3rd Christmas

I would have never imagined that Christmas 2007 would be the last Christmas I would spend with my Mom, Dad and brother as a Family. Christina had to work Christmas day so we all gathered at her home for Christmas Eve brunch that year.....and then had Ted's parents to Mom and Dad's for dinner on Christmas Day along with Mom's side of the family and many of their friends stopping by to say hello. I would have never imagined this would be it. The last presents given to and received by them, the last time they would see their grandchild rip open Christmas gifts with the biggest grin on his face. And the last time my Mother got to bake her Christmas cookies and Christmas cheesecakes for family and friends. I would have never imagined this would be it. And here we are going on the third Christmas without them and it's just as painful as the first. More grandchildren have joined our family and another one on the way...I can only imagine how joyful this year would be if they were here. They would be in their glory.......

I will probably never look at the Holidays the same again but I will continue searching for ways to create new traditions and incorporate all I have learned through the years from my Family and the true meaning of togetherness.

We're back in MI until the new year with hopes of keeping busy, seeing friends, enjoying Christmas eve with the Close Family, and seeing my Grandfather and my Mom's siblings on Christmas day. May you all have a Merry Christmas...thank you for the prayers you continue to send our way in hopes for peace in 2011....

Melissa

Christmas wreath

I lost it in English Gardens today picking out my Parents Christmas wreath for their grave. Ted and Gracie waited in the car and I quickly ran in. Then I felt the pressure in my chest. Why was I here? Why am I buying a wreath for my parents and not gifts to wrap and place under the tree. I picked up a really pretty wreath with a bow of much of my Mom's living room colors, and started to cry. I could barely answer the cashier when I asked if I found everything I was looking for.

I walked slowly and tearfully back to the car...and Ted and I drove into St. Hedwigs beautiful cemetery....slow down, there's the four odd looking trees....that's when I know we're almost there. Everything was covered in snow and I wasn't certain we'd find their grave. Ted and I walked up the hill and I could just feel we were close......we scraped off several gravestones until I saw the name Jerome. We found it...and sadly wished my parents a Merry Christmas. I miss my Family. And after I arrived back to Cincinnati...a Christmas card was waiting there from my brother. A gift is still coming. He wrote thoughtful words, words my parents would have loved to hear him say. "I miss you and Ted and I hope you and Ted and Elle have a great Christmas". I felt such sadness in my heart when he asked me if I thought anyone in the family would ever have a relationship with him again. My heart aches for him.

We had a quick weekend in MI but got to do some fun things and I especially enjoyed cheering on the hockey star take his team to victory scoring 2 of the 4 goals, and watching Elle's face lit up as he saw the blow up Santa her Grandparents set up just for her. Elle loved my parents blow up turkey that the Close's put up so we knew we needed something for Christmas. We also got some time with our friends at the annual Griswold Christmas party and enjoyed a fun night out even though once the clock struck midnight, I literally turned into a pumpkin. It was way past my bedtime....but the team enjoyed having me as their "driver" for the evening.

We miss our beautiful daughter but feel so thankful Ted's parents wanted to spend the time with their granddaughter and do some fun Holiday things with her and give us a little break to work, shop, wrap presents and candidly, grab a nice "Adult" dinner for a few days. I know how much my parents would enjoy this time with Elle....Grandparents are a huge part of one's life. I know how badly Aydan misses Gamma and Papa. I deeply cherish my Grandfather that is still with us.

Looking forward to getting back to MI to spend Christmas eve with our family and friends and opening with my Sister Christmas morning and watching Elle. Thrilled she has agreed to come over. We must try new things, Chris as hard as it is....nothing will ever replace our Christmas mornings with Mom, Dad, Justin and us two girls. Such wonderful memories.

Family time in Cincinnati

This weekend was exactly what I needed......time with my Family. Although I was saddened my Sister and nephew had to cancel last minute due to the flu and snowy weather, having my Dad's Sister-my Aunt and Uncle here made me feel closer to my Dad and Grandfather and allowed me to enjoy a little of the Holiday Season. I've always been close with my Aunt. She was the go to person for advice on college, careers, moving around.....she was very close with my Mom and Dad, "my Sister" as Dad always referred to her as. When I am with my Family, I can be myself. They know the good and the bad. We laughed, we joked, we cried and we talked. She shares stories about my Dad, we talk about memories, we looked at a few pictures and shed tears and we talked about my brother. My Sister informed me a Christmas gift is coming from my brother. I am fearful and panicked as I await this gift. I know my brother misses his Family and the Holidays are especially tough. I don't want to receive this gift. I don't want it to make me even more sad thinking of him actually picking this out or ordering it through the hospital. Not only do my Sister and I have to continue to deal with this tragic loss, we still have my brother and we have to deal with things such as this. I know he is lonely, we all are yet I don't want to face it. I don't want to face his sadness too or have him sending me Christmas gifts. I'm really nervous.

Miss Elle loved having her great Aunt and Uncle here....she got to open a few presents and she surely understands gifts and opening now...we took her downtown to show her the tree, the ice rink and ended at Starbucks to sit and chat over a Peppermint mocha. We then headed back to the house for Italian night.....my Aunt is very much like my Dad and takes over the kitchen making a yummy meal. My Aunt and I did a few fun things that made me miss my Mom yet I was so thankful I had someone to do these things with...........we made homemade truffles, went Christmas shopping, talked every morning over coffee and ended every evening with cookies and milk. It was so nice to have family in our newly renovated kitchen and to have them check it out and give us decorating tips and stuff..... We miss my Family but I am blessed with people that have always been in my life... to see me on this continued journey.........now almost a Mother of two. Life has been crazy. I know how proud they would be yet I know my Mom's heart would be hurting just as much as mine....

Thank you for making this season a little brighter.

Melissa

a kitchen at last

I love having the kitchen almost done...there is so much more room and space to entertain.....and having Mom's tree up and some of her decorations- remind me of Holidays at my Parent's home.... Elle, by accident, was admiring this Christmas house I have always adored since my parents died and she pulled it down and it fell to the floor and broke in a million pieces....it wasn't her fault but I was so sad....anything that was my Mom's I don't want to lose and I feel like I don't have that much because I wasn't at their home to go through my childhood things.....bottom line, I was sad to see it go! I wanted to scream, cry and pout....

But, I am thankful for the tree Mommy left behind. It's a perfect little tree that fits nicely into our cozy living room.....

One of our best friends drove in for the weekend. Always wanting to help and take on projects while in town, broke in the new kitchen with his speciality-pizza night, and I enjoyed talking with him over coffee in the morning or while they enjoyed a glass of red wine or beer, I sat there chatting with my NA champagne which I found to taste pretty good....we are so thankful for his friendship and appreciate all of his help since we have moved into this home. Ted's working on a "man room" in the basement so him and Josh spent most of the weekend down there or making trips to Lowes...

Hard to believe we have one weekend left here before we are back in MI for the following weekends for parties and Holiday break....next weekend my Aunt, Uncle, Sister and nephew come into town. So looking forward to time with my Family and to do some festive things over the weekend. It will be exciting to show them the new renovations and be together before Christmas and to show them Cincinnati in December. I can already feel my heart hurt a little more each day as Christmas nears. I still can't believe they are really gone and that they are truly missing all of this and each and every Holiday. It's still so heartbreaking. We miss them so much yet there is nothing we can do to bring them back and our only option is to keep on living as we have been....but these are the times when that becomes extra difficult to do. I think of my brother and praying for him. He's lonely too and will be alone at Christmas as well without his immediate Family. I'm so sorry...

news flash!!

I love anything from Tiffanys also known as the "blue box" but what Ted and I shared at Thanksgiving dinner was more exciting then any gift one could buy from there. And, we have learned throughout my Parent's death and beyond that we cannot take anything from the blue box with us when we go....only family, friends and memories matter and all we take with us........Ted and I are once again expecting a baby. Frankly, I was shocked at first and spent several hours crying. I thought to myself, "another baby Mom and Dad won't get to meet" and I got nervous thinking, "how will Ted and I manage both of our careers with two children on our own out of state away from any help and support?" And it occurred to me that if we can get through the brutal loss of my Family and the continued struggles that we face with everything that has followed us from the loss, my brother, and so many other things, then we can do it....I am confident in our ability to somehow make it all work with the help, support and love being sent from above and all around us.......I am nervous, of course. Just today I was overwhelmed getting Elle dressed, fed, dog let out, lunch packed, getting myself ready, etc as Ted is traveling and I couldn't imagine doing it with two children but I know I am not the only one that has to do this on their own. But I know even if I just had my Mom to call would make things better.....I think most Moms can make things better in any given situation. I will miss that for the rest of my life.

Announcing to our Family and Friends on Thanksgiving made things more special.....Holidays are bittersweet for my Sister and I so any good news to share is wonderful. I will miss my Parents immensely throughout this pregnancy and especially when their third Grandchild enters the world next June.....such a special month both Aydan and my Dad's birthday months.

We all gathered this past weekend with Mom's side of the Family...Ted and I treated everyone to yummy Buddy's pizza and it was so nice to be together and talk about our plans for Christmas dinner. They're always missed but I think we all bring each other comfort by being together. Their spirit is always with us through laughter and fun. It's still the weirdest feeling without them though.....

Busy months ahead finishing up our home renovations, visitors, the Holidays, traveling for work and planning for baby #2......thank you all for your love and support. May my parents hear the special news and watch over us throughout this time....my Mom and Dad would just be estatic. Another baby!

Melissa

Thankful

Another Thanksgiving upon us....Ted, Elle, Gracie and I will travel back to MI tomorrow and stay through Sunday. I've made some plans to switch things up a bit this year including the Detroit turkey trot Thanksgiving morning with my Sister and running the mash mile with Aydan...and Saturday, Aydan and Elle will get Christmas pictures and we have lunch with my Mom's Sister and Brother, my Aunt Kim and the kids and Uncle Jimmy. I feel responsible for keeping the small family we have together and gathering like we used to with my Parents. I continue to be amazed how my Parents gathered their friends and family. Not everyone makes the effort but you have to keep doing your best. Thanksgiving, Christmas, the Holiday Season just doesn't feel the same. I am not as excited as I once was to head home. Frankly, not excited at all. Many cannot relate. They are thinking but you have Elle. I know if anyone else lost their parents and brother this way they too would struggle around the holidays. I don't expect anyone to understand. I really don't. But know I wish more than anything I had the Holiday spirit I once had. The Holiday spirit my Mother sure had......she decorated and baked and sent hundreds of Christmas cards, hosted parties and looked forward to Christmas day with her Dad, siblings, children, grandchild and friends. Dad was the entertainer....making sure the Food was ready and that everyone had a drink. I miss my Family...........and I will be thinking of my Mommy, Dad, Brother and Grandfather on Thanksgiving day wishing they were here with the rest of us....my Parents spent Thanksgiving with the Close Family a few times, my brother did even once......it was natural....and it would have always been like that. I am thankful we have the memories even though the pain remains it was taken away. Not everyone was as lucky and Ted and I were.

Looking forward to a few days off work, time to see my nephew and my Sister and some of our family and meet up with our friends..........we are still so thankful for so much....our kitchen is looking so nice now and we are only a few weeks away from it all being complete. Just in time for my Aunt and Uncle's visit in December and my Sister. I am looking ahead to fun times with my Family at our newly renovated home that hopefully will be more comfortable for entertaining.

Happy Thanksgiving to my Family in Heaven that I miss dearly and to all of my Family and Friends that are a part of our life each and every day. We are blessed to have you in our life.

Melissa

music to my heart

I received one of the most beautiful, thoughtful emails in my life today and especially since my parent's death throughout these past few years....and I have received A LOT of wonderfully comforting, sincere emails from so many friends and family throughout these times.

The words I read were things I have always wanted to hear-someone trying to relate what a beautiful experience such as having a child would be like without Parents to share in the joy and love. Especially having them die the way they did. It was comforting, sad and beautiful to read. Ted's cousin just gave birth to a beautiful, healthy boy and she has incredibly loving, supportive parents and fabulous in-laws. The perfect combo, just like I had. It felt comforting to hear someone say, ya know, it just wouldn't be the same without my own Parents. We love our in-laws, they're amazing, but they're not our parents and not our "mommy". "Someone understands" I thought to myself...not fully, of course, because she has her parents to share in the joy but the fact that she tried to relate to what I have been facing and that it has been bittersweet. While the words didn't take my pain away, I cried tears of thankfulness that someone was thinking of me-appreciating all they have through the birth of their child and into the future-and wishing I had the same. People have absolutely told me they admire my strength and courage but for someone to tell me they are even in more awe of me now, that they have experienced what it's like to have your own child and have your family surrounding you, how I have chosen to live my life despite this sadness and recognizing how tough this must continue to be. Thank you for thinking of me through these tough, beatiful, heartbreaking moments I have faced.

I know more children will come between my Sister and I and we will always have heavy hearts wishing my parents were here waiting in the delivery room antipcating the excitement of meeting their next Grandchild. We'll never have that. I am thankful my Sister did with Aydan. My Mom cut the cord and my Father walked in with a baseball glove and ball. Thank god they experienced a gift of a grandchild. While it was much too short, thank you god for allowing my Parents to have this before their life ended.

Empathy is an amazing trait to have and I hope now I can always relate and put myself in someone else's shoes even if for only a moment. Life is tough for some, others will complain through life trying to compete with the Jone's family focusing on material things, and some will live with great strength and have great love for others even though their life has been painful. I hope I can continue living a good life but I worry. I worry about the continued missing of my Family and facing the way they died and not having that closeness and how it will impact my future and my own Family's future. I worry a lot about one day facing my brother which is on next year's have to do. I know how lonely he is and I'm saddended he too will not enjoy his Holidays as we always remembered them to be. I wish I could do more for him. I will visit someday, brother.

I love you too, Beth. Thank you.

family

We took pictures in the park this weekend with our friends for the Holidays.....we got some adorable ones for potential Christmas cards and for family. Yet, all I would like to do is share them with my Mom. I am already stressed about the Holidays. Who will host Christmas this year? Where will we go with my Grandfather and the small group that is left? So many things have changed. Mom and Dad had been hosting Christmas dinner for 20+ years.....and I think of my Sister....Matt is working on Christmas this year and Aydan will be with his Dad on the day so I know it will be emotional for my Sister, I am hoping we can gather at her house..... She literally has no where to spend Christmas morning. It's just crazy. Well of course I will invite her over to Ted's parents home but that's not the same. We both want to be with our family too. It's so strange to not have a home to go back to for the Holidays, to show off your children to you parent's old friends, neighbors, etc. It's been a very challenging transition. I want Aydan and Elle to have speical memories with our family, Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents but I need to accept things have changed and this is our new Family but our hearts will always ache and we will do everything we can to make certain their memory lives on through both of our children.

We are so thankful we have Elle, honestly, I feel at times she is the only thing that will make the Holidays bright. She continues to amaze us with how much she is growing, talking and learning. She is just too cute. And I am thankful for great friends and in fact, one of them is coming to visit me this weekend. A great way to kick off the Holiday Season. Just wish our house was in better shape but we have a few more weeks to go.....we picked out the granite for our Island this weekend and the new fridge and stove arrive this week. Getting excited for future entertaining...

Love,

Melissa

21 months old

Favorite foods: spinach, broccoli (yes, I got lucky), greek yogurt, pizza, strawberries, vanilla ice cream, papa's homemade mac and cheese, anything CHEESE

Favorite things: books, blankies, puzzles, animals (dogs in particular)

Favorite activities: picking up leaves, cruising in her beep beep, art at school, playing with friends, dancing, feeding Gracie, unloading the dishwasher

Favorite words: walk away Gracie, oh no, love you mama, love you papa, love you Gracie, gracie go potty, bye bye everybody, all done, more, please, doggie, book, read

Favorite sign language: more, please, eat, dog, cat, mom, dad, police, doctor, help, spider, book, baby, thank you

Latest game: not liking to put shirts on in the morning or diaper changing

Favorite time spent with Elle: walking her up to the square, grabbing a coffee, and letting her run around the fountain......rocking her at night thinking about life, missing my family and how lucky we are to have a healthy, beautiful, smart toddler even with tremendous grief.... and lastly, in the morning-we try to get 10 more minutes of sleep so we bring her in bed (only if it's after 6am) and she watches Disney's OSO and jumps all over us

I love her with all of my heart and I can only imagine how much my Parents would too........may they look down and see this beautiful, growing daughter of mine.....we miss you everyday and you are the reason we are here today and have become the people we are.

All my love,

Mommy

notes

It's the little things that brighten up a day....but meaningful things that warm your heart and even make you laugh a little too....

I've been having nightmares again and just very vivid dreams. They always impact my day. Always regarding my parents, my brother, guns, and they rotate my really close friends in and out of them. Today when I got the mail, in addition to the Holiday catalogs and bills, there were two cards written out to me that I was excited to open. First was a postcard from one of my best girlfriends, who clearly knows I am a tad stressed over this "dust"...her post card said on the front "I dreamt my whole house was clean" and she wrote inside (reminding me that there is a light at the end of THIS tunnel) that a beautiful kitchen is coming soon. Thanks friend....

And then I opened the second card, not recognizing the handwriting, and began to read such beautiful, thoughtful words. I had given my therapist a copy of my book the last time I saw her and she took the time to write me a quite lengthy note about how touching it was and how she wish she would have met my parents and how handsome of a couple they were and how she has gotten to know them through me and how very proud they ARE........she was so thankful I shared this with her. She has been a wonderful blessing to my life and at times maybe even the only person that fully understands what I am facing. She herself said she could never imagine something so horrific yet I have explained to her my inner most thoughts, fears, anger and sadness....and I think she gets it. She continues to tell me that I have down a remarkable job. Yes, yes, I know........but it doesn't take the sadness away? I'm just one of the lucky, tough ones.......but it doesn't make it any easier.

What two beautiful notes to cheer up my day and to make me feel important. Much love to two special ladies in my life....

Tomorrow is a big day for miss Elle. At 21 months old, she will get her very first haircut. While she doesn't have a ton of hair, it is simply growing out and covering up her eyes so I will take her to see my Maria that I have been going to for the last 4 years.....this should be interesting.

Much love,

Melissa

the great pumpkin

I am now seeing the true fun behind Halloween. And, a greater understanding why it was one of my Mom's most favorite times of the year. It's all about the kids but even adults can have fun too. My Mom always dressed up and even more so after we got older and she no longer had to walk us around the neighborhood for hours on end to get more candy......one of her more recent creative costumes she put together herself was the bride of Frankenstein. She wore an old red formal dress of mine with a massive wig and painted her face very creepy looking. It was quite outrageous but she was full of fun and got the biggest kick out of the costume and seeing people's reaction. Dad, on the other hand, went the easy route which consisted of a Hawaiian shirt (which was included in his daily wardrobe anyway), a Tigers hat and maybe a mask, and would call himself "magnum PI". One things for sure, they always had fun. Our childhood home was the hot spot for trick or treating...we were right on the corner which meant we always had to have the biggest pumpkin in the neighborhood, a creatively built spider on our tree made by my Mom and her friend, and plenty of friends and family stopping by to visit throughout the evening. My Cousins still miss Halloween at my Moms. They have been going over their since they were little. My nephew too. It was part of the tradition....so much has changed and for us because we live out of State, we generally have smaller more quaint gatherings with a few neighbors. Ted cooked up a pot of my Dad's kielbasa and sauerkraut, cupcakes were baked and we had a fridge filled with seasonal beers to enjoy on the porch with friends. Miss Elle had the most fun walking up and down the street to collect candy. She got the hang of it after the first house and it was too cute watching her grab the candy and place it in her bucket. We let her indulge because it was Halloween....folks, we have a chocolate lover on our hands. She finally came down from the sugar high and fell fast asleep around 8pm. She was exhausted. Let's hope we can keep the sweet tooth to Holidays and celebrations....I am sure all Parents say this. I am just pleased she still eats her broccoli and spinach.

Ted's parents were also down for a quick visit this weekend. They don't get down to Cincinnati much as they work full time and we are so busy to begin with but it was nice to have some family down to see our renovations, to play with Elle, to take us out to dinner like were kids again, and to have someone to go shopping with to pick out fun shoes for my daughter. Relationships with in-laws can be complicated and I have listened to people through the years complain, gripe, and ignore their in-laws. I just didn't get it. Ted and I loved watching, after we got married, our two families become close. Close enough to share several Thanksgivings together, birthdays, visits up to the lake, Christmas day dinner, and even the last Easter dinner we all shared together before my Parents were killed. We had a unique bond. But, take your immediate family away, all you knew as a child, having a new baby without your parents, and facing a horrific loss that you still can't make sense of, and you are bound to have pressures, struggles and sadness as you try to make your way back into a family that you have loved dearly for many years yet you miss your own family, traditions and love from them--so badly. It has been very heartbreaking and difficult.

I guess I have learned that while the deep sadness of the way they died and the constant wishing they were here to see "this", you learn to take deeper breathes, you bite your tongue a little more as no one will ever truly understand what we are facing, and you continue to surround yourself by the best people that you love and that have helped you throughout these tough times. It's hard not to gravitate to those who you feel most comfortable with and that you feel have been even a part of your healing process. I have learned so much throughout these last few years and you truly find your lifelong friendships and family who will always be there through the toughest days of your life when you suffer a life-altering event. You know who will be there and sadly, some relationships may fade...no one's fault of course. Some just don't know what to do or say and saying nothing results in hurt and anger for some. I act like I have this all figured out when I really don't....I learn something new each and every day and wish more then anything I never had to discuss the topics of tragedy and grief and the impact of losing your identity before your eyes. But one thing my Sister and I have been so blessed with is inner strength. I talked about it in the interview and this is what allows us to get out of bed each day to let the joy and fun and love into our lives to give our children, family and friends, all we have to offer. We do this well but not without tears along the way.............we miss our family. And I can already feel the sense of sadness as the Holidays approach....no matter how much you have to be thankful for (mainly a healthy, beautiful daughter and a supportive husband), nothing will ever replace the void. The meaning of Holidays will be forever changed for me but I look forward to watching them through the eyes of my child and thinking of the joy I know us kids brought to my Mom and Dad....especially around the Holidays. I wish they were here.

All of my love,
Melissa

my live interview to share A Healing Heart

My interview live on Fox 2 news went exactly as I had hoped and prayed about! Almost losing it several times, I kept my composure and talked about grieving, my relationship with my Parents and how inner strength allows me to get out of bed each and every day with such significant loss. I was pleased with the questions, loved the flow of the pictures (not all were played that I submitted and felt bad my Sister wasn't in them) and thought the reporter was so incredibly sweet and sensitive. The second we went off camera, tears rolled down her cheeks, and she just continued to say how sad this was. We were a normal family and even with my brother having some mental illness, he didn't cause any big troubles or drama in our lives. It was the ultimate shock. Although I never talked about it live or even in the book, but I continue to be saddened with all my Sister saw and went through and wish I could have been there with her. I wonder where I would be today if I did see all she saw? I honestly don't think I could have handled seeing my Mother, talking to the police and walking into my childhood home with everything as they left it before they were killed. These are the toughest moments imaginable.

Who knows what's next in store for A healing heart.....but one thing is for certain, my Parents memory will always be alive in the pages of the book and now I can leave this behind for my Family. My own legacy and story to share with my loved ones. Aydan will remember some and how much he misses Gamma and Papa but sadly, Elle will only know them through me, pictures and stories but she too will get a glimpse through the book on how special they were and the meaning of unconditional love. I will miss it for the rest of my life. And no one will ever replace that love or void. I hope others will read and maybe even just for a moment will understand the deep pain and sadness one may feel after such a tremendous loss of loved ones. And maybe they will live better lives because of it and will stop sweating the small stuff and complaining about things that are not life altering. But I know this is hard, we all get caught up in our own lives. I bite my tongue.......but I am not perfect just as I walked into my house full of dust today griping why on Earth did we ever start this project. I am so sick of eating out and Miss Elle misses her steamed spinach........

I thank my friends, family, and the Close family for watching the interview, supporting the book and being together for some fun Saturday evening.......their memory lives on through all of us.

Melissa

pictures from my weekend in Michigan

Ugh....I have to take down the picture Dad hung in my living room and the shelving he put up. I remember griping when he originally did them "They're too high", I complained yet I only trusted my Dad to hang up anything back then. It was his thing.....the two homes we have lived in....he always hung up the pictures, shelves, etc.....I miss having him around and while I am so excited that we are renovating our first floor and will have a big open kitchen and entertaining area, I am saddened I had to take down some of the things they helped us with. And it bums me out the most they won't be here to see it and to enjoy with us. Everything in the house reminds me of Mom and Dad. The Pottery Barn rug in my living room for instance, Mom and I picked it out at the outlets about 3 years ago....the thing weighed over 200 lbs and we somehow managed to get it in my car and we had a heck of a time putting it in the living room. My Dad didn't understand that rugs go under the furniture so we kept messing with it until we got it right. We frustrated him. I think that's about when him and ted left to make themselves a drink. It was so much fun having them around. They were more like friends at this stage in our lives and I could nag them. The best part.

My Grandpa O. has been gone for a year.....on Saturday, one year ago, he joined my Parents and his wife and most of his family up in Heaven. I wonder who greeted him. I could see my Mom, Dad and Gramma....all holding hands welcoming him.....and maybe wishing we were all up there. I miss my Grandfather. After my parents passed away, I still had him.....I would go over there when I was back in MI and sit with him, do puzzles, bring him food like I always used to do....my Father was raised in this home......it was peaceful for me to be with him. But I knew once my parents were gone, he would never be the same. And I was right.....his health and independence went South......once he was put into a hospital for 24 hour care, I knew he wouldn't last long. I will never forget when my Sister and I went to see him which was the last time I ever saw my Grandpa. He looked terrible. I hugged him and I was in shock. I couldn't believe the drastic change he went through. The tall, strong, man who greeted me for 29 years of my life at his front door, was dying. And another piece of childhood was lifted away and I felt even more alone.............He was ninety, it was time. But after losing so much, I was hanging on to anything left of my parents and I didn't want to see anyone else go.

I thought tonight as I often do about future milestones, birthdays, and holidays and just general good things happening to us in life and thinking will they ever be "great" again (for me)? For me, family completes all of those things. Friends, your only family (husband and children), your parents, grandparents, aunt and uncles are all important factors to your life and even more so as you get older. I miss that closeness I once I had and I will miss it for the rest of my life......

Getting anxious for the weekend to share my book with close friends and family and more nervous then anything to share my book LIVE on Fox 2 news Saturday morning at 8:45am. Please tune in to watch it if you live in MI. The only way I agreed to do it was that the focus of the segment was not the day my parents died and that it was around the book and the continued journey of healing. I know I can do this.....as I have said to my husband and friends, I've already been through the scariest most traumatic thing imaginable, I can certainly handle talking about the book and the heartache. I know my parents would be proud. They always were.

a sunny Fall weekend

A beautiful Fall weekend at home with visitors......it was a tad warm for early October however we enjoyed having 3 full days of Sun and warmth knowing that cold weather is just around the corner. Our friends, who are more family then friends really, came to visit us for the weekend with their daughter. It's strange now both having children........life has really flown by and you think of what your close friends and you have been through from College to your wedding to your first jobs and moving out of State.....then you think of things that you'd never in a million years do with a close friend...like pick out your Mother's dress that she would wear to her funeral..... Heartbreaking moments yet beautiful moments like sharing your daughter with your friends and continued memories during the Holidays and fun getaways on the weekends.......with having such a small family, we rely on our friends even more.....we hope they are a part of our lives until we grow old..........I watched my parents cherish their friendships and make them a priority.........I intend to do the same and I am so thankful my parents had good friends. People that cared about them and their family so much......they were lucky......and I know many of my parents friends were overwhelmed with sadness when they died......I will never forget at the viewing watching the hundreds and hundreds of people pile in to pay their respects to my parents.......it was overwhelming watching people's reactions......that was the hardest day of my life...........ugh..........Fall makes me miss my family even more-I know the Holidays are near.....and Mom and Dad always came down around Fall time.... and also missing all of my friends that live throughout the US....wishing I could share a nice Fall weekend with all of them too..........I miss you all.

Washington DC

A wonderful weekend with such fantastic friends and hosts. Incredible food, drinks, hanging out and sites throughout DC......I enjoyed walking around Molly and Brian's neighborhood the most in Alexandria, VA and also LOVED seeing the White house....Elle was such a great traveler and it was good to spend time and visit places with the three of us......While I continue to be saddened without my immediate family together, I am so thankful for the friendships we have and the places we continue to visit and add to the memory bank. I miss my Family so much and would have loved to share this fun visit we had with them...I would have had to get Mom a thimble and Dad a shot glass of course. Mom would have gotten a kick out of us visiting the white house and the world war II memorial. She loved this stuff.......I missed my parents badly on Sunday as we were traveling back from a great weekend. I missed my brother too. And my Grandfather, on October 16th, will have been gone for a year.... So much loss for our family and there are moments I feel overwhelmed with all of this....

And then I looked ahead and saw someone who has come into my life 6 months ago or so and has given me some hope and understanding for what I am dealing with. My therapist. She is so put together and lovely looking and when I called her name she ran over with such great excitement to actually meet my husband and daughter. She was in awe as she has heard so much about them. She continued to pat my shoulder and call me kiddo. And how much she looks forward to seeing me again soon and how it's always good to see me........she's awesome......and it allowed me to take a deep breathe as she often reminds me to do, recognize the sadness, feel it and acknowledge how badly this sucks....and then...keep going positively if I can. There will always be such waves of emotion with something this tragic and I so appreciate that she helps me understand this. It's not going away....but it's important that I don't get stuck as so many others would....and do......it's an every day fight. And I know in my heart I'll win but my life will never be the same.... I am still so lucky and grateful for so much in my life.......especially weekends such as this.

unconditional love

I miss the unconditional love the most. I have come to realize, no one loves you or your children and cares more then your own parents do. I probably have always known that yet it didn't quite dawn on me until my parents were gone and now that I have my own child. Of course friends and family LOVE you and adore your children.......but if your lucky like I was, there's nothing like a parents love. And most of us don't realize it until much later then life. We go through so many different stages as children. I loved the stage when I finally was able to be my Mom and Dad's friend somewhat. After college, after I was married.....I was 100% officially on my own....never again, "I need money!" Your relationship changes and it was great fun having fun with my parents and being more like friends. Elle will probably dislike me for many years but one day when she's all grown up, out of the house, working, married, etc....I will look forward to being her friend. If I'm as lucky as I was with my own Mom.....

I miss calling them and talking about nothing or everything......so many things are happening lately....stupid little things like saving a ton of money by refinancing or getting our quote done for our kitchen rehab....or heading to DC this weekend to see the white house, friends and other fun things.....I want to share my every day life with them. I think that's been one of my biggest struggles. They were so incorporated into my everyday life... more so my Mom.......but I miss having that one person that was always there and always listened. Yeah, it's lonely, and I have great friends and a Sister and other family to reach out too. But it's different. I've always had very close relationships with friends and family but there's certain things you just want to tell your Mom and Dad ya know? I know how proud they would be. They would also be annoyed though and I miss having them be annoyed with me. Our kitchen is great....it's already renovated but it's not very functional and we can't really entertain and have always wanted a big island to stand around with our friends. They would think it was stupid to spend the money. I'd do it anyway and then dad would come down and LOVE all of the extra counter space to do his prep work. Mom would finally have room to store all of her cheesecake stuff when she would visit as opposed to stuffing it one of our small cabinets. I think we're going to stay in this house for a while now so we are in "making it functional" mode....it's such a fabulous neighborhood and we love our neighbors across the street....we just weren't ready to say goodbye to Hyde Park yet. I look forward to sharing some of the changes in the coming months.

I hope they are looking down to see the things that are happening in life.....my heart aches to think if my Mom happened to look down last week and saw how sick my Sister was and how she was so overwhelmed and busy running Aydan everywhere (Soccer, Hockey and Swimming) and helping him with his homework and packing his lunch in addition to working 40 hours at the hospital caring for people.....I think my Mom would be so sad seeing this. I know she would want her to have more support and help. And I think of my Mom's Sister. I miss my Aunt so much. I know how sad this would make Mom. I know she'd look down at me at times, rocking Elle to sleep, as I wipe a tear from my cheek, and she too would cry with me! She was such a mush. She would be devastated and would want to be here. Yet, I hope, they are proud and that their pain is gone and they would be at peace and just want us to be happy......but I just don't know what to believe. Of course you want to believe that but when something like this happens you question ALL faith..........I just hope they are up there together having a great old time knowing they will one day see us all again. I can't wait.

Until then....living on (you will never hear me say moving on-It's such a hurtful thing and I don't think anyone could ever move on after something like this but I pray all of us can "live on", I really pray for that) in honor of my family who we miss SO much.

Thanks for being a shoulder to cry on this evening.

Praying for a baby that was still born last week. I balled my eyes out last week for a friend in the industry that I met here in Cincinnati. Annabelle was laid to rest this week and that sadness, while they were somewhat prepared if that's even possible, has got to be so overwhelming. I can't even relate but I relate to the numbness and deep pain, sadness and anger. Why us she is thinking? I hope she was given the gift of strength that I (think) I have but I also hope she allows herself to have those really weak moments because I sure do.... And Holidays will be so freakin hard. They always will be. Your heart will ache every day but you will smile again......life will be forever changed though. Surround yourself with only the best of people. They'll know the dates and times that will be really rough in your coming days, months and years.....I hope they are there for you always.

With love,

Melissa

cincy weekend

At last, a weekend that wasn't so hot. Wonderfully sunny and around 75 degrees..........fun with friends, a fabulous dinner party, shopping, farmers market, several walks, went for a run......pumpkin ale with friends.....a playdate with Elle's friends, caught up on yard work, etc....

Off to DC on Friday with the little family.......cannot wait. I love a busy life, it's the only way to do it.

Getting such sweet feedback from my book and I so appreciate it. I miss my parents more then anyone could ever understand- I am so thankful people are taking the time to read my love for them and can sense my hope for a less painful future....

With love,

Melissa

A healing heart by Melissa A. Close

I have faced and continue to face my fears........one of them being how I would tell my daughter and nephew this story one day? The darkness yet the journey of healing, the pain of not having my parents in my future life yet the joy and the strong relationship we had for so many years. How would I tell them how much joy my parents got watching Aydan grow and how much they would have loved Elle. I had to document this journey of healing that in my mind has only just begun.............I know this sadness will be a part of my life for the rest of my life but I wanted a vehicle to leave behind. To share today and into tomorrow. To be certain their memory never fades away. For my family and friends to understand this from my perspective, because we all heal differently. A daughter's perspective. A way to show my family and friends how much their support has meant to me but that there are and continue to be days of great loneliness. I want people to know how normal my family was and that this came out of nowhere. But I didn't want to talk too much about my brother, I wanted him to have his privacy. I want and aspire to keep my parents memory alive.....so I decided to write a book...............and self publish it. And I am proud to say, it is officially on amazon.com titled, A healing heart: a glimpse into the first year of a tragic loss. I dedicate this glimpse into my heart and journal entries I have complied to my parents life and to my beautiful daughter and my nephew, maybe now they will have a better understanding one day.

Thank you to all of my parents friends and family out there that continue to check in and read my blog, I think you will enjoy to see the documented version in the book. While heartbreaking to put this project together, something within was pushing me to do so. After having the initial thought and doing some pre-work, I went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant and after, opened up a fortune cookie. It read "you are a lover of words, someday you should write a book". Once they died, that was all I knew to do was to write.........whether it made sense to anybody else or not, it's the only thing that would allow me to sleep at night. I now have something to leave behind and share with others. I am determined to keep my parents memory alive and share with others that they are not alone and they too can get through anything life throws at them. I wouldn't say I am through this yet........I think I will continue to face challenges daily whether it is simply missing them or situations regarding my brother or overall heartache from not having my family unit together. But, I want people to know it is possible to still live with tremendous heartache. I was given such a tremendous gift of strength and I know even through some of the people impacted by my parent's death, that not every one has this skill. There are days I think I am the weakest of all and I am really down and think how awful this has all been but then they are days that I know how lucky I was to have them in my life even though it was much too short. They were so special to me and I pray their memory one day overcomes the tragic way they left the world.

Thank you for checking out the book on amazon and to my friends and family who will gather with us in October to see the book and to share in a little celebration......

lonely heart

Miss Elle's almost 20 MONTHS! (I continue to say she's 18 months when people ask......) She can now play the piano (OK, so she can hit some keys on this cute piano we have in our neighborhood) and she can hang from a bar in gymnastics class (OK, while the instructor holds her up) BUT she's still talented people! (totally kidding)..........she's at a really fun stage. I know we all say this, but this is my favorite stage. They say "love u" and hug you and eat (most of the time) and drink their milk and water BUT they throw tantrums (like today when I took her to the square and someone was playing on HER piano. That was not cool according to her. But I love that I can still rock her. I am so glad I never stopped as it's part of our routine. I read her a book or two, sing a little, pray, and rock her in my Mom's chair for a few minutes and down she goes.......

Not going to lie..........it was a lonely weekend though........I just miss everyone. Ted, my parents, my grandfather at the lake, my aunt-so much has changed, my Sister (she has SO much courage) and my friends (thanks to skype I caught up with two of them today).... My Sister was courageous today and had dinner with my brother. No glass separating them. They ate his favorite foods. I never asked her if she ended up making my Mom's cheesecake that he requested. I don't want to know. It's all too much to handle. Not many people if in her shoes could do this. I still cannot imagine, yet it causes me much discomfort.....I was enjoying my morning walk through our beautiful neighborhood, got my $4 coffee that I love from the farmers market, and chased Elle around the fountain barefoot.........but yet I was still lonely-thinking of everything--why MY brother and MY parents. I am so lucky to live in such a great place as I seriously get anxiety to think if I weren't in a neighborhood like this. I like my freedom and I love how I can walk anywhere.....I'm even venturing out and getting to know people at the end of our street, we've mainly stuck with our end of the the street (we love our neighbors across the street) but with walking Elle so much, I started stopping and chatting and there's so many kids on our street......I even found an interior decorator. Not that I need one or would hire one for my entire house, but I am looking for a few ideas once we open up our floor plan which is hoping to be our Fall project. I need projects. They keep me sane.......

And as much as I enjoyed my entire weekend spent with Elle and especially loved breakfast with her and Ted after her first gymnastics class, I'm oddly enough okay with going to work tomorrow. I like to be around people......BUT, I am hoping for speedy week as a great friend is getting married in Toledo this weekend and it is sure to be an event...........

I miss my loved ones.

With love,

Melissa

the new generation taking over Harrison, MI

Well, the weather was pretty yucky which was odd for Northern Michigan over Labor Day but I was really excited to have my friends up to the lake and to be honest, relieved to not be putting on a big party or dinner. It was one of my more relaxing weekends up there. Sure, I could have cleaned out closets and drawers but there's years to do that stuff......I wanted to sit down on the dock and enjoy one last Summer weekend sitting on a chair with a cold beer but the weather was unseasonably cold and sadly, rain came in. But, we still managed to see the sun shining against the lake Sunday morning, played several games of 31, ate brownie S'mores, and enjoyed watching Aydan, McKenna and Elle at my parents favorite place.

It still sucks. I think it always will. I would try not to think about it and enjoy the people I had up there but there were moments where I would just think how much fun they would be having if they were alive with our friends and kids up here.......it still makes me so sad...they should be here....what if I never fully enjoy this place again? This place wasn't "left behind" to us, it's so different, our family was ripped apart and we are left with it. But, they loved this place. It brought them such relaxation and joy. I wish I knew what they would want. I think they would be happy we are going up there and enjoying their place and sharing it with our loved ones and making new fun memories with friends.........

I got to see Grandpa. He looked great. He stopped by for a drink with Eve and some of her family that was up visiting. I know it's hard for them too and I so appreciate them coming over to see miss Elle. I love my Grandpa. Him and my Mom were so close and I know for a fact it would mean the world to her if we maintained our relationship. We have and we will.......he's the closest thing I have left to her and my Father adored him as well......such a unique relationship.......I know he misses them as much as I do. He knows just as much about the lake house as my parents did. He was called throughout the day over the years to come over and help my Dad "fix things". He chuckles about this now.

I do love northern Michigan. I wish I would have told my parents how much I appreciated it up there. Wish I would have brought my friends up there even more but I know the times that I did- they were on cloud 9. I love our home up there. It's cozy and the view of our little lake is peaceful and I love the that we are surrounded by huge tall trees that hug the stars on a clear night. It's a great spot for friends and family to enjoy.

I am once again thankful for the friendships we have and the good times we experience......thinking of you always,

Love,

Melissa

one last cruise around half moon lake

Heading to the lake for labor day.....................it's getting more fun with Elle as she can run now and play outside and I think she will begin to enjoy it even more up there.....watching Aydan kick a ball around, cruising around half moon lake on Dad's pontoon boat, and breathing that fresh air that I didn't truly appreciate until much later in life.......we are so lucky to have been calling Harrison, MI our second home since we were born. Always a place where my parents spent time with friends and their family. It makes it so hard to be up there without them because we know if they were alive how much they would love to be up there with our friends and their grandchildren. It would have made their weekend having us all together....they loved showing their kids and grandchild off...........we will miss them so much this weekend and I will remember that labor day 3 years ago that I spent with mom and dad.......who would have ever guessed just 3 years later, they would be gone and we would be bringing our children up there. It's really heartbreaking. We are so thankful our friends are coming up to join us for some fun as well, our friends are always invited and welcome to join in the fun. We may not have a ton of family to come up with us but we sure have wonderful friends to experience this weekend with while keeping the memories we have shared with my parents on half moon lake- in our hearts forever.

Looking forward to cooler nights, star filled skies, yummy food by the fire, seeing Grandpa, watching Aydan and Elle run around and spending time with our good friends-and their child and seeing a growing belly too!!! We wish you were there Mom and Dad and we know how much you would want to be here..........that's what really sucks. That place will never be the same and I can feel the void the entire time, I carry it with me throughout the weekend, trying to distract myself and not think about it too much because it can get the best of you.....it really can. This was their favorite place in the world.....and they were suppose to spend many more years with us..........

With love,
Melissa

an end to another Summer...

And just like that......Summer is almost coming to an end. This Summer went by quick but it was filled with nothing short of great memories with Elle, not enough time to see my nephew, and moments and times such as my birthday and our family vacation of great sadness and still anger that my parents continue to not be here for all of this, but I know this will continue into the next Season......

As I reflect on the Summer I think of all of the places I got to visit (Florida, Harrison-MI, Chicago and Hilton Head) and many memories that will get stored for a rainy day....such as Aydan's 7th birthday, Tom and Jess's wedding with family, seeing my girlfriend and meeting her son for the first time, a 4th of July spent with family at the lake on the dock, my girlfriend's baby shower and "girlfriend time", a weekend getaway in Chicago for a good friend, not being able to find a free weekend to celebrate our Summer birthdays with my Sister, and lastly a peaceful and beautiful week long vacation in Hilton Head with good friends and my Aunt & Uncle.........We continue to enjoy keeping busy, seeing new places and things and always making time for friends and family. Looking forward to seeing what Fall has in store........DC is on the list and looking forward to a special project being revealed and coming to life.......

This weekend we enjoyed a picnic with friends at our favorite local park and a night with our wonderful college pal after cheering on his soccer team to victory-OU vs Xavier!

Other than Miss Elle being covered in bug bites and watching the poor thing having discomfort, it was a pretty good weekend and while I always have such incredibly mixed feelings, I am so looking forward to a weekend up at the lake over Labor Day. Labor Day will always remain a special Holiday as it was the last time I was up-north with my parents.....

I can't wait to see friends, my Sister and Aydan, and enjoy a glass of wine on the dock and breath that fresh Harrison air....

Summer vacation

After a full week of vacation with our fantastic friends at my Aunt and Uncle's beautiful home in Hilton Head, I feel grateful to have spent the time with people I love dearly. My parents were right, Hilton Head is fabulous and it meant even more to me that we went there knowing how much my parents enjoyed several trips to the Island to visit my Aunt and Uncle........

My Aunt and Uncle's homes in both Atlanta and in Hilton Head were so beautiful and we feel so lucky to have them in our lives. They welcomed our dear friends into their home and the set up was perfect for the kids, we thank them for this. My girlfriend and I have agreed a house is the only way to vacation these days now that we have children. We rented a home in FL last year and I am beyond happy that we were able to pull off another summer vacation with them. It was an amazing time to see the kids all together and I look forward to spending more time with all of them and hope our annual vacation becomes a lifelong tradition.........they were such an amazing family to travel with... so thoughtful, generous, laid back and fun....it meant more then you will ever know that you spent the week with Ted, Elle and I and that you got to know my Aunt and Uncle even better. We love you all so very much........you continue to inspire me as a new Mom and person. Thanks for your continued support and friendship.

I could not possibly sum up the vacation in a few paragraphs but as we made our drive home today after stopping through Atlanta last night- I thought of some of my most favorite memories...

• Finally getting to see my Aunt's new homes in both Atlanta and Hilton Head- my eyes watered seeing pictures of dad, my grandparents, us as a family and reading the guest book that my parents signed exactly a year before they died. They had such a great time with family.....I really missed my parents this week....Nicky and I both signed right under my parents in the guestbook......
• Pizza night the first evening we arrived in Hilton Head; my Aunt, Uncle, Ted and I sat around their beautiful kitchen island (the runway) and caught up on life
• Staying up late..... drinking wine....talking......
• Walking along the harbor with the lighthouse in the background and for a moment, watching our daughters hold hands for a picture.....where has the time gone......I think back to roommates in Chicago and here were are...family vacations with our children
• Preparing the "welcome home party" for the boys who spent the day catching dinner...okay so it wasn't a party but we did have a tray of margaritas waiting to celebrate that we would be eating fresh fish for dinner
• loading up the car for a day at the beach several times....timing their naps, making sure they had lunch, getting all the sand off of them, swimming in the ocean.......taking deep breathes as I tried to take it all in that I was on vacation with my dear friends and family...
• Lunch at Salty dog cafe and enjoyed a yummy frozen drink with friends while trying to keep our kids busy so we could at least get a few bites of our food in~we then of course, picked up tees for us all
• Watching miss Elle try to eat a sandwich on the beach...it reminded me of my childhood at the lake. Mom always packed us sandwiches for the beach....
• waking up, drinking coffee, in my Aunt and Uncle's beautiful home......eating Nicky or Ted's yummy pancakes and planning what we would do for the day.....most likely, "beach day"
• Our last evening spent with Mark and Nicky and we had the awesome chance to celebrate their 5th year anniversary with them- Ted cooked us a great meal and we popped open a nice bottle of champagne and stayed up late laughing so hard we had tears.......
• Dinner with just my Aunt and I.......we laughed, started to cry, covered about every topic imaginable........we have had a rough two years as a family and the heartbreak continues but yet, we still cherish every moment spent and it brought me moments of peace as I sat there knowing how happy this would make my Mom and Dad.....here we are two and half years later......Mom and Dad and Grandpa are gone......and here my Aunt and I sit, in Hilton Head, enjoying dinner and some wine providing comfort for one another....

I continue to be incredibly blessed for all of the beautiful places I continue to see but most importantly I feel so lucky to have wonderful friends and my own family to share these memories with...........my parents are always with me...........and they have made me the person I am today. The pain remains but the joy is slowly coming back in......I have accepted, well sort of, that there will be really good and really bad days still........I know this....

i wonder what that was like

Oh here we go again I say to myself with a sigh.......my Sister is growing up. Ok, so she's had to grow up faster then most her age. She turns 27 tomorrow....

She's stronger then most and I couldn't have done half the things she has done over the past two years. I often think of what it would be like to be in her shoes. Yes, we are both my parent's daughters, but she's done the hard stuff and has experienced so much pain yet joy that I often cannot wrap my head around. My Mother was in the labor & delivery room when Aydan was born. Mom cut the cord. I wonder what that was like? Mom videotaped Aydan's 1st year of life and got to celebrate 4 birthdays with him. I wonder what that was like? An hour after picking her Son up from Mom and Dad's, she got the call that they were shot by our brother. I wonder what that was like? My Mom's little baby girl, had to walk into a hospital room, at the young age of 24, and see her Mother lying in a bed, lifeless, gone, in a tragic state and surrounded by police with the news of what happened to Dad too. I never, ever, want to know what this was like.....

My heart aches every single day thinking of what she has had to suffer. The worst images imaginable. The painful reality through her own eyes. Telling her child that Gama and Papa are gone.........if I thought of all of her sadness and pain, along with my own every single day, I don't think I could get out of bed.

My Sister will never have that joy of calling up Mom and Dad when she one day gets engaged. Won't have Dad to walk her down the aisle or parents to celebrate all of the milestones that comes with Grandchildren. But she has something more then anyone could ever know or imagine; strength and courage. And while I know she still has really sad days and days where she doesn't know what to do with my brother, and is overwhelmed with work, school, being a mom, and having little support-she somehow has this ability to look at the brighter things in life. She does such a better job at this then me. She's more caring and sensitive then me. She spends more time with patients then most Nurses would ever want to and would stop traffic to save a turtle if she could. My Sister, Christina, drives me absolutely nuts about so many things and I will continue to try and micro manage her life for as long as I possibly can, but I hope she knows how much she is loved. She will always be the baby of the family. We have and always will worry about her. I think everyone always worries about the baby and they're the biggest pain too.... ..She had such a closeness with Mom, and while her and Dad had their arguments through the tough years, Dad took her young pregnancy the best out of everyone. Dad made the phone call to me, not my Sister or Mom...my Dad called me to break the news.... He said to me, "we can get through this". Thanks Dad and thanks Mom for bringing her into this world.............we miss you every day.

Sisters.....definitely one of life's greatest gifts.

Happy Birthday, to my Sister. I will be hoping she doesn't read this. But I feel like I am sending her some happiness and strength even if she never does.....she will always know she is loved!

so many other ways

Another birthday celebrated without my family.....my Aunt sent me something today and while it sounded so lovely, I struggled to do it.....but it's gotten better as the day goes on.

Just for the day,
Merriment vs Melancholy
Enjoyment vs Endurance
Lighthearted vs Loads + Loads of Life
Inspiration vs Immersion in Stuff
Silly vs serious
Simple vs sensational
Awe vs analysis
Just for the day....celebrate with all of us who love you.

Any birthday, celebration or Holiday remains difficult. I don't jump out of bed anymore with glee that it's "my birthday". I look at it now, "ugh, another birthday without having my Mom to call me or another birthday without mom and dad to come down to celebrate, or even to receive a card from them". I just can't kick it and I don't think anyone else could either! I really don't. It's the strangest feeling to celebrate your birthday when the people who brought you into the world were tragically killed and you know so badly they would want to be here to celebrate. I think I must accept these celebrations will always be bittersweet. They're sweet because MY beautiful Mom gave birth to ME. I was her darling little girl, snobby teenager, track star turned independent married woman. They were proud and they would still be today. I know it... but none of this makes it easier. I want them here. A friend said something very true to me today though. She said she was amazed at the amount of fantastic friends that I have always been surrounded by. True, real, caring friends. I am lucky in so many other ways.

My husband has celebrated with me for the last week since I knew he would be gone on my actual birthday to LA. He baked me a cake from scratch, a fabulous dinner, then another "French inspired" meal last night, a cake made out of flowers was sent to my office, gift cards left in my lab top to surprise me (even though I have shopped several times AND got a speeding ticket that was suppose to be my birthday gift!). I am blessed in so many other ways.

I will celebrate today with my Elle, with a heavy heart, thinking of the people who brought me into the world, but also thinking of everyone (fantastic friends, family, co-workers) that continue to make my days a little brighter. I'm getting older and you never know when your last day will be. I pray I can one day find peace and acceptance and live life with little Elle and everyone around me to the fullest. It's difficult though and I look for strength to be sent to my family and I every day!

I had to post the picture of me opening up a card from my Mom and Dad on my very last birthday spent with them. What a fun day that was...we went to the water park and Mom and I floated on tubes on a lazy river with my cousin.......then, Ted, Dad, Mom and I met my friends out and we celebrated the night away in Cincinnati.

Happy birthday to me. I still have so many things to be thankful for in life.....I have more then most even though some days I feel like my entire world has crumbled. Motherhood has come so easy to me even while dealing with the hurt and sadness. Today, I am proud of ME.

early birthday dinner

We had special guests arrive on Friday afternoon, the newly married Uncle Tom and Aunt Jess....they made a quick stop as they headed back to MI from FL......we showed them around our little neighborhood....grabbed a coffee then took Elle by the fountain, then hit up my Dad's favorite place- our local little pub for a beer, then back to the house for some appetizers and wine. Once we put Elle to bed, Ted cooked us a special early birthday dinner for Jess and I and we finished the evening with his homemade cake and chocolate butter cream frosting from scratch. My Mom would be just be in awe. He bakes. And his stuff is good.

It was a nice night but much too quick. We see them very little with us all living out of state and we'll see them only for a few days over Christmas. It's a bummer being away from everyone but we definitely enjoy our time much more when we actually get the chance to see each other and we try to make it a special occasion. We have become stronger individuals by doing this on our own and have wonderful friends and a fun little life going here in Cincinnati but we miss our friends and family all of the time and we look forward to the next adventure with them.

We keep ourselves really busy....always something fun to look forward to. It's the only way I can still go on is be busy and be around people I enjoy. I'll be in Chicago this weekend for an entire weekend of girls, shopping, dinners, drinks, in one of my favourite cities that I have lived in. It will stink to be away from Miss Elle but I am thankful to be able to leave quite often for night or two and she does really well with Daddy and has done well with Ted's parents in the past so it makes it nice. And then the following weekend, the trip I have been waiting for all Summer since FL, is the adventure to Hilton Head. I finally get to see this beautiful place my Parents admired for several years as they would visit my Aunt and Uncle. The best of both worlds; friends AND family time. My girlfriend and I have been planning out dinners to make and talking about things we want to do. It will be a great way to end the Summer......

I miss my Mom and Dad every hour of every day . It's the hardest thing to explain when you miss someone so badly that you know or have to eventually accept, that you won't ever see them again, here on Earth. It's a miserable feeling yet we are so blessed in so many other aspects of our life....yet, it never seems enough. All of the good hasn't been enough these past two years. But we keep "living on" and taking all of the fun in while keeping the sadness and memories they left behind with us along the way....

Wow, August is here. So many birthdays this month and I will be the BIG 3-1 in just a few short days.....yikes...

Love,

Melissa