my brother

I limit how much I talk about Justin on my blog for legal and privacy reasons, but it's hard to not write about it because it's on my mind constantly. Especially now with the trial approaching.

I want him safe but placed somewhere for a very long time-life is such a strong word and a hard one for me to write. There are no guarantees. He was not in his right mind and doctors may feel they can rehabilitate him. My Parents were his caretakers and the two people that loved him the most, and they are now gone. I worry about what will happen, where he will go should he get out in 2, 5, 25, 30 years. My family has suffered enough and you would think that part of the equation would just be taken care of but I have a feeling, my Sister and I will be dealing with this for the rest of our lives.

It's tough because everyone has their own opinions about the situation and what would best for our safety. But I know for a fact my Sister and I don't have the heart to cut all ties where ever he is placed, so there are just so many unknowns. If he did this in his right mind, it would be a lot easier to say good-bye. No one knows what it's like when you're dealing with your own flesh and blood being responsible for the death of your parents. It's an indescribable feeling... it brings you to tears when you look at photos when this child was first born as Mom held him. The happiness he brought. Him and I riding a bike together. Justin on Dad's shoulders at a ball game. Justin and his many football and baseball team photos. Reading through his middle school report cards, "a shy but very bright student" his one teacher commented. And then pictures from last Christmas. Everything was fine. I even had him try a few sips of a Mimosa at Christmas Eve brunch. Justin didn't drink. Of course, like every teenager, he went through a phase and that was that.

Unfortunately, this case has brought me to one single opinion....I hate medications-they scare me now and I believe, the cause of this tragedy was too many, too little or not the right amount of whatever medications he was on or getting off of. My parents weren't experts, either was I. I would give them advice when I would call but what right did I have? I had no idea the risks, side effects and mind games that come along with these scary drugs.

I want my Sister and I to be able to live our lives, but I cannot pretend my brother does not exist and that the State will just care for him for life. It's not that easy and not at all true or a sure thing. We love my brother and I feel like my Mom and Dad are saying to me, "keep him safe" but I know many others are hearing Mom and Dad say "keep him away". Money plays into this too. For him to be cared for in a medical facility for life is very expensive to a State so if they can rehabilitate him and have him released, why wouldn't that be their goal?

It's too much to think about right now. Let's get through Christmas, let's get through the trial, let me have a healthy baby in the middle of this, then let's worry about the future.

One day at a time is how we need to approach this.....but it's easier said then done.

I am thankful for the continued prayers for my Family, my brother included.