every girl needs a Tiffanys

Some may recall me talking about my birthday last year and sharing pictures of me opening my favorite blue box from my Mother. A pair of earrings from Tiffany's. A girls most favorite gift.

Ever since she gave them to me for my 28th birthday, I wore them almost everyday. Especially after she passed, they became even more special as they would now resemble the very last birthday gift my Mother and Father ever gave me. So, you could say...they are pretty special.

Yesterday I was having sort of an emotional day. I really missed my parents, some days are much more intense then others but I just missed them as I was shopping at the mall, hearings glimpses of Christmas music and watching all of the smiling faces pass me by. When I came home with a bag full of things, I noticed Gracie had knocked down my jewelry that was on my dresser (I usually have everything in a jewelry box that my friend Ali got me- but I was lazy and left everything out). I mean everything....my wedding ring, Dad's ring, Mom's ring and "the earrings". I quickly picked everything up and noticed one of earrings were missing. I panicked searching everywhere but was pretty certain Gracie had swallowed one of them.

After talking with the Vet, we were going to wait to see if it would pass. As of this morning it did not so I continued to question if she really swallowed it. I couldn't handle the suspense anymore and after consulting with my Mother-in-law, Sister and Mel- I decided to take her in for x-rays. They know me by heart there so they were not surprised when I called for an ASAP appointment. $200 later, Doctor Schmogrow walked in the room and held up the x-rays only to see one Tiffany earring glaring at me!!! The Doc was a little nervous that the post would puncture something but at this point the only thing we could was wait for it to pass. If nothing, come back on Monday and possibly surgery would have to take place.

So I prayed....and a few others prayed and Grace and I took a little nap. After we woke up, I took her to the bathroom. I went and got my gloves and to my surprise, THERE IT WAS! We didn't think it would happen that fast as in the x-ray it still had some mileage to go before making it to the colon. Sorry for the details....but I ran inside with a very disgusting looking earring and was giving Gracie all of the treats in the world. Good girl I yelled!!! She was looking at me, like what did I do?

So now my when Mother-in-law arrives, we can actually go to a nice dinner after we wash some of the baby clothes instead of worrying so much about Gracie.

Thanks, Mom and Dad. You've got me through another day...

lucky girl

Mom,


During a time when I always imagined you would be right by my side, a phone call a way, you are somewhere far, far, away and I'm missing you very much.

I miss your voice, smile and love for being with family. I miss how fun you were and miss your love for pictures. I miss you most during times like this, when Ted is traveling and I would normally just call you a few times a day, for no reason at all.

How sad and cheated I feel that I now have to go through life without a Mother-when our relationship was wonderful and fun and everything I could ask for, yet I also feel like a lucky girl that I had the relationship we had. I feel even more sad for you Mom-that you didn't get to live the rest of your life. You spent most of your life being a Mom and raising three children, now was time to really enjoy life.... But luckily, you had been enjoying it the entire time. When I think of the fun you and Dad had or the weekends you both would just head up north to get away or all of the times spent with us wherever we lived, I feel happy we have those memories. But they also leaving me wanting more, many more....but there's none left. I got 28 years with you and your time was up.

On Sunday I will attend my second baby shower thrown by my very sweet neighbor, friend and co-worker. How thoughtful for them to do this given the large shower I had in MI two weeks ago. I'm really looking forward to it and feel like such a lucky girl to have so many wonderful people in my life to make me feel special during this important time in my life.

You'd really be amazed Mom, you really would be.

Missing my Mommy everyday and I love you too Dad.

Your daughter

me-courageous?

One of my best friends called me courageous through a letter she wrote to me and that thought has been on my mind ever since reading it. I certainly never thought of myself as courageous but when I do sit back and think of what I have lost and experienced and are still going through, the fact that I have not lost it (yet), is pretty courageous I suppose. But there are days when I feel so angry, jealous, and alone that I feel the furthest thing from courageous. There is not a moment that goes by that I don't play in my head what happened on April 7th or the fact that my brother is still not placed or sentenced and that being the executor of their estate- I still have so much to do. And I often forget I am doing all of this, while being pregnant. I definitely think God, or great genes from Mom gave me a great pregnancy so I could handle everything that still is coming my way.

How else would I handle this? No one knows how they would handle this situation if it occurred in their family. No one in their right mind would ever prepare themselves for such a thing, I certainly never would have imagined this- in a million years.
I am proud of how my Sister and I and other family members are handling this. Tragedies often have a very negative impact on the individuals effected, they turn to drinking, drugs, and often go into a deep depression. Trust me, I fight the depression every day because you can talk yourself into one, but I'm doing my very best to stay out of that dark hole. I stay out of that hole for my parents, my Sister, my Aydan, my husband, my Gracie, my friends and family and my little girl to be. I also am blessed my work ethic has not been effected. (sure I have my days when I question why people are complaining about something so small compared to the bigger life issues and I'm guilty of this too) but they have been amazing and that is what has gotten me to the point that when I wake up, I actually really look forward to going to work. I couldn't have handled this as best as I have without a supportive group of co-workers. I think that is why I felt so comfortable going back to work so soon after everything happened. I needed to go back because I would have been of no help to my Sister with Mom and Dad's house. I couldn't have done it.

So while I would never think of myself as courageous, I guess when I really think of how I'm doing despite the sadness and constant missing my parents, I am proud of myself and I am proud of my family. We sure are hanging in there aren't we?

I know you are keeping us strong Mom and Dad. We need it, especially during the Holiday Season when every one's spirits are up and gathering with their families and we feel like the only people in the world wanting them to end...

The cemetary

I've made several trips to the cemetery since Mom and Dad have been gone, but the hardest trip was the one made on Sunday before heading back to Cincinnati. The grave marker had been put into the ground many, many weeks ago but I kept putting it off to go see it. I certainly do not need their grave to remember or even think of them as they are on my mind 24-7 and I do not anticipate that changing anytime soon. Although a baby will bring so much joy to our lives, I worry about the sadness I will feel not being able to share that experience with my Mom and Dad. I got to see how they were with a grandchild through 5 years with Aydan. And being the oldest, my Mom couldn't wait until I would one day have kids.



Going to the cemetery when the site was just grass wasn't as bad as I had imagined. I'd bring flowers and say a prayer but reality never hit me. The reality came when I saw my parents names, dates and the words-loving parents. If there would have been room, we would have listed so many other things...loving grandparents, loving sister, loving brother, loving son, loving daughter, loving friend, loving cousin...to sum up someones memory in a few words can never be done especially two individuals like Mom and Dad.



My Aunt Kim met me at the cemetery and we cried together as we starred down at their names. What happened this year? Could this really be true? My Mother and Father, and your big Sister and Brother-n-law who were everything to you and I are gone? How can this be? By my own brother, who loved them just as much? You just stop, look around, take a deep breath and wonder how the heck you ever got from there to here. And you just hope one day you can find peace, accept what happen and know they are in a wonderful place. But when the tears are falling fast and you still find yourself in disbelief, you wonder if you will ever get there....


A place of rest, certainly not the end I hope and pray........

I apologize if putting the above picture on my blog saddens any of my family but with many of you living out of State, I wanted to share this with you. My Mother took Aydan to Grandma's grave last year on Mother's day and she actually took a picture of Aydan by the grave so I know Mom wouldn't mind. I love you all and thank you for all you to do to honor my parents memory. I hope I can continue making all of you and especially my parents above- proud of the person I was, the person I am now and the mother that I will become.

With love,

Melissa

my weekend

I wish I could write that we are now free of my parents house, but we are not. I rushed back on Friday morning after a long travel back from Seattle only to find that the title company couldn't get everything pulled together. So I will now do power of attorney so I do not have to be at the closing, which is probably better anyway. No offense, I really was not looking forward to meeting the new owners. A retired couple moving into my childhood home of 28 years. They will never have the memories like my brother, sister and I had there with our parents.

Friday, Matt and Christina brought Aydan over to the Close's all dressed up as a transformer. He always went to Mom and Dad's house and went around their neighborhood for the past 5 years so we wanted to make sure he still had fun. It definitely wasn't the same but any 5 year old that comes home with a bag filled with candy is ultimately a happy person for that given moment.

Saturday I found myself at the mall wandering around in search for maternity clothes. The Christmas decorations are going up and many families were out and about shopping. I was miserable. I would look at a Mom and Daughter as they were shopping and just feel tremendous sadness. Mom should be here too, she loved to shop. She would always make time to shop around with me. As a matter of fact, right around this time every year she was almost done with her Christmas Shopping. Talk about a woman prepared for the Holidays.
From Thanksgiving through New Years has always been my most favorite time of the year. The biggest stress would be what I was going to buy for my Mom, Dad and brother. My Sister is always the easiest. Now, the three of them are gone and I cannot even begin to think of preparing myself for the Holidays or listening to my favorite Christmas songs, or sitting down to write all of my Christmas cards out...these are all things I love to do. All I keep thinking is, Mom, Dad and Justin should be here too. And yes, I understand my parents would want me to be happy but I think the hardest part is, if they could be sad in heaven, I know they would be sad for my Sister and I. My Mother would never want us to go through this and would want to share the Holidays with her family. They were not ready to leave at the age of 50 and it pulls at my heart every single day.

But I will do my best to incorporate new traditions into my Holidays. Last Thanksgiving my parents came to the Close's, this year we will be with Ted's family but I am also going to spend some of the evening at my cousin Jessica's house. My Dad's Sister Aunt Diann and Uncle Randy from Atlanta will be there as well as my Dad's brother Uncle Stan and Aunt Linda.
Last Thanksgiving we were all getting ready to eat at the Close's and I had suggested we all go around the table and say what we are most thankful for. I don't quite remember what my Dad said, but I can hear my Mother's words so clearly, "I am thankful that our two families were together". I don't know what I would say this year. Sure I am thankful for so many things in life but I am also hurting because of so many things in life. But I have a feeling I would be thankful for the gift my parents gave me and that is the little girl that continues to grow as she prepares to enter this World.

Saturday we ended the day by taking Mom and Dad Close to a nice dinner at a pretty special place. The place where we got engaged and where we sent my Mom and Dad for dinner on their 25th anniversary, Cafe Cortina. We wanted to show our appreciation for putting on such an amazing shower and for the continued support they provide to us as we take on parenthood. The food was delicious and the sip of red Pinot Noir that I tried was really yummy.

Before I head back to Cincinnati this morning, I will stop at the cemetery. My parents grave marker has been put into the ground. It was much easier to go when it was just grass. Seeing their names and the dates they were born and died will be difficult. I never thought this young I would be doing this....visiting both of their grave sites together.

I will get through it....

my last trip~

I am on my last leg of my travels this week...flew into Portland yesterday, drove to Seattle today and fly home tomorrow. My last air travel until after the baby is born! This work trip I've been very lucky to be joined by two wonderful co-workers. Both who will be helping cover my accounts while I'm on maternity leave. We've had a great time over the past two days, the Fall is beautiful in the Northwest. One of the co-workers attended my shower so the event has continuously came up and how beautiful and wonderful it was. She observed something that I also realized once it was over on how wonderful it was to see my family together-happy given everything we have gone through. We've talked a lot on this trip about work of course, but also about our friends and family and life in general. I've said over and over how lucky I am to have the relationships I do with my friends and family. The friends that I have right now, I am positive will be my friends till the end. When you go through the greatest tragedy of your life and they are by your side for the sad but then come right around again to support you during the happy times is just proof that they are in your life for good. And I am forever thankful for that.

The baby shower was one of those events, like a wedding, that you truly remember for a lifetime.

I'll never forget the beautiful place and the decorations, what I wore, what I ate, the people that I hugged and all the wonderful gifts that were received.

Some more of my favorite pictures from the weekend.....

My Western Michigan girls and one MSU girl!

My Sis, cousin Trac, Aunt Lisa, Me, Aunt Kim, cousin Brittney

and the girls above who pulled everything together the day of the shower and stayed by my side all weekend! All wonderful ladies in very special ways.

The "man" room which included my brother-in-law-Jay, our best pal Nick, Dad to be, my dear Grandpa, our cousin Scott (Dad Close and Christina's Matt were missing in the photo). I am sure it was not exactly how they wanted to spend their Saturday but I saw them sneaking in the main event room and head for the candy station. It meant a lot having them there. If Dad were alive, he would have been there no doubt so the men in my life were not getting off the hook. I think they enjoyed themselves...

You know it was a special event when days after it ended- it's still on your mind........

hats, a ring and a room filled with friends and family

Some may say I didn't have the most typical baby shower. (yes, there were Men there!) But in my world, there is no longer the typical anything.

Looking back on my day yesterday, if I had to choose one word to describe it, it would have to be magical. From the moment upon entering, the celebration was over the top and perfectly decorated by my Mother-n-law, Sister and dear friends. Brown satin bows tied perfectly on every chair, hot apple cider being passed by servers, an elaborate chocolate/candy/cookie station for the guests to enjoy (thank you Mel), a painted sign by my cousin Beth, a two tiered adorable polka dot cake that color coordinated with the fabric on the candy station, monogrammed napkins and chocolate Hershey bars, gorgeous pink hydrangea and rose centerpieces, pictures on a ribbon of mom, dad and I when I was born and a young child, and last by not least a room filled with my most favorite people in the entire world.

The only thing missing from this beautiful day was my Parents. It was almost surreal experiencing it without my Mom right by my side. Watching me open my gifts or hugging and kissing family, taking pictures and laughing. I can tell you it was not easy, but I made a commitment to myself that I would not cry and that I would save the tears for another day.

And I did just that, however my commitment was almost broken when my Sister, who never speaks in front of a large group, surprised me with a few words. She went into how beautiful I looked and all that mushy Sister stuff but then started talking about my Dad....I instantly was like uh-oh, don't freak out Melissa. I listened to her words and felt my Father's wedding ring that had been melted into two rings for her and I, slip on to my finger......that is all I am going to say about that moment but it was wonderful, sad, yet happy at the same time.

I told my Sister to please don't go crazy on the gifts since she was taking care of the cookie favors for the guests. Why did I bother even saying anything? She spoiled the baby with shoes, tons of trendy little clothes, a sling to carry the baby around, a little newborn bathing system and so much more. I have a very generous Sister with an amazingly huge heart. But she still does not listen to me! (had to throw that one in there)

The gifts were amazing Mom and Dad. You wouldn't believe the generosity of friends and family. I was so overwhelmed with the amount of things that were given to us as just being with everyone was honestly enough. Mom, your sister Lisa (my Aunt), who I knew knit throughout her life but did not know the level of talent she had, shocked me with some pretty amazing handmade things. I could seriously write a book on the thoughtful things she knitted for the baby- box after box presented a new surprise to my eyes, a hat collection with flowers! a beautiful blanket! a sweater, hat and scarf set that it is out of a movie and a collection of embroidered burp cloths that I am scared to even use! Just gorgeous things that I cannot stop looking at.

There are just way too many special things to list. We got the necessities needed to get ready for the baby and some beautiful things to make the room look stunning.

Gathering with my family and friends have always meant so much to me but since losing Mom and Dad, it now means even more. I wish yesterday could have lasted for days.....why do we spend too little of time with the people we love the most? I hope to never have that regret. I know my parents didn't. I will be forever grateful for the wonderful women in my life who all contributed to the shower in so many special ways to make it such an unforgettable day. I love you all and I am positive my Parents are smiling down on us.

Although the future will continue to bring some sadness and loneliness without my Mom and Dad, I can tell you one thing and that is we have the best of friends and the best of family to introduce Baby Close to and they will forever remain the center of our universe. Distance, time, hockey schedules/ballet lessons, or cost will never keep us from continuing to make the memories with the people we love the most. Thank you to so many for being on this roller coaster of a ride this year. We couldn't do it without you and I couldn't do it without thinking of my Mom and Dad each and every day knowing they just want me to be happy.

What an amazing baby shower and what an amazing weekend............I love you all my dear friends and family~