Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Aloha

I did not think Ted being in Hawaii my last week of maternity leave would be this bad. I literally could vomit I have been so upset. I want to be in Hawaii. I know it was my decision to say I couldn't go when I was pregnant- so he took his brother, which is great, but I am left here alone for the week with the kids....and I am not going to lie, it sucks.

It's not the kids...they're great. It's me....ever since my Parents died, I HATE being alone and I thought being in MI would make it a little better since Ted's Mom would be here in the evenings and could help get Elle down, someone to eat dinner with, but it's been hard....with Elle not in school, there's not much we can do here. I miss my walks, getting coffee with friends and at least there is not this hurtful pain in my heart that there is no one here- in terms of my family to visit my Son-when in Cincinnati. We spent time with Christina over the weekend and she's thankfully having us over to her apartment for dinner tomorrow. She is so overwhelmed with school full time and Aydan and trying to get her life in order. I am so glad we got to spend some time together but she is busy during the day, everyone works...so this was just a bad idea. Cindy is so sweet and took us and the kids shopping and to dinner a few nights ago. But I sadly kept thinking of Ted sipping on amazing cocktails in one of the most beautiful places in the World. I want to be there with my husband. I really miss Ted....he's been traveling so much. I am so complicated....I have changed so much these last three years. Relationships are tough enough and you add in the tragedy, two new children and heavy work travel......emotions are high........I wish I was carefree and could accept my parents death, and smaller things like...Ted is in Hawaii...I couldn't go but I have this beautiful 3 month year old Son that needed me that still eats every 2 hours, he wouldn't have enjoyed Hawaii-let's be honest...BUT it's so hard to accept the really hard stuff that has happened and it's hard to let go of this week and let it be what it is. And my expectations need to be lowered. I thought he'd call more. That's okay. I know he's having fun with his brothers and he SO deserves this trip but so do I. Some days. from the ones I am closest to, I just want understanding but maybe they'll never really understand what it's like.

I will get through this week......he'll be back on Friday and this Hawaiian trip will be in the past and no one can ever take these 15 weeks away from my Son and I and the extra weeks this Summer that I got to spend with Elle. She's just my little friend these days.....she melted my heart today when she said the following, "don't worry Mommy, papa will be back soon.....or, "you can't go, I'll miss you" or, "do you miss your Mommy in heaven? my other gramma is at work". She is wise beyond her years and I am so sorry and guilty that I am not happier this week and that I am not soaking in the moments. I did smell her hair tonight for a long time when singing her songs before bed. As my therapist says, focus on senses....smell, touch, taste, take deep breathes...there will be less time for my mind to race and to think and to get myself all worked up.........tough week Mom and Dad. I would love more than anything to drive to Allen Park to see you this week. We'd hang out. Mom and I would take the kids places. I miss my Family in Heaven, in Hawaii and frankly I miss my Family that is right in front of me.
I will sign off with this.....I am grateful for the memories I have had with my loved ones, my amazing trip to Hawaii with Ted 5 years ago and countless other places, and the beautiful children I have in front of me.....may this week end better than it started and may Ted get home safely.

Love,
Melissa

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