last thoughts

I wondered today what my Mom and Dad's last thoughts were before they took their last breath. Thankfully my Dad probably didn't have any since there was no time, but I do hope he had glimpses of his short, yet wonderful 51 years with his friends, family and 3 children and wasn't able to focus on one of his own children, who he cared for all of his life, was the one who ended it all.

Mom on the other hand had over an hour to think. I know my Mom well and it was a sad hour. I think she was probably thinking how will my girls go on? They're so young, Christina needs my help with Aydan and Melissa-she is so independent yet more of a Mommy's girl than a 5 year old. Who will she call 5 times a day? Who will she cry and laugh too? Oh my god and who will walk Christina down the aisle? Who will take care of my Dad and Jerome's Dad? Who will take Brandy? Will our family keep in touch with my girls-will they have no one?

My Mom was such a loving and caring individual and she cried over everything, so I know for a fact if there could be tears where she is at, she would cry right with us.

Although, I think all of those thoughts went through my Mom's mind as she began to die, I actually hope they didn't. I hope there were no worries about Christina and I because if she did have time to think about us and Aydan and her family, that would have been worst torture then what she had just experienced. The worst thought for me would be knowing they knew their own Son who lived with them for 26 years did this. Mom was Justin's best friend. It has to be a mistake she would think to herself.

What happened is so unbearable you find yourself replaying it over and over and over and picturing how you yourself would handle this if you left your children behind parent-less. Even on happy days when everything else is actually going quite perfectly. A dark cloud comes over and reminds you of what has happened this year and that you cannot pick up the phone to call your Mom, Dad or Brother because they are gone.........two have went to somewhere wonderful and peaceful I pray and one is basically living in "hell on earth" right now... if there is such a place.

If you can worry where ever you are, I hope you don't about Christina and I. I know we will be "okay", never perfect or as happy as we could have been, but we will somehow manage to move forward, missing you every step of the way on our journey, our new life... without you in it, saying "wish you were here" for every major milestone to come and actually, any regular day. But you'll always be incorporated into our lives and I can tell you one thing that's for certain, my daughter will know exactly who the two of you are and they will know who Justin is too, even if it's just through family videos, pictures and stories.

Sure the story at the end will sadden her and make her question everything, but the story I tell her about the 28 years that I did have with you both, will make her smile and say, "now it all makes sense... why you're the Mom you are". (I sure hope....)

Love always,

your daughter