I miss them

I feel badly for how I used to judge depression. When I would talk to my Mom about it if she was talking about a friend or family member who was suffering from it, I would be really insensitive. "why don't they try working out, or a new hobby before turning to meds?" How can they be so sad and depressed?

I wouldn't say I'm suffering from depression, but if there were a disease for missing two people so much, I clearly would be diagnosed. I've missed people before and I miss people now; friends and family when we lived further than 4 hours away and still miss my family and friends no matter what the distance is, Ted if he is traveling over a few days, Gracie girl-when Ted and I go on vacation and leave her with his parents but never have missed anyone this badly-due to a death. And missing someone that is gone is really difficult because you feel there is no end in sight. They aren't coming home, you don't get to see them when they get back from vacation and you certainly don't get to talk to them again, at least in this current lifetime.

Parents come up constantly, especially when you're pregnant. At the Christmas party we attended last night, we met a couple's parents that we've gotten to know through our neighbors. The parents were really sweet and asking so many questions about the upcoming arrival but of course, asking me how excited are my parents? And what are my plans for the Holidays? Where do my parents live? Where do Ted's parents live? You basically have to lie or try your best to change the subject. You certainly cannot belt out in the middle of the Christmas party, "my parents were killed in April by my brother so I know longer have parents". That would have went over well. Great conversation starter or end-er I should I say.
I'm just so sad, jealous, angry that "my moments and memories" are done with my parents. Everything from April on of this year excludes them. I'm still so young and my Sister is even younger. My Mom's Mom died in her very early 50's as well, in April too, but like I said my Mom had us all quite early so all of us kids spent many years with Grandma. Many Christmases, many sleepovers, many memories. Her Mom at least got to meet all of us and know us very well. Same with my Dad's Mom, we got to spend many years with her as we were younger.

I just miss them, I could yell it so loud...type it 1,000 times, cry my little eyes out, tell everyone I know........but it doesn't change a thing.

Ted never got to meet his Dad's Dad and didn't spend a ton of time with his Mom's parents so I know he was so excited that we would one day have two sets of Grandparents who knew what it meant to be a grandparent and were close enough in distance to be a huge part of their lives. They were young and weren't going anywhere anytime soon. No MS, or Diabetes, or Cancer or old age, we would have two sets of amazing grandparents for our kids one day. We never in a million years thought my young, loving parents who were just mastering the grandparent skills-just being themselves, would be gone when it was time for me to be pregnant with our first.

To not be able to share your beautiful child with your parents, who you loved so much and were so close with, is about one of the worst scenarios I can think of. I know I cannot wait to meet this little girl, but I can just hear my Mom's excitement when I close my eyes as I near my due date, and can also hear Dad yelling in the background, "I hope she gives you as much shit as you gave us!...but...we loved you anyway Melissa whiner". It hurts, it stabs you in the heart, but... you think of the good- the wonderful family and friends you still have and have always had- but will I set my expectations too high? Will I always compare? What it could have been like, what it should have been like? I sure hope not.....as that is not fair to anyone.....