unconditional love

I miss the unconditional love the most. I have come to realize, no one loves you or your children and cares more then your own parents do. I probably have always known that yet it didn't quite dawn on me until my parents were gone and now that I have my own child. Of course friends and family LOVE you and adore your children.......but if your lucky like I was, there's nothing like a parents love. And most of us don't realize it until much later then life. We go through so many different stages as children. I loved the stage when I finally was able to be my Mom and Dad's friend somewhat. After college, after I was married.....I was 100% officially on my own....never again, "I need money!" Your relationship changes and it was great fun having fun with my parents and being more like friends. Elle will probably dislike me for many years but one day when she's all grown up, out of the house, working, married, etc....I will look forward to being her friend. If I'm as lucky as I was with my own Mom.....

I miss calling them and talking about nothing or everything......so many things are happening lately....stupid little things like saving a ton of money by refinancing or getting our quote done for our kitchen rehab....or heading to DC this weekend to see the white house, friends and other fun things.....I want to share my every day life with them. I think that's been one of my biggest struggles. They were so incorporated into my everyday life... more so my Mom.......but I miss having that one person that was always there and always listened. Yeah, it's lonely, and I have great friends and a Sister and other family to reach out too. But it's different. I've always had very close relationships with friends and family but there's certain things you just want to tell your Mom and Dad ya know? I know how proud they would be. They would also be annoyed though and I miss having them be annoyed with me. Our kitchen is great....it's already renovated but it's not very functional and we can't really entertain and have always wanted a big island to stand around with our friends. They would think it was stupid to spend the money. I'd do it anyway and then dad would come down and LOVE all of the extra counter space to do his prep work. Mom would finally have room to store all of her cheesecake stuff when she would visit as opposed to stuffing it one of our small cabinets. I think we're going to stay in this house for a while now so we are in "making it functional" mode....it's such a fabulous neighborhood and we love our neighbors across the street....we just weren't ready to say goodbye to Hyde Park yet. I look forward to sharing some of the changes in the coming months.

I hope they are looking down to see the things that are happening in life.....my heart aches to think if my Mom happened to look down last week and saw how sick my Sister was and how she was so overwhelmed and busy running Aydan everywhere (Soccer, Hockey and Swimming) and helping him with his homework and packing his lunch in addition to working 40 hours at the hospital caring for people.....I think my Mom would be so sad seeing this. I know she would want her to have more support and help. And I think of my Mom's Sister. I miss my Aunt so much. I know how sad this would make Mom. I know she'd look down at me at times, rocking Elle to sleep, as I wipe a tear from my cheek, and she too would cry with me! She was such a mush. She would be devastated and would want to be here. Yet, I hope, they are proud and that their pain is gone and they would be at peace and just want us to be happy......but I just don't know what to believe. Of course you want to believe that but when something like this happens you question ALL faith..........I just hope they are up there together having a great old time knowing they will one day see us all again. I can't wait.

Until then....living on (you will never hear me say moving on-It's such a hurtful thing and I don't think anyone could ever move on after something like this but I pray all of us can "live on", I really pray for that) in honor of my family who we miss SO much.

Thanks for being a shoulder to cry on this evening.

Praying for a baby that was still born last week. I balled my eyes out last week for a friend in the industry that I met here in Cincinnati. Annabelle was laid to rest this week and that sadness, while they were somewhat prepared if that's even possible, has got to be so overwhelming. I can't even relate but I relate to the numbness and deep pain, sadness and anger. Why us she is thinking? I hope she was given the gift of strength that I (think) I have but I also hope she allows herself to have those really weak moments because I sure do.... And Holidays will be so freakin hard. They always will be. Your heart will ache every day but you will smile again......life will be forever changed though. Surround yourself with only the best of people. They'll know the dates and times that will be really rough in your coming days, months and years.....I hope they are there for you always.

With love,

Melissa