time"...

I realized today that it's been a year since "A Healing Heart"...it's tough when I read through those pages of my first year after the loss. It almost gets harder as the years go by....so hard to think it's getting longer and longer that I last saw my Family together. But, I know this legacy I have left behind for my children to one day read makes this project beyond special. They may not understand now, or even years from now, but one day.....they will read it and get it....to the best of their abilities. They will know how special my Parents were. But will never replace actually knowing them yet provides some peace to my heart....I would love to work with Wayne Holmes again one day....I have so much to "say" since this tragic loss, facing my brother, hating mental illness, giving birth to beautiful babies, living out of State and on our own, having amazing friendships yet difficult relationships, being let down, not able to "let go", owning a second home that was your parents and how you want to hang on to it because you feel it's all you have left of them but deep down you don't even enjoy being there anymore....there is so much to say, to be heartbroken about but also so proud and thankful for. Thank you, A healing heart......you will live on......

This is your Life

I came across this and it now sits in front of me at my desk. Very inspirational....today, I was reflecting on my Parents life...tomorrow they would have been married for 34 years. I was thinking of their last anniversary we spent with them and taking them to dinner....they were so happy and excited to be with Ted and I. It felt so nice to treat them to a nice dinner. We were all grown up, making our own money, able to take them to a nice place to celebrate. They were proud. I read this list and I'm doing a lot of this, and I am aware of so much because of the loss of my parents and watching my kids grow so quickly and being so proud (yet so afraid) of my Sister and her taking a "leap of faith" going to school full time to be a nurse as a single Mom.....LIFE is so short and of course I want to enjoy every moment and live my dream but all of that has become harder and harder to do because of the loss. It's not easy to just live on and be yourself and find happiness when your heart is still completely broken. Fall (Mom's favorite time of the year) and the upcoming Holidays all are just the most painful months of the year aside from the month of April and I am doing my best to think positively knowing it cannot be changed. I am so proud of Christina and I and our ability to handle this situation and to still be there for my brother...

Teddy is interviewing for a new job today. Really excited for a new opportunity that has come his way....wishing him all the best...and I happily accepted a new raise last week...that made it a little easier as I was leaving my Son for the first time. I know he's okay but it still bothers me that all day he is at school and not being held much and not being catered to like he has been for the past several months. I miss my days with him but know by me working and having a great career- I can provide a better future for him and Elle. I even more so thank my Mom for staying home with me and my siblings. (I don't think I could do it) I know she enjoyed every minute of it (as she told me that before)....I wish I could thank her for all she did and for all that she was to me. I didn't tell her enough what an awesome Mom she was. Time is flying by so fast.....I miss their voice.....it's like forever since I have seen them....it's a crazy feeling. I miss my Family. This is MY life....and I will continue to "travel often" and "appreciate every bite when I eat" ....

Aloha

I did not think Ted being in Hawaii my last week of maternity leave would be this bad. I literally could vomit I have been so upset. I want to be in Hawaii. I know it was my decision to say I couldn't go when I was pregnant- so he took his brother, which is great, but I am left here alone for the week with the kids....and I am not going to lie, it sucks.

It's not the kids...they're great. It's me....ever since my Parents died, I HATE being alone and I thought being in MI would make it a little better since Ted's Mom would be here in the evenings and could help get Elle down, someone to eat dinner with, but it's been hard....with Elle not in school, there's not much we can do here. I miss my walks, getting coffee with friends and at least there is not this hurtful pain in my heart that there is no one here- in terms of my family to visit my Son-when in Cincinnati. We spent time with Christina over the weekend and she's thankfully having us over to her apartment for dinner tomorrow. She is so overwhelmed with school full time and Aydan and trying to get her life in order. I am so glad we got to spend some time together but she is busy during the day, everyone works...so this was just a bad idea. Cindy is so sweet and took us and the kids shopping and to dinner a few nights ago. But I sadly kept thinking of Ted sipping on amazing cocktails in one of the most beautiful places in the World. I want to be there with my husband. I really miss Ted....he's been traveling so much. I am so complicated....I have changed so much these last three years. Relationships are tough enough and you add in the tragedy, two new children and heavy work travel......emotions are high........I wish I was carefree and could accept my parents death, and smaller things like...Ted is in Hawaii...I couldn't go but I have this beautiful 3 month year old Son that needed me that still eats every 2 hours, he wouldn't have enjoyed Hawaii-let's be honest...BUT it's so hard to accept the really hard stuff that has happened and it's hard to let go of this week and let it be what it is. And my expectations need to be lowered. I thought he'd call more. That's okay. I know he's having fun with his brothers and he SO deserves this trip but so do I. Some days. from the ones I am closest to, I just want understanding but maybe they'll never really understand what it's like.

I will get through this week......he'll be back on Friday and this Hawaiian trip will be in the past and no one can ever take these 15 weeks away from my Son and I and the extra weeks this Summer that I got to spend with Elle. She's just my little friend these days.....she melted my heart today when she said the following, "don't worry Mommy, papa will be back soon.....or, "you can't go, I'll miss you" or, "do you miss your Mommy in heaven? my other gramma is at work". She is wise beyond her years and I am so sorry and guilty that I am not happier this week and that I am not soaking in the moments. I did smell her hair tonight for a long time when singing her songs before bed. As my therapist says, focus on senses....smell, touch, taste, take deep breathes...there will be less time for my mind to race and to think and to get myself all worked up.........tough week Mom and Dad. I would love more than anything to drive to Allen Park to see you this week. We'd hang out. Mom and I would take the kids places. I miss my Family in Heaven, in Hawaii and frankly I miss my Family that is right in front of me.
I will sign off with this.....I am grateful for the memories I have had with my loved ones, my amazing trip to Hawaii with Ted 5 years ago and countless other places, and the beautiful children I have in front of me.....may this week end better than it started and may Ted get home safely.

Love,
Melissa

thinking of the kids!

It breaks my heart watching the today show this week as they cover the 10 year anniversary of 9/11...and I was so touched when they featured many of the children, now grown up, who lost a parent in this tragedy. A camp has been created called "America's camp" for the children that suffered loss during 9/11. A place where they can come to be a kid and most importantly from my perspective, be surrounded by others that feel the same way and can understand their pain. I look at these kids and I think while I hate the way my parents died-probably one of the worst ways to go- yet at least I had my parents through my childhood years, they got to watch me graduate high school, sit in the stands to cheer me on for 8 years of running track and clap with pride as I accepted MVP my senior year and camp champ at the annual cheer leading camp I attended, and Mom got to move me in to my first apartment in Kalamazoo, MI and then watch me graduate from WMU and accept my first job in Chicago........Ted was able to ask my Dad if he could marry me...and my parents got to watch their first daughter marry a guy they adored.....and they got to travel to all the different places we lived....and they got to welcome their first Grandchild to the world...while my heart aches every day for different reasons-they are missing SO much, today I reflect on what I did get to experience-that these 9/11 kids never did.....I had the best parents and I think that's why this has been even more painful...knowing what could have been.

Today is grandparents day at Elle's school....I sent in a book that Cindy put together for Elle when she was born called "in case you ever wonder"...inside is a picture of my parents and one of her and Steve.....I took this book to school for Elle today. She plans to share with her class that she has grandparents in heaven and grandparents in MI. I want Elle to know and understand. What if she never does?

Mom lost her Mom around 30...even though Gramma got to meet us all and babysit and celebrate birthdays, I know Mom lived her next 20 years wishing her Mom was here. I now relate and my biggest fear is that my kids will one day relate....I pray they never have to miss Ted and I at a young age. I would never want them to be sad, wishing we were here along their journey....I hope I can raise them to understand and believe that we are always with them...no matter what. I wish continued peace and faith for the 9-11 kids and my own family and anyone else out there who has lost parents at a young age....sending you the biggest hug and understanding of your pain...

I have two weeks left with Harrison....this has gone by so fast....I will be so sad to leave him.

All my love,

Melissa

special moments

Wow.....it's getting harder and harder to find 20 minutes to reflect on my thoughts and feelings and write a blog entry. This is important to me yet hard at the same time. When I think and reflect, it mainly turns to sadness...I really miss having a Mom and Dad. There's no reason to even explain myself anymore...I think everyone could probably understand, even for a minute, how hard it is without them. I want them to be a part of all of this...I really have missed being a daughter even more so lately as I watch these beautiful kids of mine grow. I don't watch them enough...I wish I could just be a Mom, a friend, a sister, a wife.....but I can't.....there's all of "this" to deal with. It's always there. My parents were murdered by my brother. Will this ever subside?

My maternity leave is literally flying by. Thursday it will be September...and I go back at the end of the month. My heart breaks to think of leaving this sweetheart. He is such an amazing baby. I peaked in there just a few minutes ago and the kid was seriously sleeping with a smile on his face. He's an angel. My parents would love and care for him as much as I do. He's still sleeping a lot...smiling, likes the swing, lying in his crib under the mobile, taking walks but mainly being held and eating, eating, eating. I know I am lucky to have this time off with him and I wish with all of my heart I could just focus on that. Teddy has been traveling like crazy...in week long increments....Ever since my parents died, I don't do too well being alone, I always want something to do, plans must be made.....my therapist says that is how I have dealt with things....I keep myself busy and surrounded by people to perhaps mask some of this. I agree some of that is true, but I have always liked being surrounded by friends and family....I have never been a homebody.

As I reflect on the last few months since we had Harrison....this has been a nice leave....really hot...but I got to do several things I said I would...visit DC and drink wine at a local cafe with my friend and our boys, spend a week up at the lake and had the most amazing visitors (the Hinderberger family...their visit made my week), and of course we hosted our first real grown up party (catered, a tent and all!) and witness our Son be baptized in our own church....this is our home now as much at times I want to deny that even though I love it here dearly....I still want my parents place to run "home too". I was so honored my Grandfather was here to represent my Mom...and that my Mom's sister flew in from Texas and Dad's Sister from Atlanta and our siblings less my brother, and our friends Melissa and Nick. We are still surrounded by so much love....being near my Parent's family makes their void less painful for that given moment because I know without a doubt they would be so proud....family meant everything to them. This would make them so happy....my eyes watered as I watched my Grandfather hold Elle as shown in this picture as he cruised the lake and let Elle steer the boat. I almost could hear Mom giggling and snapping a million pictures. She would have had them printed before that week ended....it would have touched her heart like it did mine...

I may be lonely but I am well aware of my amazing, healthy, beautiful kids and how lucky I am to still have awesome family and friends surrounding us.....I will cherish sharing those glasses of wine with my friends in DC and up in Harrison, MI and holding my Son as he was baptized with our family and friends next to us and meeting my friend for walks and coffee during the week while on leave....and most of all holding this sweet baby boy...I will never get this time back.......I love you sweet Harrison and big sister Elle....I'm sorry I miss my family so much. In a strange way, it's almost like you understand....

All my love,

Melissa

God Bless Harrison

Ted sent me to DC for my birthday to visit my friend Molly who also just had a baby boy 6 weeks before Harrison was born. It was a wonderful visit. Despite some travel mishaps getting back to Cincinnati, it was awesome and Harrison officially earned his wings (not a peep after 8 hrs of travel??!!!). He slept, ate, rarely fussed...it was a good age to travel. I did everything I wanted to do on this short visit....we drank wine and ate cheese at little cafe in Molly's town square... went to a trendy dinner and ate gourmet food and sipped a glass of yummy white wine.....grabbed coffee at her local shop and sat outside and ate muffins...and unexpectedly, I ended up getting a massage which was a sweet surprise along with the offering to watch Harrison and Henry while I went to the spa. It was a really thoughtful gift.....my friend really made me feel special that day with other gestures such as balloons and pink champagne and of course, a birthday cake with candles. I am very lucky to have such amazing friends...I really haven't enjoyed a birthday since Mom and Dad died, they just seem so different, such a void and not as important or special but this was nice......I missed seeing Ted and Elle but I think it was a good thing for me to get away for a few days.....there has been so much on my mind lately and it was nice to be spoiled and enjoy new scenery while visiting a great friend.

And here we are in August already...this Summer, my maternity leave, has flown by...it seemed like forever until Harrison would be baptized and here we are approaching it this weekend. We feel so blessed...many of our family members are traveling here from several different areas to be here with us...the baptism has always been a really important and special day in my Family. Mom and Dad always threw big parties...and I am beyond thrilled to have everyone here in our home, our church, our neighborhood. It will be stressful.....we've been planning for months yet I am a neat freak and beyond detail orientated when it comes to parties so I drive myself insane the week of the event...I think of everything. I wish I wasn't like that at times because it can make you go crazy. I want to enjoy this party. I want to enjoy the ceremony and really take in the baptism of my Son in our new church with my Grandfather and family by our sides....I want to actually get a chance to eat and drink and sit down and talk to everyone....I want to overlook the mess for just a few minutes....I want to take pictures with our family and friends with Harrison dressed in our family gown....I pray for an enjoyable weekend with less pain and sadness that my parents won't be attending another special event. It kills me. It's always there. It won't go away. I will be wishing they were there as I look around at the church and see Dad's Sister, Mom's Father.......they would be SO proud. They were always the life of the party and I don't see my life or any of these events ever being the same without them. Sure, they will go on, we will continue to go on, but I know in my heart, I am forever changed...and I don't like it.

Blessed Mommy,

Melissa

tell me what to do...

I wish you would tell me what to do. I never wanted all of this responsibility at this age. I didn't want all of this worry for my siblings, and stress about what to do with the lake. I thought I would keep it forever. Selling it never even crossed my mind. We'd pay the taxes and do what we could to maintain when we're up there... its causing stress and worry now.....we're too far and there is so much to be done...Chris won't even discuss it.....but I have to be the practical one even though deep down I am just emotionally attached to it as well.....another piece of my childhood and parents that would be gone......no amount of money would ever be enough for this place. Nothing could ever replace that fresh air on a cool night, the smell of the fire or cinnamon french toast cooking in the morning and all of the memories....I am so torn........I don't want this on my shoulders. I know my Grandfather and all of my parents siblings want us to sell it......they see how much work it is and how far Ted and I are....Chris already has so much on her plate...she can't worry about the lake. I wish Mom and Dad were here....the lake would be theirs. We would come to visit. It would be the fun place to go.....now it is work. Cindy and I took the kids up there and I didn't even get a moment of enjoyment. There was so much to be done and with two kids it was even more of a challenge to get anything really done. It made me so sad......my parents never seemed stressed up there....everything was always done so they could enjoy their guests. They went up there so much. It breaks my heart to think we would sell this place. My grandfather and Aunt and Uncle live there still so I would always go back...but it wouldn't be the same...yet I know it's killing them to keep coming over to Mom and Dad's house when we are up there. I know how painful it is. It's painful for me. Everything of theirs is the way they left it. Even a crossword puzzle Dad was working on. We've added some pictures...moved furniture around and I just took down the Christmas lights Mom left up but it still looks the same....

I don't know what to do. I know what we should do yet my heart is saying "hell no, don't sell it...take your kids up there just as you did as a child.....Elle and Harrison will get to know their grandparents through this place". I think that's my biggest fear of selling it.....my kids already won't ever get to meet my parents. I want them to have memories of at least going to a place they left behind. A place I went all of my life....I don't want them to just have memories with Ted's parents. I need something from my family. This breaks my heart....I want to be a kid again......I never wanted to think of any of this...........my Sister would hate me. I already have so much guilt what she saw and did after Mom and Dad died. I cannot do this alone.

Help, Mom and Dad.......please......I will be up there for a week in August and I cannot wait. Our friends are visiting....Ted will be there. Maybe we will feel differently. Maybe it is possible to get everything done if we use our vacations up at the lake verse traveling. I just want to go up there and enjoy myself with my family and friends......I love that place so much.

a month old...

WOW, Harrison is almost a month old....we've been busy in the Close household adjusting to the added addition. He is much more alert these days....but pretty much still in the eating/sleeping phase. He doesn't love his crib yet at night so he has been in the room with me in the "sleep n play" all snuggled up. I feel rested though he is up every 2-3 hours still....he is just adorable and Elle has adjusted just fine but Daddy has become her new best friend. Children, managing a household and careers is a lot... but in my opinion, I don't think anything tops dealing with the heartache of missing my Family and how they died and not having them here to meet our new Family. As much as I would love an extra pair of hands right now, it's the unconditional love and care I miss and need the most right now. It's having my Mom to call 24-7...it's hard and I know no one can understand. Maybe I will stop mentioning it to others as I know they can never relate and maybe it's not fair to even bring it up as they don't know what to say or how to help...but sometimes I need to vent and to share my feelings. They see me with two beautiful, healthy children and a great career, wonderful home, etc, etc....and yes, I have SO much to be thankful for. I am very aware of all of our blessings...but I am also so aware of the heartache and the challenge of a tragic loss and the acceptance they will never meet these babies. And I worry about my Sister, Aydan and my brother. There's just a lot of baggage along with expanding our family. But I know how proud my Parents would be of us..when I look at how my Sister and I have handled these last three years, my parents would be AMAZED. This would crush some...and here I am expanding my Family, traveling, focusing on my career...and Chris chases nursing school, continues to be a great Mom to Aydan (our soccer star!!) despite everything she has faced...they would be so proud. With that said, it doesn't take away the pain.

Harrison is such a good boy...see, God takes care of me in other ways and I know this...I am grateful for this but I want something I will never have again. I want my Family back. I want to head up to Harrison next week with my Mother-in-law and the kids and walk in to my Parents greeting us....to Dad grilling and serving drinks to my Mom laughing and so happy to see us there....they would be so honored and thrilled to have us all up at the lake...I will miss sharing these moments with them for the rest of my life.

Though I am stressed, I feel like Ted and I are super Mom and Dad at times....yesterday I don't think either of us sat down (well, I did a lot to feed Harrison but that was it)..from watering the lawn and flowers, to weeding to grocery shopping, to cooking to cleaning to laundry to prepping a room to be painted, preparing for our new driveway, making calls to get a tree picked up that fell on our driveway, to organizing to baths to packing lunches to talking to friends to taking Elle and Harrison to the market, to constantly putting Elle on the potty to avoid accidents to changing a zillion diapers....my head spins at times yet this stuff isn't the hard stuff I face in my life. I can handle being busy ...I cannot handle the loss at times. I know no one can relate but Chris and I. I guess sometimes I wish people could....it wouldn't make a difference yet I guess there wouldn't be these expectations that I should be back to myself and that I should be always looking at the glass half full. I do know I can look myself in the mirror everyday and be so proud of how I have handled this but know it's a challenge every day.

I have two beautiful children...and while it will be bittersweet as always, I look forward to Harrison meeting Family and Friends back in MI this week and introducing him to the place he was named after as well! It will be a special moment for me seeing them up there knowing what happiness it would have brought to Mom and Dad.

All my love and hope for continued health and happiness for my Family and that Mom and Dad are watching the good times from up above...I pray they don't see me sad. It would break their hearts. Thankful for the friendships we have and love that has been shown to our baby boy...he's too sweet...and I wish him a Happy birthday tomorrow as he reaches ONE MONTH!!!!

Melissa

heartbroken and blessed

Mom and Dad,

Harrison is just beautiful...this is once again so hard to experience without you here. It's an isolating feeling at a young age to be without my Parents during this time. There's no one to call to share every little detail about my Son and what he was up to for the day...sure, I have so many amazing friends and they are so generous and continue to send such thoughtful things- packages arrive daily and another dinner and wine was brought over tonight....and I have in-laws that care but they have their life and other children...we cannot always be the focus...But, I miss having someone calling me every day to check up on things. This continues to be a struggle and makes me angry my folks are gone....and during the day it's just me and the little guy. Ted's been working in an office lately and we send big sis to school. I know once I feel 100% I will be out and about, taking long walks, going to the park, meeting friends for lunch, and shopping...but until I am healed I know I will be around the house for the most part which is tough for a busy body like me. I did get out for lunch today with a friend and her little baby girl..it felt so nice to be out in beautiful weather with Harrison.

Fourth of July weekend will always be an emotional one. One of my parents favorite weekends at the lake and this year all of their Harrison, MI friends who all owned a place up there are gathering like old times at our old lake, "Cranberry lake". The area in Harrison where it all began...we all had small cute little cabins, pontoon boats and the beach we would all gather at on the weekends. It was such an event as I look back.....over 15 couples with their kids..everyone brought food to share....my Parents must have loved this. They had all of their friends and some of our family and us kids all together when in Harrison. My Parents were so much more relaxed up north...I wish I would have appreciated the place more as a child and even as I got older...I want Mom and Dad to know how thankful I am for this place. I hope after learning my Son's name....they know and feel it.

Well, I am thrilled though because Christina is going to take Aydan up there this weekend and I know its going to be hard for my Dad's brother and all of my parents friends to see them....It's an instant reminder that they're gone and I know everyone loves my Son's name yet I know its probably heartbreaking to some even if they never tell me so. It's heartbreaking for me too. I wish for my Sister and Aydan a memorable weekend yet I know it will be lonely. I know it will never be the same. I know you will miss Dad's french toast in the morning and that its a lot of work up there for us. I am sorry I cannot be there to help. Just try and take deep breathes and take in the amazing air up there....look up at the stars- they're so bright up there. Make a s'more for me...I am sorry it has to be this way. We miss you Mom and Dad.

Because we couldn't make it up to the lake this early after Harrison's arrival, our best friends are headed to Cincinnati for the weekend. Really looking forward to being with friends....they are like Family and candidly, we have more friends then family and we need to appreciate these friendships that we do have in our lives. Friends cannot replace Parents of course but you can share your children, joy, love, sadness and fun with your closest friends...

My heart aches of loneliness yet I am so grateful for the generosity that continues to shine through from others.....and absolutely grateful for these two beautiful, healthy children. I am so lucky and only wish my Mom, Dad, and brother were here to see Ted and I expanding our family and managing this new little life on our own now.... I am a good Mom because I had a good Mom....she showed nothing short of unconditional love, always.....I am not perfect though and I need to work on my patients. I am sort of like Dad in that respect...but I'm working on it. And in honor of Dad's birthday yesterday, I actually cooked! Hooray! I think Ted was stunned and I am sure my Parents were as well...

Love always,

Melissa

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Harrison is here

Our beautiful, healthy, big boy, arrived on June 14th weighing 8lbs 9 ounces and 21 inches long. It was a much tougher labor then with Elle and I am paying for it in recovery. I am going on day 8 and still sore as can be....but Harrison Jerome Close is thriving and wonderful and I feel SO blessed that he's healthy!!!!!

We were only in the hospital for 36 hours- the hospital was packed with June deliveries so frankly, as sore as I was, I was okay with getting out of there...and home to Elle. Ted's Mom was beyond helpful. Words cannot describe how much we appreciated her help with Elle and our home and taking care of things the first week of Harrison's arrival. My husband too was amazing with his cooking and helping with Elle so I could work on nursing and resting. I'm not going to lie, I had several bouts of tears openly...I would feel sad for Elle that her life has changed (even though I know it will be amazing one day for her to have a sibling!) and that life will get stressful once I go back to work but most of all it was the aching pain in my heart that I cried over.......I missed my Mom and Dad. I miss them so much and I felt so angry and sad that they cannot be here to meet their beautiful grandchildren. Ted and I both have laid back parents and they would have both been the most wonderful grandparents, we would have all been together at the hospital, they would have stayed together at the house while we were at the hospital. Both Cindy and my Mom would have stuck around to help us out....Dad didn't like to be away from Mom so he would have stayed too helping to cook and do stuff around the house. While we were so thankful Ted's Mom was here- I am so sad my Mommy has missed this. I know how proud they would be....Dad especially. He would be bragging to all of his family and friends. They so deserved to be proud of their children and to show off their grandchildren. The wish for their presence will always be here and during such significant moments in our life, they are magnified......It's going to be hard....I will have bad days....I will think of my parents every day as I am rocking Harrison or putting Elle to bed as we pray........I just gotta hope they can see us....that they are watching over us.......

We feel so blessed for all of the love and support we have received from gifts, flowers, dinner, cards, phone calls.....we have such great friends and family. Teddy and I have so much to be thankful for, we are still so, so lucky.

I was beyond thrilled that as busy as my Sister is....she took off after soccer tryouts this past Saturday to come down for a quick visit to meet her nephew. I needed someone from my Family to be here to meet him. I was so happy.

The name Harrison, named after the lake- a place my Family has been going to for over 32 years....reminds me of my Family but mainly my Dad (Jerome).....he's got to be up in heaven smiling with such excitement about the name. It's all for you Dad......I miss you and your memory lives on through my Son.......

We thank God, our parents, family and friends for your love and support as we welcomed Harrison to the World.....my heart still aches yet I am overjoyed with how beautiful and healthy my children are.....we love you Elle Patricia and Harrison Jerome! Two lives lost.... two beautiful lives gained......

All my love,

Mommy of 2

awaiting another arrival...

I have totally accepted that he's not ready to come out. Tomorrow is Aydan's birthday, my original due date....maybe my Dad is pulling some strings up there and wants his two grandsons born on the same day or maybe the little guy just isn't ready.....we seriously are shocked that I made it this long. We just assumed I would be early. We've keept busy with Miss Elle and I continue to think I have the house ready...and then another week goes by.... and now after almost a year of health, E has a nasty cough. Perfect timing. I worry about the daycare germs while the little guy is so young....

I was reminiscing this morning...thinking back to the year leading up to Elle's arrival. It was a tough year but with so much love and celebration awaiting for her to come....I looked back through my baby shower pictures and sighed.....it was such a beautiful occasion....to look ahead at the same people that were by my side to say goodbye to my Parents were helping welcome this miracle child-blessed from heaven to the world. I will never forget finding out I was having a girl. I so needed a girl that year- she was the greatest blessing anyone could ever have asked for after such a tremendous lost. We have been so lucky to call Elle our daughter.

I think about this pregnancy and these last 40 WEEKS....another good pregnancy, happier moments, still times of great sadness yet with so many friends and my sister-in-law being pregnant at the same time, I feel I have had more support and more people to share daily struggles and joys with on a daily basis. I am really looking forward to my maternity leave this time around. I "think" I am in a better place emotionally.....I sure hope so......of course I worry but I am ready to meet this little guy....our family is ready to expand and we are prepared to take on more responsibility and cannot wait to show our Son our little life we have made... and to share with him the people we have lost and loved and to introduce him to our incredible friends and family that continue to be on this journey of healing and life with us.

When is he coming, Mom and Dad??? I pray you are watching down.

Love you.

Melissa

better day

The day has turned around. I was so angry and sad leaving the doctors appt today after they told me I am still officially 39 weeks even though the due date I was given was June 8th....they say its still the 13th so another week or so of waiting. I was just feeling rushed and some pressure knowing my Sister in law is also due and I want her to have Ted's parents there yet knowing how badly we needed her for Elle and then Teddy needed to travel for work next week. Things will work out. This along with my parents death and many other things in life, I cannot control.....I can only hope for the best outcome and trust it will work out as hard as it may be. After some crying and blaming my parents death on why I felt rushed that this child needed to be here since I know if they were alive they could be here and I would feel so much more relaxed......I started receiving special little gifts.......first, a package from my Aunt (my Mom's sister) who is amazingly talented and makes the most beautiful things- she sent another two special blankets and some other fun goodies for the new arrival as well as presents for the big sis to be. After that, a playhouse arrived in our backyard for the big sis to be from her only Grandparents....this will be helpful and fun for Elle- she will love it and then, a special care package from a friend that lives in DC who has been a supportive friend throughout the highs and lows of a pregnancy.....she sent a book that has a ton of humor (I told her how depressing parentless parents was!), a CD with beautiful songs to sing to the baby that she enjoyed with her Son, Henry, and an adorable onsie......I also had newborn diapers left on my porch from a friend and my favorite bronzer arrived for free after I submitted a claim last week that it continued to break on me......it was interesting that all of this stuff arrived today to cheer me up. It was just a nice feeling to know despite of what I may still face and probably always will, I am SO loved (ok, maybe the brand cargo doesn't "love" me but they value me as a customer...haha). I know this. Of course I am. My parents had wonderful family and friends and now I have the same.......a mother's love can never be replaced, but today after sobbing for about an hour......I can start my evening with a smile knowing they are beaming with joy that I have this support during a time they wish they could be here.....while I know they would be heartbroken some of my Family still struggles and haven't reached out as much....I know they are sending down good thoughts that they need their time and that hopefully they will come around and give back our family some of that strength we always have had.

I cannot rush this baby boy anymore.....he is not ready to come out yet and I need to let happen, just happen. We will be okay and have great friends here in Cincinnati that love us and would help us out if we needed it. We will be just fine.....

where are you Mr???

Although my official due date is not until the 8th, I am incredibly antsy and impatient thinking he would already be here. I have been dilated for weeks and have felt very pregnant these last two weeks AND was a week early with Elle. I guess going "late" never even occurred to me so I always prepared as if he was coming early. Already got my manicure and pedicure (I need a new one at this point!), had my haircut last week and had my house and windows cleaned twice and now it totally needs to be cleaned again even with me cleaning constantly. I wish I could sit still....I clean and pick up constantly and Elle isn't even a child that gets into everything and she eats/snacks in her highchair most of the time so she keeps the house relatively clean most days....Gracie, the other hand, is the messy one. Her hair is everywhere and it drives me crazy. I vacuum it up daily. But, we love this dog. She is part of this Family as much as anyone of us....

I'm just getting a tad nervous about help. Ted and I are used to being on our own and have sort of accepted since my Parents death that we do only have one set of Grandparents and they won't/can't always be there for us but it makes the painful loss of my parents even worse as I know how excited they would be to help me out during a new child entering the world. I have faith that Ted's Mom will stay as long as she can but I know in my heart it won't be the same as having both her and my Mom here....they would love being together and seeing the baby. It would have been so natural.

Ted has to travel really soon after the baby is born and my Sister in law is due in a few weeks so I'm already planning on doing a lot of this on my own but it makes me sad.....Mom and Dad were retired....they would come down at any point and hang out. Dad would water the lawn, go grocery shopping and cook dinner and Mom would hold the baby and goof around with Elle. They would be in no rush to leave unless they also had to help Chris with Aydan but I could have them for as long as I needed.....and really, I would just want the company....I don't really need the help per say but it's always nice. I miss my Parents and these events make it all worse.....this time feels more sad if that's possible. I know how proud and excited and shocked MOM would be that I was on my second child. Miss business............boy have things changed.............

Elle is ready we think...she talks about baby brother a lot...she went from telling us she would hit him to wanting to buy him presents and share her toys. We will see...I am expecting an adjustment period in our household for the first month. I can't wait to meet this little guy.....to see that he is healthy...to hear him breathing to seeing what he looks like and how much he weighs.....and to tell him how much he is loved by our Family and how many angels he has up in heaven watching over him every single day. His room looks great.....simple and preppy...still awaiting the roman shades we had made with cool Kiwi green striped fabric- they should be in soon.....

I never felt uncomfortable with Elle during my first pregnancy...this time its much different with lots of aches and pains.....although I have gained less weight, my belly is double the size which causes some sleepless nights....and walking, wow, I feel like a 80 year smoker!

As I type this....Elle sits in her highchair eating a soy ice cream sandwich watching special agent oso quiet as can be....we took her to the market today, several walks, and let her play with the water hose.....we've been around the house this last month and while I am feeling a tad stir crazy, it has been nice quality time with my own family...this is big for me as I typically have to over book ourselves and have plans all of the time to keep my focus from negative/sad things....it's not easy but we continue to move forward yet its always on my mind. my parents. my brother. my aunt. my lake house that is sitting there alone. We have an ant problem. I panicked. Why can't my Uncle go over there? I know, it's hard......but Gramps did it......he hates it too. I hope Christina and Aydan can get up there a lot this Summer and Teddy and I cannot wait to take our kids up there and enjoy it later in July and again in August if everyone is doing well.

Hopefully next time I write I will have amazing news to share about another addition to our Family. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers on welcoming another healthy beautiful child to this world. We really are blessed to have been given this chance at a new life and that all we have been through has never stopped us from living our life. I am so proud no matter how much this is not what I ever imagined.

All of my love and hope for happiness,
Melissa

Patricia was there: The birth of Elle - Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine

Patricia was there: The birth of Elle - Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine

I submitted a birth story regarding my experience with Elle.....I look forward to what surprises and joy my upcoming delivery with baby boy will bring.
I hope and pray my Parents are there for this one too.

All my love,
Melissa

Parentless Parents...

A book that I was highly anticipating the arrival for came earlier this week. The title- "Parentless Parents" (already sounds uplifting, huh?).....I dove into it immediately then come to find out....it's like reading my mind and heart...exactly how I feel. It almost bothered me that all of this resentment, jealousy, struggles watching my wonderful in-laws with my Daughter, sense of loneliness are all what these YOUNG parentless parents are feeling. And many of them lost their parents at different times and not to a tragic murder. That makes me nervous that my case of all of this will be even worse....(great, I thought as I read...I am screwed...) Each chapter started out with quotes.....these were so relevant to me.....

-" I definitely felt like I was operating without a safety net. Without my Mom and Dad, I found myself awash in doubt and anxiety" (this couldn't be any closer to the truth for my Sister and I)

-"I miss not having my Parents to ask them questions about my childhood to compare them with my daughter's experiences"

-"I feel like I don't have enough support and yet I have to perform and behave like my friends who have tons of parental support. It is overwhelming". (this one wasn't totally me as we've lived out of state for a while and do so well on our own, but yet nothing beats your own parents support and love for your child, it's tough not having what others have in a non-materialistic way)

-" I don't know anyone else who has given birth without parents by their side. It can make you feel alienated very quickly" (I am proud of how I handled birth with Elle. I fought depression off and made it through but man that was tough, I just couldn't believe they missed it. Yet, I watch others depressed over nothing much at all during their pregnancy. I have to walk away at times)

-"Each milestone-everything has something missing because you can't share it with the two people who birthed you and raised you" (this one is tough...I know I would be calling my Mommy daily....Dad would be yelling in the background, "what's Melissa bragging about now?!!)

-"I'm envious of people who have their parents at every milestone and school play. Those are my lowest times." (we're tough cookies, my Sister has sat in the stands alone for the last few years at Aydan's games......but it's not easy. Grandparents are always the most proud)

-"All they talked about was how she looked like so and so on their side. In my head I was screaming-she looks like my side of the family!! Can't you see that?! But the hard part was they couldn't see it. There was no one to see it." (Aydan looks like an Olszowy, Elle has some features-our personality and love for sweets but definitely favors Teddy's side...this does not bother me the least bit....what is bothersome is my Parents are gone and it's harder to visually compare and we can't even ask THEM what THEY think, makes me sad all of the time)

-"I am sad that my daughters will never know my parents. They will always be just people in a picture to them" (while I don't find this entirely true, it's hard to hear and accept it. I will honor my Parents life until the day I die and make certain my children know what they were about and the love they had for us all and what they valued will be known. I can promise you that. But it will never be the same...)

I related to all of these quotes and yet mine I feel are even more painful because of the way they had to freakin die. Of all the ways of death referred to the losses in this book I would take over mine. Train accident, cancer, car accident.....all would be horrific but at not as brutal as your own sibling causing the death. It adds on this terrible layer of sadness but you can never compare YOUR loss with others--they're all painful to the family it is happening too......In one of the earlier chapters, the Author was at her in-laws over the Holidays and it was killing her-as much as she loved them...she escaped the dinner (excused herself quietly) and sat in a closet and cried. I have felt like doing that many times over the past three years. You look around...everyone's smiling and in the Holiday spirit, googling over our daughter, anticipating what Santa will bring them the next morning and I have sat their miserable yet put on the happiest face I could bear. I miss MY family. MY traditions. MY mom and dad. They would understand and care the most. I don't want my Parents and not all of them, I want them both. They are/were so amazing....they all deserve to be a part of our Family and we so badly miss it.

It's the absence of unconditional love that has been the hardest part of these last three years.....I never want Elle or my future son to feel this void. Please keep me here until I am old and grey. I don't want them to have this void and tragic rain cloud over their head throughout their adulthood and raising their children. Please, no.....

I'm exhausted tonight...we worked around the house and yard today, went shopping and had a birthday party out in the "burbs"...Elle loved the bouncer and swing set (we go to the park for these type of activities due to no lawn) and it was a special treat.....but, standing and chasing her around was tiring. I was so achy. Ted was helping and looked and me and said, "let's leave before the cake...we'll go back to Hyde Park, park in the square and grab Greaters Ice cream.." I felt bad leaving early, but I couldn't run around anymore....I needed to sit- and enjoy some ice cream.......Elle is just even cuter these days.....really looking like a little girl, no longer a BABY. My Parents would be in awe......their wallets would be filled with pictures...Dad would show everyone up at Boomers....just like he did with his own kids.....She is doing SO well with potty training.....I hope she won't take steps back once baby brother comes but we are very proud of how determined she now is.........she is pure joy.

All of this aside, I still feel luckier then so many......I love this house. Our neighborhood. Our friends. And I'm healthy.....after all of this, I am healthy...sad but healthy. I could have failed. This would have killed some........I am so proud of Chris and I!!!!! I know you would be too Mom and Dad.......Elle is talking up a storm, you wouldn't believe some of the things she says and Aydan, well, he's scoring every goal in sight-both hockey and soccer. So proud........

All of my love and thanks for raising me to be this person. I have so many faults but so much good to offer and so much love to give to my friends and family.....thank you.

opening up the lake

I lost it this evening...the lights were dim, I finally took a minute to sit down and put my feet up and just sobbed like a baby. Ted headed 7 hours North, which I am so grateful for, to open up the lake for the Season. Once he got up there they ran errands to get some things for the house and all of the materials to build a sandbox which I am so thrilled about. But then he text me how much he loves it up there.....and how peaceful it was and how he was having a drink for Papa O (my Dad) and that he is here with us......I lost it. It broke my heart. I could picture him sitting on the dock, looking back at my Parents property and then out into the beautiful little lake and just missing my Dad. I miss my Parents so much and as much as I love it up there, it's so hard to be there......they would want to be up there with my friends...they were so social and fun- no going to bed early for them. After about 30 minutes, I text with my Sister and a few of my girlfriends who have been amazingly supportive through this pregnancy and I feel I can say anything to, "I'm sad right now and I'm crying".

I know no one will ever understand what this is like and that's okay. I had a great day today and last night I was spoiled again by friends- taken to a fabulous dinner and received some sweet outfits for the boy, and had a great Doctor's appointment thinking he should stay put for a little while longer....yet, I can be taken down at any moment. And then my Sister posts that she learned how to mow a lawn today for the first time at the place she is temporarily staying until her apartment is ready. I was proud yet pissed. I want my Sister to have a Family, I don't want her to be a struggling single Mom mowing the lawn? I feel so blessed to have what I have. I had window cleaners over today, a house cleaner coming tomorrow, someone stopped by to measure the baby's room for custom roman shades, landscaping was completed today and the list keeps going....I feel guilty. But I know Ted and I work hard.....but I still feel guilty. I am very lucky. Ted and I have made a wonderful life together despite what we have faced. He so deserves a few nights with the boys.....I hope he enjoys himself and that what he said was true- that my Dad is with us and there in spirit......

You are missed every single day. And that lake place of yours......wow, we now have such a deeper understanding and appreciation for how relaxing this place really is and how much work to keep it up is. I cherish Harrison, MI.

Mothers day weekend

I know I have to be one of the luckiest Moms out there....Ted made sure my day was super special yesterday but I have to admit, I was still super bummed.....my Mom was tragically taken from this World and "Mother's Day" has a new meaning to me. I missed my Mom. The one I would want to see me most as a Mother is gone. I never in a million years pictured her not being here. I still enjoyed moments and felt so lucky to be spoiled by Ted....Elle said throughout the day, "Happy Mother's day Mommy...relax". She's getting SO big and smart...we are amazed each day her new sentences and things she picks up. Ted started my morning off with a coffee- making a drive to a Dunkin Doughnuts-my favorite coffee-which is a 15 minute drive even though we have several coffee shops by our house and also greeted me with flowers and a gift card to a local spa so I can get pampered prior to labor. We said Jamaica was our Mother's day/Father's Day/Anniversary gift to each other....but that always changes.....
And then he put on the most fabulous brunch for our neighbor friends and I.....a homemade egg casserole that he prepped the night before......Belgian waffles with fresh whipping cream, berries and shaved chocolate......we sipped on virgin mimosas.....while Trey and Elle were being little stinkers and chasing each other up the stairs. I was exhausted yesterday though. I officially feel pregnant and candidly, feel like an old lady. Elle and I did the MS walk on Saturday and a mile kicked my butt. I am feeling crampy and achey....I never felt this way with Elle but I assume cleaning more and chasing after a two year old makes you really feel the second pregnancy. My most enjoyable moment though of the entire day was buying flowers to make a flower pot for my porch in honor of my Mom...we came back to the house and Elle and I put it together...she loved getting messy in the dirt and filling up the pot...she was so into it and she even kept saying "for Gramma shevy" was how she would pronounce it.....it still broke my heart why we had to do this.....why can't Mom just be here to see all of this.....

Stuff is coming together. The baby room is looking good, he has clothes and some diapers....fabric was decided on and we have two roman shades being made for the room. I am getting my house cleaned this upcoming weekend, windows professionally cleaned inside and out, and Ted is opening up the lake......we are getting stuff done before he arrives! We have a busy week....tomorrow Teddy and I celebrate 8 years of marriage which is crazy......our new Weber grill will arrive in honor of our special day...then Wednesday I am hosting a mixer at a local martini bar for the Network of Executive Women....I'll be facilitating a panel of leaders within the industry (and, be on my feet and in heels for several hours)....then Thursday, my lovely neighbor girlfriend put together a dinner for me before the baby comes. It will be great to be out to dinner with friends as I know June and July will be spent at home adjusting to our new life....then hopefully he is ready to be on the move just like Elle was. I look forward to some time up at the lake this year....Teddy and his friend Josh designed a sandbox and have plans to build it this weekend at the lake. I know how much Ted has enjoyed honoring my Dad by keeping up the place and adding some fun things to the property like the dock and now this......I know they would be proud....but it will never replace them being there.

Home stretch....about 30 days to go. Wish me luck.

Melissa

May has arrived

Justin sat at a Starbucks and enjoyed a coffee on his 30th birthday.

After two years at the facility, my brother was granted a day out with security. He was able to grab coffee twice at Starbucks, buy jeans and t-shirts at American Eagle, stop by Meijer and grab headphones and sit down for a good meal at a restaurant. It shocked me at first to hear these things as he had these opportunities all along while living with Mom and Dad. But without severe treatment and the right balance and mix of medications he would never have seen that there was life to be lived and the normal things most people do- he was missing out on. I am not sure how to handle my brother's progress and his strong desire to get better now that he clearly understands his condition, what he did, how dangerous he can be when not on medications, showing empathy to our Family, missing my Parents, and physically looking better then he has in years. I almost feel this is a no win situation although I would never tell him that. My Parents are gone, they aren't coming back.....and that angers me. They would want to be here to be proud of their Son doing normal things. He had conditions when he was living with my Parents such as washing his hands obsessively. This has cleared up completely. He was on the wrong medication and one that caused this OCD. He attends support groups now that don't judge and he has goals of making his first friend. While he had friends as a child and even into teenage years for a few of them at least, his only real "Friend" was my Mom.
Seeing my Parents you would have never known they had an ill son. They were social butterflies, always on the go, friendly as can be.....but I am sure deep down they were bothered by this and I know it caused stress at times but I am thankful they still lived life and didn't stop enjoying friends, fun and family because their Son had a condition. No one even knew what his condition was really, there were never any warning signs or situations that would lead my Family to believe he could ever have been of danger. I know this in my heart of hearts that we could have never known but I will always feel we all could have done something........yet I know I cannot focus on this....

I did find peace hearing the news that he enjoyed his birthday and especially when I personally spoke with him on the phone. I felt I could enjoy my day better knowing he was happy for the moment and he felt important and privileged for doing things that all of us do on a normal basis. This was a really big day for him and I am thankful it fell on his 30th birthday. I am sad Mom and Dad has and will miss all of our 30th birthdays.....it just doesn't seem right. They loved BIG birthdays and I am thankful we got to celebrate together for many of them but it doesn't make future celebrations any easier.

Trying to focus on the baby these days and all of the things Ted and I are trying to get done around the house. I have a list a mile long of things I want to buy for the baby, the house, and I know I need to slow down and be okay with letting some of it go.....one project at a time (yet my brain doesn't think this way)- I am an activator and want it done/purchased now.
I did buy an awesome new Weber Grill that arrives on our 8 year anniversary next week for Ted....I can't wait as we are having new landscaping done in the back and a new grill will just make for good entertaining this Summer. My Dad loved new grills and projects and things that we were doing.....I miss having my Mom and Dad around yet I continue to be reminded daily how lucky I was. I know our relationship and the type of people they were is rare. They left a strong legacy- one that is instilled in me everyday now.....but I know and will be the first to admit, my life will never be the same but I coming to terms with this and know I am blessed in so many other ways. I pray they are just in awe watching Ted and I here in Cincinnati, living our independent lives, raising a Family, running our household and careers, maintaining wonderful friendships and keeping connections as best as we can with the Family members they left behind. I know they are very, very proud and think they are worried about my Sister and I feel that too which causes me to be very overbearing. I wish I could just be a Sister but I don't see it possible anytime soon.

May is here. Goodbye to a heartbreaking month of their death, birthdays, and frankly, a ton of rain.....here's to.... beatutiful Cincinnati Weather and lots of walks, landscaping/windows and carpets cleaned, a new grill, a room filled with all things BLUE for the baby, getting my hospital bags packed, planting something for my Mom on Mother's day and having a wonderful breakfast with my own little Family and wonderful neighor friends to celebrate being MOMS, to toasting to my husband of 8 years, and to last but not least maybe even meeting a beautiful new addition to our Family yet secrelty hoping he waits to enter the World in June. I want a little more alone time with Elle Bell and I would love for him to share birthdays in the month my Father and Godchild were born......we shall see.

All my love,
Melissa