My new toy

Other than coming to terms with spending Christmas without my parents, Christmas was very good to me. Ted decided to spoil me and give me lots to do on my maternity leave. My latest toy is my computer that he picked out. I finally have a desktop of my own as opposed to a work lab top. Main reason for getting a MAC is all of the photo capabilities and we all know how much I love my photos.... With a new camera, new computer oh and a new baby on the way, I will have plenty to do during my 3 month leave. Gosh how my family and friends will be so annoyed of the overflow of pictures they are about to receive... But I must continue my Mom's love for pictures. She documented every year of her life, our life....and the pictures she has left behind have helped me a great deal. They've taken me back and allowed me to reflect on the wonderful times, not just the sad ending.  I've said this before, but Mom printed pictures immediately. If I took good ones on my camera while visiting, she'd make me drive her up to Target so I would get them printed for her. Then she usually made a little album or scrapbook.  

I went out yesterday and picked out this perfect little desk and chair from West Elm, which fits perfectly in our guest bedroom. Decided it would be best to keep my desk separate from Ted's office. Plus it's such a small footprint, it will be nice to have for guests when they stay with us. And we hope to have lots of guests this upcoming year. 

If anyone is a whiz out there on Mac computers, let me know! I would love to become a pro at this and take advantage of all it has to offer. 

Today I went to my weekly doctors appointment and everything is fine. I'm dilated a centimeter and she has dropped but we're hoping she stays in there for another 4 weeks! We'll see......

Tomorrow is New Years Eve, another one of Mom and Dad's favorite celebrations. Always celebrated in Harrison, MI. Ted and I have spent a few NYE's up-north, the millennium was actually spent with just Ted and I along with my brother while my parents attended their annual party. Then one year recently, our friends Melissa and Nick came up with us and we had a great time. My parents took us around to all the local bars and we ended with a fun dinner and champagne back at the house. 

This year has certainly flew by and I couldn't be happier to say good-bye to 2008. However, it also means the last time I saw my parents is becoming further and further away....sooner or later, it will be an entire year that has gone by....that's hard to swallow. 

I'm okay

So I survived Christmas. "big deal" I say to myself. One Christmas....I still have many, many more to get through as the years go on. Each of them, I will wish they were here.

Of course I was okay being surrounded by other family and friends, of course I was okay eating wonderful food, of course I was okay watching Aydan and Christina open their presents, of course I was okay on the party bus for Ted's surprise 30th birthday party, and of course I was okay being spoiled by everyone with all of the wonderful, generous gifts I received but I was not okay when I would catch a glimpse of the photo my Sister had on her counter of Mom and Dad with her angel ornament hanging on the corner. I was not okay during Christmas eve mass when everyone was singing Christmas Carols and being thankful they were together with their loved ones, I was not okay making the drive through Allen Park Christmas morning only to pass by their street and continued on our way to Wyandotte to see Grandpa. And I was not okay when I got back to Cincinnati today after a week with family and friends...only to realize the sadness is still there. They're still gone forever and I have to continue to celebrate these Holidays without them. I write I was not okay, where I should just say, I was just really bummed. Of course I'm okay...I'm here, I'm healthy, I laugh and smile and eat lots of chocolate, but I swear you'd never know I was almost 30 years old the way I can cry for my Mother (and Dad too..of course). I was upstairs a few hours ago just crying, "I miss my Mommy". Ted and Gracie came to the rescue but it's amazing to me how I've been so independent since graduating from College-many moves-new homes-new positions-new friends- yet was still such a Mommy's girl. I'm still that person...especially now with having a child of my own on the way, I want my my Mommy.

Your own Mother never judges, will listen to anything and everything and will be there anytime day or night. My Sister and I were too young to lose this. And tonight, I'm just bummed. We'll go on of course, we have no choice. We'll succeed and continue to cherish the relationships we have with our dear family and friends, but our hearts will continue to ache for our parents. We just really, really miss them and not time or a miracle will ever make that go away.

Thank you to my Family and friends for surrounding me this Christmas with love and laughter. The cards, emails, phone calls, text messages and hugs were so appreciated.

Now for another week off of work which will be filled with preparation for the Baby's ARRIVAL! It's hard to believe it could happen any day even though my due date is 4 week away......

I pray Mom and Dad that you continue to watch over me and are proud of my strength as we all await for miss E.P.C to arrive.....I'm so sorry you are missing this but hopefully you are getting glimpses. I hope, hope, hope..........and pray, pray, pray.......

Me and Grandpa Olszowy on Christmas Day:

A different celebration

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow........Michigan has plenty of it so a White Christmas is not something anyone will be dreaming of or wishing for...as we got it. We will officially have a White Christmas. (Mom wouldn't want it any other way.....Dad would have huffed due to the shoveling involved at both his house and his Dad's)..

So I've gotten into the spirit as best as possible. I've shopped (a lot), wrapped presents, listened to Christmas music and even decorated Christmas cookies. All while still feeling the absence of my parents around or to call or to visit....

It's just not the same. The second I think I am having a really nice time, all I do is think of them and the hurt and sadness comes instantly.

Ted's 30th surprise birthday went off without a hitch on Saturday. He walked into his parents house to a kitchen filled with his friends, food, cake and a champagne toast read by Josh. We took off in a 20 person party bus with a 225 picture slide show of Ted, family and friends. I of course had a bunch of him with Mom or Dad that were included. I played it to some special music and everyone seemed to enjoy the photos. It's amazing the photos Ted and I have from all of our adventures since being married.

Tomorrow, my Sister is hosting a Christmas Eve brunch with Ted and I along with Ted's parents and his brother Tom. I cannot wait to spoil Christina and Aydan with gifts even though we said this would be a light Christmas. I just want to see the smiles on their faces so it's worth it to me.
I know gifts are not what Christmas is about at all, especially in a year such as this. But I have to say, my Sister and I have inherited the love for giving (and receiving-haha) from my Mother. So that is all we know....

In the evening, we will go to 5 o'clock mass and then back to the Close's with his immediate family, Aunt Mary, Melissa and Nick. We'll enjoy a fabulous dinner cooked by Cindy; Filet and Lobster Tail and then we'll settle by the fire and tree for some of the gift exchanging. Christmas day we'll wake up to Monkey Bread and a living room so filled with gifts that you can barely walk. I would normally head out to Mom and Dad's to help them get ready for the Christmas dinner and party, but this year Ted and I will head to Grandpa's like I did growing up. A different schedule, different traditions....a different Christmas...

I hope everyone enjoys Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with their families and friends.

Thank you for your continued prayers and thoughts for my Mom, Dad, brother an our entire family.

Merry Christmas Mom, Dad and Justin. I love you all and miss you more then you will ever know........

A Merry Christmas....

Well, it's time....it's time for me to head back to Michigan, to celebrate Christmas. An entirely different Christmas spent without Mom and Dad. It definitely doesn't feel the same. Wow, how so much has changed since last year. I couldn't wait for the day that it was time to head home for the Holidays. Now, it just makes me sad to think of what lies ahead in the next week. I know my Mom's Dad is dreading Christmas but he would he never say a word to us. His Patty would go with him to do all of his Christmas shopping. Grandpa even had to call me today to ask what size Aydan wore. It was almost difficult to answer him as I know it's a struggle for him to even ask me those questions as we both know we'd never even have this conversation if Mom was still here.

We'll all put our smiling faces on for Christmas Day at Aunt Kim's and we'll hug each other a little tighter, missing the sounds of their laughter and the taste of their food and mainly their presence in our lives. I must sound so repetitive, but it still seems so surreal to me that they won't be there.

I do have a lot to look forward to over the next two weeks. First off, I am so lucky my company shuts down (yeah for a privately owned family company!) for 2 weeks. We have the annual Christmas party planned for Saturday with our best pals, dinner with College girlfriends, Christmas Eve brunch at Christina and Matt's, watching Aydan open up presents, the traditional Christmas eve mass and dinner at Ted's parents with his family and our friends Mel and Nick, waking up at the Close's Christmas morning, Christmas lunch with Grandpa Olszowy, Cousin Jessica, Uncle Stan and Aunt Linda and Christmas dinner at Aunt Kim's with all of Mom's immediate family (we'll miss you Aunt Lisa!).

I probably won't get through Silent night at church (usually my favorite Christmas Carol especially when they dim the lights) without tears for my parents and my brother as he sits alone waiting for the cart to come by with his dinner. All I can do is pray for peace and have hope that the new year will bring some closure when my brother is placed and great happiness when the little one arrives.

In loving memory of my Mother and Father who are missed everyday. Merry Christmas Mommy and Dad, the first without you.........help us get through it-wow, you'll be missed. Let's remember last year.......you loved the comfy robe I got you, we surprised Dad with the flat screen TV, we made our Egg Nog Martini's Christmas evening and played cards while I belted out Christmas songs to make you laugh....

My family:
Papa and Aydan:

Mom and Missy-in our red and green

Christina and Mom at Christmas eve brunch:

Gracie the red nose bulldog

last thoughts

I wondered today what my Mom and Dad's last thoughts were before they took their last breath. Thankfully my Dad probably didn't have any since there was no time, but I do hope he had glimpses of his short, yet wonderful 51 years with his friends, family and 3 children and wasn't able to focus on one of his own children, who he cared for all of his life, was the one who ended it all.

Mom on the other hand had over an hour to think. I know my Mom well and it was a sad hour. I think she was probably thinking how will my girls go on? They're so young, Christina needs my help with Aydan and Melissa-she is so independent yet more of a Mommy's girl than a 5 year old. Who will she call 5 times a day? Who will she cry and laugh too? Oh my god and who will walk Christina down the aisle? Who will take care of my Dad and Jerome's Dad? Who will take Brandy? Will our family keep in touch with my girls-will they have no one?

My Mom was such a loving and caring individual and she cried over everything, so I know for a fact if there could be tears where she is at, she would cry right with us.

Although, I think all of those thoughts went through my Mom's mind as she began to die, I actually hope they didn't. I hope there were no worries about Christina and I because if she did have time to think about us and Aydan and her family, that would have been worst torture then what she had just experienced. The worst thought for me would be knowing they knew their own Son who lived with them for 26 years did this. Mom was Justin's best friend. It has to be a mistake she would think to herself.

What happened is so unbearable you find yourself replaying it over and over and over and picturing how you yourself would handle this if you left your children behind parent-less. Even on happy days when everything else is actually going quite perfectly. A dark cloud comes over and reminds you of what has happened this year and that you cannot pick up the phone to call your Mom, Dad or Brother because they are gone.........two have went to somewhere wonderful and peaceful I pray and one is basically living in "hell on earth" right now... if there is such a place.

If you can worry where ever you are, I hope you don't about Christina and I. I know we will be "okay", never perfect or as happy as we could have been, but we will somehow manage to move forward, missing you every step of the way on our journey, our new life... without you in it, saying "wish you were here" for every major milestone to come and actually, any regular day. But you'll always be incorporated into our lives and I can tell you one thing that's for certain, my daughter will know exactly who the two of you are and they will know who Justin is too, even if it's just through family videos, pictures and stories.

Sure the story at the end will sadden her and make her question everything, but the story I tell her about the 28 years that I did have with you both, will make her smile and say, "now it all makes sense... why you're the Mom you are". (I sure hope....)

Love always,

your daughter

I miss them

I feel badly for how I used to judge depression. When I would talk to my Mom about it if she was talking about a friend or family member who was suffering from it, I would be really insensitive. "why don't they try working out, or a new hobby before turning to meds?" How can they be so sad and depressed?

I wouldn't say I'm suffering from depression, but if there were a disease for missing two people so much, I clearly would be diagnosed. I've missed people before and I miss people now; friends and family when we lived further than 4 hours away and still miss my family and friends no matter what the distance is, Ted if he is traveling over a few days, Gracie girl-when Ted and I go on vacation and leave her with his parents but never have missed anyone this badly-due to a death. And missing someone that is gone is really difficult because you feel there is no end in sight. They aren't coming home, you don't get to see them when they get back from vacation and you certainly don't get to talk to them again, at least in this current lifetime.

Parents come up constantly, especially when you're pregnant. At the Christmas party we attended last night, we met a couple's parents that we've gotten to know through our neighbors. The parents were really sweet and asking so many questions about the upcoming arrival but of course, asking me how excited are my parents? And what are my plans for the Holidays? Where do my parents live? Where do Ted's parents live? You basically have to lie or try your best to change the subject. You certainly cannot belt out in the middle of the Christmas party, "my parents were killed in April by my brother so I know longer have parents". That would have went over well. Great conversation starter or end-er I should I say.
I'm just so sad, jealous, angry that "my moments and memories" are done with my parents. Everything from April on of this year excludes them. I'm still so young and my Sister is even younger. My Mom's Mom died in her very early 50's as well, in April too, but like I said my Mom had us all quite early so all of us kids spent many years with Grandma. Many Christmases, many sleepovers, many memories. Her Mom at least got to meet all of us and know us very well. Same with my Dad's Mom, we got to spend many years with her as we were younger.

I just miss them, I could yell it so loud...type it 1,000 times, cry my little eyes out, tell everyone I know........but it doesn't change a thing.

Ted never got to meet his Dad's Dad and didn't spend a ton of time with his Mom's parents so I know he was so excited that we would one day have two sets of Grandparents who knew what it meant to be a grandparent and were close enough in distance to be a huge part of their lives. They were young and weren't going anywhere anytime soon. No MS, or Diabetes, or Cancer or old age, we would have two sets of amazing grandparents for our kids one day. We never in a million years thought my young, loving parents who were just mastering the grandparent skills-just being themselves, would be gone when it was time for me to be pregnant with our first.

To not be able to share your beautiful child with your parents, who you loved so much and were so close with, is about one of the worst scenarios I can think of. I know I cannot wait to meet this little girl, but I can just hear my Mom's excitement when I close my eyes as I near my due date, and can also hear Dad yelling in the background, "I hope she gives you as much shit as you gave us!...but...we loved you anyway Melissa whiner". It hurts, it stabs you in the heart, but... you think of the good- the wonderful family and friends you still have and have always had- but will I set my expectations too high? Will I always compare? What it could have been like, what it should have been like? I sure hope not.....as that is not fair to anyone.....

a clean house and a Christmas party

Our new cleaning lady is coming today. We've only had the house cleaned once professionally and it honestly, was the nicest thing ever. Everything was spotless from the moldings that you generally would clean once a year to the sink being sparkly to the showers being 100% cleaned not just spot cleaned how I usually would do it. I actually don't mind cleaning again ever since I came back from my 4 month hiatus of anything normal... but with the baby coming, we want the house really clean and to take something off our plates.

Last night was date night. We usually are the first to make plans around lunchtime on Friday to see who is available for dinner. But last night we went to the bookstore to pick up a few more gifts and made reservations for two at a nice Italian restaurant, Bella Luna. Just Ted and I. But I made a mistake and ate way too much. When your pregnant, there is not as much room in there but I still eat like I normally would. Appetizer, Salad, homemade gnocchi, decaf cappuccino, and of course, dessert.....I literally waddled out of the restaurant, un-buttoning my maternity jeans when I sat in the driver seat. I must have said, "I'm so full" until about 11 at night. Big mistake and I need to learn how to eat smaller portions more frequently!

We have our first Christmas party at our neighbors house across the street tonight. I'm planning to go over there to help her cook and get ready for the party later this afternoon. She is also expecting, which is going to be so much fun and I know when I was early on in my pregnancy- you're a little more tired then usual. She is due in the beginning of June so I cannot wait to be stroller buddies with her! They knew my Dad and Mom from visiting us in Cincinnati. My Dad would always yell over hello and wave as they took their dog out, as Dad was watering the lawn or what not. They also hung out on the porch with my Mom and Dad one night pretty late, so late that I even took off for sleep. And it was my 28th birthday! They were so much fun and just got along with everyone. I really miss that.

So back to this bookstore....Joesph-Beth Bookstore is a classic in the Cincinnati area. It is locally owned and blows away Borders by a long shot. I could have spent hours in there but Ted was rushing me. I could have found a gift for everyone on my list (how boring they would think-books?) but there was a book for everyone! The cook, the dog lover, the mom, the traveler, grandparents.....there was just so many. And the gifts they had there were adorable; Christmas decor, journals, photo books, and the cards were out of this world and I was regretting not getting my yearly Christmas cards from there. I think I'll go back there tomorrow and spend some time in that place. We did buy Aydan this really cool book, "12 dogs for Christmas" that is also a touch and feel book where parts are fuzzy or soft and some dogs you can feel their nose. They of course had an English Bulldog puppy as one of the dogs so it was an instant purchase for me.

I'm looking forward to turning my Christmas tree lights on in my clean house tonight and to head across the street for a festive night of food, non-alcoholic spirits, friends and a little karaoke. Oh yes, they rent a karaoke machine. The Christmas season is officially here whether I want it to be or not.....

my brother

I limit how much I talk about Justin on my blog for legal and privacy reasons, but it's hard to not write about it because it's on my mind constantly. Especially now with the trial approaching.

I want him safe but placed somewhere for a very long time-life is such a strong word and a hard one for me to write. There are no guarantees. He was not in his right mind and doctors may feel they can rehabilitate him. My Parents were his caretakers and the two people that loved him the most, and they are now gone. I worry about what will happen, where he will go should he get out in 2, 5, 25, 30 years. My family has suffered enough and you would think that part of the equation would just be taken care of but I have a feeling, my Sister and I will be dealing with this for the rest of our lives.

It's tough because everyone has their own opinions about the situation and what would best for our safety. But I know for a fact my Sister and I don't have the heart to cut all ties where ever he is placed, so there are just so many unknowns. If he did this in his right mind, it would be a lot easier to say good-bye. No one knows what it's like when you're dealing with your own flesh and blood being responsible for the death of your parents. It's an indescribable feeling... it brings you to tears when you look at photos when this child was first born as Mom held him. The happiness he brought. Him and I riding a bike together. Justin on Dad's shoulders at a ball game. Justin and his many football and baseball team photos. Reading through his middle school report cards, "a shy but very bright student" his one teacher commented. And then pictures from last Christmas. Everything was fine. I even had him try a few sips of a Mimosa at Christmas Eve brunch. Justin didn't drink. Of course, like every teenager, he went through a phase and that was that.

Unfortunately, this case has brought me to one single opinion....I hate medications-they scare me now and I believe, the cause of this tragedy was too many, too little or not the right amount of whatever medications he was on or getting off of. My parents weren't experts, either was I. I would give them advice when I would call but what right did I have? I had no idea the risks, side effects and mind games that come along with these scary drugs.

I want my Sister and I to be able to live our lives, but I cannot pretend my brother does not exist and that the State will just care for him for life. It's not that easy and not at all true or a sure thing. We love my brother and I feel like my Mom and Dad are saying to me, "keep him safe" but I know many others are hearing Mom and Dad say "keep him away". Money plays into this too. For him to be cared for in a medical facility for life is very expensive to a State so if they can rehabilitate him and have him released, why wouldn't that be their goal?

It's too much to think about right now. Let's get through Christmas, let's get through the trial, let me have a healthy baby in the middle of this, then let's worry about the future.

One day at a time is how we need to approach this.....but it's easier said then done.

I am thankful for the continued prayers for my Family, my brother included.

Missy and Me

Mom and Dad came down to Cincinnati for the very last time in February-I wish I would have known it was going to be their last visit ever. I am still in shock that a little over a month and 1/2 after their visit, they were gone.

I loved when they came down even though I drove them crazy with my freezing house and the comments of "take your shoes off" and my constant cleaning. How I regret being annoying to them, but I think they knew that was just their daughter. Mom and Dad came in and made themselves at home. They knew where the grocery store was and would buy a few things since our fridge was generally empty. They'd drive to Kentucky to add a bottle of Wine to our empty wine cooler that we "had to have" and Dad would fill our ice trays which for those that know my Dad, a pet peeve of his was empty ice trays. They would yell "gross" as they opened up our fridge and found interesting things in the way back that had been left in the fridge for too long. But they weren't those overbearing type of parents that came to visit to pick at everything you were doing wrong. They were so much fun and were more like friends now that Ted and I had been married for a while, clearly were 100% independent and frankly, didn't have to ask my parents for money since graduating from College, so they felt proud and relieved that their daughter was happy, grown up and they could come and visit for fun and help out if we needed it.

Last time they were here we went out to dinner and Mom and I came back and made one round of fun chocolate martinis. She wrote on the back of this picture that my Sister found at the house, "Missy and Me..Cincy 2/08".
We finished the weekend at the movies, Ted and Dad went to the bar....had too much fun and I was giving my Dad and Ted grief when we picked them up because we were suppose to go running on Sunday morning and clearly the condition that Ted and Dad were in- running was out of the question for Sunday. So Mom and I cracked open some Chardonnay and had a glass ourselves.

I miss having them in our lives. I want to call them and say, "come down for a visit" or they would just invite themselves.....they'd stay for a minimum of 4 nights and made themselves right at home. Dad would drive up to Buffalo wild wings for lunch and play his game-NTN and come back with a stack of napkins for my counter, just to annoy me. The napkins became a joke. I tend to get anxiety if too much stuff is on my counter so he would purposely do it to get a rise out of me.

I said to my Sister today when we were talking, "when I talked to Mom". She paused and said how weird that sounded. I was referring to how much I miss calling Mom to tak about her. She said, haha and said she still goes to the phone to call my Mom. Oh, Mom would know the answer to this or oh, I have to call Mom to tell her this. But Mom is gone and it sucks and we only have each other to call.

No one can ever fill the void of a Mother, but I do my best to be there for her like my Mom was but it's very, very difficult. Although, I am independent and on my own...I still needed my Mommy more then ever and I know that is true x's 10 for my Sister and Aydan.

She was the greatest Mom in the World and I wish I told her more often. I hope she hears me now. And from the looks of this picture Mom, we were both in our socks and I think we may have been the same height. I always thought I was taller...

wrapping paper

This weekend was another one spent in Cincinnati, which have been rare over the past 8 months. We had a great dinner Friday night with a new couple we are just getting to know who also happens to be expecting their first child. She is due in two weeks and looks fabulous. They invited us over to their home after dinner and we "played" with their stroller that was set up, which ended up being the one we bought today. So it's a bit extreme, my Mom would say, or actually she would say, "you spent what?!!!!" but honestly, for how active we are and how much we like to be on the go, a good stroller was critical to us. And Ted likes that it's not super girly (apparently, he has not seen the car seat that will go in the stroller for the 1st few months)...think "pink everywhere".





Saturday was spent all day at the hospital...no, no...not early labor. Just attending a childbirth prep class. Needless to say, I didn't leave knowing much more then I already knew, it was quite enjoyable watching Ted get a glimpse of what he is in for come delivery time. I already know...it's going to hurt like no other pain ever felt and it's not going to be pretty but the reward you receive after you make it through is worth anything I saw those ladies in the video go through. But I will say, I am a tad nervous for it all. I am thankful for my girlfriends and family that have let me ask them all of the questions....lately. Thank you for your honesty!





In the evening, we met one of our favorite couples to hang with, Todd and Sarah for a nice dinner.....dessert, port and all....it was a festive dinner with friends. The restaurant was packed after a busy day of shopping at the nearby mall. There were lights and soft Christmas music playing in the background. Mom and Dad were always on my mind, the images and thoughts come and go....but I am able to appreciate all of these times spent with Ted and my friends.





Today, we did a little more to the baby room. Ted hung up her picture frames above the changing table and we got her closet closer and closer to organization. We got "the stroller" and that will be here in 6 weeks or so. Mom's tree has been up since last week and I even started wrapping presents today with the wrapping paper she left behind at her house, unopened, waiting to be used this Christmas. Thanks Mom, you were always prepared and I'm even using your gift tags.





I continue to pray to my parents to "get my Sister and I through the Holidays without them".





Not that I would want anyone else to be in my shoes, but I sometimes wonder what my other family members or friends would do. How would their Christmas be spent without their parents and brother, could they smile? how would they handle new traditions? I hope I am doing the right things, but I can only do the best I can and I honestly continue to be proud of myself but know I have a long road ahead of me.....


You are missed so much and I am most sad for what you will also miss come January. It still seems strange you won't be here to meet her. She is our faith...

where has the time gone?

It's so hard to believe that I have not seen my Parents or brother in over 8 months. It seems like yesterday and I still cannot believe it. I've made it through (somehow) Mom and Justin's Birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Dad's Birthday, 4th of July, my Birthday, their anniversary, my Baby shower, Thanksgiving...and now I have to get through Christmas.

This month is exceptionally hard because all of my friends and co-workers conversations are around what we are doing for the Holidays. Normally my response would be, oh I will spend my two weeks off (SC Johnson is the best and we get two full weeks off this year that does not count against our vacation) traveling back and forth from Mom and Dad's to the Close's, we'll have a Christmas party, Mom and I will go shopping, etc, etc. I now almost have nothing to add. Of course I have plans for the Holidays with my Sister and Ted's family and all of my friends but it's just not the same when your immediate family has been torn apart, you almost feel awkward talking about your plans for the Holidays. I feel left out because I don't have my Parents house any longer to go home to. But we are certainly making plans.....I have always been polly planner from vacations to dinners to girls weekends to Holiday functions.....I like to take the lead and make plans! I think when I get back to MI on December 19th, I have something to do almost every night. We were able to work through my Sister's Christmas schedule and her, Matt and Aydan are hosting a Christmas Eve brunch. It was so much fun last year. Mom, Dad and Justin came.....Ted and I were there....Christina and Matt made yummy food, we drank Mimosas, we exchanged gifts, and we took our last full family photo with Justin included by Christina and Matt's beautifully decorated Christmas tree.

This year will be so different. My list to buy for and visit has shortened and my love for all things Christmas has decreased dramatically. But I am trying my hardest to "get in the spirit". I am trying really, really hard. Mainly for my family and friends. They don't want to be around someone that is depressed and down but when everyone is smiling, laughing and having fun (as they should), my heartaches that my Parents are not here and I can't help but feel a little angry.

Although the New Year is going to bring Ted and I much needed joy with the little one (how exciting-a little girl- still cannot believe it), but my brother's trial is right after the New Year. Thank you very much. My Sister has to take stand and I feel terrible for her. I'm thankful I have stayed out of this as best as possible, because I could not handle attending the trial. Some of my family members have been so incredibly supportive and are taking work off to be there to support her. It will be a tough day and my hope and wish for the New Year is for my brother to be placed, somewhere safe, so he can also begin healing. We all want to heal.

So in the spirit of Christmas, Ted and I will try and get some shopping done tonight and go to a nice dinner. We re-scheduled infant CPR for another day since we did just dreadfully sit through a few hours of breastfeeding 101 last night and have a full day of childbirth education on Saturday. Since I won't have my Mom to call at 2am, I'm certainly going to need this class! Although I am certain my Sister and the other women in my life would not mind the call. :-)

I want to shop with you Mom and hear about what amazing Christmas cookie you're trying new this year or how Dad froze outside putting the lights up outside... I pray I have the relationship with my daughter that we had. Although, she could leave out the snotty attitude at times, and telling me what to do.......but I'll take just about everything else. Oh, and any trouble I caused you and Dad, she doesn't have to repeat that either.

I cannot think of a title today

That darn song. It's #2 on my CD that I religiously listen to on the way to work and I always skip over it, on purpose of course. Today while I was driving home, I said fine I will listen to it. I will be fine...deep breathe. The second it said "sweet Melissa", I started balling. And then I scream and yell and say did this really happen, are you really gone, and anything else that I can think of........when I listen to that song, I literally can picture my Dad and I dancing and it instantly brings me back to the few times where he would leave the song on my voicemail, even years after the wedding.......
That songs makes me say, "this simply just sucks".

We put out my Mom's Christmas decorations Sunday night and put up her tree. Pat & Jerome stockings are also hung that my Aunt Lisa knitted 20+ years ago. I always thought Mom's house was over decorated for Christmas but now I so appreciate her spirit and love for the Holidays. All of these things really make my house more of a home. It was interesting, the very first ornament I pulled out of her very neat organized box, was one that said Plymouth, MA. Their most favorite place out of the three States we have lived in. Then of course I came across, baby's first Christmas for all three of us kids and things with our names on it. All very sad, because like with anything I have received, I was not ready to get these this early and it saddens me thinking how many more years, decades that had to live! It's really frustrating.

It's the little things that make me happy these days like coming home to another homemade meal after work to my co-worker surprising me today with pumpkin chocolate cake for winning my award, to talking to my Sister and her telling me Aydan got "green" today at school. Green is good, Red is bad..... :-)

Tomorrow, Ted and I officially start to learn how to be parents (watch out people-I cannot even boil an egg, I'm serious-ask Mom and Dad). We first are meeting with the Pediatrician, which I actually have a ton of questions for which is rare for me.....I never have anything to ask at my Doctor appointments...I probably should...
Then we are off to the hospital that I will deliver at for breastfeeding class. Ted is still wondering why he is going to this but apparently he has a role.

I miss calling you Mom, I never realized how bored I was at night until I did not have you to call any longer. I could just call you for absolutely no reason. You'd sit on the phone and say how you'd really like to get back to your movie or favorite TV show and finally after 20 minutes, I would say...fine......I'll let you go. Some people my age get caught up in life-which is easy to do and their busy careers or children and honestly, I would always find the time to call. almost everyday if not twice and I am so thankful I did. No matter how busy work or my life may have been, I never put my family or friends on hold and I hope I never, ever do.....