ugh...

While next week will be difficult, everyday is somewhat difficult for me. Like today, I simply lost it. I just held Elle as I cried, cried, cried.  I honestly believe I will 100% never get over the fact of how my parents died. They were killed. They were killed by my brother, their son. The person I grew up with, only two years younger than me. We were raised and treated the same. How could I ever get over this? I think of if that were Ted and I? I cannot even fathom my own child ending our lives? It sounds so unthinkable? But it happened. It happened to my family. 

So, yes next week will be hard...thinking of the day I found out, the long drive home, planning the funeral, attending the funeral and the weeks following. But, there is not an hour that goes by in my day that I cannot help but think how angry and sad I am. My brother. This could have been prevented. We could have saved them. No one in the world saw this coming. 

I understand their is a grieving process and many other people out there in the world have lost people they loved to a tragic event, but when your own brother was the one that was the cause is one of the hardest to handle I believe. And the saddest part is that it really wasn't my brother. My brother wouldn't have done this. Minds and medications are so scary to me. 

I am thankful that today is going to be sunny and warm here in Cincinnati. Ted is landscaping today, I'll go on my 4 mile walk with Elle and my girlfriend Laura and her boyfriend will be down here this afternoon. At least for a few hours, it will be nice to have my mind elsewhere and enjoy friends and a fun dinner outside. 

Linda, how did your daughter get through her tragedy? How did your family overcome it? I remember my Mom telling me when you all were going through that-her heart ached for you all. Now with having my own child, I simply cannot imagine that. Just as I never imagined this to happen. 

Thinking of all of the people out there who have lost people they loved to a tragic event.