so many other ways

Another birthday celebrated without my family.....my Aunt sent me something today and while it sounded so lovely, I struggled to do it.....but it's gotten better as the day goes on.

Just for the day,
Merriment vs Melancholy
Enjoyment vs Endurance
Lighthearted vs Loads + Loads of Life
Inspiration vs Immersion in Stuff
Silly vs serious
Simple vs sensational
Awe vs analysis
Just for the day....celebrate with all of us who love you.

Any birthday, celebration or Holiday remains difficult. I don't jump out of bed anymore with glee that it's "my birthday". I look at it now, "ugh, another birthday without having my Mom to call me or another birthday without mom and dad to come down to celebrate, or even to receive a card from them". I just can't kick it and I don't think anyone else could either! I really don't. It's the strangest feeling to celebrate your birthday when the people who brought you into the world were tragically killed and you know so badly they would want to be here to celebrate. I think I must accept these celebrations will always be bittersweet. They're sweet because MY beautiful Mom gave birth to ME. I was her darling little girl, snobby teenager, track star turned independent married woman. They were proud and they would still be today. I know it... but none of this makes it easier. I want them here. A friend said something very true to me today though. She said she was amazed at the amount of fantastic friends that I have always been surrounded by. True, real, caring friends. I am lucky in so many other ways.

My husband has celebrated with me for the last week since I knew he would be gone on my actual birthday to LA. He baked me a cake from scratch, a fabulous dinner, then another "French inspired" meal last night, a cake made out of flowers was sent to my office, gift cards left in my lab top to surprise me (even though I have shopped several times AND got a speeding ticket that was suppose to be my birthday gift!). I am blessed in so many other ways.

I will celebrate today with my Elle, with a heavy heart, thinking of the people who brought me into the world, but also thinking of everyone (fantastic friends, family, co-workers) that continue to make my days a little brighter. I'm getting older and you never know when your last day will be. I pray I can one day find peace and acceptance and live life with little Elle and everyone around me to the fullest. It's difficult though and I look for strength to be sent to my family and I every day!

I had to post the picture of me opening up a card from my Mom and Dad on my very last birthday spent with them. What a fun day that was...we went to the water park and Mom and I floated on tubes on a lazy river with my cousin.......then, Ted, Dad, Mom and I met my friends out and we celebrated the night away in Cincinnati.

Happy birthday to me. I still have so many things to be thankful for in life.....I have more then most even though some days I feel like my entire world has crumbled. Motherhood has come so easy to me even while dealing with the hurt and sadness. Today, I am proud of ME.