letter

no. no. no. no. no..........I have dreaded this day (ever since my brother wrote me a letter from jail a few months after everything happened)- the day he would write me another one. I send him cards trying to be as positive as possible but that's all I have done in the last two years. He tells my Sister what he needs and she communicates through me. I don't even want to know what this letter might say as I know it will be heartbreaking. My Sister said my brother misses family and is very lonely and wants to know why I won't communicate with him or for that matter, anyone else in the family. I just can't imagine hearing his voice or seeing his face. It kills me knowing he is doing better and communicating- it actually makes all of this even more sad. He knows how sick he was and he misses my parents just as much as my Sister and I do. I know he feels like he is trapped, all alone, in a hospital but what I don't think he understands is that my Sister and I feel the same exact way although we are free and we don't carry the burden of being the cause of their death. 

I can't imagine what that might be like but my guess he too tries to block that day out and knows it just wasn't possibly him. I have no idea when it comes to this- what the heck I should do. I feel guilty, sad, angry that I don't see or talk to him but I can't do it right now but I also can't stand the fact that he has no one either. I can't win in this situation. No one will else will talk to my brother. My Sister and I are alone on this one too......my Mom would know how to handle this. I am so torn and feel terrible about it either way. What are we suppose to tell him? 

This weekend I just felt like I was being kicked while already down ya know? I just don't see how "this" can get any easier. Yes, I am "living on"......this tragedy has caused so much heartache and unfortunately some real sadness in some of our family members lives that has changed their lives negatively. For me, I can keep on going and still have fun and enjoy parts of life but all of these thoughts and envy for a normal life goes in and out of my head constantly. The wish just to call my Mom to tell her how much we need her. I miss my Mom and Dad so much. My brother too. Well hell, mine as well mention Grandpa too. I miss my FAMILY and having a place to call home.....

Ted put on a fabulous dinner party for 8 on Saturday. Once I finally got miss Elle down (after a long hour- missed the appetizer course), we opened several bottles of wine, enjoyed Ted's shrimp pasta and other yummy courses that our friends made. It was such a good time sharing a good meal in my dining room with our core group of friends that we have met since being in Cincinnati. We have been so blessed with meeting such fantastic people who we can call our true friends and even though we all have kids, we still make time for adult fun. And then even though we were quite sleepy this morning....we walked up to the square bright and early to get in line at the local market for the fresh bread. As we walked back and headed to our home I was thinking how days like this are exactly why I live where I live and how much I have enjoyed our location. If we do decide to move in the future- I will have such a hard time leaving this area...we'll see. But until then, I will enjoy our Sunday walks to the market all Summer long and will be looking for those few and rare moments of peace...