1st week of June

After another horrific nightmare end of May...June got off to a GREAT start with the most fabulous weather... back to high 70s with no humidity and full sun. Work is over the top stressful and demanding right now prepping for a big meeting this upcoming Thursday, but we still managed to have a great weekend with the kids and put it aside when I could. Ted had a race on Saturday with a co-worker so the kids and I kept busy going on walks, hanging out in the square, grabbing popcorn...I absolutely love this neighborhood even more when I'm alone with the kids as there is so much to do and a lot of people around with their kids all in walking distance. Sunday was an early morning but I caught a quick jog and we headed to the zoo to meet Elle's BFF JR and his parents. We've gotten to really know JR's family...we have so much in common and we love hanging out with them. Between soccer, them being in the same class and meeting up throughout the weekend, these kids nearly see each other daily. It's fun to watch them together. Harry is doing great - I still hold him a ton (think i am trying to prevent him from walking, although he did take ONE step on Friday!) and I got a few, rare minutes with just me and Elle for her FIRST manicure. What a blast she had although I got sad after...she's too big now....she was sitting there getting her nails painted like a little lady. Breaks my heart. All of these milestones...some bigger than others just make me miss my family SO much more wishing I had mom to call to share in these special moments. We have a big weekend ahead as we celebrate the birth of Harrison a little early while we're back in MI and I'll get to see my nephew who was born the day after Harry 8 years ago....time has really flown.

June will be a busy but memorable month between everything we have going on, Harry's 1st birthday and our family vacation later this month to ST JOHN...I will be ready for a vacation.

All my love,

tired

I had the strangest dream last night. We were having Harry's birthday party which is actually approaching, however, the party took place at Mom and Dad's home in Allen Park. We were in the basement and garage. It was the house. Justin was even there - he was actually running up to the store to buy the lemonade for our signature drink. But he never brought the lemonade....I kept waiting and waiting and more people continued to arrive and we had nothing to drink. I saw Mom in the basement setting up the Mason jars and striped paper straws that I actually do have. I then randomly checked my phone in my dream and checked my email and Justin had emailed me that he would not be getting the lemonade and if I I could do it. It was so odd...I know it all ties together in some strange way...I'm emotional about Harry turning one and I wish my Parents were here...their void is even stronger during times like this.

I'm tired mentally. I don't know what to do anymore with the lake. It's ruining my relationship with my Sister. We are not seeing eye to eye. It breaks my heart my Parents favorite place is used so little, it's starting to having issues...we live 8 hrs away...I am trying to set the emotions aside (as hard as that is) and look at this practically. What they would want. They would never want us to take on all of this responsibility. Chris needs to be focusing on finishing RN school and Aydan....I just don't see how this could work. It is wearing me down. I never wanted to make the type of decisions at this stage in my life where I am raising my own family, early in my career....we just have too much going on along with the stresses and life changes we've experienced with death of my parents.

Ted went to spend the weekend with one of our best friends up in Canada - the kids and I have kept super busy but I am tired. Elle's buddy JR and his family was so kind to hang out with us pretty much all weekend...we had them over Friday for dinner, we saw them at Soccer Saturday morning then spent the evening at their house. It is most definitely not easy with two kids by yourself...I give ALL single Moms (including my Sister) such credit and strength. Harry is so easy and very chill but Elle has entered a little rough patch - she hates when its time to leave her friends and begins to throw tantrums. I wish my Mom was here to comment on this but I have a feeling I was very similar. She has a bit of an attitude and it can make ya crazy. But then she is the sweetest big Sister and was so well behaved when i took the kids to Striderite today to pick out water shoes for them. Though I have been lonely this weekend and have struggled with loneliness since Mom and Dad died, I thoroughly enjoy the one on one time with my beautiful kids. I am so blessed...ahhhh I so get it, I see it and I can feel it yet the hurt and pain comes through the blessed moments and sometimes I miss them. I wish it wasn't that way.

So looking forward to my husband returning and hopeully soon clarity is brought on what to do with the beloved lake-house. I miss my Sister.

All my love...

home

April was filled with sadness and remembrance....and I always look forward to May. We had visitors throughout the month and this was the first weekend we were home in Cincinnati with just our Family. Though Ted was still recovering from the flu, and Harry caught pink eye, we managed to have a great weekend around our neighborhood.....Elle cheered on the 19,000 runners going through our neighborhood for the flying pig marathon, went to the zoo and attended a friends of ours son's birthday party. Ted and I also snuck in a dinner night out while elle & harry stayed back with a sitter...in celebration of 9 years of marriage next week. It is so hard to believe it has been 9 years. I associate time with my parents death - and when they died we were planning our 5 year anniversary trip to ST JOHN and would be leaving the following month.....we almost cancelled that trip......I had such mixed feelings about going on a vacation after being completely traumatized. We will actually head back there next month, 4 years later. This time with a different perspective. Perhaps we will truly be able to take in the beautiful Island of ST JOHN. We cannot wait to take our children on their next adventure. 

These past 9 years of my life have been the most challenging and difficult but also the most rewarding, wonderful, blessed years of my life as well. I am so thankful my parents got to see me marry Ted and share all of the special moments with us...they laid the foundation for us and made us understand the true meaning of love and how important family and friends are. 

I look at these beautiful pictures and know how blessed I am.....though there is heartache, we have a life filled with purpose, love and wonderful memories and because of my parents death, we caught on very early in life the importance of all of this.  And we also received fantastic news from Christina Friday....she has officially passed her first year of RN school....it has been challenging as ever as a single Mom but we are crossing our fingers she can kick butt in year 2 starting in the Fall as she did this first year......I know my parents would be so proud. 

thinking of a families loss

Thinking of my good friend who lost her ex-husband this month and was laid to rest today, she is speaking at his funeral. They were together for 16 years. Sweethearts all through middle & high school. They were never apart...they decided to go their separate ways after they did try marriage. I was also very good friends with his Sister. She and I ran track together all through middle school & high school. They have wonderful parents. My heart aches for them to bury their Son at such a young age but more so how he passed. It was a tragic event - he committed suicide. Suicide scares me so much. It breaks my heart. I know how numb and in shock his family is right now....they are thinking they could have stopped it, they will have regret, they are wishing it wasn't their family, they are blaming themselves. All of these feelings I felt before and it's terrible. I am sure they are receiving a ton of support and they will soon have to return back to their life....sure I returned back to work but it didn't hit me until weeks after they passed that they were truly gone. I will never forget that moment - I've written about it before. I was driving and it hit me. I was screaming uncontrollably "mommy". I couldn't believe they weren't there to call. I pray his entire family & friends can somehow get past how he died and remember happily how he lived...but its the hardest thing to do. The tragedy takes over all of the good....and you have to dig so deep in your heart to accept the awfullness of the death....and know they are not in pain and they hopefully didn't feel a thing.
Death is everywhere and I notice it so much more now that my parents died. These stories impact me and I feel badly for days after I hear this type of news. I think its because I can relate to the shock and sadness and I now know normal happy families can experience tragedy when it's least expected. I know that anything is possible and so many things are out of our control.

I worry about raising kids in this kind of world. I want to shelter them from everything...depression, drugs, drunk drivers, bully's, guns...I worry so much now...I hugged and kissed my kids a lot this weekend...I am so thankful I have them and I pray from here on out my family can live a life with less heartache, continued success and happiness and a peaceful heart that my parents are OKAY enjoying their eternal life. A day won't go by that I won't think of them. Tears will still flow wishing they were here.....but I know how quickly life can be taken away...we have to enjoy our loved ones and friends as much as possible....

4 years.

You've been gone for 4 years. So much time has passed, Mom and Dad. I have children now-do you believe it? I've changed positions several times, Ted no longer has all of those samples you used to take home since he switched companies, Christina is a nursing student, and Aydan is an all-star athlete in the 2nd grade, Grandpa's health is good...he continues to travel to FL for the Winter and we see him often. I can't believe you have missed all this?

I get glimpses of what life would be like if our family was back together and how it would feel to have a Mom and Dad and to have a "home" to go back to. I miss that sense of security and after a really good therapy session today we got to the bottom of some of my expectations of others & disappointment in some. It comes down to my sense of security being lost and the closeness I shared with my Mother causes me to have a major void and I look to fill that closeness and value connectedness very strongly even though others may not. Of course I understand not all people are like me but after you go through a tragedy, trust me....many things that you never would have thought of become clear and it sucks. You think, look, and feel everything....to a fault.

Nonetheless the anniversary of your death was a beautiful sunny day. Christina, Aydan and Cindy were in town and with some of our friends, we all walked throughout Hyde Park in honor of your memory - we ended in the square at a little wine shop for a champagne toast and some food and my most favorite part of the afternoon was watching the kids letting go balloons (in red and blue) and watching them float up into the sky toward the clouds....off to heaven. I hope they made it to you. I have no idea if you can really see us down here. Sometimes I hope you cannot because I think you would be sad. Other times I pray you do see us and that sadness isn't possible and you only feel happy thoughts and are proud of what you do see.

I'm still so dang sad that you are gone but I continue to live my life, with some struggles but moving forward regardless...we have such great friends, fabulous summer vacations planned this year, lots of visitors this month which is exciting and fun with the kids....Elle started soccer last weekend.....OK, so she inherited some speed from your daughter. Yah me, hello.....we had no idea she could run like that and kick a ball. It was so cute. And, your sweet, innocent grandson Harry has turned a little feisty on me. He is going to be a mover and shaker I think. I originally was thinking he was going to be laid back like the two of you but I am not too sure now.

Well, I love you both with all of my heart and your Family and friends miss you so much. I would do anything to bring you back and to get a sign that you're OK and happy. My heart will forever ache for the way you died but I am so proud of the resiliency of this Family. I know some of us are struggling more than others. I continue to hope for the best and I'll still try to do my best to keep the family together like you both always did. It's hard though...I'm realizing our gift of togetherness is not something everyone values but I know it's something that is natural for us. I will continue to pray for peace in all of our hearts...I hope your happy and together and not sad that we're sad....we'll be OK, we just miss you so much but know one day we will see you again...

All my love,

Melissa

fast

This weather has been incredible - 80s in March? With Spring forward, I can now go running after the kids go to bed. It's still light at 7:30 and our neighborhood is FILLED with runners - which is rather motivating. I counted 24 different runners just on my small run around the square and through our neighborhood. As I was running and changing the songs on my Ipod I thought of my Dad. And I ran faster. He never missed a track meet of mine throughout my years of running and he would always say to me "stop psyching yourself out! you are going to win!" His brother, my Uncle Stan and him were so proud that I could run fast. I don't why. I mean, I'm sure if I were good at soccer or a more exciting sport would have probably been a little more entertaining but there was something about track that I absolutely loved. And my Dad and my other family members got into it. I would glance up to the sky as I was running tonight thinking if Dad was watching over me...if he was still proud or if he's sad...sad that I'm sad and sad that he's missing being around us kids and his grandchildren. I have a real tough time with the whole "their watching over you". I'm just not totally sure I believe that part. I feel like they are sad watching me. Why wouldn't they rather be here? They didn't want to go yet. They weren't suffering, or getting old...they were living their life, young, just retired and happy.

I am good with this warmer than average weather....it's Summer weather and I would be totally OK if we skipped right through Spring.

On another note, prince Harry (no, not the one that is all over the news these days OUR prince Harry...) is 9 months old today! He is still SO chill and sweet. I've heard (and witnessed) boys can be busy bodies. I am still waiting for that. He is Mr. Chill. Still not "officially" crawling yet. He moves though and his teachers laugh at school "that boy will get everything he wants without crawling"...he'll reach, grab, scoot, roll, get on all fours, rock/bend without exerting too much energy. He is hilarious. I am in NO rush for crawling, walking and all that. I know it will come with time and the doc and I were chatting and he was saying how Elle was quite early on the verbal/cognitive skills side or whatever he said and that physical came a little later. Cool...I'm good with them being "thinkers" and a little more chill as it will all come with time and then you blink and they are RUNNING and saying goodbye to you. My last baby....he's growing much too fast. I feel so lucky to have gotten to experience having a BOY too. Harrison rocks.... I will never let him get married, I will likely be his college roommate & I will buy my retirement house in his neighborhood. Oh his wife will HATE me. I can't wait!

I'll worry about Elle, hoping she'll choose the "nice" guy, afraid she'll drive in cars with boys or with stupid people who drink & drive. I hope I'm not controlling. I hope I am like my Mom was to me. She was always there, super caring and sweet and really, really funny.

I am pretty sure I will be the "in your face, over-bearing, call 20 times a day, Mom". I'll just go ahead and apologize ahead of time. But I'll be funny. I'm not missing out on anything though...I sure hope I am always here for my kids. I never want them to do this without us. I look at me and Chris and how much we need our parents. Parents are a child's safety net...even long into adulthood.....I miss my Mom and Dad.

I need ya, Mom.

It was such a wonderful day and really FUN weekend... but it once again ends with anger and sadness. The weather was SO beautiful....after Ted went to the gym and I cleaned up around the house and got the kids fed lunch, Ted and I took the double stroller out and walked a few miles, stopped at my favorite store (lulu lemon) and bought some things all while the kids peacefully took their naps..then we ended at this quaint little popcorn shop by our house and we sat on the bench enjoying this gorgeous weather and loving our neighborhood. For those few hours, I felt SO normal. Life was good. I didn't have a huge void in my heart. Or the pain and worry for my brother. Our sweet kids....sleeping and breathing in fresh air was so peaceful to see.....Then bam. Disappointment. Easter weekend, the death of Mom and Dad....I had it all figured out....we would do a 5k walk with Ted's parents and my sister and the kids....we'd end in Hyde Park square, there would be champagne waiting for our little group. We'd let two balloons go for Mom and Dad. The day would be less sad by surrounding ourselves by people that love us and that we with us when we last saw Mom and Dad. Things change and I know the intentions are to not hurt us. Ted was hurt, I could tell....he went oustide and just cleaned out his car. I know he felt more bad for me. I miss my family. I was angry. No one will ever understand. I hate that we have one set of parents.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I want my parents too with Ted's parents...they both would be great together and one of them would always be here...then I wouldn't have to hope, wish, or ever be sad or let down. I would totally get it. And would be okay because we would never be alone for anything special. Someone would always be there for special occasions, to be there when we came back to MI to run over to kiss and hug the kids to see how much they've grown. My expectations would be lower and my heart wouldn't hurt so bad.

I hate Spring. This is when I shut down and I seriously don't want to talk to anyone until June. I know I cannot do that and no one at work will ever know there is a thing wrong with me and I really will get through this "season" just like I always do. And I have such fun things planned with friends & family over the next few months to look forward to. But it's the little things like these past few weeks that makes me want to scream... I don't want the pity and don't expect or want that! But I do want love and understanding especially for my kids. Maybe during certain parts of the year we do need a little more love?? I can't expect that though. No one can live up to that and if I think that way, I will be let down. I can't make family stop by to see the kids. They have to want to and it needs to be important to them. And not everyone feels the same way about the death of my parents. while they loved them dearly, it doesn't have the same impact nor should it.

I so appreciate my Sister, we have our issues....I wish I didn't treat her like a child. I feel I have to be her Mom even though she doesn't want that. She works her ass off, is a single Mom with no one at all to support her, and yet that girl will spend her last dime on gas to come to visit when we are in town. I hope I can always return the favor and to make sure her and Aydan know how much they are loved and how important they are. She is cranking through school and I cannot wait for her to graduate one day and be an official RN. She is so close. She can do this. I continue to be so proud of my Aydan too.

We'll be fine. Ted will get over this. We take deep breathes. No one will ever really understand the void, what we are missing in our lives. Some look at us and think we have the perfect life and family and we sure do.....god we are so blessed. I look at these kids every day and feel so thankful but this loss has changed our way of thinking. I think we expect too much. I guess this time I was just hoping and praying it would be known....we'd needed someone. It's a tough weekend. We wanted to do something special. I am sick of being sad. everything else about our life is amazing.......I have to keep looking at that stuff....our kids, our home, our careers, our travels, our friends...we'll keep me making an effort the best way we know how. All I want is togetherness, strong bonds between our family and friends that are connected to our children and their children and that everyone puts in effort and love. I keep talking about this. I cannot solve this or fill this void in my heart. Maybe one day I will wake up and realize this.

I miss you Mom and Dad. I am having a real shitty night after an amazing day. I just need you guys here to fix it. I want you to be in our lives.......how do I handle this? how can I stop getting so disappointed??

All my love,

Melissa