I'm blue...

The cookie monster cake pan that Mom used for me arrived on Saturday from Aunt Lisa. Over 30 years ago, Mom made me this cake and probably scrubbed off blue frosting from my face for hours after just like I had to do years later...with my daughter. But I'm positive we both enjoyed every minute of it.

Man, Mom would have love to seen Elle devour this cake and would find it all so special. Elle's actual birthday isn't until Wednesday but with Daddy traveling and her big girl party at the Gymboree next weekend, we wanted to have an intimate celebration with us and her little neighbor buddy and our good friend, Trey.....

Ted is the ultimate baker....my Mom would be SO impressed and proud. She would always be the one to come to our home (pans and supplies in tow) to make us something yummy. We could now return the favor.

Your week long birthday celebration continues Miss Elle.......there are so many people in Heaven and on Earth, near and far, that love you... and always will!

MOMMY

cookie monster

At last....a full weekend at home to get caught up on life. Although there is still much to do, I feel as though I got a lot of organizing and cleaning done and with our renovations now complete-the fun accessorizing has begun (while trying to keep it kid friendly). For example, we have this large, beautiful armoire in our new kitchen sitting area where there are two leather chairs. We wanted to move this elsewhere but couldn't figure out a space but then a light bulb went off, "duh, we will have two kids as of this June and need storage for toys, diapers, etc, etc, so why not keep it here, it's a beautiful piece and make it functional. That's my theme this year...organization in my life and around the house, making things functional.

We choose the lifestyle of walking to a fun filled square and living in a home with character that's +104 years old but with that comes smaller living space and low amounts of storage and closets....I think my favorite addition to the kitchen is this pull out 8 foot pantry in which I dedicated to "Elle's pantry" with her sippy cups, bowls, and snacks. My Dad would be impressed. I wish they were here to see the house..........

See, with my parents death a part of my life now, I don't fully enjoy things I should. Even this pregnancy, I haven't given it a ton of thought. I know that sounds terrible. So many friends around me are expecting and are in their glory...sure I'm beyond happy to have another child, but i wish I had it in me to be giddy about names (they're already picked out, but still it wasn't this big process, we just knew) and I don't even think to research anything or blow the dust off of any of the pregnancy books I have on my bookshelf. I haven't had an ultrasound yet since everything has been fine and I will have one at 20 weeks but I feel disconnected and I spend most of my time thinking about my immediate family I long to have back for my daughter, my Sister and Aydan. We deserved it, right? I know what some think, "you are bringing new life into this world, they would be so proud, focus on all of the good". Trust me I do, and I am really strong and I have been but some days I get nervous thinking I've been too strong as in this would crush people to the ground if it happened to them and then the emotion of being pregnant (again) and the pressure of facing the person, your brother you love deary, who killed your parents. It's a lot to handle.......but I am "fine", I really am. Just bummed frankly. Bummed that everything else in my life is perfect except for this. Daily, I hear of people's troubles, sadness, complaints, and I think, man, if I just could have my Parents back with all I have now I would be the luckiest girl alive....but I know that's not the way life works. Life is tough and filled with challenges and I guess you can say I was lucky to be 28 before facing anything major but this was life changing and at times I still cannot tell my therapist if I really have faced this or accepted what has happened. I'm just not sure I have.

At times, I can sit there and just picture the moment my Parents were being killed. My Dad was relaxing reading the paper I think, Mom was holding her Dog and probably chatting away. It literally freezes me in time thinking of that day. But when I snap out of it..... I see a beautiful running child calling me "mommy" and squeezing me tightly or watching my supportive husband cook yet another gourmet meal or listening to my Sister tell me that Aydan got another goal or receiving a phone call from a friend regarding an upcoming girls weekend or a fabulous group vacation or looking at my numbers from work and seeing that I'm signficantly outpacing my budget.... and then the baby kicks.....there is still more to life....and my aching heart knows it.

The planning for Miss Elle's 2nd birthday is underway...it will be a small event with a few family members, friends and her little buddies from school and such...the theme is cookie monster which is her obsession. She only wants the cookie monster diapers but Pampers only packs like 3 of them out of 35 diapers or so and she'll keep searching....my Aunt Lisa thinks she has the mold to my 1st birthday cake which happened to be cookie monster. So thrilled my Mom sent it to her and that she may still have it....love this kind of stuff. I'm turning into a sap just like Mom. How quickly things change. I'm the same girl who told my Mom when asked if she could bring down all of my childhood stuff, "no Mom, just throw it away, seriously". She was so offended so she would sneak something to my house each time she would visit, hide it, and I'd find it later....for example, a Christmas musical globe found in my bottom drawer in our guest room or my girl scout vest with all of the patches in my coffee table, or my kindergarten report cards...........now it has special meaning to me with having my own child. Wish I could tell her that....I understand now, Mom. I get it.

a good year

As we drove back from spending almost 10 days in Mi for Christmas, I thought about how bummed I was to have spent another Holiday Season without my family together. Everything is so different now. I felt there were few to visit or to drop by to see our beautiful daughter. Yet I was grateful to spend so much time with my nephew who Elle adores, my Sister and to watch Elle interact with her Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents was especially fun- she had a ball and is just talking up a storm....but I couldn't help but wish my parents could see all of this; Aydan scoring goals, Elle wishing everyone a "happy turkey day" on Christmas morning (she would only say Merry Christmas if you would take her to see the blow up Santa), and me pregnant. I felt sad for my Sister when she came to my in-laws Christmas morning to open with us. We wanted to be heading down to Allen Park to open with Mom and Dad. My brother sent me a very nice, thoughtful Christmas gift this year that was waiting for me when we got home. I know facing him in 2011 will be the most challenging thing I will have to do this year on top of being pregnant and welcoming another child into the world. I am so fearful but I know it is something I must do. I have to face the true reality of this tragedy.....

Ted's parents always put on a wonderful Christmas Eve dinner and we're generous the entire week...the house was always filled with food and drinks and a place to relax. Ted's Mom put Elle down for us pretty much every night so we could hang out or go to the movies or to grab dinner with friends. It was a nice break that was much needed but we were ancy to get back. We're not as busy now with Mom, Dad, Grandpa gone.......there wasn't much running around to break up the trip. I did get the great opportunity to have lunch with all my Mom's 1st cousins, her Aunt and her godchild. They were thrilled and I was equally excited to spend time with my Mom's family who she was close with, let them see Elle and to look through some photo albums of my Family throughout the years. It meant a lot to me that I saw them. I also was really pleased how Christmas dinner went at my Aunt's house...she's had a rough two years and it was just nice to all be together with Grandpa. I cherish Christmas dinner with them.

As were driving, I also reflected on all of the good that happened this year; finding a fabulous therapist, having a healthy Elle for most of the year except for plenty of runny noses and colds, wonderful vacations to Florida to watch Tom and Jess get married and an amazing trip to Hilton Head to see my Aunt and Uncle's beautiful home with our dear friends.....Ted and I also got promotions and raises, we did some renovations to our home to make it more functional and suitable for entertaining, I got to meet my best friend's children-Ben, Mckenna, and Carter

(now awaiting to meet Izzy and Trevor), had my Grandfather down to Cincinnati for the first time, and we also got pregnant.......it was a "good" year despite the deep pain and sadness I know my Sister and I will continue to face. I'm so proud of "us", though. We're true fighters. I know many would fail.....we have weak moments, the Holidays almost put you over the edge and then comes the new year where April is not too far, yet we still move forward and let love, fun, friends and family in to take advantage of all the rest of this life has to offer.

Another year you have missed....but a year that you were constantly in my thoughts and prayers and hoping you can see us today. My life will never be the same without you as a result of this tragic event. It haunts me, there are nightmares. I want you to see me being a Mommy. I'm not too bad.....

All my love and hope for another "good" year........I'm happy to say I know we continue to make you proud. I miss you so much.

Melissa

3rd Christmas

I would have never imagined that Christmas 2007 would be the last Christmas I would spend with my Mom, Dad and brother as a Family. Christina had to work Christmas day so we all gathered at her home for Christmas Eve brunch that year.....and then had Ted's parents to Mom and Dad's for dinner on Christmas Day along with Mom's side of the family and many of their friends stopping by to say hello. I would have never imagined this would be it. The last presents given to and received by them, the last time they would see their grandchild rip open Christmas gifts with the biggest grin on his face. And the last time my Mother got to bake her Christmas cookies and Christmas cheesecakes for family and friends. I would have never imagined this would be it. And here we are going on the third Christmas without them and it's just as painful as the first. More grandchildren have joined our family and another one on the way...I can only imagine how joyful this year would be if they were here. They would be in their glory.......

I will probably never look at the Holidays the same again but I will continue searching for ways to create new traditions and incorporate all I have learned through the years from my Family and the true meaning of togetherness.

We're back in MI until the new year with hopes of keeping busy, seeing friends, enjoying Christmas eve with the Close Family, and seeing my Grandfather and my Mom's siblings on Christmas day. May you all have a Merry Christmas...thank you for the prayers you continue to send our way in hopes for peace in 2011....

Melissa

Christmas wreath

I lost it in English Gardens today picking out my Parents Christmas wreath for their grave. Ted and Gracie waited in the car and I quickly ran in. Then I felt the pressure in my chest. Why was I here? Why am I buying a wreath for my parents and not gifts to wrap and place under the tree. I picked up a really pretty wreath with a bow of much of my Mom's living room colors, and started to cry. I could barely answer the cashier when I asked if I found everything I was looking for.

I walked slowly and tearfully back to the car...and Ted and I drove into St. Hedwigs beautiful cemetery....slow down, there's the four odd looking trees....that's when I know we're almost there. Everything was covered in snow and I wasn't certain we'd find their grave. Ted and I walked up the hill and I could just feel we were close......we scraped off several gravestones until I saw the name Jerome. We found it...and sadly wished my parents a Merry Christmas. I miss my Family. And after I arrived back to Cincinnati...a Christmas card was waiting there from my brother. A gift is still coming. He wrote thoughtful words, words my parents would have loved to hear him say. "I miss you and Ted and I hope you and Ted and Elle have a great Christmas". I felt such sadness in my heart when he asked me if I thought anyone in the family would ever have a relationship with him again. My heart aches for him.

We had a quick weekend in MI but got to do some fun things and I especially enjoyed cheering on the hockey star take his team to victory scoring 2 of the 4 goals, and watching Elle's face lit up as he saw the blow up Santa her Grandparents set up just for her. Elle loved my parents blow up turkey that the Close's put up so we knew we needed something for Christmas. We also got some time with our friends at the annual Griswold Christmas party and enjoyed a fun night out even though once the clock struck midnight, I literally turned into a pumpkin. It was way past my bedtime....but the team enjoyed having me as their "driver" for the evening.

We miss our beautiful daughter but feel so thankful Ted's parents wanted to spend the time with their granddaughter and do some fun Holiday things with her and give us a little break to work, shop, wrap presents and candidly, grab a nice "Adult" dinner for a few days. I know how much my parents would enjoy this time with Elle....Grandparents are a huge part of one's life. I know how badly Aydan misses Gamma and Papa. I deeply cherish my Grandfather that is still with us.

Looking forward to getting back to MI to spend Christmas eve with our family and friends and opening with my Sister Christmas morning and watching Elle. Thrilled she has agreed to come over. We must try new things, Chris as hard as it is....nothing will ever replace our Christmas mornings with Mom, Dad, Justin and us two girls. Such wonderful memories.

Family time in Cincinnati

This weekend was exactly what I needed......time with my Family. Although I was saddened my Sister and nephew had to cancel last minute due to the flu and snowy weather, having my Dad's Sister-my Aunt and Uncle here made me feel closer to my Dad and Grandfather and allowed me to enjoy a little of the Holiday Season. I've always been close with my Aunt. She was the go to person for advice on college, careers, moving around.....she was very close with my Mom and Dad, "my Sister" as Dad always referred to her as. When I am with my Family, I can be myself. They know the good and the bad. We laughed, we joked, we cried and we talked. She shares stories about my Dad, we talk about memories, we looked at a few pictures and shed tears and we talked about my brother. My Sister informed me a Christmas gift is coming from my brother. I am fearful and panicked as I await this gift. I know my brother misses his Family and the Holidays are especially tough. I don't want to receive this gift. I don't want it to make me even more sad thinking of him actually picking this out or ordering it through the hospital. Not only do my Sister and I have to continue to deal with this tragic loss, we still have my brother and we have to deal with things such as this. I know he is lonely, we all are yet I don't want to face it. I don't want to face his sadness too or have him sending me Christmas gifts. I'm really nervous.

Miss Elle loved having her great Aunt and Uncle here....she got to open a few presents and she surely understands gifts and opening now...we took her downtown to show her the tree, the ice rink and ended at Starbucks to sit and chat over a Peppermint mocha. We then headed back to the house for Italian night.....my Aunt is very much like my Dad and takes over the kitchen making a yummy meal. My Aunt and I did a few fun things that made me miss my Mom yet I was so thankful I had someone to do these things with...........we made homemade truffles, went Christmas shopping, talked every morning over coffee and ended every evening with cookies and milk. It was so nice to have family in our newly renovated kitchen and to have them check it out and give us decorating tips and stuff..... We miss my Family but I am blessed with people that have always been in my life... to see me on this continued journey.........now almost a Mother of two. Life has been crazy. I know how proud they would be yet I know my Mom's heart would be hurting just as much as mine....

Thank you for making this season a little brighter.

Melissa

a kitchen at last

I love having the kitchen almost done...there is so much more room and space to entertain.....and having Mom's tree up and some of her decorations- remind me of Holidays at my Parent's home.... Elle, by accident, was admiring this Christmas house I have always adored since my parents died and she pulled it down and it fell to the floor and broke in a million pieces....it wasn't her fault but I was so sad....anything that was my Mom's I don't want to lose and I feel like I don't have that much because I wasn't at their home to go through my childhood things.....bottom line, I was sad to see it go! I wanted to scream, cry and pout....

But, I am thankful for the tree Mommy left behind. It's a perfect little tree that fits nicely into our cozy living room.....

One of our best friends drove in for the weekend. Always wanting to help and take on projects while in town, broke in the new kitchen with his speciality-pizza night, and I enjoyed talking with him over coffee in the morning or while they enjoyed a glass of red wine or beer, I sat there chatting with my NA champagne which I found to taste pretty good....we are so thankful for his friendship and appreciate all of his help since we have moved into this home. Ted's working on a "man room" in the basement so him and Josh spent most of the weekend down there or making trips to Lowes...

Hard to believe we have one weekend left here before we are back in MI for the following weekends for parties and Holiday break....next weekend my Aunt, Uncle, Sister and nephew come into town. So looking forward to time with my Family and to do some festive things over the weekend. It will be exciting to show them the new renovations and be together before Christmas and to show them Cincinnati in December. I can already feel my heart hurt a little more each day as Christmas nears. I still can't believe they are really gone and that they are truly missing all of this and each and every Holiday. It's still so heartbreaking. We miss them so much yet there is nothing we can do to bring them back and our only option is to keep on living as we have been....but these are the times when that becomes extra difficult to do. I think of my brother and praying for him. He's lonely too and will be alone at Christmas as well without his immediate Family. I'm so sorry...