bittersweet

Mother's day was bittersweet. My Mother is gone and I didn't have my Mom to call to wish a happy mother's day to, I had to visit her grave site to remember her beautiful smiling face......I hate this is the way it is and nothing can or will ever change this outcome and great sadness some of us continue to feel. It's the reality that they're never coming back and that we can't see or touch them. It's an indescribable thought when you really start to think how they are really gone.

I had slight anxiety all weekend about going to the cemetery. My Aunt experienced the same thing. But we all met on Mother's day and hugged, cried and smiled and wished my Mom a Happy Mother's day. My Aunt, Ted's Mom and my best friend came along who also brought her daughter. I want Elle to know this is a part of our life now, we remember those we lost tragically and this is a way we honor their lives on special days. It's heartbreaking to think that she won't ever really understand. She won't know them other then seeing pictures and hearing my stories. What if she won't care and what if she won't want to go to the grave site with me. I have those fears. I didn't go with my Mom...she took Aydan. My Parents would give anything to be here today to see Elle, to spend time with us at the lake, to spend a week in Cincinnati with us, to take a family vacation or two with us and they're gone and it's lonely and you find yourself angry. No one can ever replace your own parents. I miss being able to be myself and say anything I wanted and asking for help when I needed it. I miss them SO very much and I miss them even more when Elle hugs me tightly because I know how proud Mom would be and how her heart would just melt at the sight of her. Elle is very sensitive to other's feelings....she pat kids heads at daycare when they're crying....I myself was crying loudly in the car yesterday and she just stared looking concerned for me- ha...it was after being pulled over for speeding and the jerk didn't even give me a break with it being Mother's day and all. I even had the baby in back with flowers sitting in the front seat....UGH, the nerve.

I continue to think milestones and holidays will be bittersweet. I think I will always, always wish I had my Mom and Dad here to witness this and to have them in my life to call, come down, and to be involved with our life. This is all so much different then normal loss of life because they should absolutely still be here and that's the hardest part to accept. One day they were here- happy and young and the next they are out of your life, gone forever. It's a lot to accept and hard to think of the future without them...........

On a positive note, Ted and I are celebrating 7 years of marriage today. I have said it time and time again....life is flying before my eyes. To think it was 7 years ago that my Dad walked me down the aisle, 7 years ago that my Mom had her hair done just as I recommended and it made her look SO young and beautiful............what a party.................I thank my parents and grandparents for instilling in me that we stick together until the end. While they tragically died together, my Parents, married for 30 years stuck it out through thick and thin, through sickness and health and all of the above. The only positive in this entire ending is that they never had to live on without one another. I worry about that and what Ted or I would do one day. I can't imagine the immense loneliness......it's already such a lonely feeling without your parents and then to face life alone after your husband or wife has passed must be challenging as well. But I pray life will be good to me from this day forward and that my family experiences natural loss and pain that is expected.....please never unexpected again. It's the worst kind of pain imaginable.

Happy 7 years..........we've been in Chicago, Boston and now Cincinnati, traveled to so many beautiful places, enjoyed our family and friends along the way with heavy sadness that changed our lives but we continue to stick together while learning along the way.

Melissa