the trial

I want to go back to simple times like getting dressed by Mom every few months, all perfect and pretty...and we head to Olan Mills for our pictures. Yes, she even loved pictures then. 

I definitely feel as if my families life right now is part of a crime show, like CSI or Law in order, two of my Mom's favorite shows oddly enough. Tomorrow is my brother's trial, my parents killings and details will be read, my little Sister will go on stand, and I will be here back in Cincinnati hiding, as I have been since this all happened. Apparently the first part of this trial the medical examiners report will be read. How can she handle hearing the details? She tells me if I ever want to know anything, she will tell me. That alone makes me sick to my stomach, I don't want to know anything. I want to believe it was fast, my Mother was in shock and that they both felt little pain. That is frankly all I can handle, even if it's not the truth.  My Sister is very protective of the family and was discouraging anyone else to attend the trial. My Mom's Sister is going, she says Patty would be mad at her if she didn't go. I appreciate her being there for my Sister and my brother.  

I pray tomorrow they come to an agreement and he can finally be placed somewhere but I know that will take time to determine where he will go. I want him to begin healing and adjusting to his new life. We'll always worry about him for the rest of our life, but it will be nice to know that he is somewhere safe, if the place where he is placed is safe that is. 

I saw his signature today 8 different times on some papers my attorney had to mail to me. The littlest things make  you sad, seeing my brother's handwriting, and his middle name which is after my Dad, Jerome.  Justin J. Olszowy.  I pray for you and know Mom and Dad are guiding us through this difficult time.  We continue to face these challenges and take them day by day. But why us I still ask myself? Why was our family chosen to face a tragedy so devastating?  One that continues to break our hearts.....

I'm sad today that my daughter will never meet my Parents or most likely my brother. She will only know my Sister from my immediate family. Family is everything to me and that really, really, bums me out. I wanted to share all of the traditions as my daughter grows with mine and Ted's family...together. 

Thanks for your prayers as my Family faces another challenging day tomorrow. As always, we will get through this.