A book that I was highly anticipating the arrival for came earlier this week. The title- "Parentless Parents" (already sounds uplifting, huh?).....I dove into it immediately then come to find out....it's like reading my mind and heart...exactly how I feel. It almost bothered me that all of this resentment, jealousy, struggles watching my wonderful in-laws with my Daughter, sense of loneliness are all what these YOUNG parentless parents are feeling. And many of them lost their parents at different times and not to a tragic murder. That makes me nervous that my case of all of this will be even worse....(great, I thought as I read...I am screwed...) Each chapter started out with quotes.....these were so relevant to me.....
-" I definitely felt like I was operating without a safety net. Without my Mom and Dad, I found myself awash in doubt and anxiety" (this couldn't be any closer to the truth for my Sister and I)
-"I miss not having my Parents to ask them questions about my childhood to compare them with my daughter's experiences"
-"I feel like I don't have enough support and yet I have to perform and behave like my friends who have tons of parental support. It is overwhelming". (this one wasn't totally me as we've lived out of state for a while and do so well on our own, but yet nothing beats your own parents support and love for your child, it's tough not having what others have in a non-materialistic way)
-" I don't know anyone else who has given birth without parents by their side. It can make you feel alienated very quickly" (I am proud of how I handled birth with Elle. I fought depression off and made it through but man that was tough, I just couldn't believe they missed it. Yet, I watch others depressed over nothing much at all during their pregnancy. I have to walk away at times)
-"Each milestone-everything has something missing because you can't share it with the two people who birthed you and raised you" (this one is tough...I know I would be calling my Mommy daily....Dad would be yelling in the background, "what's Melissa bragging about now?!!)
-"I'm envious of people who have their parents at every milestone and school play. Those are my lowest times." (we're tough cookies, my Sister has sat in the stands alone for the last few years at Aydan's games......but it's not easy. Grandparents are always the most proud)
-"All they talked about was how she looked like so and so on their side. In my head I was screaming-she looks like my side of the family!! Can't you see that?! But the hard part was they couldn't see it. There was no one to see it." (Aydan looks like an Olszowy, Elle has some features-our personality and love for sweets but definitely favors Teddy's side...this does not bother me the least bit....what is bothersome is my Parents are gone and it's harder to visually compare and we can't even ask THEM what THEY think, makes me sad all of the time)
-"I am sad that my daughters will never know my parents. They will always be just people in a picture to them" (while I don't find this entirely true, it's hard to hear and accept it. I will honor my Parents life until the day I die and make certain my children know what they were about and the love they had for us all and what they valued will be known. I can promise you that. But it will never be the same...)
I related to all of these quotes and yet mine I feel are even more painful because of the way they had to freakin die. Of all the ways of death referred to the losses in this book I would take over mine. Train accident, cancer, car accident.....all would be horrific but at not as brutal as your own sibling causing the death. It adds on this terrible layer of sadness but you can never compare YOUR loss with others--they're all painful to the family it is happening too......In one of the earlier chapters, the Author was at her in-laws over the Holidays and it was killing her-as much as she loved them...she escaped the dinner (excused herself quietly) and sat in a closet and cried. I have felt like doing that many times over the past three years. You look around...everyone's smiling and in the Holiday spirit, googling over our daughter, anticipating what Santa will bring them the next morning and I have sat their miserable yet put on the happiest face I could bear. I miss MY family. MY traditions. MY mom and dad. They would understand and care the most. I don't want my Parents and not all of them, I want them both. They are/were so amazing....they all deserve to be a part of our Family and we so badly miss it.
It's the absence of unconditional love that has been the hardest part of these last three years.....I never want Elle or my future son to feel this void. Please keep me here until I am old and grey. I don't want them to have this void and tragic rain cloud over their head throughout their adulthood and raising their children. Please, no.....
I'm exhausted tonight...we worked around the house and yard today, went shopping and had a birthday party out in the "burbs"...Elle loved the bouncer and swing set (we go to the park for these type of activities due to no lawn) and it was a special treat.....but, standing and chasing her around was tiring. I was so achy. Ted was helping and looked and me and said, "let's leave before the cake...we'll go back to Hyde Park, park in the square and grab Greaters Ice cream.." I felt bad leaving early, but I couldn't run around anymore....I needed to sit- and enjoy some ice cream.......Elle is just even cuter these days.....really looking like a little girl, no longer a BABY. My Parents would be in awe......their wallets would be filled with pictures...Dad would show everyone up at Boomers....just like he did with his own kids.....She is doing SO well with potty training.....I hope she won't take steps back once baby brother comes but we are very proud of how determined she now is.........she is pure joy.
All of this aside, I still feel luckier then so many......I love this house. Our neighborhood. Our friends. And I'm healthy.....after all of this, I am healthy...sad but healthy. I could have failed. This would have killed some........I am so proud of Chris and I!!!!! I know you would be too Mom and Dad.......Elle is talking up a storm, you wouldn't believe some of the things she says and Aydan, well, he's scoring every goal in sight-both hockey and soccer. So proud........
All of my love and thanks for raising me to be this person. I have so many faults but so much good to offer and so much love to give to my friends and family.....thank you.
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