cookie monster

At last....a full weekend at home to get caught up on life. Although there is still much to do, I feel as though I got a lot of organizing and cleaning done and with our renovations now complete-the fun accessorizing has begun (while trying to keep it kid friendly). For example, we have this large, beautiful armoire in our new kitchen sitting area where there are two leather chairs. We wanted to move this elsewhere but couldn't figure out a space but then a light bulb went off, "duh, we will have two kids as of this June and need storage for toys, diapers, etc, etc, so why not keep it here, it's a beautiful piece and make it functional. That's my theme this year...organization in my life and around the house, making things functional.

We choose the lifestyle of walking to a fun filled square and living in a home with character that's +104 years old but with that comes smaller living space and low amounts of storage and closets....I think my favorite addition to the kitchen is this pull out 8 foot pantry in which I dedicated to "Elle's pantry" with her sippy cups, bowls, and snacks. My Dad would be impressed. I wish they were here to see the house..........

See, with my parents death a part of my life now, I don't fully enjoy things I should. Even this pregnancy, I haven't given it a ton of thought. I know that sounds terrible. So many friends around me are expecting and are in their glory...sure I'm beyond happy to have another child, but i wish I had it in me to be giddy about names (they're already picked out, but still it wasn't this big process, we just knew) and I don't even think to research anything or blow the dust off of any of the pregnancy books I have on my bookshelf. I haven't had an ultrasound yet since everything has been fine and I will have one at 20 weeks but I feel disconnected and I spend most of my time thinking about my immediate family I long to have back for my daughter, my Sister and Aydan. We deserved it, right? I know what some think, "you are bringing new life into this world, they would be so proud, focus on all of the good". Trust me I do, and I am really strong and I have been but some days I get nervous thinking I've been too strong as in this would crush people to the ground if it happened to them and then the emotion of being pregnant (again) and the pressure of facing the person, your brother you love deary, who killed your parents. It's a lot to handle.......but I am "fine", I really am. Just bummed frankly. Bummed that everything else in my life is perfect except for this. Daily, I hear of people's troubles, sadness, complaints, and I think, man, if I just could have my Parents back with all I have now I would be the luckiest girl alive....but I know that's not the way life works. Life is tough and filled with challenges and I guess you can say I was lucky to be 28 before facing anything major but this was life changing and at times I still cannot tell my therapist if I really have faced this or accepted what has happened. I'm just not sure I have.

At times, I can sit there and just picture the moment my Parents were being killed. My Dad was relaxing reading the paper I think, Mom was holding her Dog and probably chatting away. It literally freezes me in time thinking of that day. But when I snap out of it..... I see a beautiful running child calling me "mommy" and squeezing me tightly or watching my supportive husband cook yet another gourmet meal or listening to my Sister tell me that Aydan got another goal or receiving a phone call from a friend regarding an upcoming girls weekend or a fabulous group vacation or looking at my numbers from work and seeing that I'm signficantly outpacing my budget.... and then the baby kicks.....there is still more to life....and my aching heart knows it.

The planning for Miss Elle's 2nd birthday is underway...it will be a small event with a few family members, friends and her little buddies from school and such...the theme is cookie monster which is her obsession. She only wants the cookie monster diapers but Pampers only packs like 3 of them out of 35 diapers or so and she'll keep searching....my Aunt Lisa thinks she has the mold to my 1st birthday cake which happened to be cookie monster. So thrilled my Mom sent it to her and that she may still have it....love this kind of stuff. I'm turning into a sap just like Mom. How quickly things change. I'm the same girl who told my Mom when asked if she could bring down all of my childhood stuff, "no Mom, just throw it away, seriously". She was so offended so she would sneak something to my house each time she would visit, hide it, and I'd find it later....for example, a Christmas musical globe found in my bottom drawer in our guest room or my girl scout vest with all of the patches in my coffee table, or my kindergarten report cards...........now it has special meaning to me with having my own child. Wish I could tell her that....I understand now, Mom. I get it.