heartbroken and blessed

Mom and Dad,

Harrison is just beautiful...this is once again so hard to experience without you here. It's an isolating feeling at a young age to be without my Parents during this time. There's no one to call to share every little detail about my Son and what he was up to for the day...sure, I have so many amazing friends and they are so generous and continue to send such thoughtful things- packages arrive daily and another dinner and wine was brought over tonight....and I have in-laws that care but they have their life and other children...we cannot always be the focus...But, I miss having someone calling me every day to check up on things. This continues to be a struggle and makes me angry my folks are gone....and during the day it's just me and the little guy. Ted's been working in an office lately and we send big sis to school. I know once I feel 100% I will be out and about, taking long walks, going to the park, meeting friends for lunch, and shopping...but until I am healed I know I will be around the house for the most part which is tough for a busy body like me. I did get out for lunch today with a friend and her little baby girl..it felt so nice to be out in beautiful weather with Harrison.

Fourth of July weekend will always be an emotional one. One of my parents favorite weekends at the lake and this year all of their Harrison, MI friends who all owned a place up there are gathering like old times at our old lake, "Cranberry lake". The area in Harrison where it all began...we all had small cute little cabins, pontoon boats and the beach we would all gather at on the weekends. It was such an event as I look back.....over 15 couples with their kids..everyone brought food to share....my Parents must have loved this. They had all of their friends and some of our family and us kids all together when in Harrison. My Parents were so much more relaxed up north...I wish I would have appreciated the place more as a child and even as I got older...I want Mom and Dad to know how thankful I am for this place. I hope after learning my Son's name....they know and feel it.

Well, I am thrilled though because Christina is going to take Aydan up there this weekend and I know its going to be hard for my Dad's brother and all of my parents friends to see them....It's an instant reminder that they're gone and I know everyone loves my Son's name yet I know its probably heartbreaking to some even if they never tell me so. It's heartbreaking for me too. I wish for my Sister and Aydan a memorable weekend yet I know it will be lonely. I know it will never be the same. I know you will miss Dad's french toast in the morning and that its a lot of work up there for us. I am sorry I cannot be there to help. Just try and take deep breathes and take in the amazing air up there....look up at the stars- they're so bright up there. Make a s'more for me...I am sorry it has to be this way. We miss you Mom and Dad.

Because we couldn't make it up to the lake this early after Harrison's arrival, our best friends are headed to Cincinnati for the weekend. Really looking forward to being with friends....they are like Family and candidly, we have more friends then family and we need to appreciate these friendships that we do have in our lives. Friends cannot replace Parents of course but you can share your children, joy, love, sadness and fun with your closest friends...

My heart aches of loneliness yet I am so grateful for the generosity that continues to shine through from others.....and absolutely grateful for these two beautiful, healthy children. I am so lucky and only wish my Mom, Dad, and brother were here to see Ted and I expanding our family and managing this new little life on our own now.... I am a good Mom because I had a good Mom....she showed nothing short of unconditional love, always.....I am not perfect though and I need to work on my patients. I am sort of like Dad in that respect...but I'm working on it. And in honor of Dad's birthday yesterday, I actually cooked! Hooray! I think Ted was stunned and I am sure my Parents were as well...

Love always,

Melissa