May has arrived

Justin sat at a Starbucks and enjoyed a coffee on his 30th birthday.

After two years at the facility, my brother was granted a day out with security. He was able to grab coffee twice at Starbucks, buy jeans and t-shirts at American Eagle, stop by Meijer and grab headphones and sit down for a good meal at a restaurant. It shocked me at first to hear these things as he had these opportunities all along while living with Mom and Dad. But without severe treatment and the right balance and mix of medications he would never have seen that there was life to be lived and the normal things most people do- he was missing out on. I am not sure how to handle my brother's progress and his strong desire to get better now that he clearly understands his condition, what he did, how dangerous he can be when not on medications, showing empathy to our Family, missing my Parents, and physically looking better then he has in years. I almost feel this is a no win situation although I would never tell him that. My Parents are gone, they aren't coming back.....and that angers me. They would want to be here to be proud of their Son doing normal things. He had conditions when he was living with my Parents such as washing his hands obsessively. This has cleared up completely. He was on the wrong medication and one that caused this OCD. He attends support groups now that don't judge and he has goals of making his first friend. While he had friends as a child and even into teenage years for a few of them at least, his only real "Friend" was my Mom.
Seeing my Parents you would have never known they had an ill son. They were social butterflies, always on the go, friendly as can be.....but I am sure deep down they were bothered by this and I know it caused stress at times but I am thankful they still lived life and didn't stop enjoying friends, fun and family because their Son had a condition. No one even knew what his condition was really, there were never any warning signs or situations that would lead my Family to believe he could ever have been of danger. I know this in my heart of hearts that we could have never known but I will always feel we all could have done something........yet I know I cannot focus on this....

I did find peace hearing the news that he enjoyed his birthday and especially when I personally spoke with him on the phone. I felt I could enjoy my day better knowing he was happy for the moment and he felt important and privileged for doing things that all of us do on a normal basis. This was a really big day for him and I am thankful it fell on his 30th birthday. I am sad Mom and Dad has and will miss all of our 30th birthdays.....it just doesn't seem right. They loved BIG birthdays and I am thankful we got to celebrate together for many of them but it doesn't make future celebrations any easier.

Trying to focus on the baby these days and all of the things Ted and I are trying to get done around the house. I have a list a mile long of things I want to buy for the baby, the house, and I know I need to slow down and be okay with letting some of it go.....one project at a time (yet my brain doesn't think this way)- I am an activator and want it done/purchased now.
I did buy an awesome new Weber Grill that arrives on our 8 year anniversary next week for Ted....I can't wait as we are having new landscaping done in the back and a new grill will just make for good entertaining this Summer. My Dad loved new grills and projects and things that we were doing.....I miss having my Mom and Dad around yet I continue to be reminded daily how lucky I was. I know our relationship and the type of people they were is rare. They left a strong legacy- one that is instilled in me everyday now.....but I know and will be the first to admit, my life will never be the same but I coming to terms with this and know I am blessed in so many other ways. I pray they are just in awe watching Ted and I here in Cincinnati, living our independent lives, raising a Family, running our household and careers, maintaining wonderful friendships and keeping connections as best as we can with the Family members they left behind. I know they are very, very proud and think they are worried about my Sister and I feel that too which causes me to be very overbearing. I wish I could just be a Sister but I don't see it possible anytime soon.

May is here. Goodbye to a heartbreaking month of their death, birthdays, and frankly, a ton of rain.....here's to.... beatutiful Cincinnati Weather and lots of walks, landscaping/windows and carpets cleaned, a new grill, a room filled with all things BLUE for the baby, getting my hospital bags packed, planting something for my Mom on Mother's day and having a wonderful breakfast with my own little Family and wonderful neighor friends to celebrate being MOMS, to toasting to my husband of 8 years, and to last but not least maybe even meeting a beautiful new addition to our Family yet secrelty hoping he waits to enter the World in June. I want a little more alone time with Elle Bell and I would love for him to share birthdays in the month my Father and Godchild were born......we shall see.

All my love,
Melissa