until i see you again...

You are probably wondering where I've been...or maybe your watching over me at all times and you really do not even need this blog to learn about what's going on in my life. Maybe this was just my way to document this painful journey of healing and to share with others that life can still go on despite of a tragic loss. I am not sure.

The writing over the last five years has helped me in so many ways. I was able to share my deepest heartache and feelings when they were too hard to share with anyone in person. But more importantly, I was able to document this to share with my children one day. A big fear I have is how they could ever really understand or how would they really know how special my parents were - I think this will offer a special glimpse into who they were and what they meant to me. This blog and all of the writing also resulted in self-publishing my own little book. I know it took courage to share my entire heart and soul with so many...and I hope it brought a few people peace when they needed it knowing they are not alone. We all have our demons. Don't let them define you - it's the easy way out.

Today will be my last post. I've decided to retire this site. I can finally look myself in the mirror and say I'm okay. Sure, I still have my days and it will hit me out of nowhere like a ton of bricks and I will find myself crying hysterically just missing having parents in my life - my parents. The parents that would have been the most amazing Grandparents to Elle and Harry and would have supported me in all of these life-decisions I have and will continue to face. I miss those daily phone calls but I miss the unconditional love the most. I don't believe that void will ever be filled and I will miss it for the rest of my life. I still have a lot to work on...I put a wall up after they died and while I feel it starting to come down, it still exists. I am hard on myself... and have high hopes of others when it comes to family and how others define it differently than I do. I think too much and worry intensely about the future - I want to have a plan at all times. And I want everything done yesterday...

I have learned through this who my friends are and the family who stuck by my side years after the tragedy knowing deep down this was still really tough...especially during the holidays, milestones and the Spring-time.  But when disappointment sets in I have learned to take lots of deep breathes and say 'they just don't know, they just cannot truly ever understand'. I truly hope everyone that supported our family knows how much I appreciated their love and friendship throughout the years of grieving. There are people that have helped me tremendously that don't even know it. For example, my running partner. A year ago I finally got back in the groove thanks to her. I retired my old play-lists that brought back sad memories, and told myself that it was OK to return to things I once I had a passion for before my parents died. My father loved watching me run all of those years...I knew I had to get back into it. So, thank you for helping me without even knowing you were. And my co-workers for continually telling me how positive I am and saying they would have never known I went through anything in life the way I am at work. I told myself early on when this happened that I would walk through that office door and leave everything behind. Good for work but sometimes that meant the brunt of it was put on my husband or other family members as I worked through this new life. So I thank all of you for never giving up on me and knowing this was going to take a lot of time to heal from something so unfathomable. I owe a great deal to Ted's parents and so many others that have always been there before, during AND after.

I avoided writing these last few months in denial that five years had passed by. I am still amazed it has been that long that I have heard my parents' voices...and amazed at how much has happened these last five years; too much to even mention but instantly I think of my incredible nephew, my beautiful children, my sister, our careers and success and how blessed we have been in all other aspects of our life. We have still lived and experienced SO much despite some pretty tough days.

The way my parents died will never be erased from my mind and it's the part of their death that has been the most difficult. There are things I do not know and never want to know. And I have accepted that no matter how painful it is, I cannot change it. I just try to tell myself now that they're together and that whatever pain they may have felt is now gone and I just pray they are in the most amazing place. I will not say I am at peace yet, not even close, but I am OK. And for me...that's a start. A start that I am proud of....a start that took five years to get to...a lot of tears, a lot of therapy, a lot of support and a lot of fun and amazing adventures and distractions to get me there.

My brother is safe and under great care. That will always be a tough situation but I am blessed with strength to be able to maintain a relationship with him and to have empathy for his illness. That was not my brother. This will be a long road of recovery for him and I just pray he continues to remain safe and is able to adjust to this new life one day. So that leads me into my new focus for the next 5 months - mental illness.

Mental illness impacted our lives so significantly. I feel I am finally in a place to help make a difference. I am starting small...with my Sister and a few friends (thank you Molly and Melissa!) by raising funding to spread awareness of mental Illness. Partnering with NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) for their annual 5k, we'll hopefully raise $5,000 over the next 5 months, all in honor of the 5 year anniversary of my Parents' death and everyone who has been impacted by this and or are dealing with it today in their life. The walk will take place on 9/21 in Novi, MI. Please click on the below link to access my fundraising page. You can register to walk with us which I would LOVE, make a donation to our team OR join my team and help raise additional funding on your own for this  much needed cause.
Thank you for you love and support by checking this out. Without even much effort yet, my Team is at 15% of goal  and I am at 14% of goal. I am so thankful for my friends and family who supported so far!!!!!

http://namiwalks.nami.org/wemissyoumomanddad?SID=3711718&LangPref=en-CA

This blog will hopefully never be deleted...and will always be here to look back at old posts, review pictures and to reflect on how far we have come in 5 years. Man those first few years were so heart-wrenching. I almost find year 1 & 2 hard to even read anymore...but I know how proud my parents would be that their daughter was able to share her story and journey of healing and to keep their memory alive as best as I possibly could. I hope to keep their memory alive forever through stories, pictures and through how I treat people - they were good people with really good hearts. I want to be more like them.

This is not good-bye...the retiring of the blog is just another chapter closed on this journey of life. I hate that I had to see my parents go like this so young but I pray as the years go by it will hopefully start getting easier to remember only the good times. The times that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I pray they know how much we love and miss them everyday. I carry them everywhere I go in my heart and I owe everything I have become to them without a doubt. Please continue to be with us at all times; through the good and bad. I know I will need you. And I know my heart will continue to ache when it gets tough and during milestones that I know you would give anything to be here for.

All my love and until I see you again,

Love, your daughter

PS - thank you to all of my readers out there - almost 80,000 visits to this site over the last five years. Simply amazing. Thanks for reading through some tough stuff and supporting me through this. Please keep in touch. All my love and hope, Melissa