I am just coming off one of those weekend that you never want to end. Erich and Carolyn, our friends who currently are living in Paris, arrived on Wednesday.....and the fun didn't end until about 1am last night. We had two relaxing days Thursday and Friday...after work- we drank wine, had a BBQ, got pedicures and manicures, shopped, had a nice lunch outside, went for a run through our neighborhood, took Elle on walks and grabbed coffee, and just talked. It was awesome to have the time with them before the official wedding festivities kicked off on Friday. It was quite the extravagant weekend filled with the bachelor and bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner and then of course the grand finale- the wedding of our friends Todd and Sarah. We decided to make it a mini vacation and stay downtown at the hotel with our friends since my in-laws were in town to help with Elle.
It flew by quick but I am thankful for the good times we had; Todd and Erich have such a great group of friends from their days at Tufts in Boston and Ted and I formed friendships this weekend and we reconnected after not seeing many of these people since Erich and Carolyn's wedding in Boston a few years ago.
I can't tell you how nice it was to spend time with Carolyn. She's a great friend and someone who listens and makes every effort to understand. I feel a little like I overloaded everything on her while here but she gives such great advice and would agree I continue to be in a challenging situation. I admitted I continue to struggle. While I was so thrilled to have Ted's parents down here to help us with Elle, I continue to find it so difficult. I am heartbroken and want my parents here too. When nothing is said, I shut down. I can't be myself. I will not be the same person I was 2 years ago. I hope people one day understand. I'd do anything for all of this to not have happened. It's amazing to me the impact it has on my every day life even when I am having the most wonderful weekend.....it's always, always, there.
Moments at the strangest time will hit me, almost like an anxiety attack or a quick wave of depression...thoughts will enter my mind of the painful death and loss of my parents and how none of these events, such as a wedding, will my Sister ever experience the same way that I did.
I look around me and see families so proud of their children as they marry and the closeness of them and then I watched the Mother/Son dance and couldn't help but think of my Mother and my own brother. I can't help but feel sad that my parents are gone. It kills me.
I appreciated my friends honesty this weekend and sharing with me how it must be hard knowing that my parents are and will be in mind throughout every decision, experience, milestone of my life. They are always on my mind. But I will say, they continue to help me carry on and live the social life that they did. I laughed and smiled this weekend longer that I have in a while. I am grateful for the people in my life who take the time to listen- try and understand and who offer support and comfort. I hope I can continue to return the friendships....this has been the craziest journey of life that I ever imagined I would ever be on. I continue to crave the presence of my parents in my life and the unconditional love and support that they left behind. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do anymore.....but weekends such as this and coming home to a beautiful smiling daughter, continue to push me along with this aching heart...
All of my love.
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