me-courageous?

One of my best friends called me courageous through a letter she wrote to me and that thought has been on my mind ever since reading it. I certainly never thought of myself as courageous but when I do sit back and think of what I have lost and experienced and are still going through, the fact that I have not lost it (yet), is pretty courageous I suppose. But there are days when I feel so angry, jealous, and alone that I feel the furthest thing from courageous. There is not a moment that goes by that I don't play in my head what happened on April 7th or the fact that my brother is still not placed or sentenced and that being the executor of their estate- I still have so much to do. And I often forget I am doing all of this, while being pregnant. I definitely think God, or great genes from Mom gave me a great pregnancy so I could handle everything that still is coming my way.

How else would I handle this? No one knows how they would handle this situation if it occurred in their family. No one in their right mind would ever prepare themselves for such a thing, I certainly never would have imagined this- in a million years.
I am proud of how my Sister and I and other family members are handling this. Tragedies often have a very negative impact on the individuals effected, they turn to drinking, drugs, and often go into a deep depression. Trust me, I fight the depression every day because you can talk yourself into one, but I'm doing my very best to stay out of that dark hole. I stay out of that hole for my parents, my Sister, my Aydan, my husband, my Gracie, my friends and family and my little girl to be. I also am blessed my work ethic has not been effected. (sure I have my days when I question why people are complaining about something so small compared to the bigger life issues and I'm guilty of this too) but they have been amazing and that is what has gotten me to the point that when I wake up, I actually really look forward to going to work. I couldn't have handled this as best as I have without a supportive group of co-workers. I think that is why I felt so comfortable going back to work so soon after everything happened. I needed to go back because I would have been of no help to my Sister with Mom and Dad's house. I couldn't have done it.

So while I would never think of myself as courageous, I guess when I really think of how I'm doing despite the sadness and constant missing my parents, I am proud of myself and I am proud of my family. We sure are hanging in there aren't we?

I know you are keeping us strong Mom and Dad. We need it, especially during the Holiday Season when every one's spirits are up and gathering with their families and we feel like the only people in the world wanting them to end...