my live interview to share A Healing Heart

My interview live on Fox 2 news went exactly as I had hoped and prayed about! Almost losing it several times, I kept my composure and talked about grieving, my relationship with my Parents and how inner strength allows me to get out of bed each and every day with such significant loss. I was pleased with the questions, loved the flow of the pictures (not all were played that I submitted and felt bad my Sister wasn't in them) and thought the reporter was so incredibly sweet and sensitive. The second we went off camera, tears rolled down her cheeks, and she just continued to say how sad this was. We were a normal family and even with my brother having some mental illness, he didn't cause any big troubles or drama in our lives. It was the ultimate shock. Although I never talked about it live or even in the book, but I continue to be saddened with all my Sister saw and went through and wish I could have been there with her. I wonder where I would be today if I did see all she saw? I honestly don't think I could have handled seeing my Mother, talking to the police and walking into my childhood home with everything as they left it before they were killed. These are the toughest moments imaginable.

Who knows what's next in store for A healing heart.....but one thing is for certain, my Parents memory will always be alive in the pages of the book and now I can leave this behind for my Family. My own legacy and story to share with my loved ones. Aydan will remember some and how much he misses Gamma and Papa but sadly, Elle will only know them through me, pictures and stories but she too will get a glimpse through the book on how special they were and the meaning of unconditional love. I will miss it for the rest of my life. And no one will ever replace that love or void. I hope others will read and maybe even just for a moment will understand the deep pain and sadness one may feel after such a tremendous loss of loved ones. And maybe they will live better lives because of it and will stop sweating the small stuff and complaining about things that are not life altering. But I know this is hard, we all get caught up in our own lives. I bite my tongue.......but I am not perfect just as I walked into my house full of dust today griping why on Earth did we ever start this project. I am so sick of eating out and Miss Elle misses her steamed spinach........

I thank my friends, family, and the Close family for watching the interview, supporting the book and being together for some fun Saturday evening.......their memory lives on through all of us.

Melissa

pictures from my weekend in Michigan

Ugh....I have to take down the picture Dad hung in my living room and the shelving he put up. I remember griping when he originally did them "They're too high", I complained yet I only trusted my Dad to hang up anything back then. It was his thing.....the two homes we have lived in....he always hung up the pictures, shelves, etc.....I miss having him around and while I am so excited that we are renovating our first floor and will have a big open kitchen and entertaining area, I am saddened I had to take down some of the things they helped us with. And it bums me out the most they won't be here to see it and to enjoy with us. Everything in the house reminds me of Mom and Dad. The Pottery Barn rug in my living room for instance, Mom and I picked it out at the outlets about 3 years ago....the thing weighed over 200 lbs and we somehow managed to get it in my car and we had a heck of a time putting it in the living room. My Dad didn't understand that rugs go under the furniture so we kept messing with it until we got it right. We frustrated him. I think that's about when him and ted left to make themselves a drink. It was so much fun having them around. They were more like friends at this stage in our lives and I could nag them. The best part.

My Grandpa O. has been gone for a year.....on Saturday, one year ago, he joined my Parents and his wife and most of his family up in Heaven. I wonder who greeted him. I could see my Mom, Dad and Gramma....all holding hands welcoming him.....and maybe wishing we were all up there. I miss my Grandfather. After my parents passed away, I still had him.....I would go over there when I was back in MI and sit with him, do puzzles, bring him food like I always used to do....my Father was raised in this home......it was peaceful for me to be with him. But I knew once my parents were gone, he would never be the same. And I was right.....his health and independence went South......once he was put into a hospital for 24 hour care, I knew he wouldn't last long. I will never forget when my Sister and I went to see him which was the last time I ever saw my Grandpa. He looked terrible. I hugged him and I was in shock. I couldn't believe the drastic change he went through. The tall, strong, man who greeted me for 29 years of my life at his front door, was dying. And another piece of childhood was lifted away and I felt even more alone.............He was ninety, it was time. But after losing so much, I was hanging on to anything left of my parents and I didn't want to see anyone else go.

I thought tonight as I often do about future milestones, birthdays, and holidays and just general good things happening to us in life and thinking will they ever be "great" again (for me)? For me, family completes all of those things. Friends, your only family (husband and children), your parents, grandparents, aunt and uncles are all important factors to your life and even more so as you get older. I miss that closeness I once I had and I will miss it for the rest of my life......

Getting anxious for the weekend to share my book with close friends and family and more nervous then anything to share my book LIVE on Fox 2 news Saturday morning at 8:45am. Please tune in to watch it if you live in MI. The only way I agreed to do it was that the focus of the segment was not the day my parents died and that it was around the book and the continued journey of healing. I know I can do this.....as I have said to my husband and friends, I've already been through the scariest most traumatic thing imaginable, I can certainly handle talking about the book and the heartache. I know my parents would be proud. They always were.

a sunny Fall weekend

A beautiful Fall weekend at home with visitors......it was a tad warm for early October however we enjoyed having 3 full days of Sun and warmth knowing that cold weather is just around the corner. Our friends, who are more family then friends really, came to visit us for the weekend with their daughter. It's strange now both having children........life has really flown by and you think of what your close friends and you have been through from College to your wedding to your first jobs and moving out of State.....then you think of things that you'd never in a million years do with a close friend...like pick out your Mother's dress that she would wear to her funeral..... Heartbreaking moments yet beautiful moments like sharing your daughter with your friends and continued memories during the Holidays and fun getaways on the weekends.......with having such a small family, we rely on our friends even more.....we hope they are a part of our lives until we grow old..........I watched my parents cherish their friendships and make them a priority.........I intend to do the same and I am so thankful my parents had good friends. People that cared about them and their family so much......they were lucky......and I know many of my parents friends were overwhelmed with sadness when they died......I will never forget at the viewing watching the hundreds and hundreds of people pile in to pay their respects to my parents.......it was overwhelming watching people's reactions......that was the hardest day of my life...........ugh..........Fall makes me miss my family even more-I know the Holidays are near.....and Mom and Dad always came down around Fall time.... and also missing all of my friends that live throughout the US....wishing I could share a nice Fall weekend with all of them too..........I miss you all.

Washington DC

A wonderful weekend with such fantastic friends and hosts. Incredible food, drinks, hanging out and sites throughout DC......I enjoyed walking around Molly and Brian's neighborhood the most in Alexandria, VA and also LOVED seeing the White house....Elle was such a great traveler and it was good to spend time and visit places with the three of us......While I continue to be saddened without my immediate family together, I am so thankful for the friendships we have and the places we continue to visit and add to the memory bank. I miss my Family so much and would have loved to share this fun visit we had with them...I would have had to get Mom a thimble and Dad a shot glass of course. Mom would have gotten a kick out of us visiting the white house and the world war II memorial. She loved this stuff.......I missed my parents badly on Sunday as we were traveling back from a great weekend. I missed my brother too. And my Grandfather, on October 16th, will have been gone for a year.... So much loss for our family and there are moments I feel overwhelmed with all of this....

And then I looked ahead and saw someone who has come into my life 6 months ago or so and has given me some hope and understanding for what I am dealing with. My therapist. She is so put together and lovely looking and when I called her name she ran over with such great excitement to actually meet my husband and daughter. She was in awe as she has heard so much about them. She continued to pat my shoulder and call me kiddo. And how much she looks forward to seeing me again soon and how it's always good to see me........she's awesome......and it allowed me to take a deep breathe as she often reminds me to do, recognize the sadness, feel it and acknowledge how badly this sucks....and then...keep going positively if I can. There will always be such waves of emotion with something this tragic and I so appreciate that she helps me understand this. It's not going away....but it's important that I don't get stuck as so many others would....and do......it's an every day fight. And I know in my heart I'll win but my life will never be the same.... I am still so lucky and grateful for so much in my life.......especially weekends such as this.

unconditional love

I miss the unconditional love the most. I have come to realize, no one loves you or your children and cares more then your own parents do. I probably have always known that yet it didn't quite dawn on me until my parents were gone and now that I have my own child. Of course friends and family LOVE you and adore your children.......but if your lucky like I was, there's nothing like a parents love. And most of us don't realize it until much later then life. We go through so many different stages as children. I loved the stage when I finally was able to be my Mom and Dad's friend somewhat. After college, after I was married.....I was 100% officially on my own....never again, "I need money!" Your relationship changes and it was great fun having fun with my parents and being more like friends. Elle will probably dislike me for many years but one day when she's all grown up, out of the house, working, married, etc....I will look forward to being her friend. If I'm as lucky as I was with my own Mom.....

I miss calling them and talking about nothing or everything......so many things are happening lately....stupid little things like saving a ton of money by refinancing or getting our quote done for our kitchen rehab....or heading to DC this weekend to see the white house, friends and other fun things.....I want to share my every day life with them. I think that's been one of my biggest struggles. They were so incorporated into my everyday life... more so my Mom.......but I miss having that one person that was always there and always listened. Yeah, it's lonely, and I have great friends and a Sister and other family to reach out too. But it's different. I've always had very close relationships with friends and family but there's certain things you just want to tell your Mom and Dad ya know? I know how proud they would be. They would also be annoyed though and I miss having them be annoyed with me. Our kitchen is great....it's already renovated but it's not very functional and we can't really entertain and have always wanted a big island to stand around with our friends. They would think it was stupid to spend the money. I'd do it anyway and then dad would come down and LOVE all of the extra counter space to do his prep work. Mom would finally have room to store all of her cheesecake stuff when she would visit as opposed to stuffing it one of our small cabinets. I think we're going to stay in this house for a while now so we are in "making it functional" mode....it's such a fabulous neighborhood and we love our neighbors across the street....we just weren't ready to say goodbye to Hyde Park yet. I look forward to sharing some of the changes in the coming months.

I hope they are looking down to see the things that are happening in life.....my heart aches to think if my Mom happened to look down last week and saw how sick my Sister was and how she was so overwhelmed and busy running Aydan everywhere (Soccer, Hockey and Swimming) and helping him with his homework and packing his lunch in addition to working 40 hours at the hospital caring for people.....I think my Mom would be so sad seeing this. I know she would want her to have more support and help. And I think of my Mom's Sister. I miss my Aunt so much. I know how sad this would make Mom. I know she'd look down at me at times, rocking Elle to sleep, as I wipe a tear from my cheek, and she too would cry with me! She was such a mush. She would be devastated and would want to be here. Yet, I hope, they are proud and that their pain is gone and they would be at peace and just want us to be happy......but I just don't know what to believe. Of course you want to believe that but when something like this happens you question ALL faith..........I just hope they are up there together having a great old time knowing they will one day see us all again. I can't wait.

Until then....living on (you will never hear me say moving on-It's such a hurtful thing and I don't think anyone could ever move on after something like this but I pray all of us can "live on", I really pray for that) in honor of my family who we miss SO much.

Thanks for being a shoulder to cry on this evening.

Praying for a baby that was still born last week. I balled my eyes out last week for a friend in the industry that I met here in Cincinnati. Annabelle was laid to rest this week and that sadness, while they were somewhat prepared if that's even possible, has got to be so overwhelming. I can't even relate but I relate to the numbness and deep pain, sadness and anger. Why us she is thinking? I hope she was given the gift of strength that I (think) I have but I also hope she allows herself to have those really weak moments because I sure do.... And Holidays will be so freakin hard. They always will be. Your heart will ache every day but you will smile again......life will be forever changed though. Surround yourself with only the best of people. They'll know the dates and times that will be really rough in your coming days, months and years.....I hope they are there for you always.

With love,

Melissa

cincy weekend

At last, a weekend that wasn't so hot. Wonderfully sunny and around 75 degrees..........fun with friends, a fabulous dinner party, shopping, farmers market, several walks, went for a run......pumpkin ale with friends.....a playdate with Elle's friends, caught up on yard work, etc....

Off to DC on Friday with the little family.......cannot wait. I love a busy life, it's the only way to do it.

Getting such sweet feedback from my book and I so appreciate it. I miss my parents more then anyone could ever understand- I am so thankful people are taking the time to read my love for them and can sense my hope for a less painful future....

With love,

Melissa

A healing heart by Melissa A. Close

I have faced and continue to face my fears........one of them being how I would tell my daughter and nephew this story one day? The darkness yet the journey of healing, the pain of not having my parents in my future life yet the joy and the strong relationship we had for so many years. How would I tell them how much joy my parents got watching Aydan grow and how much they would have loved Elle. I had to document this journey of healing that in my mind has only just begun.............I know this sadness will be a part of my life for the rest of my life but I wanted a vehicle to leave behind. To share today and into tomorrow. To be certain their memory never fades away. For my family and friends to understand this from my perspective, because we all heal differently. A daughter's perspective. A way to show my family and friends how much their support has meant to me but that there are and continue to be days of great loneliness. I want people to know how normal my family was and that this came out of nowhere. But I didn't want to talk too much about my brother, I wanted him to have his privacy. I want and aspire to keep my parents memory alive.....so I decided to write a book...............and self publish it. And I am proud to say, it is officially on amazon.com titled, A healing heart: a glimpse into the first year of a tragic loss. I dedicate this glimpse into my heart and journal entries I have complied to my parents life and to my beautiful daughter and my nephew, maybe now they will have a better understanding one day.

Thank you to all of my parents friends and family out there that continue to check in and read my blog, I think you will enjoy to see the documented version in the book. While heartbreaking to put this project together, something within was pushing me to do so. After having the initial thought and doing some pre-work, I went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant and after, opened up a fortune cookie. It read "you are a lover of words, someday you should write a book". Once they died, that was all I knew to do was to write.........whether it made sense to anybody else or not, it's the only thing that would allow me to sleep at night. I now have something to leave behind and share with others. I am determined to keep my parents memory alive and share with others that they are not alone and they too can get through anything life throws at them. I wouldn't say I am through this yet........I think I will continue to face challenges daily whether it is simply missing them or situations regarding my brother or overall heartache from not having my family unit together. But, I want people to know it is possible to still live with tremendous heartache. I was given such a tremendous gift of strength and I know even through some of the people impacted by my parent's death, that not every one has this skill. There are days I think I am the weakest of all and I am really down and think how awful this has all been but then they are days that I know how lucky I was to have them in my life even though it was much too short. They were so special to me and I pray their memory one day overcomes the tragic way they left the world.

Thank you for checking out the book on amazon and to my friends and family who will gather with us in October to see the book and to share in a little celebration......