May flowers

Tomorrow is a new month. The Month of May. The month Elle will be baptized, Mother's Day and our 6 year anniversary. Wow, 6 years. Where has the time gone? 3 states, new jobs, new houses, new friends, and a new baby. We've done a lot in 6 years and I'm very proud of where we're both at personally and professionally. 

I'm heading back to Michigan this weekend for a bridal shower. Elle and I have dinner plans tomorrow night with a good friend, Saturday I'll get to catch up with my college girlfriends and celebrate the upcoming marriage of my friend Megan. Elle will get to see her grandparents, her Auntie Christina and her cousin Aydan and possibly other family and friends. You never know who else I will see while I'm home. 

But, the truth is, as much as I love seeing my friends and family, I hate going home now. Because, this weekend, I want nothing more then to walk through the doors of my parents house, plop my stuff down anywhere, give my Mom a big hug, my Dad his usual quick-yet loving hug, grab a glass of wine, put my feet up on the couch and shoot the shit with my parents. My parents. The most laid back, loving, fun, supportive, non-judgemental, always up for anything kind of people-I can say what I want and be myself, be a kid again, be my Mom and Dad's daughter.... 

Although I'm thankful I spent a lot of time with them, it's not enough. I of course wish I would have spent so much more.....I know I can never take back the past but I feel guilty. I want to redo it all....hug them more, tell them I love them more, well I know I couldn't have called anymore as I did that, but just have spent more time........time is all we have and that is why I do spend a lot of my time with friends and family-always have but I do it as much as possible now. I live for visitors and thankfully, we get a lot of them and I now cherish time even more with my family and my wonderful friends. They're all I have left. 

I can't wait to see everyone over Mother's Day weekend for Elle's baptism. But I again will be wishing my parents were there.......but I am thankful for the strong family we have become. 

Goodbye April

Happy 28th Birthday, Justin.

And Happy Birthday to his Godmother, my wonderful Aunt Diann.

April has been a tough month.......the month my parents were killed. The month we had their funeral last year. It represents the worst month ever. But in a sense it also is a month of celebration and birthdays for a lot of special people. My Mother was born in April and her and my Aunt loved having April birthdays. "Diamonds are a girls best friend", they would say.

I am happy to say good-bye to April though, and I am hopeful that April Showers will bring May flowers. (less tears and more happiness)

Mother's Day is next. The commercials are already coming, the cards are up, and I continually get emails on sending flowers for Mothers Day. How insensitive of them-right? ha ha. But in all seriousness, I am blessed that this Mother's Day I will not only get to honor my own Mother's life, I get to celebrate that I am now a Mother myself. I owe all I have become to my Mom as she was the best example of a Mother that I could ever imagine. I didn't tell her enough, who does, but I pray she hears me now.

Goodbye April.

a birthday card

Picking out a birthday card for your brother should be easy right? Yeah, well, it used to be easy when I didn't have a brother who ended my parents life. It took me an hour today at CVS trying to find not the "perfect card", just "a" card at best, that I could send to my brother.

The first one I picked up had just a simple bird on the front and the inside read, "happy birthday-I'm so glad you were born". How could I send that? Maybe if he wasn't born, Mom and Dad would still be alive. Then I picked up others that said how special the person was or that were way too mushy or referenced cake and candles. My brother certainly will not be getting a cake or blowing out any candles, so I didn't want to send anything to depress him even more.

I stood there for a few minutes and thought to myself, if I could create a card to say exactly what I wanted to tell him, what would it say. It would say something like this:

Happy Birthday Brother,
I know this continues to be tough for you but I pray and hope you get closer to peace and a level of acceptance of your new life. Your new life without your parents and essentially, your entire family. We know you were sick and are sick but we cannot get past what has happened. Things will never be the same, I'm sorry for that. I understand medically that you did not want to do this and I blame 80% of this tragedy on the medication and what it did to your mind but I'm telling you, not everyone in the family understands and I hope one day you understand this. See, I believe everyone is accountable for their own actions, but in your case you were not. That's hard for me to swallow and for others too. You took away the two most important people to me, Christina, Aydan and yourself included. I don't think anyone will ever be able to "forgive" you per say but more so understand medically that it wasn't you. I don't know. Dealing with the loss of Mom and Dad is my main struggle but some often forget, I also lost you in this devastating tragedy as well. I've always cared about your well being. I hope you know that and I beat myself up that I could have helped prevent this, but our beautiful Mother loved and accepted you and trusted you to know end. Mom and Dad loved you very much. I know Christina, Aydan and I took the spotlight but you were always given the same opportunity. I begged you to get your GED, you were so smart and I truly believed one day you could be working a real job and talking more in public and be who we all knew you could be. You were a beautiful child growing up and you gave Mom and Dad a lot of joy in your early years. I'm certain you gave Dad a tremendous amount of joy when you were born. "his first son". But it's sad to report you and Dad never had that Father/Son relationship as you became an adult because of your condition. I think that is why Dad enjoyed Ted so much. He wanted that bond. Dad always loved you, defended you and made you dinner each and every night. Yeah, I miss his cooking too. I'll always be angry with you as you have changed our lives forever and have caused so much pain in my life, so many lives, but on April 29th, I will wish you a happy birthday and be thinking that you are doing okay. I'll always be wishing and hoping that you are okay.

So needed less to say, I didn't find a card that said all that. But I did manage to find your basic, funny, but not overly funny card that I felt was appropriate. It would make him quickly smile I had hoped as I made my purchase. Of course I didn't write anything I said in the above in the card. I don't want to upset him. I don't want to bring up Mom and Dad. It would make me feel worse knowing he was sad. I honestly would rather him move on, accept this, and adjust to his new life in this medical facility. Let us deal with the pain. I'd love to tell him that he took away my loving parents that were everything to me and how lonely and devastated I am. But I won't. I know my Sister has had these conversations with him but my take is, what good will it do?? Because at the end of the day, they are never coming back.

Christina is now going through the angry stage with Justin without him being aware of that. That's the tricky part of visiting and communicating with him. You don't want to give him false hope but you also want him to know we still care about him. We really do. This is just very complicated and very difficult. I need my Mom and Dad to tell me what to do. Christina and I do not know what to do......he is the reason for our nightmares, but he is our brother...

a packed weekend

85 and sunny all weekend and another one filled with dinners and friends. I also received a very special package in the mail on Friday-Elle's christening gown that my Aunt worked very hard to refurbish. This dress not only was worn by my siblings and I, some of my cousins, Aunts and Uncles were baptized in it too. I can't help but think how happy this would make my Mom. She would be so proud and for that I am very thankful to my Aunt for her hard work and dedication to keeping this dress in the family. She also made a beautiful blanket with all of the names of who wore the dress. It was sad to see Justin Jerome Olszowy on there. But like all of us, he was baptized and loved. 

Ted volunteered this weekend at the MS walk as the official event "photographer". Elle and I did the walk. It was a gorgeous day and as I was walking I was thinking how I wish I had my Mom to walk with me. She was always up for stuff like that. Anything to benefit a good cause, she'd be there if I asked her to be. It's everything I do now, I wish they were here. oh Dad would love this or oh, my Mom loved that. I feel like I'll be saying those words forever. 

We also had the pleasure of having our good friend from Michigan pay us a visit. He was in the area for Soccer and came by for dinner. He recently took over the head coach position for the Men's Soccer team at Oakland University and he brought along his new assistant for dinner. 

We ate outside in the square and little Miss Elle was a good girl as usual. We are lucky that we can take her to nice restaurants. At least for now. From what my friends tell me, once they can crawl and especially walk-you're done. 

Last night we made dinner for our recently engaged friends Todd and Sarah. We drank wine and then enjoyed the best chocolate cake that Sarah brought over. Elle fell asleep in Sarah's arms for pretty much the entire night. It's nice to have girls around that are really good with babies. She just picks Elle up the second she walks in, changes her if needed, fed her a bottle (still working on her bottle feedings....she doesn't love bottles) and covered her legs when it got chilly after the sun went down. 

Elle has one more week with the nanny at my girlfriends house and then it's time for Gramma Close to move in! She'll be here for a month and I hope this is a month both of them will never forget. I pray and hope I'm alive and can do the same for Elle's children one day. I want to be involved for every step of the way. I worry because of what I've been through that I'm going to be totally overbearing, an even worse worrier then I already am and super protective. But hopefully in time, she'll just understand. Sorry,  I learned the hard and really sad way that your life could end so quickly and I just cannot take any more chances. 

Missing you always Mom and Dad. I still have to pinch myself every so often because I will be like, are they really gone? I sometimes like to pretend you're still alive and that I just haven't seen you in a while with living out of State. It's such a crappy feeling when I then realize the truth. You're gone and it still sucks. But we continue to smile and do fun things that make us happy. We really have no choice right? But I do know not everyone that suffers a tragedy is this strong. And I understand, it's difficult every day and yes, the easy way out would be to let this lead us deep into a depressed life but I think my Mom and especially my Dad would be devastated if this ruined our lives. But like I've said before, it's easier said then done. You just do your best. No one can prepare themselves for something like this. And no one can tell me how I should be handling this as I continue to do just the best that I can do. I still have really shitty days but then some days I laugh so hard I'll go a whole hour or two without even thinking about the loss. Hey, that's progress to me. 

a day at keeneland

Today our Sales team spent the day in Lexington, KY at Keeneland horse race tracks. (think sea biscuit). 

It was a gorgeous day. We bet on horses (mine all lost) and enjoyed the sun. I never have been into horse racing but it was really fun especially when your betting! I end up feeling bad for the horses though. 

We have a great team and I work with some really wonderful people. I almost felt guilty attending the team function, since I have been off for the last 3 months.........

Looking forward to seeing our friend Eric tomorrow night who is in town for Soccer from MI. Saturday, Elle and I are walking for the MS Society while Ted volunteers as the photographer.

My Grandmother suffered and ultimately died from MS. She was in a wheelchair ever since I was born or can remember. I walk for you Gramma.  Snickers come to mind whenever I think of my Dad's Mother. My Grandpa and Gramma would stock the fridge drawer with Snickers and the second we walked into their house, we ran toward the fridge. But, we got scolded by Dad as we had to first walk up to Gramma and ask her if it was okay if we had a Snickers.  She of course always said yes....as long as we grabbed her one too. 

I so miss all of my loved ones that I have lost. I'm so sad that all of my woman are gone.......

I pray they are all reunited now........Dad's up there with all of the ladies.....

Happy 52nd Birthday Mommy-4/22

Tomorrow my Mother would have turned 52 years old. She was so young and it saddens me to think someone who enjoyed life so much died so young this way. She died with her husband whom she was married to for 30 years. I love and miss my Mother so very much and I'd do anything to see her again, hug her again, talk to her again and mostly, laugh with her again. I'd tell her over and over what a great Mom she was and what a wonderful person she was. 

Dear Mommy, 

Tomorrow will mark the second birthday that I have not been able to celebrate with you. Life is strange without you. It's quieter and lonelier and your laughter, humor and smile is missed so terribly. You had such a big heart and you were there for your friends and family. You listened to them, we could rely on you and we could cry on your shoulder. I'm just sorry I didn't let you cry on my shoulder much. You always listened to me. I wish I would have spent more time listening to you and telling you how much you were appreciated by so many. You were a woman of many things. But your true love was your husband, being with friends and goofing around with  your family. Nothing made you more happy then having Christmas Day at your house with all of the family or going on vacation with friends or family or having everyone up at the lake. You loved that stuff. You were one of those individuals that so many strive to be- an individual that was loved by so many. I never pictured my life without you. I guess I didn't think I had to. I miss our daily phone calls and I really miss leaving messages on the answering machine. You said I called too much. I loved bugging you and Dad. At least I don't have to say I didn't call you enough when you were alive, but there are still some regrets. I have regrets of not knowing enough about Justin's condition, giving my opinion to you as if I knew what was best. You did your very best and you loved and cared for your Son just as you did for Christina and I. You never saw this coming, no one did. I wish I could have done more. I wish I could have saw signs to stop this from happening. I have nightmares, really scary ones lately. Dad was alive and you were at the hospital dying. Dad was devastated and I think to myself as much as I wish at least ONE of you would have made it, I cannot imagine what life would be like for either of you without each other. I think we could have made it through. Christina and I would have helped you and or Dad. But I pray that dream I was told was truly what happened and that Dad was there to walk you through the doors of heaven and that you are enjoying eternal life even more then you did on Earth. 

I'll never forget you, I'll never stop loving you, I'll never stop crying for you, and I'll never stop honoring you and the life you have given me. I am here because of you and I am who I am today, because of you and the way I was raised. I am most sad you never got to see me take all that I have learned from you and becoming a Mother myself. I know you'd be proud of Ted and I. But it's hard when I look at Elle and to think, wow-you guys are missing this.  I need you. And it's really, really hard to not have you in my life. I hope I continue to live the life you would want me to have and I hope one day I will be at peace in knowing you are okay and that I must move on but always, always carrying your spirit along. 

Happy Birthday to my beautiful Mommy, on her 52nd birthday. I will bake you a cake tomorrow in your spring foam pans and I will wear your ring of your Mothers that you never took off. 

I miss and love you every day, 

Your oldest daughter Melissa 

sun, baby, wine, and friends

These are the kind of weekends you never want to end. A weekend that is stress free filled with good friends, good weather, good food, good wine oh and a very, very good baby. 

All of  the SCJ girls that have since left Cincinnati and some even left SC Johnson, came back for a little reunion/girls weekend. It was such an awesome weekend. Friday night Ted stayed in with Elle. He made it with her alone till about 11pm but for the last feeding a bottle wasn't cutting it so I had to end my night a little early but dinner was over so it was good timing. The girls and I had a great dinner at one my favorite restaurants NADA. Saturday we started our morning off with a Starbucks, oh and before 10 am I made Giada's (food network chef) Chocolate Almond Honey Tart for our dinner later that evening. It was a bit of a challenge making her crust without a food processor but I somehow pulled this off. My Mommy would be so proud. I even used her spring foam pan. I actually did it. Us girls then took a nice walk throughout Hyde Park and ended in the square for a fun lunch outside. Elle never made a peep and really was just such a wonderful baby. I feel so lucky to have a laid back baby that you can take places (for now at least). We then went grocery shopping, made a yummy meal and had my favorite White haven Sauvingnon Blanc  (thanks Fry guy!). It was so much fun having the girls all over, laughing....Juls ran the grill, I watched the potatoes, Jess cut up the veggies......and it was really nice to just talk girl stuff. We had quite the diverse group- I was the only Mother, we had one expectant Mother, 3 of the 5 were married, one engaged and two are single but in the dating scene. So it was definitely fun to all talk about our lives-babies, weddings, dating..... I of course always "mention" my parents but this time it wasn't about their death, I was able to simply talk about them when something came up in conversation. Julie and I talked about it a lot on our walk but for once, I didn't want to talk a lot about their death.  I know my friends feel sad for me and sometimes there are just no words to say. And I actually understand and am okay with that. I do not expect them to really ever understand but it's nice to know all of my friends out there care. I think they understand I will be dealing with this sadness for the rest of my life no matter how happy I am at any given moment. 

I will admit though, it's so very strange to live without parents. Whenever the word "Dad" or "Mom" or "Parents" is said, it instantly reminds, wow- I don't have them. The two people you love the most, you rely so heavily on are gone. I never want my friends to stop talking about their parents to me just because mine are gone, as their my friends and I want to know about their lives but it's hard because I miss having parents so much. It really is the loneliest feeling and I feel sad for anyone that lost both of their parents at the same time at a young age. One is hard enough but the fact that they're both gone is unimaginable. 

Thanks to my friends for making Elle and I smile this weekend.

girls weekend..

The weather is going to be sunny and warm in Cincinnati this weekend and it's perfect timing for a girls weekend. I'm picking up my girlfriend that currently lives in Long Island, tonight from the airport. Tomorrow other friends from Chicago and Minneapolis arrive. Ted's watching Elle tomorrow tonight and us girls have dinner reservations at a trendy Mexican restaurant. 

Saturday, I'll have all of the girls over for Wine and food and we'll play with Elle. Ted's heading back to MI to attend a baptism class and Sunday he gets to attend Aydan's 1st hockey game. 

Looking forward to being in the warm sun and enjoying my Cincinnati friends that have since left and moved on to bigger and better things.....

This week has been going by pretty fast. Elle is adjusting to her new life with the nanny for the next 3 weeks until Gramma Close arrives. She had a great day today and took her bottles without tears. Work has been really good and I'm glad to be back. Seeing Elle for the first time after work is worth the wait! 

This weekend will be a good one. It will be filled with friends and hopefully a lot of fun and laughter but Mom and Dad are always in my thoughts and the sadness will always be there. I haven't accepted that their both gone, but I have accepted this is my new life and I have to deal with it as best as possible. I just think of how happy I would be if they were here. I really would then have the best life ever-I'd be complete. But would I have ever realized it? 

Love always, 

Melissa

Life's too short...

It was interesting, tonight I talked with my Grandpa, Uncle and Mother-in-law and they all commented in one way or another that "life's too short". Yes, it sure is..... 

What helps me a little with my handling my parents death is that they did live. They went places. They vacationed. They spent a lot time with friends and family. I'm sure they had some, but I don't think they had a ton of regrets. I want to live a life like that. Yeah sure, I'd like to retire some day but like my parents, I could die a year later. Imagine if you worked all of your life to retire but then died a year later? What memories do you have in the bank?

I believe in balance. Save for a rainy day, but also know that rainy day may never come and enjoy your life as the only thing you take to the grave are memories. Not your house, millions in the bank, fancy cars........none of that matters.  I'm happy that my parents made the trip to Hilton Head or Atlanta whenever they could, they took cruises with their friends, visited Dad's brother in FL since he's been living there in the Winters and I know they had full intentions of traveling much more as the years went on. That's what makes me real sad. My Mom specifically said to me a few months before they died how she couldn't wait to travel more. I feel so sad that she didn't get that chance. I'd give anything to be able to plan a trip with them right now for the Summer. They were up for anything. 

But Ted and I will continue taking trips with our friends and family when we can. We live for our yearly vacations and I feel so blessed that I've been on so many awesome trips thus far. I'm really looking forward to Florida, Paris and Ireland this year and I'm also looking forward to the little getaways as we head to my parent's lake this Summer. It will still be really difficult but I'm looking forward to bringing Elle up there. But thinking of that instantly makes me bummed. My parents would have LOVED to have ELLE and all of us up there. I didn't go there enough, the door was always open. Didn't matter how many people were coming. My parents always made room, even if it meant two air mattresses in the living room. "the more the merrier" was their motto and honestly, they have never turned anyone away. They loved a full house, especially up there. 

I unfortunately learned in such a sad way how short life is. I never even thought in a million years that I could one day wake up and never again be able to talk to or see my parents. I'm telling you, it can happen--it did. Yeah, I was one of those people too. "It would never happen to me". But it did. My very only family was torn apart. My parents were killed by their Son. My childhood home became a crime scene. My brother was in jail for a year now a medical center.

 It really happened to me. We are grieving and I personally will live with a broken heart forever. I'll live on...........Ted and I will continue to make wonderful memories with Elle, our Family and Friends and I will always remember how short life is and I'll never forget to hug my daughter and squeeze her tightly and tell her how much she is loved as that is all I wish I could do to my own Mom and Dad. And I think I will live on wishing that for the rest of my life. 

Live, laugh, love..........no one knows how much time we have left......

a poem written for Mom and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad, 

A poem was written for you in loving memory. I wanted to post this and share the beautiful words. It was read to the crowd at Boomers on 4/7. "your place"

You were loved by so many, I hope you know that. 

It happened one year ago, today. 

GOD took back the angels he had sent to play. 

Looking back on the years that we have spent:

How things have changed.....

Wondering why it was their time to go, 

one of the best couples you will ever know. 

They were two of GODS very best, 

Together, in life- as in death. 

She was a daughter, he was a son, a mother, a father, 

an and an Uncle, a Sister and a brother. 

They had friends and family, they loved so much, 

sometimes I pray just to feel their touch. 

They loved their grandson-the apple of their eye, 

sometimes there are no answers to the question why?

GOD sent them a granddaughter-a heavenly bliss, 

Grandma & Grandpa-Oh how you're missed. 

With hearts full of love-looking down from above, 

watching over their angels and future loved ones. 

Looking down at us right now

with a big smile and kiss. 

Patty & Jerome you will forever be missed!!!!

back to work...

As of tomorrow, my maternity leave is officially over and I will become a "working mother". 

I've enjoyed my 12 weeks at home and can honestly say after the first 2 weeks, it was pretty easy and I adjusted well. Elle has been such a good baby, we've really been blessed! But I will never forget the first two weeks and not really knowing what to do...but we survived as a family and she is a beautiful, happy and most importantly, healthy baby! We did it. 

I could not think of a more appropriate way to spend my last few days before going back to work then spending it with family. Especially during such a difficult week. It was tough. I am trying very hard to be positive this evening but we are so sad and so very angry. The pain will not go away and they are missed sooooo badly. 

My wonderful Aunt (Dad's Sister) and Uncle came to visit from Atlanta. The weekend started off with a nice dinner at one of our favorite local Italian restaurants. We ate good food and drank yummy wine, while Elle slept the entire time. Saturday, I took my Aunt for a nice long hour walk where we talked about everything and anything. "What are we suppose to do?" was the outcome of talking about my parents and Justin.  How does one overcome such a thing and move on? We will live our lives, we understand we must do this. But it's difficult and painful. 

Early afternoon my Sister and nephew arrived and my cousin Jess and her husband Bob. We did traditional things like colored Eggs, ate Ham, got Easter baskets, hid eggs for Aydan  but also did funny things like listen to my Aunt sing to Elle her favorite Polish songs. Jess and I both agreed that we really messed up by not playing polka music at our weddings. 

Sunday morning Aunt Diann and I walked over to St. Mary's church to attend Easter service. I haven't been back to a Catholic church since my parents funeral a year ago, Ted and I belong to a more contemporary church. My Aunt and I lit candles for our loved ones we have lost, shed tears and then really enjoyed the service. I am glad I went. It's peaceful for that one hour to have faith that they are in a wonderful place. I need to get there for every hour in the day. Maybe one day. 

I'm actually really excited to be back to work and take on the challenges of work/life balance. I've had a rough few weeks with really missing my parents and I'm exited to see what the next three months have in store for my Family and I. We continue to become a stronger family and learning how to cope with our new life without Pat & Jerome. I always thought parenthood would be the biggest challenge I would ever face and I am sure it will be, but coping with this loss will always be the largest. But I am confident that we will get through this as long as we all stick together. But, it will continue to take my Sister and I time. 

I end my evening tonight feeling sad that I don't have my parents, blessed for my beautiful daughter, happy I spent Easter weekend with Ted, my Sis, Aydan and the wonderful "Olszowy" family, excited for my first day back to work and nervous about Elle's first day without her Mommy and Daddy. WISH US LUCK...

we'll always have Easter...

Easter weekend last year, was not only the last Holiday I spent with Mom and Dad........it was the very last weekend that I saw their smiling faces. 

The Close Family hosted Easter and my parents gladly came over to all be together. She walked in with homemade Easter basket cupcakes, flowers for Cindy and Dad brought Pierogis. 

Dad settled downstairs with the boys while the girls drank wine and chatted in the kitchen. 

Mom looked beautiful. They had just gotten back from FL so she was tan and her hair was lighter then normal. It's amazing only three weeks later, seeing her in the casket, how terrible she looked. But that wasn't her anymore. Her spirit was gone. She looked so old and as you can see in these pictures, my Mom was a young 50 year old lady. 

After celebrating Easter with the Close's on a Saturday, I went to my parents house that very next day to bring lunch over to my Grandpa's house. We all met over there and had lunch together. I never in a million years thought that would be the last time I would spend time with them. I wish I would have known. I'd give anything for that day again. 

This week has been rough but for a lot of us, but the sadness is and will always be there. It's the way they died that makes this impossible to move on from. And, it was both of our parents and our own brother. Last year this time I was walking around like a zombie, picking out my parents caskets and trying to plan a funeral after the worst tragedy imaginable. It was insane. 

But I am happy as this Saturday I will be celebrating Easter with my family, which falls on the day of their funeral last year. My Aunt and Uncle from Atlanta are coming in. My Sister and Aydan are coming- as well as my cousin and her husband. I am thrilled to have them all here and have a nice dinner together in honor of my parents. 

Mom and Dad, Easter will forever remain special in our hearts and we will hold those memories close to us when we last saw your beautiful and smiling faces. You had so much more life to live.......you will be missed this weekend.......and every day after......

Happy Easter everyone, 

Melissa

one year through the eyes of a camera...

My worst year ever, but it was also filled with a lot of celebrations, vacations, a miracle and smiles. All while carrying on with a broken heart. 

It all started with two tragic deaths and really, losing my brother too. Then making it through Mom and Dad's birthdays-celebrating their wonderful lives-they were so young. Then life took us to St. John to truly one of the most beautiful resorts in the World, Caneel Bay. I then got pregnant. Had the most magnificent baby shower imaginable-people are still talking about it today-it was the most girly, feminine, pink celebration ever. We wine tasted in Pebble beach, CA (or should I say Ted wine tasted), made it through Holidays and then the birth of Elle. And now, one year later, we continue to grieve the loss of two of the most amazing people, the most important people in my life, my parents. Here, people toast to them on the day they left the world a year ago.  

Thank you to Boomers in Allen Park  for putting "friends are missed" on their billboard for the day and for all of the love and support my family received yesterday, this week and always.......I am determined to keep their spirit alive and I thank all of you for your help with this....

My Mother, Sister and I love pictures. We've taken thousands and I've documented every memory shared..........I will do the same for and with, little miss Elle. Pictures, in my mind, are worth more than anything in the World. They show you, that while broken-hearted, you can still smile and continue making memories on this journey of life.....that's my year......through the eyes of a camera. 

the dream

( thank you for the letter and most importantly, thank you for sharing the dream. I can only hope and pray this is what actually happened. I hope you don't mind me sharing it with others, it may help them too.)

A lovely woman sent me a letter and I received it today. I won't mention who it is from to protect her privacy, but I I think she knew I needed to hear this. But I will tell you, she was not related to my parents and was not very close to them.  She had a dream about my parents the week they died and wanted to tell me for some time but didn't want to upset me or me think she was crazy or what not. But last week, she was given a sign that she believes, was my Mom telling her to tell me this dream. 

Here is her vivid dream that she had a year ago and it still remains this vivid to her today:

I dreamt that I was in clouds and I saw someone walking toward me. It was your Dad. When I realized who it was, in the dream I said to myself, "Oh my God, that's Jerome, I hope I'm not Dead". He was dressed in all white. White suit coat, white shirt, white tie, white shoes, everything white. He was calling "Pat" and motioning with his hand to "come on". He must have called her at least 5 times. I looked over to my left and saw your Mom lying on a table with her hands folded across her chest. She was in color. She had on jeans and a blue and green flowery top that flared out at the waist. After about the fifth time your Dad called her, she got up and walked over to him. There was a line on the floor. He was on one side and she was on the other. When they were face to face, he then said to her again, "Pat, come on". She looked right at him and said, "Jerome, what about the kids?" He said to her, "the kids will be okay, come on, it's great over here." He then held out his hand. She took his hand and he pulled her over across the line and they walked off together. They never acknowledged me. This is what I saw. 

That was her dream and she also mentioned in her letter that she then believed Mom's last thoughts were about "her kids" just as I had wondered about and wrote on my blog titled "last thoughts".  Maybe that truly was why my Mom hung on for an hour, then Dad came and got her. 

I of course cried as I read the letter to Ted. It seems so true. My Dad always called her Pat. And that's my Mom for ya, worrying about "us kids" and of course, always loved color/floral clothing. But that also breaks my heart if she was worried about us. She loved us so much and knew we needed her. Oh, but wow if I knew this was true how it would bring me so much peace. To know my Dad was okay and said that'd we'd be okay and how great it was up there, and the fact that they are together. I wish I knew this is what really happened. Regardless, for today, it made me sob..........but then made a piece of my heart peaceful. Even if it were just for today. 

I will continue to pray for peace and I thank you for leading me in that direction with your dream. 

And Mom, Dad's right, we'll be okay one day......one day...........I pray and hope...............

In loving memory of my Amazing parents who were killed tomorrow, one year ago. 

I am so nervous to wake up tomorrow. I'm scared to answer the phone. I can hear my Sister's voice. She was terrified. And that call, changed our lives forever.............

In loving memory...4.7.2008.....

This blog was created almost a year ago in loving memory of my Mom and Dad. This upcoming week, I especially will honor their lives. While they only lived a short 50 and 51 years, I truly believe they laughed and had more fun then many who will live a much longer life. With that said, it still does not take the pain away and the fact that we lost two special people in such a tragic way. 

I had 28 years with them as parents and I wish everyday I had them for so many more.....they were simply the best and when I reflect on the past 10 years, I am amazed at how much closer I became with my parents or should I say, I appreciated them so much more and loved being with them. Although Ted and I have lived out of State since College graduation, my Parents came on our journeys with us.  From Chicago to Boston to Plymouth, MA to Cincinnati-they were there. 

My Dad died an amazingly loyal friend, son, brother, brother-in-law and son-in-law, a hilarious and supportive Father, a wonderful cook and gardener and a loving Papa to his Grandson. My Dad was the most non-judgemental person I will ever know and he honestly got along with anybody and everybody. He was known for and will be remembered for his beautiful blue eyes and  hilarious one liners and all of the characteristics that made him such a loving husband to my Mom. I just miss everything about my Dad. 

My Mommy died as the sweetest human being I have ever known. But she will be remembered most for being incredibly supportive, loving, funny, caring, goofy, and beautiful. She held her family together and would have done and did... anything and everything for her siblings, father, father-in-law, grandchild and children. I am so proud to have had a Mother that was so beautiful and funny. We were all so very blessed. I miss our daily phone calls, visits and laughs more then anyone will ever understand. 

They both have left such significant gifts behind and that is the gift of friendship and the importance of family. They have taught us so much. 

I don't t think I will be able to write much next week. Too sad of a week. We all know my entire family will be reliving the nightmare of a week that it was and we'll close our eyes and imagine the unthinkable on 4/7. But I hope on the day, even for a minute, I can remember not the pain of the ending but the love and laughter we shared with them. 

Thank you for continuing to keep my brother Justin, my sister Christina, my nephew Aydan and my Mom and Dad's entire family.....in your prayers.  Please hold any and all memories you personally shared with them, close to your heart but also please never forget what a life lesson this truly has been. Life is too short and you just never know....I certainly did not. 

In loving memory of my Mommy and Dad.....4.7.2008........ I miss you every second and cherish every memory we shared but am haunted by the ending. I just want my Mom and Dad and would do anything to see and hug them one last time.....and to be able to say good-bye.... 

Until we meet again..............

Your daughter, always and forever 

ugh...

While next week will be difficult, everyday is somewhat difficult for me. Like today, I simply lost it. I just held Elle as I cried, cried, cried.  I honestly believe I will 100% never get over the fact of how my parents died. They were killed. They were killed by my brother, their son. The person I grew up with, only two years younger than me. We were raised and treated the same. How could I ever get over this? I think of if that were Ted and I? I cannot even fathom my own child ending our lives? It sounds so unthinkable? But it happened. It happened to my family. 

So, yes next week will be hard...thinking of the day I found out, the long drive home, planning the funeral, attending the funeral and the weeks following. But, there is not an hour that goes by in my day that I cannot help but think how angry and sad I am. My brother. This could have been prevented. We could have saved them. No one in the world saw this coming. 

I understand their is a grieving process and many other people out there in the world have lost people they loved to a tragic event, but when your own brother was the one that was the cause is one of the hardest to handle I believe. And the saddest part is that it really wasn't my brother. My brother wouldn't have done this. Minds and medications are so scary to me. 

I am thankful that today is going to be sunny and warm here in Cincinnati. Ted is landscaping today, I'll go on my 4 mile walk with Elle and my girlfriend Laura and her boyfriend will be down here this afternoon. At least for a few hours, it will be nice to have my mind elsewhere and enjoy friends and a fun dinner outside. 

Linda, how did your daughter get through her tragedy? How did your family overcome it? I remember my Mom telling me when you all were going through that-her heart ached for you all. Now with having my own child, I simply cannot imagine that. Just as I never imagined this to happen. 

Thinking of all of the people out there who have lost people they loved to a tragic event. 

delivery for "sweet melissa"

Flowers didn't always brighten my day. For the past year, I've actually hated flowers. I will never for the rest of my life, forget walking in to see my parents lying in their caskets and smelling that overwhelming smell of flowers. I will never forget that smell for as I long as I live. 

But today, flowers arrived from my girlfriends, and they made me smile but cry at first. I cried one because of the card- they addressed it to "sweet Melissa" two-they were in remembrance of my beautiful parents three-they thought of my family but I mostly cried because of why I got the flowers. How sad and how sad that my friends had to send flowers for this reason, but also how sweet of them and how fortunate I am to continue to call them my friends. 

I can't imagine life without girlfriends.  (just as I couldn't imagine life without parents prior to this) While they may never understand fully what I am going through, they sure do everything they can to make me smile and get through this. as best as possible. And most importantly, they remember. My parents would be so thankful. 

Mom and Dad- you were enjoying your last week on Earth this time last year. We are all missing you more then ever. Help us get past the terrible thoughts of the tragedy on 4/7 and let us remember your beautiful smiling faces. I am so sorry life ended this way for you. We sure weren't ready to lose you. 

Much love......

Melissa

April has arrived

So it has arrived-the month of April and there's really not much I or any of my family members can do about it.  We're all dreading it.  This month is an incredibly difficult month and the events continue to last through June. Not only do we have to suffer through 4/7, April is also the month of my Mother's birthday (she'd be a young 52 this year-gosh that frustrates me. Couldn't she at least been 60?), and Justin's birthday. May is Mother's Day (thankfully, I'm a Mother this year AND we're getting Elle baptized that day AND our 6 year anniversary) then on to June......Father's Day and my Dad's birthday.  I just feel this is a never ending cycle of days/events/celebrations that we have to "get through". 

I don't want life to fly by any faster then it already has but that is how I feel right now, I do want these next three months to fly by. I don't know why, it doesn't change anything.   I guess what I dread the most is feeling the way I did the week of 4/7 as I did last year. It was an unexplainable feeling. A feeling of numbness. I was pretending I was okay and that "I''d get through this" its easy to think that when your surrounded by 800 people. 

But to my brighten my day, I took out Elle's hat box (all made by Aunt Lisa) and took some pics.

I wish my Mom was here to see these! Oh, how she'd love her! She would be showing her off to all of her many, many friends.....