checklist

1. Car seat inspected by the fire department- check
2. Baby bag packed with clothes, diapers and everything else she could possibly need- check
3. My fancy car seat has arrived that I have been patiently waiting for- check
4. My house is clean- check
5. The carpet and Gracie's chair has been steam cleaned- check
6. My hospital bag is packed and ready to go-check
7. Ted's hospital bag is packed and also...ready to go- check
8. Ted's parents and my Sister have the hospital address in their garmin- check
9. Notes are prepared for any guests that stay at our house while I'm in the hospital (Gracie's eating schedule, house rules (ha!), local food options and the address to the Grocery store (since Dad won't be here to go...) -check
10. Guest bedroom ready, towels washed, extra blankets up-stairs (Christina-bring your space heater as the 3rd level is cold and I know how you are!)-check
11. Nursery and bassinet are ready-check
12. Camera by the door, battery charged-check

So little EPC..........we're ready. So we think we're ready..... Do you understand how excited we all are to meet you? I am wondering what you will look like and who you will resemble. I had dreams you look like my Mom, brown hair and blue eyes-that would be so nice. But I'll take anything, as long as you're healthy and happy. I'm sad my Mom won't be there, she was the greatest E. She was young, and so pretty and silly....my Dad would have walked in with a pair of tap shoes, or better yet a pair of track cleats, he loved attending my track meets for 8 years during middle and high school. Don't worry, there will be sooo many wonderful people there to greet you into the World and throughout the 1st year of your life, you will get to meet all our wonderful friends and family that mean the world to us and are going to love you as they have loved and supported us throughout our marriage. Beware, my Sister Christina-your Aunt, is bound to spoil you rotten and she shouldn't as she needs to save her money, and she will be obsessed with you. Just wait. That is her nature. I guess she gets a little of this from me as I adore my Aydan, your cousin.
Enjoy your last few days or perhaps longer being all warm, safe and cuddly........but we all promise to keep you that way when you enter the World!
All of our love from above and here on Earth, you have been our faith for the past 9 months and my hope for a happy and loving future.

Your "Mommy" to be

"The bunny dance"

I guess you knew I would some day need a laugh Mom....

About 5 years ago, if not longer, my Mom created "the bunny dance". It all started in the kitchen up at the Lake in Harrison, MI. My friends Ali, Melissa, Nick and husband Ted were all there over 4th of July. We kept begging her to do it again.  She continued for many years and even when dressed quite classy like in the above picture, I could get her to do it.  In this picture, my Aunt Kim and I kept begging....she would do it and we would just die laughing....

"Pleaseeeee one more time!" we would yell.  

I said during the eulogy at their funeral that my Father was the funniest Man I've ever known. He was a pro at one liners. However, when I think of my Mom and the laughs we had and how goofy she was, I would say Mom was one of the funniest ladies I will ever know. And she was  always, always having a fun time even though her life was busy and stressful at times with Justin, Aydan, Grandpa and life in general.  I so miss that. Many people as they age, grow up and get stuck in their ways.......that wouldn't have happened to them. They were about as go with the flow type of people as you'd ever imagine.  I hope I can be that way throughout the rest of my life.  People want to surround themselves with people like that and I guess that's why they were loved by so many...

Thanks for always putting a smile on my face and for leaving me this little note and picture in a scrapbook one day...for me to find......

Love you, 

Your daughter 

You'll be there...

As I get closer and closer to labor time, I cannot help but think how sad it will be to experience the birth of our first child without you there. The thought had never crossed my mind since starting to think about children after Ted and I got married. Of course you would both be there. Of course you'd drive to wherever we happened to be living at the time for the birth of your second grandchild. Of course both of you would stay for a week or so and come back often and frequently to spend time with us and the baby. Of course you would make it to all of her birthdays and probably her wedding one day.

I'm most sad to not have you to call on the way to the hospital to announce to you and Dad that my water has broke. I'm most sad I won't get to see your smiling faces as you enter the hospital room to meet our new daughter...seeing the expression on your face when you meet your first granddaughter. It's devastating.

It's not the help you would have provided that I will miss, it's simply you being here to be a part of all of this.



But I pray, that you'll be there guiding me through the struggles and pain of labor and will get a glimpse of the little princess as she enters the world. I'm just so sad for you both to not be able to hold her. It's really not fair.



One of my most favorite pictures is this photo of Dad -most of you have seen. Dad came to the hospital to meet his first grandchild, baseball and glove in hand. I thank God you and Dad got to experience this with Christina.



I've felt lonely at times throughout this pregnancy even though I have a wonderful/experienced Sister, Mother-in-law and the best supportive girlfriends and a great Husband, but I guess I always imagined having my Mom while I was pregnant and running everything by her. But to be honest, I haven't had anything wrong during this pregnancy and I am so thankful for that or Mom would have been missed even more-if that is even possible. In fact, I would do this over and over if labor wasn't a part of the process oh and College wasn't getting so terribly expensive.

I am confident it has been the two of you watching over me and helping me to have a flawless pregnancy.

I am not sure when it will be time for her to come but I have a feeling it will be within a week.

You will be missed every step of the way and I'm so sorry you have to miss this....but you'll be there...right?


I was doing okay today until the News Herald reporter emailed me the article that will be published Sunday on my Brother. It was heart wrenching. I deleted before I saw anymore. I saw sentences like, shot in the head once from the window and died instantly. Then I saw words about my Mother, alive, lying in a pool of blood. I couldn't read anymore. I immediately hit delete, delete, delete. How dare she send that to me. I don't know all of the details. Yes, my Mother was alive but she wasn't conscious, I hope to God. And I also saw that she was sitting next to my Dad, I thought she was sitting on the stairs with Brandy. I'm angry now. My quote also looks as if I'm "satisfied" with the outcome of my brother's sentence. How can we be satisfied? I feel blessed that the Judge agreed what we already knew in our hearts, that this was not Justin but satisfied? That is not the word I would use. I am scared for the future, we are still devastated, we are worried about him and what will happen if they do believe they can cure his medical condition which is unlikely.

If anyone reads the Downriver News Herald this Sunday, please understand some of this information may be false. I would recommend not reading it as it almost made me go into labor.........it just takes you back to the sadness and pain and nightmare my wonderful parents suffered that day. I''m so sorry Mommy.....

The way we once were

The News Herald called me today to ask me if I would like to comment on the Judge's decision for Justin. Because they did such a wonderful memorial article on my Parents and they came into Mom's  home to highlight her baking abilities a few years ago, I said yes. 

It's a hard question to answer as there are so many mixed emotions. First of all, and I think I speak for most of my family members (not all),  is we feel blessed that everyone in the court system from both sides were in agreement with what we already knew was true in our hearts. This was not Justin and he is not guilty, by reason of insanity. While this is good news for Justin to not have to go to jail, it is also an incredibly sad sentence. It was preventable. This act was preventable and no matter what the sentence is, my parents are still gone and the tragedy can never be undone.

With this sentence, I am left with questions and uncertainty. How long will he be there? How long will he be safe? Could he ever possibly recover from this? Although it was an illness, could I ever fully forgive him for taking away the two most important people in my life?  Only time will tell- but for now, I must be thankful he is at least being removed from jail and on his way to hopefully a place of healing and most importantly, acceptance of what he has done and acceptance for his new life.  What would Mom and Dad want? I often ask myself. The pain this has caused us would put them in misery if they knew. Yet, I will never forget how much Mom stuck up for Justin and how much she trusted and loved him.  This was her Son.....no matter what. There is a level of unconditional love parents have for their children.......I am just saddened someone she loved so deeply and brought into this world, ended her and my Dad's wonderful life.  I miss my Family...."the way we once were" .

the trial

I want to go back to simple times like getting dressed by Mom every few months, all perfect and pretty...and we head to Olan Mills for our pictures. Yes, she even loved pictures then. 

I definitely feel as if my families life right now is part of a crime show, like CSI or Law in order, two of my Mom's favorite shows oddly enough. Tomorrow is my brother's trial, my parents killings and details will be read, my little Sister will go on stand, and I will be here back in Cincinnati hiding, as I have been since this all happened. Apparently the first part of this trial the medical examiners report will be read. How can she handle hearing the details? She tells me if I ever want to know anything, she will tell me. That alone makes me sick to my stomach, I don't want to know anything. I want to believe it was fast, my Mother was in shock and that they both felt little pain. That is frankly all I can handle, even if it's not the truth.  My Sister is very protective of the family and was discouraging anyone else to attend the trial. My Mom's Sister is going, she says Patty would be mad at her if she didn't go. I appreciate her being there for my Sister and my brother.  

I pray tomorrow they come to an agreement and he can finally be placed somewhere but I know that will take time to determine where he will go. I want him to begin healing and adjusting to his new life. We'll always worry about him for the rest of our life, but it will be nice to know that he is somewhere safe, if the place where he is placed is safe that is. 

I saw his signature today 8 different times on some papers my attorney had to mail to me. The littlest things make  you sad, seeing my brother's handwriting, and his middle name which is after my Dad, Jerome.  Justin J. Olszowy.  I pray for you and know Mom and Dad are guiding us through this difficult time.  We continue to face these challenges and take them day by day. But why us I still ask myself? Why was our family chosen to face a tragedy so devastating?  One that continues to break our hearts.....

I'm sad today that my daughter will never meet my Parents or most likely my brother. She will only know my Sister from my immediate family. Family is everything to me and that really, really, bums me out. I wanted to share all of the traditions as my daughter grows with mine and Ted's family...together. 

Thanks for your prayers as my Family faces another challenging day tomorrow. As always, we will get through this. 

My favorite 08 memory

Last night Ted and I were out to dinner with two really good friends, Ashley and Justin. I tried Indian Food for the first time, yes while pregnant...and I loved it. Especially the Nan (traditional Indian bread).  They're great friends to have and Ashley has been super supportive and sweet about losing my parents and with the upcoming baby. She always asks, "how are you doing? "how were the Holidays-were they okay?"  At dinner she excused herself to the restroom but she said, when I come back we need to reveal our favorite 08 memory so be thinking about it until I come back. "favorite 08 memory?" I thought to myself......that was a tough one because I have so many negative and sad memories about 08. 

She came back to the table and we talked about a few different things and then we all went around revealing our favorite 08 memory. Mine had to be the last time I saw my parents, which was Easter weekend, Mom, Dad and Christina and Aydan came to the Close's  for dinner (Mom asked when I was going to have a baby? and laughed how old she and I will probably be! She is sure laughing now...) and I also saw them in Allen Park.....we brought lunch to my Grandpa's house and Mom, Dad, Christina and I ate lunch together, for the last time.  I delivered Justin his last Easter basket. He came upstairs to peak through the chocolate. 

My second one, because I had to have a second one was the baby celebration. It was absolutely surreal greeting the same exact people 6 months earlier at Mom and Dad's funeral and be greeting them again for such a joyous occasion. Everyone was there, so many of my Family and Friends flew and drove in to support Ted and I and the shower itself was definitely the most gorgeous I have ever seen. It was really a special day. 

Ted's favorite memory was our vacation in St. John at Caneel Bay when the two of us had the beach to ourselves. It was a tough vacation, one month after everything happended...but what a place to be to just think and process everything that we had went through. 

This weekend, Ted's Mom and Dad came to Cincinnati to help us get ready for the baby's arrival one last time. Ted and his Dad put up the most anticipated chandelier in the baby room and Ted's Mom and I put together the pack n play, swing and sterilized bottles. We're getting ready and we are lucky to have them to help. 

Ted's parents also brought down my most special piece of furniture for the nursery and that is Mom's rocking chair. This was in our house all growing up, moved from the living room to the bedroom, then Brandy decided to chew the leg up a little bit. When my Sister was going through my Mom and Dad's house after they died, she said to me, "you know Dad bought Mom that rocking chair when she was pregnant with you right?". I replied NO but then knew it could not be donated or given away. It was truly meant to be as the place that refinished it did an amazing job.  The stain is a perfect Espresso color which matches the rest of our furniture. I know Mom would be so happy that we did this and the fact that I will soon be rocking our little one  in the same exact chair where I once was...is really special. Sad too as I never thought they wouldn't be here to witness this. 

Each day brings it challenges and sad thoughts but we continue to be so lucky to have the friends and family that we have. We're only 4 days into the new year and we've already shared two dinners with good friends and spent a full day and night with Ted's parents.  We look forward to a year filled with happy memories and a year that continues to honor my wonderful parents lives... who left us much too soon. 

A New Year

A fresh start. A new beginning. A new year. But they're still gone.... 

All I can hope and wish for this year is a year of less tears and more joy, a year of no loss and only gain, a year of less pain and only happiness and a year of peace, closure and acceptance. 

This year will still have it's challenges, but nothing will ever compare to last year. But I got through it and I still couldn't tell you how. I know it must be my parents giving us some of this strength we have found. 

I never really make resolutions and I don't really intend to this year however there are some things I would like to accomplish: 

*Take a family vacation to Hilton Head over Easter to visit my Dad's Sister and bring the little one, get pictures of Aydan and E.P.C. on the beach

*On the one year anniversary of my parents death, do something good-volunteer, charity work, awareness, something to honor their life

*See my grandpa's more although for living out of State, I see them quite often 

*Go on a Summer vacation with a few couples and our kids

*Spend time at my parent's lake place

*Run, run and run...maybe even get a half marathon in....

*Be more organized..especially with expanding our family 

*Continue a relationship with my brother, I cannot commit to a visit at this point but making sure he is safe, has what he needs, and communication through letters is a definite 

*Help a friend or family memberr through a tough time, I think I can handle anything

*Be a great Mom like my Mom and my parent's Moms, unconditional love is the most important thing 

*Learn to cook something, not cook "a lot" or start to cook, just learn how to cook something. My Father was the cook in the family, even though Mom stayed at home. It was the coolest thing. He was so good at it. But I read what my Mom wrote in several of the cookbooks she bought for Ted, she wrote, "maybe you can teach my daughter a thing or two".  So I'll learn a thing or two....

*Move away from feeling angry, this will take time but I still struggle with this. I end up getting so mad this happened to my family, my parents, my brother, my nephew, my life and I tend to think a lot, "are you seriously complaining to ME about YOUR day?" But I cannot think that way. Everyone has their own daily tragedies and I still need to listen, offer support and be a good co-worker, friend or stranger...even if their situation doesn't come close to losing both of your parents the way that I did.  Other family members, friend's family members, co-workers family members are going to pass away this year and over the years, and no matter how anyone passes away, it is sad and difficult for that person. I'd like to learn how to not feel jealous of that person for being able to say good-bye....for them living a much longer life then my Mom and Dad did....

Well, Mom and Dad....you officially passed away last year and yet, it still seems like last weekend you were here in Cincinnati visiting. playing cards. making dinner. drinking wine.  It is so hard to believe that this month we will bring new life to the world and I cannot thank you enough for this gift. 

Happy New Year to everyone, I hope everyone in my life is blessed with happiness. 

Love always, 

Melissa