Well, this weekend I received a text message that 7.5 months later after her diagnosis, she passed....a very hard battle......I read a blog post from her youngest Sister the day after she died. I balled my eyes out. She seemed like the most amazing person, beautiful, young, a new Mom, a handsome husband, great family and friends and a person who really gave back to the World and had such strong faith. A person who had an all Holiday Christmas tree up. Her entire family was by her side when she passed. I read the words of her Sister's blog and while I was crying because I could relate (not to her story particularly) but to the fresh pain of those early days of the tragedy, I have no idea what it would have been like to be there. Those early days are shocking, painful and filled with disbelief that "this" could ever happen to "your" family. As I continued to read on about watching her sister take her very last breath and how her daughter was only a year and 1/2 was outside of the hospital room sleeping in someone's arms. She has no idea......her Mom just died and while it seems she has so many loving family members surrounding her, she will never know what it's like to have a Mom. She'll only hear through family and pictures and videos....it sounds like she left such a legacy....I pray her daughter will grow up always feeling presence from her Mom and that she continues to be a huge part of her life. From not even knowing these people and only hearing this all through a friend and a blog, it seems their family was so close........it just hit home for me. I was envious (how dare I say that) that they all got to say goodbye, as painful as it was. They got to hold her hand and hug her and love her and say everything imaginable that you ever wanted to say. And now, because her death was somewhat expected, of course not this soon, but they get to plan a funeral filled with honoring her life and her amazing courage and love for life during a horrific battle. I think back to my parent's funeral. There is so much more I wish we would have done....it was too tragic though but to this family- their story is just as tragic just in a different way. Ugh, death is so hard and when I hear heartbreaking stories such as this they always impact me pretty deeply. I thought about this person who died so young all weekend, I prayed for her Mom and Dad and Husband and Daughter.....how heartbreaking. I know how terribly hard the Holidays will be this year and for many to come. I wish I could hug them and tell them they will eventually be "okay" maybe never the same, but they will get through it and continue to live their lives but will always carry heartache that many will never understand. They will smile and laugh again, I promise.
In the blog she was asking her Sister if Heaven was everything she had imagined...clouds that look like pink cotton candy......I wonder that, too. My faith has been questioned. I want to believe so badly that my Family and this beautiful girl, and my grandparents are in a magical place but it will never replace the deep sadness of wishing they were here. Sometimes I don't care how beautiful Heaven is suppose to be- we needed them here.....I hugged my kids extra tight this weekend....I cannot imagine dying at this age and leaving behind my babies. Missing their entire life....and I also think about how I never want my kids to be as sad as I am about missing their Mom and Dad. I never want them to miss us and avoid happiness and joy at times because they are so consumed that we are not there. I want to raise them to believe and know Ted and I will always be there, no matter what happens. Even when we're long gone....I want them to know we are still there, living through them. Who knows...maybe that's what my parents are wishing for me right now. Maybe they are really sad looking down and seeing how much I miss them. All I want is for them to meet my kids and see me as a Mom. I'm all grown up now in just 3 1/2 years. And just like this family will soon come to face, you won't believe how fast time passes and as you get further and further away from their death, you start to forget what their voice sounded like or what they smelled like when they would hug you....I hate that part. I miss you Mom and Dad.....say hello to this new person up there.....she seemed like an amazing, beautiful, girl.
All my love and hope,
Melissa
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