I had the most vivid dream last night. We were at this bar/restaurant and all my parents friends were there and I saw her. I saw my Mom. She was at a distance and as I started walking toward her, even in my dream, I could feel myself think how she would start to fade away as I knew she really wasn't alive.... but as I got closer and closer it was her. In my dream I seriously felt my stomach have the biggest butterflies when I could finally touch her and give her the biggest longest hug. I was screaming and crying and she was just sitting there wondering what all the fuss was about. And that was it......I woke up and she was gone....she will always be gone......I know my Sister now more then ever needs my Mom and I get so angry. Aydan needs my Mom and Dad -he had his last hockey game of this Season this weekend- I want him to have Grandparents in the stands cheering him on- how will we get through the future milestones? I need them too. My Aunt needs my Mom more then ever right now as well. Praying for that rain cloud to be lifted from some family members in my life any day now.....
This weekend was a great one- drinks with friends Friday night, Elle and I got our alterations done on our dresses for the upcoming wedding (my eyes almost watered as I watched her just stand there so still- she was precious), Elle had a dinner date with her little friend Trey and I had one of the most perfect days in a long time today.......(after, of course, I realized that seeing my Mom was only in my dream)....It started out with Elle waking up at her usual time 6:30 am; Ted grabs a bowl of cheerios and her milk, turns on some cartoons and she sits in bed with us for about 15-20 minutes. We then went downstairs and Ted made banana pancakes and then got ready for one of my favorite Sunday activities; the market in our square of course. I love walking up there.... getting my coffee, standing in the line for bread, buying a croissant and sharing half of it with Elle as she waves to all of the people......and while I often feel guilty about it (my Mom wouldn't have spent the money on this), my house was being cleaned as we came back to the house....so we spent about an hour with Miss Elle outside in a kiddy pool and put her in a bathing suit for the very first time. I think she is going to absolutely love the beach on our upcoming vacations to Florida and Hilton Head.
And after such a great morning my girlfriend and I went to a fantastic pilates class. I've been a runner most of my life but ever since my parents passing and with having Elle, I have let it slip by me until recently and I have to say it felt great to attend a class and to focus on my core strength. I am positive I can gain it back and be in shape again one day but for no other reason then to just be healthy and to reduce stress and some of the sadness in my life. It's got to help I assume....
Weekends like this are great.... we're back home, we get to enjoy our friends here in Cincinnati.....the weather was beautiful....Ted got yard work done outside....our house is finally feeling a little cleaner and more organized (just don't open up our closets visitors) but at the same time there was stress. I'm not going to go into it but I feel terrible for the lack of support my Sister has around her. I don't know what to do anymore. I couldn't raise Elle alone either. She's so young. She deserves a Mom and a Dad, Grandparents around, great friends, a husband, neighbors.....ugh, I wish I could do more to help. And then my brother wants to know when I will talk to him. I just can't yet. There is too much sadness that I think it will make the healing process even worse and set me back even further..........this weekend was great but there will always be moments of, "take a deep breathe".......and then I had to open up my wedding scrapbook......they looked so happy and when I really stare at their faces I still find myself in awe that they're really gone. I know it but yet when you look at pictures, the sadness is overwhelming at times because you sit there and think how they are really gone and that they are missing all of these adventures.....and then you picture their voices and laughter and it kills ya.
Miss you Mommy and Dad. Elle is just getting cuter by the day......I know how much you would enjoy watching her grow....I know how much you loved watching Aydan, especially that first year of his life...I think you videotaped his every move.......that will be special to show him one day.
All my love,
Melissa
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