support around you

What do you do when someone complains of not having enough support when you know for a fact they have much more help and support then yourself and sister..... I struggle with this one. I hear complaints all of the time around me or through others. All while I watch my younger Sister be a single Mom with no family or grandparents around to help out. I think back to when I had first had Elle. We were so grateful for Ted's Mom who came down for a week-she made the transition so easy- but then Ted and I were on our own for a few months and Ted went back to work and here I was alone in my home. I did really well, though. I don't say this much but I was very proud of myself. I figured I would be the classic case of post partum depression with everything that had happened but I did okay on my own. Elle was really an easy baby despite the constant eating and not sleeping for more then 2 hour stretches the first month. And we had so many visitors on the weekend to keep my spirits up and to make the days with Elle alone even better knowing friends or family would be visiting on the weekend. We will also never forget that we did have Ted's mom come back a few months later and stayed in our home when I went back to work. It was a priceless gift to keep her out of daycare one more month but it was hard for me too. I know how much joy my Mom would have had being here with Cindy too. They would have had a great time together or maybe they would have split up the time. Makes me sad.

I can't snap at people at tell them, "well, you have more help then my Sister does or that I had", I just have to listen or maybe plug my ears and hope and pray that they one day are appreciative for what they have and that there are people out there with no parents or grandparents to help them throughout raising their children. I am realizing more and more how strong my Sister and I are....some days I don't feel that way but when I look around me, I know this is so true. Not many could handle this and while painful, we are different maybe better people because of it.

Next week Ted and I have two conflicts. I left frustrated this morning. We both have dinners on Wednesday and Thursday that we cannot miss. Both of our careers are important; there isn't one that is more important, they are equal but these are the tough days that we will continue to have and it worries me even more so when I think about having another child in the future. Can we really do it all on our own while both working? I got to hope that we can and one day truly believe that my parents are sending down lots of strength as they watch us from above. It all sounds great, right? Now it's just believing it. I'm amazed at how much your faith is questioned when you can't make sense of something. I'm envious of people with strong faith but yet I think if they suffered a tragic loss they too would question and have anger. I think of my Grandmother; in a wheelchair for a great part of her life; raised 3 awesome children...all so different.....she had a smile on her face everyday and such a strong faith. I wish I would have told her more what an influence she has had on my adult life now as I reflect on my childhood watching her. I didn't know it until much later in life what an important role my parents and grandparents would play.

To single mother's out there, I wish for moments of quietness and a helping hand from time to time from people who care and recognize you need it. and to dual parents that live out of state with no one around to help- surround yourself by good friends and neighbors- they will offer great support. and to anyone else that is suffering the loss of their parents and feels down that you have to rely on one set of grandparents and you feel so sad and bad doing so, take deep breaths. That's all the advice and hope I have........

All my love,
Melissa

May is here

A rainy, muggy weekend in Cincinnati but I was happy to say goodbye to the month of April. It's just too painful from beginning to end. 

It was a low key weekend spent at home but always time to squeeze in a little fun. Elle started feeling much better later in the week so we were able to get out of the house a little bit......we grabbed dinner at our local Mexican food spot Friday evening with our neighbors then Saturday headed over to their house for a little Kentucky derby BBQ. Ted made mint juleps to be festive; after one sip I went back to Wine. They were so very strong but fun....the boys enjoyed them. 

Elle, knock on wood, has been a fantastic sleeper and napper for the last few months. I hope this stays  true as we travel to FL, up to the lake, and to HH Island this Summer. I am so looking forward to some of the events and trips we have planned. I need things to look forward to. I don't do a very good job on being "in the moment" and being so excited for the day's events. I tend to look ahead when I'm down and think of happier days ahead spent with my friends and family. Sad to admit, I don't ever feel like I have that "so excited" feeling anymore which really sucks. I think back to two years ago; being excited and overly happy was a big part of who I was. But I have accepted I am a new person because of this and I continue to look for ways to bring in more happiness but it's challenging.... Luckily I have a beautiful, healthy daughter- and when she squeezes her little arms around my neck for a big, big hug....it makes it  even more clear how much my own Mother loved me. A love for a child is beyond words.......thank you Mom and Dad. 

An Olszowy

One of my dearest friends, who I know reads my blog from time to time is probably going to be so mad if I quote some of the beautiful things she wrote to me in a recent letter. But I have to. When I do sit down typing away my thoughts for the day or week I generally don't have to think more then a few seconds about what I will write about. It comes rather naturally when you have a lot of pain yet joy- as you're watching a mini you (or, a mini Ted as we often refer to her as) grow up.... But back to the letter. My friend, who is a teacher, is a really, really good writer. We've teased her to write a book. She's too busy I assume. She's a new Mom as well and coaches and so on.....but I admire her writing and I admire her even more when she writes to her friends handwritten letters. As I read the one she sent to me this week, I felt as if she was sitting right in front of me. It was as if we were sharing a glass of wine together and she was telling me from a "friend's perspective" of this tragedy. Her words were honest and so true and I thank her for taking a moment to reflect on what happened and for giving me a pep talk to give me a moment of peace. Just for a moment. 

I kept re-reading the letter over and over. I was trying to cook for Elle (or re-heat as I should say, Ted did the cooking and left it in the fridge to heat when we got home) and get her situated but I continued to pick the letter back up to read it again. I tend to do that with cards I have received lately. I read them several times before I put them away. 

A few things that she wrote stood in my mind for hours and I knew what I have always known with several of my friends that have been by my side through this mess is that she's a lifelong friend and supporter of this. She didn't forget after year one and she won't ever forget. I know this. This loss is a part of my life forever and my true friends have accepted that this comes along with my friendship now. I know I have withdrawn from some people. But if nothing is said, I push away....right or wrong, no one taught me how to handle something like this. None of us are equipped to handle this normally. There's just no way. 

She wrote: 

"I myself seem to deny the horror of your loss. Therefore, I know I have truly no idea about how hard life must be for you. And for this I am so sorry. " "Your parents, your Sister and yourself are the type of people that make all of those around you happy. The Olszowy's go out of their way for others. The Olszowy's are role models. The Olszowy's are friends with everyone. I wish I was more like you Mel and your parents. " 

Well I don't know about all that my friend but I will be forever thankful you got to spend a weekend with my family at the lake and seeing who they really were as people, friends and parents. They had a lot of fun, always had a smile on their face and I hope and believe they made you feel comfortable and welcome. When I was up at the lake a few weekends ago, I came across a picture of that weekend and we were dancing in the kitchen with my Mom and then we were all gathered on the boat.....my friends, the Close family, my sister, and my parents. I literally had it all that weekend and you were a part of it. Now that I think about it. I think even Justin was there. 

And so to my favorite part of the letter.... It hurts yet warms my heart like the biggest, longest hug from a true, loyal friend. 

And she wrote: 

"Your parents live on in the memories of hundreds or even thousands of people. And I know from experience that these memories bring joy and laughter. What an amazing legacy. Even a more amazing legacy lies with you and your sister. Just being you, just being an Olszowy makes the world you live in a better and more happy place". 

Thanks for thinking of the darkness yet remembering the happiness and what they left behind...

Your friend, an Olszowy for life, 

Melissa 

leading with strengths

My Aunt and I were emailing today, bummed, talking about our plans for Mother's day weekend and hoping we can all meet up at the cemetery. Things are stressful right now, she is dealing with things with her children and handling this month all over again and Justin's birthday is this week and you look around and everyone else is living life as they should be- with no major bumps in the road just everyday stress that is manageable- and you think, why us? and why my Mom and Dad? There will never be answers. Sometimes when I think of it all- it is really overwhelming....my parents, my brother, my grandfather passing away, my Sister being on her own, literally no support around her....I have to think of these things separately or else it becomes way too much to think about and handle.

I am reading a book my therapist highly recommended and she basically said it was my "homework" until our next session. "when bad things happen to good people".....I am early into the book but it talks a lot about the outcome of those who have suffered a tragedy. Many turn cynical, jealous and angry while few come out brave and at peace. I am stuck and she was amazed where I currently was in the grieving process given everything our family went through. The first year I was in shock and distracted with the pregnancy. The real pain came the second year. She thought I was doing very well considering. I went through, what she referred to as, "a life altering experience".

My Aunt said something very true though today and it made me stop and think for a few moments..."Nobody will understand our loss Mel.....nobody - and we are still not knowing how to deal but just remember one thing. The closeness you shared w/your parents and the closeness i shared w/my sister and brother-in-law... - not too many people can say they share that same love that we were fortunate to have - we just need it and want it back...but remember what we had".

You're right, Auntie. No one can ever take that away from us and maybe just maybe one day I will be at peace knowing that no one will ever fully understand and that people have to move on and be joyous within their own lives and they can't always think of my parents, our pain, our sadness, that is beyond human limitations. I intellectually understand that but it doesn't take away me seeing everyone around me living rather "normal" lives and thinking how badly it sucks how that used to be me (us). I wanted to share my joy with my parents too and now they're gone and nothing anyone can do will ever replace them. I will continue to compare everything, everyone to them and focus on everything that I do not have until one day I accept what happened and be at peace that this is what I was dealt with and that I must let happiness back into my life and let myself be happy for others, sincerely.

I'm attending a seminar later this afternoon on leading with strengths. I took a quiz prior to the session on what my top strengths were and #1 for me was-- communicator.
It read, " you like to explain, to describe, to host, to speak in public, and to write. This is your communication theme at work. Ideas are a dry beginning. Events are static. You feel a need to bring them to life, to energize them, to make them exciting and vivid. And so you turn events into stories and practice telling them".

Yep, that sounds about right.

To happier days ahead....
Melissa

cheers to old friends.

Good friends, good food and good wine......all that was needed for a fantastic weekend that was much needed. This month will always be an even more emotional one so any ounce of distraction I can get,  I will take.  But this was so much more then a distraction. It was a really, really good time. 

The weekend with friends kicked off on Thursday when our friend Eric, who we went to WMU with, arrived to stay with us while in town for recruiting. With Thursday being Mom's birthday, we shared a bottle of wine, toasted to her life, and had some of the birthday cake I had made. We were thrilled he was in town for the weekend..... Then on Friday I picked up my fabulous girlfriend, also a WMU alumni, and her husband. Molly hadn't met Elle yet or ever saw our home so I was super excited to welcome them to Cincy. We grabbed lunch in Hyde Park Square and then headed back to the house so they could unpack and then Mols and I went up to Elle's school to pick her up- she loved her school and it was fun to have my friend along with me to see where Elle spends the majority of her time during the week. She even got to admire her "artwork" displayed around her classroom. 

The rest of the weekend was spent doing some fun things.....my most favorite memory was enjoying an amazing dinner at one of Cincinnati's yummiest restaurants and while it was pricey, it was worth every penny.... from the several bottles of wine and the many toasts to friends to the grilled Cesar salad that I loved to the Boca filet and then to the grand finale when all of us passed around some pretty spectacular desserts to share.....it was so yum. Elle was home with a babysitter, one of her teachers from school, and I felt at ease that she was safe and asleep. I really enjoyed myself.  

Although my picnic at the park lunch was squashed due to some rain, we were able to get a little shopping in around the square and we took Elle to a little butterfly exhibit while the boys caught a Red's game. Then Saturday evening we stayed in, opened up some more wine and Ted cooked us a great meal and finished it off with a homemade molten chocolate cake. It was a great meal to end the weekend with our friends. 

As I was rocking Elle tonight though, I still found myself sad. I have everything else anyone could ever want in life. More then most would ever dream of when I think of my career, home, travels I have been on, dinners I have enjoyed, friends who care, a healthy beautiful daughter and a husband that can cook kick ass meals, I still feel incredibly lonely. I feel a huge hole in my heart and an emptiness that I think I have accepted will always be there. Elle had a great weekend and LOVED the visitors (and the attention) but ended her weekend with a 102 temp and while she'll be fine, I felt like I didn't have anyone to call. Of course I could have called friends and yes, I told my Sister but it's just not the same. I wanted to call my Mom. I want that comfort and unconditional love and care. It's been two years that I haven't been able to pick up that phone to call her or Dad and I have to say, that won't ever get easier. 

I really admire my girlfriend Molly mainly for her independence (how she has started her own life, traditions, and memories in the DC area) and success--but also for her honesty and class. I look forward to more memories with all of my friends who spent the weekend with us and never forgetting the time we have spent together thus far.... all the way back to the days at WMU through today.... We have a lot stored in the memory bank and one of the biggest ways I know to continue honoring my parents lives is making the time to spend with friends. I am proud to say I do this. I may not be the best friend of all times but I know and I feel comfortable within myself- that I always have and always will- make the effort.  I was taught well.  

To Mom on her 53rd birthday

Tomorrow Mom would have turned 53 years old. Still so young and so much more life to live. 

April 7th will always be a painful memory and one very difficult to get through... but her birthday I have nothing but fun, beautiful memories and her last one in particular was probably one of the most special. Funny how things work out that way. I'd call my Dad from Cincinnati to make sure he ordered the food, Christina would be handling the cake and I would handle the invitations, decorations and pictures (of course). I'll never forget calling my Mom on her 50th birthday (little did she know I was already in MI) to wish her a happy birthday and to apologize that I couldn't be in town. She moaned a little and was bummed but maybe she secretly knew I was really coming to celebrate with her. My Dad couldn't keep a secret for anything. I begged him to keep this all a surprise and he did pretty good until the week leading up to the party. She knew there was room full of people waiting to yell surprise as she walked into the party room at their local spot "Boomers" but she didn't know who would actually be there.  My Sister and I, with huge smiles on our faces, held the beautifully lit cake as she walked in with the biggest grin. She was SO excited. Cocktail in hand. And ready to give us all big hugs. Her siblings were there....her nieces and nephews, her Dad, so many friends.....the Close family was there and many of my own good friends like Melissa and Nick also came. My family blended really well with others and we have a lot of good memories that we thankfully all shared together. I know not everyone has this......I know not everyone was this lucky to have the fun we did. Sadly though, there are not may that ever have to encounter this sadness and tragic loss....back on track, Melissa. You can think of their death any other day that you want to but tomorrow you will only think good thoughts......and you will think of the last birthday spent with Mom and you will enjoy that adorable little pink cake you baked for her (if I do say so myself) and have a toast to a beautiful person inside and out, my Mommy, my best friend. 

To my Mommy on her 53rd birthday. I miss you more then anyone will ever know or understand. I owe everything to you. You are the reason I am here today. 

I wish I could squeeze you like I used to and then at the end I would always try to pick you up. Gosh I hope I have this relationship with Elle. Yeah I was a pain in the ass a lot of the times but when we had fun, we had a lot fun.......

Pictures posted are from the last birthday we shared with Mom (I haven't seen that face on me in forever. I was so happy in that given moment) and a picture of a cake that I just baked tonight in her memory. 

All my love, 

Melissa 

The dock

Maybe a new place to reflect, remember, a place to toast to friends, life, my Mom and Dad and to all the people we enjoy to be around. If you're on this dock with us, you are likely a dear friend or family member and we will share memories here. Come visit this Summer. 

This weekend I had the opportunity to watch Ted, his Dad, Matt, and our dear friend Josh (also known as the "project manager"), add on to my Dad's dock. They put in a post to mount the plaque that will go up once it arrives and while it will be hard to see their names on anything and we will continue missing them, I definitely know if they are truly watching us from up above how very proud they are. The hard part for me is knowing for certain how much they would have wanted to party on this dock right along with us.....they loved to have a good time.  

Thank you for continuing to instill in me what matters most in life. Spending time with good friends and family and having fun......this dock will be a place dedicated to your "more the merrier" mentality. Thank you.