music to my heart

I received one of the most beautiful, thoughtful emails in my life today and especially since my parent's death throughout these past few years....and I have received A LOT of wonderfully comforting, sincere emails from so many friends and family throughout these times.

The words I read were things I have always wanted to hear-someone trying to relate what a beautiful experience such as having a child would be like without Parents to share in the joy and love. Especially having them die the way they did. It was comforting, sad and beautiful to read. Ted's cousin just gave birth to a beautiful, healthy boy and she has incredibly loving, supportive parents and fabulous in-laws. The perfect combo, just like I had. It felt comforting to hear someone say, ya know, it just wouldn't be the same without my own Parents. We love our in-laws, they're amazing, but they're not our parents and not our "mommy". "Someone understands" I thought to myself...not fully, of course, because she has her parents to share in the joy but the fact that she tried to relate to what I have been facing and that it has been bittersweet. While the words didn't take my pain away, I cried tears of thankfulness that someone was thinking of me-appreciating all they have through the birth of their child and into the future-and wishing I had the same. People have absolutely told me they admire my strength and courage but for someone to tell me they are even in more awe of me now, that they have experienced what it's like to have your own child and have your family surrounding you, how I have chosen to live my life despite this sadness and recognizing how tough this must continue to be. Thank you for thinking of me through these tough, beatiful, heartbreaking moments I have faced.

I know more children will come between my Sister and I and we will always have heavy hearts wishing my parents were here waiting in the delivery room antipcating the excitement of meeting their next Grandchild. We'll never have that. I am thankful my Sister did with Aydan. My Mom cut the cord and my Father walked in with a baseball glove and ball. Thank god they experienced a gift of a grandchild. While it was much too short, thank you god for allowing my Parents to have this before their life ended.

Empathy is an amazing trait to have and I hope now I can always relate and put myself in someone else's shoes even if for only a moment. Life is tough for some, others will complain through life trying to compete with the Jone's family focusing on material things, and some will live with great strength and have great love for others even though their life has been painful. I hope I can continue living a good life but I worry. I worry about the continued missing of my Family and facing the way they died and not having that closeness and how it will impact my future and my own Family's future. I worry a lot about one day facing my brother which is on next year's have to do. I know how lonely he is and I'm saddended he too will not enjoy his Holidays as we always remembered them to be. I wish I could do more for him. I will visit someday, brother.

I love you too, Beth. Thank you.