a month old...

WOW, Harrison is almost a month old....we've been busy in the Close household adjusting to the added addition. He is much more alert these days....but pretty much still in the eating/sleeping phase. He doesn't love his crib yet at night so he has been in the room with me in the "sleep n play" all snuggled up. I feel rested though he is up every 2-3 hours still....he is just adorable and Elle has adjusted just fine but Daddy has become her new best friend. Children, managing a household and careers is a lot... but in my opinion, I don't think anything tops dealing with the heartache of missing my Family and how they died and not having them here to meet our new Family. As much as I would love an extra pair of hands right now, it's the unconditional love and care I miss and need the most right now. It's having my Mom to call 24-7...it's hard and I know no one can understand. Maybe I will stop mentioning it to others as I know they can never relate and maybe it's not fair to even bring it up as they don't know what to say or how to help...but sometimes I need to vent and to share my feelings. They see me with two beautiful, healthy children and a great career, wonderful home, etc, etc....and yes, I have SO much to be thankful for. I am very aware of all of our blessings...but I am also so aware of the heartache and the challenge of a tragic loss and the acceptance they will never meet these babies. And I worry about my Sister, Aydan and my brother. There's just a lot of baggage along with expanding our family. But I know how proud my Parents would be of us..when I look at how my Sister and I have handled these last three years, my parents would be AMAZED. This would crush some...and here I am expanding my Family, traveling, focusing on my career...and Chris chases nursing school, continues to be a great Mom to Aydan (our soccer star!!) despite everything she has faced...they would be so proud. With that said, it doesn't take away the pain.

Harrison is such a good boy...see, God takes care of me in other ways and I know this...I am grateful for this but I want something I will never have again. I want my Family back. I want to head up to Harrison next week with my Mother-in-law and the kids and walk in to my Parents greeting us....to Dad grilling and serving drinks to my Mom laughing and so happy to see us there....they would be so honored and thrilled to have us all up at the lake...I will miss sharing these moments with them for the rest of my life.

Though I am stressed, I feel like Ted and I are super Mom and Dad at times....yesterday I don't think either of us sat down (well, I did a lot to feed Harrison but that was it)..from watering the lawn and flowers, to weeding to grocery shopping, to cooking to cleaning to laundry to prepping a room to be painted, preparing for our new driveway, making calls to get a tree picked up that fell on our driveway, to organizing to baths to packing lunches to talking to friends to taking Elle and Harrison to the market, to constantly putting Elle on the potty to avoid accidents to changing a zillion diapers....my head spins at times yet this stuff isn't the hard stuff I face in my life. I can handle being busy ...I cannot handle the loss at times. I know no one can relate but Chris and I. I guess sometimes I wish people could....it wouldn't make a difference yet I guess there wouldn't be these expectations that I should be back to myself and that I should be always looking at the glass half full. I do know I can look myself in the mirror everyday and be so proud of how I have handled this but know it's a challenge every day.

I have two beautiful children...and while it will be bittersweet as always, I look forward to Harrison meeting Family and Friends back in MI this week and introducing him to the place he was named after as well! It will be a special moment for me seeing them up there knowing what happiness it would have brought to Mom and Dad.

All my love and hope for continued health and happiness for my Family and that Mom and Dad are watching the good times from up above...I pray they don't see me sad. It would break their hearts. Thankful for the friendships we have and love that has been shown to our baby boy...he's too sweet...and I wish him a Happy birthday tomorrow as he reaches ONE MONTH!!!!

Melissa